The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (12 page)

S
un-Tzumbie said:
Team Zombie may distinguish six kinds of terrain.

     
Happy Hunting Ground

     
Land of No Return

     
No Great Shakes

     
Narrow Passes

     
Precipitous Heights

     
Distant Ground

1. Ground which can be freely traversed by both sides is called Happy Hunting Ground or Accessible Ground.
The open fields of Pennsylvania are a prime example. With regard to ground of this nature, beat the Enemy in occupying raised, sunny spots. Or just eat the Enemy.

2. Ground which can be abandoned but is hard to re-occupy is called Land of No Return, or Entangling Ground.
From a position of this sort, if the Enemy is unprepared, you may shamble forth and defeat him. But if the Enemy, especially the Redneck (see also
Variables of Engagement
), is prepared for your coming, and you fail to defeat him, then mayhem and keg parties will ensue.

3. When the position is such that neither side will gain by making the first move, it is called No Great Shakes, or Temporizing Ground.
In a position of this sort, even though the Enemy should offer us its attractive bait (BRRRAAAIIINNNS), it will be advisable not to stumble forth, but rather to retreat, thus enticing the Human in his turn. Then, when part of his army has come out, we may deliver our attack with advantage.

4. With regard to Narrow Passes, if you can occupy them first, let them be strongly manned, er, Zombied, and await the advent of the Enemy.
Should the Humans forestall you in occupying a pass, do not go after it if the pass is fully garrisoned, but only if it is weakly garrisoned. Because even though the Humans’ spirits may be willing, their flesh will be weak. But tasty nonetheless.

5. With regard to Precipitous Heights, if you are there before your adversary, occupy the raised and sunny spots and wait for him to come up.
Work on your tan; perhaps it will help even out your varied skin tones. If the Enemy has occupied them before you, do not follow him, but retreat to the basement, shut off the lights, and simply wait for your foe. Humans are so bloody predictable.

When you are far from the Enemy, the land you occupy is called Distant Ground.
The strength of your two armies is equal, it is not easy to provoke a battle, and fighting will be to your disadvantage. Hold off.

Now a Horde is exposed to
SIX CALAMITIES,
not arising from natural causes, but from faults for which the Zombie general is responsible. These are:

     
Flight,
or in our case, blight

     
Insubordination,
or in our case, incomprehension

     
Collapse—
after our heads are severed from our bodies

     
Ruin—
when some hothead Human blows up the Earth

     
Disorganization—
well, we can’t help that