The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (10 page)

Madame Cadavre Exquis
inspires Zombies everywhere by reminding us of the famous Terracotta Army, discovered in 1974 in the province of Lintong, Xian, Shaanxi Province, China. The army was found in mammoth vaults, or pits, beneath the earth near the tomb of Emperor Qin Shihuang. These thousands of life-size warriors—archers, cavalry, and infantry—have waited to be excavated and animated for more than two millennia. It has been estimated that it took 720,000 builders thirty-eight years to create this, the ideal Horde Army. We keep hope, er, alive that just the right Virus will come along to awaken them, perhaps even as the last soldier is excavated from terra firma.

The Terracotta Army awaits animation

The Commanding Corpse who thoroughly understands the advantages that accompany variations of tactics knows how to handle his Horde.
Mix it up. Strike back with a severed arm or leg. Stab your foe with detached digits. Comrade lost his head? Hurl it into their midst. The leader who does not understand these options may be well acquainted with the configuration of the country, yet will not be able to turn his knowledge to practical account, or to victory.

Hence, the Zombie student of war who is unversed in
The Art of War for Zombies
and varying his plans will fail to make the best use of his faculties such as they may be.

In the wise Zombie leader’s plans, considerations of advantage and of disadvantage will be blended together.
Remember the Zombie advantages: We. Are. Unstoppable. Shock and Awe? We invented it. We laugh, or rather moan, at traumatic injury. And we are unrelenting in our pursuit of our goal: BRRRAAAIIINNNS! Oh, that and GLOBAL SUPREMACY. If our expectation of advantage be tempered in this way, we may succeed in accomplishing the essential aim of our scheme... feasting on Gray Matter!

And if, in the midst of difficulties, we are always ready to seize an advantage, we may also extricate ourselves from misfortune, and turn the tables on our Enemy.
Reduce hostile Mortal chiefs by inflicting damage on them. Make trouble for them, and keep them constantly engaged. Just when they think There Are No More Zombies, send out another plodding corpse. Hold out specious allurements, like Twizzlers and Slim Jims, and make them rush to any given point, where others of our number are waiting with clawing, grasping arms. BWAHAHA!

There are five dangerous faults which affect Mortal generals and our prey in general...to our favor! They are:

Recklessness,
which leads to destruction. Who, pray tell, is reckless? The “Hero” of a thousand faces. The Loner who believes he is the hot shot who will save the world. The Antihero. The Underdog. The Rookie, who seeks to prove his worth. Or the Nerd, who seeks to impress the opposite sex. Lord, what fools these Mortals be!

Cowardice.
Yellow-bellied, lily-livered, chicken-hearted (wait, I’m getting hungry) Humans who just go to pieces (when we’re done with ‘em) at the sight of a few shambling Zombies heading their way. Which leads to their capture. And our lunch break.

A hasty temper.
Humans with anger management issues can easily be provoked, not by Zombies, but by close relatives, Human rivals for possible mates, or cable company employees. While they’re busy beating their chests, step in and take a bite out of the situation.

A delicacy of honor and fear of shame.
When it comes to Zombies, there is no delicacy. Our watchwords: No guts, no glory!

Over-solicitude for his soldiers.
The Human leader who is a caring father figure will expose himself to worry, sleepless nights, jangled nerves, lowered resistance, and Zombies! Another easy target.

Zombie all
you can be

S
un-Tzumbie said: We come now to the question of encamping the Horde, and observing the movements of the Enemy.
Pass quickly over open ground, where it might be easy for a sharpshooter to get in a head shot. Avoid hills, as your climbing abilities are limited. Stick to urban areas, if you must—there is an abundance of prey. Or seek the concealment of wooded areas. Before Apocalypse (
BA
for short), fugitive Humans eluded capture for decades by using the protective cover of the forest.

After crossing a river, shamble far from it. If you find yourself carried away by the current, wait until you wash up on the banks and continue your foray. Many Zombies have found their way to New Orleans in this manner, and it is now a trendy mecca for elite Zs, although at times it may be difficult to distinguish the Living from the Undead.

Fortunately, we ghouls are not hindered by the need for waterborne craft. It is often possible to snatch a quick meal as Humans embark and debark from their vessels. Lurking under pylons and pontoons is especially effective. If you can, upset their boat and seize them while they’re floundering around. Marvel at how they resemble us in such situations.

In crossing salt marshes, take advantage of the preservative properties of salts. With proper seasoning, you’ll stay fresh and dry for months, staving off the effects of putrefaction. The downside of salt-curing is excessively dry skin. This will peel away before too long, however, and other Zombies will admire your new, streamlined bony look.

Dry, level country favors the horizontally-abled. You will be able to heave yourself along indefinitely while taller ghouls may fall to Human attackers. Moving at ground level affords you the opportunity to bite and grasp at ankles and bring down any number of Mortals.

THE BRANCHES OF LORE

These are the four useful branches of lore
referred to in The Zombie Field Manual, which enabled the great Undead Emperor Imhotep (often mistakenly referred to as “The Mummy”) to vanquish the Fourth Dynasty, as follows:

KNOW YOUR ENEMY. Humans will always choose high ground over low, and sunny places over dark.
Maneuver your forces so that the sun is in their eyes. You will have the advantage of appearing darker, scarier, and more menacing. Move in darkness whenever you can. You will gain a powerful psychological advantage over the timid Gray Matter Storage Receptacles.