The Breakup Mix (11 page)

Chapter Fourteen

Here Without You

Alissa

I went to work the next morning and lied through my teeth that my mom had fallen ill and I needed to leave immediately to go take care of her. I kind of felt guilty leaving my assistant and the other attorneys high-and-dry, but I had other things to think about. I packed up my desk, gave instructions on each case to my assistant and was out the door before eleven. I pretty much just sealed my fate that I would never work here again, but I didn’t need the job and sure didn’t want to take the chance of having a puking fit in the middle of court or a deposition.

Out with the bad, in with the good
. . .
out with the bad, in with the good
. . . I took several deep breaths and pulled out of the parking lot headed for Mark’s office.

I tried a few times to get in touch with him since his email breakup, but he wouldn’t return my texts or emails. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since he’s so black and white in his thinking. There is no grey in Mark’s life——it is or it isn’t. It’s fact or a lie. Hot or cold. So my visit to his office should prove to be interesting. It’s his place of comfort, though where he feels normal, so maybe that will make this whole thing easier.

I sat in the parking lot in front of the building where Mark works and rehearsed my speech. When I was certain I wasn’t going to pass out, I got out of the car and walked with purpose toward the door. If I came in like an attorney with an appointment, I had a better chance of making it past the receptionist. However, like always, I had a back-up plan.

I approached the receptionist. “I’m here to see Mark Gideon, please.”

“Do you have an appointment?” she asked.

“No, but we have an important case to discuss. I’m an attorney for the state.”

“What’s your name, please?” she asked as she accessed Mark’s calendar.

I slipped two one-hundred dollar bills onto her keyboard. “I know where his office is. Thank you.”

She stared at the money then looked at me. I winked. “I’ll tell him I forced my way past you. Have a little fun tonight, okay?”

She grinned and looked over her shoulder as she nodded. I smiled back at her and walked toward Mark’s office.

He was on speakerphone standing over his desk looking out the window when I slipped into his office and took a seat in front of his desk. He turned and walked toward me. “Listen, let me call you back. I have an unexpected visitor in my office.” He reached across his desk and ended the call before looking at me again. “I thought I made myself pretty clear, Alissa.”

I smiled. “It’s good to see you, too, Mark. You might want to close the door.”

He eyed me and shook his head, but he closed the door. “You have five minutes. I have an appointment——a
scheduled
appointment—who will be here any minute.”

I took a deep breath and pretended he was on the witness stand. “Mark, we find ourselves in a strange predicament. It seems one of the last times we slept together resulted in the conception of a child that neither one of us wants.”

He sighed and sat on the edge of his desk. He ran his hands through his hair and locked his fingers behind his head. He scratched his head and mumbled, “I need to sit down.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I had that same reaction.”

He swung his chair around. “Wow, you’re a real piece of work.” He stared at me.

I frowned. “I’m sorry?”

“I thought you were trying
not
to be like your mother and sisters.”

There was no hiding the impact his words had on me. I heard myself exhale as I leaned over my lap and put my face in my hands.
Out with the evil, in with the good . . . out with the evil, in with the good
. “That . . . was unexpected.” I cleared my throat and sat up straight. “We have a few options—”

“No! There are no options, and there is no ‘we’. End it. You’re not locking me into this. I want no part of it or you, and I do not want to be permanently linked to your crazy ass.”

His words slapped at my skin like freezing rain on the coldest day in January. “Mark, it’s not like that,” I whispered.

“Really? You’re not here to trap me into your latest ‘fantastic ever-so-awesome’ life scheme?” His hands flailed around his head. If he was imitating me, he was way off.

I jumped to my feet and leaned across his desk. “I would sooner be bound to this fucking wooden desk which has way more personality and hope for a fun future than your stuffy ass. I came here to do what I had to do legally before I make the decision I’m about to make, you stupid prick. But if you want to take cheap shots, fine by me. Your point is proven. My only regret is wasting six months of my life listening to your monotone self-absorbed monologues about shit no one cares about.”

