Authors: Lisa Becker
The Click Trilogy (2 page)
From: Renee Greene – January 5, 2011 – 9:43 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: The Scoop
How horrible for you. A cuddler.
Sorry. I just don't know how you are constantly meeting these men when I’ve resorted to whittling down my life to a few short paragraphs so as to intrigue a man to want to talk with me further. Sorry. Turning 30 and no one to take me out is a bit depressing.
From: Shelley Manning – January 5, 2011 – 9:48 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: The Scoop
What do you mean, no one to take you out? Okay, I'll admit that Finlay IS chopped liver. Well, a goyish version of chopped liver. But, I'm certainly caviar with a mojito on the side.
From: Renee Greene – January 5, 2011 – 9:54 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: The Scoop
I know. You guys are great. Ashley’s
coming too, along with a group of friends from work. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I guess when I look back, I always thought that by 30 I'd be married with three kids. And here I am, with a few weeks to go, and I'm not even dating anyone. Okay, pity party of one, here. Sorry.
From: Shelley Manning – January 5, 2011 – 9:59 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: The Scoop
So, Ashley’s coming. Great. Miss Priss. That'll make for a fun evening.
But on to important matters. You are a truly wonderful woman and person. You will meet someone. You will get married. You will have your three kids. You just need to have faith and you just need to get out there. You're never going to meet someone sitting at home and lamenting over Derrick. It's been over a year and you haven't gotten on with things. I don't mean to sound harsh (unless we're talking about Miss Priss of course) but it's time for some tough love - not the S&M kind although that could be fun ;) - and I do love you.
From: Renee Greene – January 5, 2011 – 10:05 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: The Scoop
It's PRICE not Priss. You are the devil incarnate. No, I know. You're right. It's just easier to sit at home, eat cupcakes and feel sorry for myself than risk getting hurt. But, it's a new year and a new plan.
From: Shelley Manning – January 5, 2011 – 10:07 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: The Scoop
Priss, Price. Same difference. :) See you at 12:30.
From: Renee Greene – January 5, 2011 – 1:58 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: How do you do it?!?
I just don’t get it. I mean don’t get me wrong. You’re awesome. But, I just don’t know how you do it. That handsome, wannabe actor, underwear-model-looking waiter was just gushing over you.
And don’t think I didn’t see him slip you his number. Good looking, yes. Subtle and bright, no. Greene may be my last name, but it is an ugly color on me. UGH!
So, are you going to call him, or are you getting serious with the Cuddler? HA! I just laughed out loud as I was typing that. No offense or anything. First of all, don’t see you getting serious with ANYONE, let alone some lame, girly guy.
From: Shelley Manning – January 5, 2011 – 2:43 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: How do you do it?!?
No offense taken. You’re right. I’m not interested in getting serious with anyone. Why settle down when I’m having so much fun? So, handsome, wannabe actor, underwear-model-looking waiter, here I come. And, hopefully, when I say here I come…well you’re a smart girl, you know where this is heading. (HA! An unintentional pun, to boot.)
And, speaking of being a smart girl, how many times do I need to tell you how beautiful, witty, charming and fabulous you are? You are Supermodel Renee, for Christ’s sake! You just need to start believing it yourself. No more of this pity shit. Get over it. Okay!!!!???
From: Renee Greene – January 5, 2011 – 3:30 PM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: How do you do it?!?
Yes ma’am! Will do my best.
From: Ashley Price – January 6, 2011 – 9:07 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Lunch scoop
So, how was lunch at Mel’s? How many guys did Shelley pick up? How much sex is she having?
On another note, Evan called, apologized, sent flowers, etc. etc. But this time I’m not falling for it. It’s over.
From: Renee Greene – January 6, 2011 – 3:12 PM
To: Ashley Price
Subject: Re: Lunch scoop
Lunch was typical as usual. There is a new waiter there who was incredibly hot and incredibly into Shelley. New year, but nothing’s new. You know I love her, but it’s hard being the girl guys always approach in bars only to say, “Hi. Who’s your friend?”
Yes, you deserve far better than Evan. What you need to do is erase his phone number from your cell, don’t answer his calls and texts, send back the flowers, etc. I mean he’s a decent guy and all, but you just never seem happy when you’re with him. At the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.
From: Ashley Price – January 6, 2011 – 4:45 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Lunch scoop
I know. I know. I’m NOT going to call him back.
Regarding Shelley, yes, I know you are very loyal to her and she’s certainly been a good friend. But if I were a guy, I would pick you over her in a heartbeat. You’ve got style, class and a great sense of humor. Just need to try something new with your hair. So, buck up. This is a new year and I feel like good things are just around the corner for you. Gotta run. Work beckons.
