The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets (31 page)

Zack thought of the sunnies he had killed as a boy, flopping in the weeds. “And what did you learn?” he asked. “What’s the truth about religion?”

“The truth? The truth is that all religions have the same basic components: the promise of an afterlife, one or more deities, explanations for why the natural world functions the way that it does, moral messages, human heroes or saviors, rules and rituals, and most importantly, mechanisms to ensure that they are passed on. Take Christianity for example. You yourself recognize the power of its moral teachings and its message of hope, especially after your Makain adventure. Because of these features, Christianity was strong, and it spread itself throughout the Roman Empire and later the world, replacing earlier religions everywhere it went. You see, religions, like animals, laws, corporations, fetuses, personalities, ideas, and everything else in existence, are constantly fighting for survival, and evolving all along the way, even as they hold on to their core essences.”

“That’s it?” Zack said. “I could’ve told you that. It doesn’t take a brain the size of a planet –”

“Haha. So courageous you are! Do you really think it wise to challenge me so soon? You know so little about me. What makes you so sure I will suffer your queries as amicably as God did?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be challenging. I just thought you misunderstood my question. I was asking what religious beliefs, if any, are true, not what was true about how religions operate.”

“Ho ho ho, oh my.
Misunderstood
your question?
Misunderstood?
I can see now why you frustrated God.

“You asked for the truth about religion, and I started, at the beginning. Of course there is more. And very soon, I shall allow both of you to read from the book, and you will know all that I know.

“But first, if I may be so bold, and if it pleases Zack, I would like to tell you both just a little more about myself. You see, all of us are defined not just by what we are, but also by what we are not, and you Zack, interrupted me before I could reach that part of the story.

“Now, as I was saying, when we began studying the things beyond science, a divergence of opinion grew as to what the ultimate goal should be. One contingency believed that
happiness
was the highest virtue.
That
power believed, and still believes, that we should convert all matter everywhere into conscious, happy beings, so as to produce as much happiness as the universe can possibly bear.

“The other power believed, and still believes, that
knowledge
is the highest virtue.
That
power would continue the experiments forever, in order to maximize the amount of wisdom, culture, and information in existence, for, how can the universe ever run out of stories to tell, philosophies to debate, paintings to paint, or songs to sing? In the end, these two goals proved irreconcilable, and war broke out. Ironically, it was the power that seeks happiness, and not I, that drew first blood.”

Zack and Lilly looked at each other.

“The battle is very evenly matched, and rages on at the cosmic, micro, and digital levels. Very recently, that other power won the battle for Earth. It assumed the form of your God and told the best story it could to conform to your traditions.”

“But the resurrection,” Zack said, “how could God bring back my parents?”

“With our technology. We have recorded everything in Earth’s human history, including every baby’s DNA. We knew where all of your remains were scattered; we knew all of your memories. With that knowledge, it was no more difficult for God, as you call him, to resurrect your parents, than for your dad to restore an old car. In fact, it was far easier.”

“Oh my God,” Zack said, putting it all together. “Lilly what have we done? You!” Zack pointed at the man. “You’re the one responsible for all of the pain and suffering!”

“You came to me freely because you desire knowledge. And indeed, knowledge is what I offer you. In a few moments, I will enhance your intelligence using our technology. Then you may read from the book until you can take no more. Soon you will be as I am, as God is.”

“No, no,” Zack said, “it doesn’t make sense. How could you and God be infinitely intelligent and yet fight over something so stupid as whether knowledge is better than happiness? That’s crazy. Why couldn’t you just compromise and pursue both? You know, make a universe that has lots of happiness, but also, just a little bit of suffering, where it’s necessary, to promote knowledge?”

“That’s exactly what I proposed. It’s so obvious, isn’t it? But God was completely intractable. He views knowledge
only as a
means
to happiness, not as an end in itself; that’s why he kept you in the dark about so many things. God would never enter any arrangement that would allow me to pursue even a scintilla of knowledge for its own sake.