“Are we finished here?” he asked as he moved toward the door.

“Totally. I’m leaving town—”

Mark cut me off, “Alissa, I don’t give a shit what you’re going to do or when or where. Just go!”

I grabbed my bag and marched out the door. I clenched my teeth and took a deep breath to hold my tears in place. I smiled at the receptionist as I gave her a finger wave and made it to my car as the sobs slammed against my chest. I pulled out of the parking lot and said to myself, “I don’t cry. You will not cry. Do not cry. He doesn’t deserve your tears. He doesn’t know how to be a decent human being, and he’s got a small penis.”

I took a few more deep breaths. “Okay, so that’s done.” I felt my chin quiver as I heard him spit the words “I thought you were trying
not
to be like your mother” at me. Wow. When I had this all planned out in my head, it went very differently. I had drawn up papers for him to sign to terminate his rights immediately, but maybe this was better. He could think I had an abortion. Last he knew, Dani and Barry were trying to get pregnant, but he’s too self-absorbed to put two-and-two together. Not that he would care. He would sooner shave his head and get sleeve tattoos before he ever found an ounce of paternal interest.

God, what an evil man to say those things to me. What a total waste of intelligent DNA. I pulled into my driveway, threw my keys onto the table by the door, and went to my bedroom to change clothes. Suddenly, all of my power suits and cocktail dresses seemed inappropriate in my life. I didn’t have time to be upset by that ass hat. I had things to do, clothes to buy, and a new life to plan. Gotta keep moving, right?

I peeled out of my suit and stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I examined my abdomen and turned sideways to see if there was a hint of a baby showing. A baby. Growing in me. “Just like your mother,” echoed in my head.

“I don’t have time for this,” I shouted. I dressed for the gym and headed out the door. Loud music and sweat would get rid of Mark’s comment. Yes, that’s what I need. No, what I really need is a bottle of wine or four, but as Chance said, I can’t pickle the private guest.

I did a quick warm-up then hit the treadmill. I wish Mom had informed me of sports bras when I was in high school. I’d hated running in gym because the boys always stared at my bouncing breasts. When I realized I could use that to my advantage, I picked the tightest t-shirts I could find to drive them crazy. A smile tickled at my lips when I thought of Jason Hitch’s bugged-out eyes. I considered going out for the track team until I remembered I hated to run, which is ironic, because that’s all I ever really wanted to do from a young age. I just wanted to run and never stop.

And here I am—on a treadmill running as fast as I can and going absolutely nowhere. All of the women in my family have been on this same track with sweat pouring off them eager to get to the next big thing, and all this time, they’ve been on a fucking treadmill. I cranked up the volume on my iPod and pushed the buds deeper into my ears.
Out with the bad, in with the good
. No negative thoughts. Peace. In with peace.

I focused on the music in my ears and eventually pushed all thoughts out of my head. Once again, it was me, my heartbeat, and my music intertwined like a three-piece rope. Singly, we’re nothing; together, we’re an unbreakable force. That’s me, bitches. I’m an unbreakable force. I’ve been through divorces that lasted longer than this pregnancy will, so I know I can do this. I can do this for Dani. I summoned the look on her face when I blurted out ever so eloquently that I wanted to be her baby mama. That’s my peace; that’s my mission. There’s a plan and a purpose, and that’s when I’m at my best. The little nugget growing in me was my love gift to Dani. Yes. It was Dani’s baby; I’m surrogating. That’s how I’ll get through this. Perfect!

I haven’t seen my family in three years——well, at Thanksgiving it will be three years. After I married Dirk and became wealthy overnight, an instant cloud of shame formed over them. We already had a major distance between us since my sisters think I abandoned them when I left for college.

Adrianna wouldn’t speak to me for months, and I really didn’t blame her. She became the head chick in charge when I left, so all of the responsibility fell on her to take care of Ella and Hilary. As much as I hated to leave her like that, I had to get out of there. I had dreamed of freedom ever since I realized I was imprisoned. It only took two semesters for me to quit waking up in the middle of the night to check on kids who weren’t sleeping in the dorm room with me. I went through three roommates——not surprising at all.