From: Renee Greene – January 9, 2011 – 3:36 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Site Selection
Okay, Mark. I don't think I could live with the Jewish guilt by bringing home someone who couldn't appreciate a good corned beef sandwich or my bubbies matzo ball soup. So, Choose Jews it is. I'm going to write my profile this weekend and will be emailing it to them. Thanks for pushing me into doing this. I think it's going to be good for me.
From: Mark Finlay – January 9, 2011 – 5:55 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Site Selection
I always know what's good for you. Why you haven't figured that out by now is beyond me. Well, I've narrowed down my list of prospective services down to four. Still doing a bit of research and getting a few references for each. With my future wife on the line, you just can't be too careful.
From: Renee Greene – January 13, 2011 – 11:35 PM
Bcc: Shelley Manning, Mark Finlay
Subject: Profile for Site
I’m a new member…Renee Greene. Here is my completed profile. My ID# is 49628; Screen Name: PRGal1981. Thanks!
AGE: 29
HEIGHT: 5’1”
EYES: Brown
HAIR: Brown
ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Aquarius
AFFILIATION: Reform
FAVORITE CUISINE: Italian, Caribbean, California-Fusion, Chinese/Dim Sum, Japanese/Sushi, Middle Eastern Barbecue, Deli, French, Greek, Indian, Mexican, Middle Eastern, Thai, Cajun/Southern, Continental, Eastern European, Mediterranean
INTERESTS: art galleries, theatre, restaurants, movies, comedy clubs, museums, concerts, bookstores, shopping malls, intimate conversations, cooking, listening to music, shopping, traveling, watching videos, hanging out with friends, taking long walks, wine tasting, antique stores/flea markets, reading, coffee houses
MY PERSONALITY TRAITS: friendly, kind, artistic, easygoing, flexible, humorous, intellectual, nurturing, romantic, sensitive, talkative, witty
OCCUPATION: Public Relations Director
MORE ABOUT ME: I’ve never been
really
comfortable talking about myself. So, in an effort to seem incredibly modest, I thought it would be better to share what I think
other
people would say about me. My parents would describe me as loving, compassionate and fiercely independent. My friends would say I’m fun, easy going, funny and incredibly loyal. My co-workers and boss would say I’m smart, savvy and ambitious in my career. My nephew would say I’m incredibly silly, but play a highly-competitive game of “Chutes and Ladders.” Other things about me of interest: I cry at Hallmark commercials, love the band Spider Fire, enjoy baking and cooking (and make the world’s greatest chocolate chip cookies – no exaggeration here!), sing (sometimes off key) with the radio while driving, own more pairs of black shoes than should be legal, and my fear of flying is rivalled only by my love for chocolate.
WHAT I’VE LEARNED FROM PAST RELATIONSHIPS: Maybe the toilet seat should be up. SportsCenter on ESPN is funny. No, these pants do NOT make me look fat. Which one is Beavis and which is Butthead. Asking for directions IS bad. Seriously, I've learned that you need to be honest, forgiving and willing to communicate for a relationship to succeed. And a sense of humor and ability to laugh at yourself goes a long way.
Chapter 2 – Unsuitable Suitors
From: [email protected] – January 14, 2011 – 1:03 AM
To: Renee Greene
Bcc: Shelley Manning, Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Profile for Site
Thank you for submitting your profile to Choose Jews, the number one dating website for the Jewish community. Your screen name is
From: [email protected]/L’Chiam22 – January 14, 2011 – 5:54 AM
To: [email protected]/PRGal1981
Subject: Shalom
Shalom, PRGal1981. Don’t know your real name…yet :)
You seem like a really smart and interesting person and I think we would have a lot in common. I’m originally from New York – Queens to be specific – but made Alliyah to Israel a little more than 8 years ago. I had visited when I was 13 for my Bar Mitzvah and felt a spiritual connection to the land and to my people. So, when an opportunity came up to transfer from the Internet company I worked for to the Tel Aviv office, I jumped at it. When the Internet boom went bust, so did my job. But I decided to stay and found work as a computer engineer for a software developer.
I live in Tel Aviv and am looking for a spiritual woman to share a Jewish life with.