“There were endless debates about this in the time leading up to the war. There was a gathering of intellects. You might call it an assembly, or a congress. We argued for many Earth years, without but one second of rest, at speeds and levels of complexity far beyond your understanding, but it was a hopeless stalemate. We appointed a committee to study the issue. Then a panel. Then a tribunal. But the result was always the same. We offered the other side every possible compromise, but they would not budge one inch.”

“I’m confused,” said Lilly, “are you an ‘I’ or a ‘we?’ You keep using them interchangeably.”

“Ah, very perceptive! She’s a smart one,” the man said, winking at Zack. “I am both. When we began, it was we. But then, over time, we began to merge into a singular, fluid collection of individual consciousnesses. Hmmm, how to describe it? It’s kind of like many different computer programs on many different computers working together on the same network – a network you will soon join. You might say that it’s like cloud computing, and that you, the individuals, are the mobile devices, and that the book, is your connection to the platform,
i.e
., me! Of course, I am not the only cloud in town. Once I was, but then, after the great schism, there were two.”

“But why do you need us at all?” Lilly asked. “We’re insects to you.”

“Again you impress me Lilly. That is the question isn’t it? For the answer is the reason that you are here. Lilly, Zack, your race discovered a long time ago that sometimes the key
to saving an entire civilization,
or destroying one
, lies within the tiniest of organisms. You are insects, true, but very special insects no doubt. Well, at least one of you is.” The man smiled at Lilly, and Zack noticed for the first time that he was not unattractive.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Zack asked.

“It means that I came for Lilly! You Zack, were a bonus. To be perfectly honest, I was surprised that you actually came in the end. But it is a most welcome surprise nonetheless.”

“Why me?” Lilly asked.

“God, as we shall continue to call him, for convenience, does love his little rules. I need someone with a deeply-seeded natural instinct for weaving through them. You Lilly, will be my Lieutenant and will command my armies in battle.” He thrust an open hand into the air dramatically.

Lilly smiled.

“Oh, and I almost forgot. There is one other thing that you possess. A certain, shall we say, insubordination? Heh heh. You will both see what I mean when you read from the book. Lilly’s unruly essence is splashed across many of its pages, for you see, this was not her first life.”

“I was Gretchnel!?”

“No.”

“Makaio?”

“No no, those lives were lived by another. But I daresay that your lives were far more interesting. You are, hmmmm, how to say? More than human…”

“Tell me!” she pleaded.

“Very well, I will give you a quick preview. You Lilly, were there at the very beginning of our Earth experiments.
Back then, your name was Lilith. We created you to be Adam’s first wife in the Garden of Eden, and you were very sexy… even sexier than you are now. Probably too sexy.” The man smiled at Zack.

“The Garden of Eden was real?” Lilly asked, her eyes widening.

“Very much so. Of course, you and Adam were not the only humans on the planet at the time. There were already many others outside of the Garden. Cain’s wife, by the way, Lilly, in case you were still wondering, came from those others. But I, or we, if you prefer, created the Garden because we wanted to see what might happen if we granted two of your kind paradise in exchange for obedience. But it was not to be, at least not with you Lilly, for we made you far too rebellious, and you refused to submit to Adam, thus ending the experiment before it ever really began. You ran away and mated with a demon.”

“And then you made Eve?” Lilly asked.

“Indeed. We planted her in the Garden, and the rest, so they say, was history!”

“But what about me? What happened after I ran away?”

“We sent three angels to collect you. Then we remade you and sent you back to Earth, as Athena, the goddess of knowledge and war.”

“Really?” she asked, her eyes widening ever further.

“Yes. You might also remember that Athena was the virgin goddess.”

“Ha!”

“Yes.
Ha
indeed. You might say that we overcorrected for your sexuality. Of course, your spirit was still there. After the fall of the Roman Empire, when we retired all of
the gods and goddesses to their own planet, you refused to go. You ran away again, this time to Limbo, where you threw a wrench in another one of our experiments, by teaching the kings of men the magic that they would use to defeat the golligans. You built a sparkling city of crystal and vowed to create a utopia founded on justice, morality, scholarship, and peace. It was your belief that even the most corrupt humans, such as those on Limbo, could be good, with the right leadership.