I’m the only one that made it out. Adrianna stuck around to finish raising the other two, and by the time Hilary graduated, she was twenty-four and expecting baby number two. I was twenty-nine when Hilary graduated high school and I offered to pay her way through college if she’d get an IUD——the same deal I’d made Adrianna and Ella, and the same deal they’d both refused. I just wanted to give them a fair shot at life, but they mistook my offer as passing judgment on Mom and now I have six nieces and nephews with another on the way. Yeah, I just got the text that Hilary’s pregnant again.

My therapist was extremely concerned with my perception of motherhood. She didn’t get that I’m not talking about all moms——I’m talking about the moms in my family . . . the ones who romanticize having babies with the boyfriend du jour after two months of dating. Then when the men decide they’re bat-shit crazy and hit the road, the women in my family are left balancing their broken hearts and offspring in the same hands.

And when the women in my family get their hearts broken, there’s never enough room to hold a child.

Chapter Fifteen

Torn

Michelle

I’ve read enough stupid shit on Facebook to realize that if I want to see changes in my life, they must start with me. Well, today, I’m giving it a shot. I set my alarm for 5 a.m. and snuck out of the house to hit the gym. A maniacal giggle escaped my gut when I pulled out of the house at 5:15 with my gym shoes and MP3 player as my co-pilots in the passenger seat. I couldn’t wait to see Brandon’s face when he realized I had outwitted him yet again. Not bad for a high school C student, butthead!

The 5:30 crunch class was just beginning when I walked through the gym. The instructor asked if I wanted to join them since they had a few members on vacation this week. I grinned and jumped in line.

I was wearing one of Brandon’s old football t-shirts and a pair of yoga pants that I prayed wasn’t the pair that had a hole in the butt from a high nail on the picnic table and a fast dismount to tend to a screaming child last year. I was in such a hurry to escape, I never even thought about it. I was in the last row, though, so as long as we didn’t turn around, no one should see my Hanes Her Way that might very well also have holes in the ass cheeks for all I know.

By the looks of the folks in this class, they never eat anything fried and run screaming from carbs. I was extremely underdressed compared to the Barbies in sports bras with firm, tan abs and matching pants, socks, and shoelaces. These people have way too much time on their hands.

To say I was winded by the time we finished warm-ups is an understatement. I was sucking wind hard and sweat ran down my butt crack. But, I held my own and only grunted loud enough for everyone to take notice four times. I felt my stomach muscles screaming for mercy, and my thigh muscles (which took me a minute to understand that those are actually called “quads” by the rest of the class) said, “Oh, hell no,” when we were down in “core-conditioning position.” Everyone else looked graceful as they performed the exercises with perfect choreography; I, on the other hand, looked like I was directing traffic during rush hour with the aggravated face of concentration included. I always thought I had good balance until I attended this class. I was just grateful I didn’t fart.

The longest hour of my life ended at 6:30 with me dripping sweat and trying not to gasp for oxygen as the rest of the class left in a string of high-fives and “see you tomorrows.” I was the last one to leave and tried not to make eye contact with the instructor as I willed my shaking legs to put one foot in front of the other. My stomach muscles were already sore, but my arms had fared well since I spend my day slinging forty-pound children around at the daycare.

“So glad you joined us today. I hope we’ll see you tomorrow,” the instructor said as she reached up for a high-five.

I gave her a limp-armed, half-assed attempt and met her on the downfall. “Sure, see you tomorrow,” I mumbled as I headed toward the door.

Most of the ladies had left the parking lot by the time I got to my car, and I was ever so grateful they didn’t hear me yell, “Shit!” as I tried to lower myself into the driver’s seat. “I need to drink more water,” I panted as I put on my seatbelt and threw my tennis shoes in the passenger seat.