From: Renee Greene – January 14, 2011 – 9:04 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Fwd: Shalom
Okay, so I sent my profile in last night and thought I would take a chance that someone emailed me this morning. Yes, I know that seems egotistical thinking that someone would email me so quickly after my profile was posted. And considering it didn’t officially go online until 1:00 am, I’m not sure I want to date anyone who was trolling the Internet for a date in the wee hours of the morning. But, to be honest, I’m kind of excited about the possibilities. Imagine that. Me…being hopeful. Who knew? Anyway, I was elated – yes, elated – to find I had a message. Hurrah! Then I read it. He is very religious, is looking for a “spiritual” woman and lives in Israel. Good lord! (HA! Maybe that does indeed make me “spiritual” enough for this guy.) Israel!!!
Okay, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against Israel. I am one of the Chosen People after all. And, apparently “chosen” in more ways than one, huh? But do you picture me living in an area where 1) Most people take the bus – I’m from LA for goodness sake, where we LIVE in our cars. In fact, I have this theory that no one walks in LA. But, we all own treadmills. So, even though it is nice all year long, we won’t walk outside. We’d rather walk in our houses. But, I digress. Back to what’s important here: 2) These buses blow up into fiery messes; 3) And speaking of fiery messes, it is hot in Israel. Yes, yes. It’s a dry heat. But you know what? A blast furnace is a dry heat. But it’s still HOT and I wouldn’t want to live in it. Yeah, right. Like I’m going to start a relationship with some man in Israel.
And, he is so intense about Judaism. I haven’t been to temple since my nephew’s baby naming three years ago. Oh, this would NEVER work. NEVER.
So, how do I get out of this? Do I ignore his message? Do I email back and say thanks but no thanks? Yikes! I’m not sure what to do?
From: Shelley Manning – January 14, 2011 – 10:45 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Shalom
Step 1. Revise your profile. No spiritual junkies or out of towners accepted.
Step 2. Email him back and tell him you are not interested in a long distance thing.
Step 3. Laugh your ass off. He obviously does NOT know you.
Okay. So this one isn’t going to work out. But, to your point, it’s only been a few hours. And, in this man’s defense, it’s probably not 1:00 am his time. It’s like two days later and early evening or something. So, it is flattering that he thinks you are the funny, smart and…okay, maybe not “spiritual” but certainly awesome…person that you really are. You’re going to get a TON of emails and have your pick of tons of great guys. Just you wait. Trust me.
Speaking of great guy, going out again with The Cuddler tonight. Hoping to break him of his bad habits. I’m willing to use force if necessary. Hope he likes it rough ;) Gotta run. Evil corporate trolls demanding reports. Call me tonight. Mwah! Mwah!
From: [email protected]/PRGal1981 – January 14, 2011 – 11:30 AM
To: [email protected]/ L’Chiam22
Bcc: Shelley Manning
Subject: Shalom back
Dear L’Chiam22. Thank you very much for your nice email. I must confess yours is the first email I’ve received. It’s quite flattering, especially to have someone from so far away take an interest. Thank you. But, I also must confess that I’m looking to meet someone local. So, best of luck in meeting that woman of your dreams. I’m sure she’s out there.
From: Shelley Manning – January 14, 2011 – 11:34 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Shalom back
Nicely done, sweetie. Ever the diplomat.
From: Renee Greene – January 14, 2011 – 11:47 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Shalom back
It’s so much easier to reject someone over the Internet than in real life. Score one for online dating!
From: Renee Greene – January 14, 2011 – 1:36 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: THE SCOOP!
Got my first email today from a gentleman suitor. It was a bit of a rush, I must say. But, he lives in Israel and I’m not really looking for a long distance thing. I don’t even think I could date anyone who lived in the Valley. What about you? Lots of women clamoring over you? Do tell.
From: Mark Finlay – January 15, 2011 – 10:30 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: THE SCOOP!
Oh, I’m still looking into services. I’ve narrowed it down to two based on referrals from people who have tried them. Also, I read on the Web that in a few weeks the new Consumer Reports comes out and rates the best online dating services. So, I’m going to wait and review the article before making a decision.
But, very excited for you. Go girl! Okay that sounds totally ridiculous coming from me, doesn’t it? I’m just not one of those types who can get away with the slang expressions. So, let me rephrase. Good for you! I’m confident you are going to get a lot of emails. You’re smart, pretty and lots of fun. Keep me posted.
Also, how many of us will there be for your birthday dinner. Also, do you have any place in mind, or do you want to be surprised? Either way, I want to be sure and get a reservation in.
From: Renee Greene – January 15, 2011 – 4:45 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: THE SCOOP!
Oh, surprise me. But, be warned. If I see one – and I mean one – “Over the Hill” decoration, gag gift or piece of paraphernalia, you will pay a very high price. A very high price indeed. You don’t want me as an enemy. And you know I hold a grudge. Okay, so I’m not the best intimidator. Hard to be fierce and menacing when you stand 5’1” and look 12. But, I have to tell you, I’m finding this birthday a bit daunting. Turning 30 is always hailed as this depressing milestone. As someone going through it, to someone who has another six months to go, it’s all true. This sucks!
