The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. (5 page)

By employing his fellow Undead indiscriminately, stepping on toes, or failing to observe and adapt to field conditions.
This will shake even a seasoned Zombie’s confidence, which may already be shaky. (Hey, have you looked in a mirror lately?)

When the Horde is restless, trouble is sure to follow.
It is then that we fail to get one another’s backs and fall prey to the salvos of the Humans, forsaking victory.

The Zombie who knows when to fight and when to shamble away lives to eat another day.

He will win who knows how to handle large and small groups of Humans.

He will win when the Horde is animated by the Spirit of the Undead. Reanimated cheerleaders may be used for this purpose.

He will win when he retains the element of surprise. Don’t stop to take pictures.

He will win who perseveres and is not interfered with by petty concerns. The Apocalypse is an inappropriate time to start obsessing about those unpaid parking tickets. Instead, hunt down that meter maid and show her what-for, Undead style! You will not only vindicate yourself, but you will have recruited a new member of the Horde.

Hence the saying: If you know the Enemy (the Humans), and you know yourself (or what’s left of you), you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.

In the midst
of life they are
in death

S
un-Tzumbie said:
The good Zombies of old first put themselves beyond the possibilities of defeat and waited for opportunities of defeating the Enemy in graveyards, in fields, and at the Monroeville Mall.

Humans tend to panic, scream, freeze with fear, and stumble into our grasping arms. Or they are overconfident, loitering under trees in orange hunting vests, quaffing their Rolling Rocks, seeking to put their .22s to our heads. Ha! Talk about overkill! We may be slow in more ways than one. As a wise Zombie once said, “Death is nature’s way of telling us to slow down.” But the Human all too often forgets that the Horde is also headstrong.

The good Zombie is able to secure himself against the cricket bat and bowling ball, but cannot be certain of defeating the Enemy.
Hence the Human saying: “One may know
how
to conquer without being able to do it.” This is true in reverse for the attention-insufficient Zombie. We may be able to conquer without really knowing how we are doing it, besides biting and NOMMING, that is.

Security against defeat implies defensive tactics.
Ability to defeat the Enemy means taking the offensive. And that is what Zombies do—offend. You go, ghoul!

Standing on the defensive indicates insufficient strength.
Attacking indicates a superabundance of strength. Always bite off more than you can chew—and chew it!

The general who is skilled in defense hides in the most secret recesses of the Earth:
the abandoned Piggly Wiggly, the deserted filling station, the back booths of Applebee’s. He who is skilled in attack flashes forth from these unseen depths of hell. Thus on the one hand we have the ability to protect ourselves; on the other, for a victory that is complete, we can—and we will—spring from the back room of Yankee Candle and look alive!

Madame Cadavre Exquis refers
to the story of Han Zombo who, when about to attack the exceedingly superior army of Chaos, moaned to his forces: “Let us go and annihilate the Enemy, and meet again at dinner.” His Zombies murmured doubtfully. But Zombo had already worked out in his mind the details of a stratagem whereby (as he foresaw) he was able to capture the army in time for a gloriously gory evening meal.

To see victory only when it is within the ken of the common Horde is not the acme of excellence.
Neither is it the acme of excellence if you fight and conquer and the whole Horde says, “Well done,
NOM, NOM
!” By the way, speaking of acme, Sun-Tzumbie reminds us: Beware the Acme Giant Rubber Band for Tripping Road Runners... and Zombies. (You know how Humans are influenced by cartoons.)

True excellence
is planning secretly (beware the growing numbers of Humans studying Zombie phrase books), moving surreptitiously (do the best you can), foiling the Enemies’ intentions (keep your head), and thwarting their schemes (like when they use cauliflower as a brain “decoy”), so that at last the day may be won with Zombies relatively intact.