At the house, I sat in my car and stared at the steps leading up to my front door. I never really noticed them before but this morning the door might as well have been at the top of a set of bleachers. I groaned as I rolled out of the car and stumbled toward the door. I saw Martin’s light come on in his room and stood up a little straighter. The alarms must be going off all over the house, but the last thing I was going to do was appear whipped to my family. I clenched my teeth and bounded up the stairs and through the front door with a grin on my face and new sweat forming on my brow.

“Mom?” Martin asked. “Are you just getting home?”

“Hi, baby.” I panted. “Yeah, I went to the gym this morning.”

“Cool,” he said and gave me a half-hug. “You’re sweaty.”

“Yes, I am. I’m going to jump in the shower before Del Ray takes all the hot water.” I kissed him on top of the head and guided him toward the kitchen.

“I need to pee first,” he said.

“Okay, be quick, though.” I went into the bedroom and saw Brandon reaching to turn off his blaring alarm. He stretched and rubbed his eyes. “Michelle? Is it raining?”

“No, I went to the gym and just got home.”

Brandon chuckled. “Whatever.”

I peeled off my t-shirt and looked at him. “No, I really did. Since you threw such a hissy fit about me going during ‘family time,’ I decided to go while everyone was sleeping so I couldn’t be accused of being selfish.” I grabbed my clothes and headed into the bathroom. Brandon followed me.

He closed the door behind us. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I sure hope you grow out of it soon.” He pulled down his pants and started to pee.

I rolled my eyes and squeezed past him to turn on the shower. “It’s a workout, Brandon; it’s not like I’m going clubbing or getting tattoos.” I stripped off my clothes and jumped in the shower. “Don’t . . . flush,” I groaned as the toilet kicked into motion. I flattened myself against the cold shower stall and waited for the water to readjust to a normal temperature.

Thus began the revolving door into the bathroom for teeth brushing and questions that reminded me why I never shower in the mornings anymore. Del Ray came in for the third time and asked, “How much longer are you going to be? I need hot water for my shower too, ya know.”

I killed the water and reached around the shower curtain for my towel with tears brimming my eyes. I mumbled, “I’m done. Scoot out so I can dry off and get dressed, please.” I heard the door shut and climbed out of the tub. I patted my legs as best I could since lifting them was out of the question and considered rubbing my back against the wall instead of lifting my arms.

I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into tears. I looked at least ten years older than my friends, and the sad woman looking back at me resembled nothing of who I was, while they all looked like mildly older versions of the girls I’d met when I was thirteen. Frown wrinkles stood like knights protecting a castle between my eyes, and there wasn’t a laugh line to be found——just the downward turn of a woman who’s spent most of her life stressed out and pissed off——a true reflection of my adult life. Maybe I should try wearing makeup again; that always helps me feel better about myself. I grabbed my hairdryer and makeup kit out of the bathroom closet and freed the bathroom for Del Ray who stood outside the door with folded arms and tapping foot.

“Bout time. I’ll have to race to get ready now.”

“Sorry. I thought I’d be done at the gym faster.”

Her head snapped back. “You went to the gym this morning?”

I ignored her implication and went to my room to cover my misery with the free makeup I got during a Mary Kay party I’d hosted two years ago. Some of it was still unopened. I glanced at the clock. “Shit, I’m going to be late.” I threw the makeup back in the case and dried my hair as fast as I could and opted for a headband to save styling time. A quick glance in the mirror revealed the same Michelle I’d been when I went to bed last night.

“Boys, are you about ready?” I yelled down the hall while heading to the kitchen to make lunches. I picked up the loaf of bread and did a double take when I saw the blue-green discoloration of molded bread. I slammed it on the counter then chucked it in the trash. “Boys, you’ll have to eat at school today; the bread’s gone bad.”

Brandon said from the kitchen table, “It can’t be bad——we just bought it.”

“Well it is,” I said as I prepared my travel mug of coffee. “I’m going to be late. Can you run the boys to school today? I’ll drop Del Ray.”

He sighed and grabbed his coffee. “Boys, get your shoes on. We gotta roll.”

“You’re going to the office in your pajama bottoms?”