From: Mark Finlay – January 16, 2011 – 12:10 PM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: THE SCOOP!
I’ve been duly warned. And yes, I do know how you hold a grudge. When you’ve been friends with someone for more than 20 years, you learn all that kind of stuff.
From: Renee Greene – January 16, 2011 – 2:30 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: THE SCOOP!
Thanks. If I’m going to suffer the indignity of ungracefully entering old age, I’m glad I’ll have my best buds there to watch me go kicking and screaming into my thirties. Okay, I’m being a bit (read: overwhelmingly) dramatic. It’s in my nature. And, since you’ve known me for more than 20 years, you already know that. Okay, gotta run.
From: Mark Finlay – January 17, 2011 – 9:04 AM
To: Shelley Manning, Ashley Price, Renee Greene
Subject: Renee is turning six (and two dozen)
Yes, you read correctly. We are celebrating Renee’s 6th (and two dozen) birthday. (I know you are displeased with entering your 30’s, so I figured, why do it? Turn six…again.) So, to celebrate her 6th birthday, we are having the party at Pizza Party Zone near Culver City. Won’t that be a ton of fun?!? We’ll eat pizza, play arcade games and have our photo taken with the silly frog mascot. Check out this link to the evite. Hoping you can proofread it before I invite everyone?
From: Shelley Manning – January 17, 2011 – 9:10 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Fwd: Renee is turning six (and two dozen)
Don’t worry. I am now in charge of your birthday celebration. I will let Finlay know that we are NOT going to Pizza Party Zone. Just what you need…and we need. Screaming brats. Greasy pizza. Video games. What the HELL was Finlay thinking?
From: Renee Greene – January 17, 2011 – 9:15 AM
To: Shelley Manning
Subject: Re: Fwd: Renee is turning six (and two dozen)
Thank you. I just read Mark’s email and started to have a bit of a panic attack. You’re so lucky your birthday isn’t until December. But, I’m surprised you don’t want to go the Pizza Party Zone. With screaming brats come cute single dads. (Tee Hee!)
From: Shelley Manning – January 17, 2011 – 9:18 AM
To: Renee Greene
Subject: Re: Fwd: Renee is turning six (and two dozen)
Cute single dads? Pizza Party Zone, here we come. JUST KIDDING. Don’t worry. I’ll come up with something fab and perfectly fitting for this momentous occasion.
From: Shelley Manning – January 17, 2011 – 3:00 PM
To: Mark Finlay
Subject: Re: Renee is turning six (and two dozen)
Finlay! Renee does not want to go to Pizza Party Zone for her birthday. I’m sure she appreciated the sentiment, but I think she would prefer a quiet dinner with her closest friends. I’ve got us a reservation at Alex’s on Melrose for 9:00. We can all meet at my place at 8:00 for a pre-dinner mojito. I’ll let everyone know the plan.
From: [email protected]/OutdoorDude – January 17, 2011 – 4:03 PM
To: [email protected]/PRGal1981
Subject: Hello there
Hi there PRGal. My name is Kevin. I was checking out the site this morning and came across your profile. You seem like a really smart and outgoing person. As for me, I’m originally from Nebraska and have been living in LA for two years. I moved out here to try my luck at movies and ended up doing personal training for celebrities. But I got a bit fed up with the egos. So now I work as a counselor for Outward Adventure programs, which take at-risk youth, corporate teams and others on outdoor adventures. It’s great to enjoy the sunshine and see how the challenges of nature and teamwork can change someone’s life. When I’m not working, I’m usually working out, playing sports or taking a bike ride. I’m looking for someone who is going to be the perfect compliment to me. Check out my profile and see what you think. Will look forward to hearing back from you.
From: Renee Greene – January 18, 2011 – 9:25 AM
To: Shelley Manning; Mark Finlay
Subject: Fwd: Hello there
Well, things seem to be improving a bit. Got this email. He seems VERY ACTIVE, which is so not me. I don’t see him sitting around watching a “Law & Order” marathon with me while I eat frosting from a can, which as you know is my idea of a good night. And, he has a grammatical error. I’m sure he meant to say he’s looking for a “complement” to himself, not for someone to “compliment” him. That sounds more like Derrick. Yes, still bitter after a year, but what can I say? I do hold a grudge. Hey, but at least this Kevin guy is local. I’m getting closer. I’ll let him down gently.