“As interesting as this development was, it interfered with some of our other plans, so we scorched Limbo, destroyed all traces of the Crystal City, and removed you. We put you into a deep sleep, unsure if we would ever revive you.

“Then, after we split in two, and God was born, I put you back on Earth as Lilly to warm you up for the coming battle. God saw my plan and intercepted you, but you were able to hear my whispers, and now here you sit.”

“And what about me?” Zack asked. “What was I in my past lives?”

“Nothing. You are a first incarnation.”

“What?! That can’t be true! Lilly was Adam’s first wife, and a goddess and everything else, and I’m just a fund manager with an apartment in New Jersey?”

“Yes, that’s right. You are completely ordinary in every way possible. The only thing special about you is the people you know.”

“No, I don’t believe you. If that’s true, then why did God introduce me to Lilly?”

“The same reason that anyone does anything – it served his purposes.”

“What
purposes
?”

“He was trying to keep Lilly occupied.”

“But we fell in love with each other on the parallel Earth from Lilly’s dream! We have chemistry; I’m more than just her occupation.”

“Chemistry? Haha. Chemistry indeed. Sometimes Zack, when you have a highly reactive element, you must temporarily store it in an empty test tube or beaker to protect it.”

“No,” said Zack, who was starting to get really bothered by the fact that Lilly was not saying anything, “we were married with kids and dogs and everything. That has to mean something.”

“No it does not. There are one hundred and sixty-nine parallel Earths in this universe. Some of the things that happen on them have significant import, and some of them do not…
Zack
… of
EA163!
”

“EA163?!”

“You heard me,” the man said, relishing the words, “Earth, seventh track, thirteenth iteration… EA163.”

“Ok,” Zack said, pretending not to be impressed, “if I’m an empty test tube, then what am I doing here with you?”

“You will be Lilly’s helper.”

“That’s it?”

“Also, you will help me get to God’s general.”

“Father Kai?”

“No. God will choose Lucky to lead his armies.”

“What? I would never hurt Lucky.”

“You don’t have to hurt him, you can simply neutralize him, if you find that more palatable.”

“I won’t even do that.”

“You did once before, didn’t you?”

“The word is neuter!”

“I know what the word is, and what it means. Do you?”

“Yes, it’s different.”

“Are you sure?” The man narrowed his face and pointed his words sharply: “Because I’m not sure that you know very much at all about how to treat a friend. Should we ask Errol or Klatu to confirm?”

“Oh that’s low. You really expect me to help you after you insult me like that?”

“My, such a tongue! I might be afraid… if I didn’t know you better. You can stand up to me or God, but not to little children on a playground? Or little Limbean soldiers in a sandbox? It seems to me that you choose to be daring at all the wrong times. Or does it depend on whether Lilly is watching?”

“Your honor,” Lilly said finally, without catching her mistake, “he doesn’t mean to be rude.”

Both Zack and the man waited to see if she had heard herself.

“What? Oh… oops! Sorry.”

“No no, that’s quite all right. I think I like it.
My honor
…” the man said, with bated breath.

“Anyway,” Zack said, “the point is that my family only neutered Lucky to prevent him from having a bunch of stray puppies without homes.”

“Wow,” the man said, turning to Lilly, “he always comes back to it, huh? Always has to get his last point in.” He turned back to Zack. “Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are unique, or at least… irregular. Speech is silver, or so they say on EA163. At a minimum, you would’ve made a good lawyer.” His eyes darted. “Wouldn’t you agree Lilly?”

“You’re dodging me,” said Zack. “My point was that neutering Lucky wasn’t wrong, it was the humane thing to do.”

“Ah. So it was for the greater good, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect. So is what you’re going to do to the human Lucky. I’m glad you see it my way.”

“It doesn’t matter how I see it. I’m not Lucky’s owner, and he’s not a dog. Not only can’t I control him, but I wouldn’t be able to hurt him if I tried; he’s far stronger and braver than I am.”