“No, I’m supposed to have the day off, but I’m glad you decided to do something for yourself today and ruined my chance at having a lazy day at home.” He slammed his coffee cup on the table and headed toward the front door.

I stared after him when the boys came into the kitchen for good-bye hugs. “Have a great day at school. I’ll see you when I get home.” I kissed them on the tops of their heads and yelled down the hallway, “Del Ray, we gotta roll, baby. Let’s go!”

She appeared in the hallway pulling her black hoodie over her head and smoothed her hair. “I’m out of product. Guess I’ll have to look like an idiot today,” she mumbled.

“We’ll run to the store tonight. I could use a few things myself.” I grabbed my purse and coffee and waited for her to gather her backpack.

The drive to school consisted of me clock-watching and her texting——no doubt telling all her friends how her selfish mother had time to go to the gym but not to the store to buy the seventh jar of hair putty this month. We pulled up at the edge of the high school where I’m supposed to drop her off to meet her friends so they can walk the remaining half a block together and catch up on what they missed while being separated for the evening.

What I would have done to have instant communication with my girlfriends when I was a kid. I had a great childhood, don’t get me wrong. I had normal parents with normal careers with normal siblings and normal schedules. I had to share a house phone with everyone in the house, had time limits per phone call, and I dared not have phone calls past nine o’clock. I spent my nights working on homework, practicing my clarinet, and telling my innermost secrets to the pages of my favorite journal. Nowadays, kids have Facebook, Instagram, email, texting, Pinterest, and God knows what else I don’t even know about. But they will never know the anticipation of having a roll of film developed, never appreciate the exchange of hand-written letters from their dearest friends before first hour and the anxiety that comes from trying to read them before the teacher realizes you’re not paying attention. I was nearly busted once in English class while reading Alissa’s most recent gush about the “cutest boy ever” on the track team. I don’t even remember his name, now. I really wish we hadn’t had the “bond-burning” when we graduated and all tossed our shoeboxes full of letters from each other into the senior class bonfire. It was symbolic at the moment, but now I’d love to read those letters and remember what it was like to be just a girl in love with a boy with friends I couldn’t stand be away from.

And they’re leaving me. Well, not all of them. Katie will still be here, but while I should be able to relate to her the most, she’s the one I feel most disconnected from. We have such similar lives that I don’t want to hear about kids, bills, repairs, and sleepovers; I live that life every day! I want to hear about Chance’s exciting news chases, Alissa’s crazy boy stories, and Dani’s easy way of making my life sound like bliss. I never have anything interesting to share——I’m sure they’re really excited to hear about fighting with a husband every day, replenishing wardrobes every three months to accommodate growth spurts, and researching the best “twenty-minute meals” to add a little spice to the redundant menu we’ve rotated weekly for years.

On the other hand, maybe they’d like to hear what it’s like to work on your feet for eight hours a day, eat peanut butter and jelly three days a week, and bring home a weekly paycheck that never hits over $300 after taxes.

I shook my head and realized I was pulling into the driveway at the daycare; I didn’t even remember driving across town. I reached in my purse and grabbed my phone to turn it off. Not like it really mattered as I still have a flip phone and have to click each key multiple times to type out a simple message. I don’t get half of the texts the other girls send because my phone is too old to get group texts. It just looks at me all confused.

Dani texted me last night to tell me that Alissa and Dani were supposed to go today for the ultrasound to find out how far along Alissa is. After this appointment, they’ll finalize the timeline, and their big, fancy trip will be all set. No doubt there will be a friend meeting called that I will most likely have to miss.

And how the hell does Brandon get to take a “lazy day” off from work and number one, not tell me in advance, and number two, get pissed at me because I interrupted his morning by asking him to take his own children to school? How does that work? I can’t just take a day off from work and stay home to read or take a nap, so how does he get to do that?

I turned off my phone and slammed it into my purse so hard it bounced out and slid under the front seat. I glanced at my dashboard clock and shook my head. “I’ll have to get it after work.” I grabbed my coffee and headed into the daycare.