The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets (10 page)

“Then why bring it up at all?”

“Because sometimes repetitious behavior can drive one insane if one lets it, and I want you to be happy.”

“Well I’ll be happy when you tell me why you allowed so much suffering in the world.”

“Then please, continue.”

“I will. Let’s talk about the sunnies.”

“Sure, anything you want.”

“When I was a boy, as you know, I used to fish in that lake down there.”

“Yes.”

“And when I caught Sunfish – ‘sunnies,’ I would always throw them in the weeds to die.”

“Right.”

“Cause they competed with the bass and catfish, which made for better cooking than the sunnies. And when I would throw them away, they would flop around in vain. I think this might have been an evolutionary instinct to help them get back into the water. First they would flop quickly, then more slowly. Then they would just lie there for a few minutes, puffing their chests up and down and opening and closing their gills. Are you telling me that they didn’t feel pain?”

“Zack –”

“Did you know that sometimes, just to make it interesting, I would toss one of them really close to the water to see if it would get back in? Occasionally it did.”

“Zack –”

“What did they learn from it? The world has turned for billions of years, and in that time, trillions upon trillions of animals have suffered like that. What was the point of all of it?”

“Zack, do you remember before when I told you that everything is connected by a great energy?”

“Yes.”

“When animals suffer, the whole universe suffers and learns. And when animals go back into the dust, they rejoin the universe and share in the happiness that comes later. All are one, one is all.”

“What? No, come on. What does that last part even
mean?
It’s just a platitude.”

“I will show you. Zack, some things cannot be explained, they must be felt. Open up your heart and mind.”

“Ok.” Zack closed his eyes and relaxed himself the way he had done when Lilly gave him her memories, and an incredible happiness washed over him. He could not describe it, but it was a profound sense of peacefulness, a high almost. It was a feeling in his bones that although things had been tough, it was all for a reason – to create the peace that he and the Earth, inexplicably connected, now shared together. Still though, there was a distant place within Zack that the feeling did not penetrate, a gnawing fear that he could not let go of just yet.

God seemed to sense this. “That’s ok my son… for now.”

12

L
illy, where are you? It was a few days later, and Zack’s mind raced around the globe.

Videogame. Can’t talk.

Can I join you?

Sure.

Zack blinked and found himself sitting in the gallery of a hot, dusty old courtroom, surrounded by a throng of surprisingly realistic people dressed in old-fashioned clothing. Paper fans were everywhere, silently waving at their owners, and Lilly was in front, cross-examining a very important witness.

“Mr. Bryan,” she said, “do you believe that Adam and Eve are the ancestors of all people?”

“I do.”

“And doesn’t the Book of Genesis say that they had two sons, Cain and Abel?”

“No. There was also Seth.”

“So then they had three sons, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“And isn’t it true that Genesis makes no mention of Adam and Eve conceiving any daughters?”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“And doesn’t Genesis say that after Cain slew Abel, and God put a mark on him, that Cain went east of Eden and knew his wife?”

“It does.”

“Well then, Mr. Bryan, where did Cain’s wife come from?”

“I leave the agnostics to hunt for her.”

Ah, Zack thought, the Scopes Monkey Trial. Good one Lilly. He sat and watched patiently. She was good, really good. It’s too bad that there were no real trials anymore.

After Lilly finished her cross-examination, Zack applauded loudly. “So this is what lawyers do for fun?” he called out.

“Pause!” Lilly shouted. The other people in the courtroom froze. “No, I just want to keep my skills sharp.”

“For what?”

“Who knows? Hey, let’s get out of here. I’ll show you something
fun
.”

They held hands and were immediately sitting on a beach. It was early morning. The sand was white, and the water was light-turquoise.

“I learned how to use an additional sense,” she said.

“REALLY?”

“Yeah, I’ll show you,” she replied, tightening her grip on Zack’s hand. “We’ll do it together first, until you get the hang of it. Close your eyes and try to feel the space around you.”

“Ok.”

“Now, try to feel the ocean out there. Think about the waves and try to feel them coming in.”

“Whoa!” He felt a wave. Then he felt another one and another one. He was not just seeing the waves or knowing that they were there, but was actually feeling them as if they were part of him – every ripple, every droplet – and their energy. Their rhythm was relaxing and beautiful, and he felt like a baby being rocked to sleep.

“Can you believe it?” Lilly asked. “I think it’s some form of telepathy.”

“Wow.”

“Ok, another one,” she said, rising to her feet and unexpectedly taking off into the sky.

Zack followed, and they flew up and up, to the very edge of space, where the air was thin and the sky was without color. Zack wondered how far they could go before violating God’s rule.

“Ok, now try it again Zack.”

He did, but this time the sensation was not pleasant. Nothingness was all around him; it was like being in a dark room and reaching desperately for the light-switch, only to grasp bare wall.

He stopped. “Whoa, that one was a little scary.”

“Haha. Ok, now the next one’s the last one, I promise.”

“No need to promise, I trust you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” she said, with a mischievous smile. Then she led him back down, to the site of an abandoned coal plant in the Midwest.

The weeds were tall, and Zack concluded that the plant had lost favor even before God brought Heaven.

“Ok,” Lilly said, maneuvering her hand until the plant began pouring smoke into the sky. “Now, feel it.”

“Ouch!” The electricity shocked Zack to his core. It was an intense overload, like turning off a DVD player and finding out all at once that the volume on the TV was up way too high.

Lilly giggled. “You’re lucky I didn’t take you to a nuclear plant!”

“I guess so! What do they call that?”

“I don’t know. I just discovered it on my own. Pretty cool though.”

“Yeah, thanks for showing me. So does this mean we’re over what happened in the woods? I’m sorry by the way. I know I was being a jerk.”

“Of course. I’m sorry too, I overreacted.”

“That’s ok, even monkeys fall from trees!”

“Phhhhhhhh. Whatever. Hey, let’s go back to the beach.”

“You read my mind!”

“Uh… so lame.”

An instant later, they were back beside the waves, sitting together with their bare feet in the cool morning-sand.

“So, is it really true Zack that you
never
believed in Santa Claus?
Never
?”

“It is. It just didn’t make any sense to me. I had too many unanswered questions. If the reindeer could fly, then why didn’t I ever see any flying reindeer? And why couldn’t I fly? And what about all those poor kids from the mall? Since as long as I can remember, my parents would take me there to this spot in the middle where they had dozens of needy kids’ wish-lists posted on a board. They’d tell me to pick one, and then we’d go shopping for everything on the list.
Why would that have been necessary if there was a Santa Claus?”

Lilly picked up a handful of sand and let it spill through her fingers. “You have really great parents Zack, I hope you spent some time with them over the past few days.”

“I did a little, but it’s kind of hard. My dad spends most of his time staring at the TV. He’s a history buff and a military buff, and when he found out that God has recordings of every battle ever fought, that was it. He just sits there all day like a cow, stuffing his face. Meanwhile my mom sits on the other side of the room in front of another TV watching every play that was ever produced. Although, to be fair, I do have to admit that it’s pretty cool seeing the Spartans make their stand at the
actual
Battle of Thermopylae, or watching the
original
production of
Romeo and Juliet
. I don’t know.” Zack leaned back and looked up at the sky. The sun was breaking through the morning grey. “So, are you really happy in Heaven?”

“I don’t know… I have mixed feelings. For example, yesterday was my high school reunion.”

“You went to that? I don’t know why you bothered.”

“Well, I probably shouldn’t have. It was weird. I couldn’t recognize anyone, they had all changed their appearances so much. And, they were all high too.
Really
high. I mean, I know I did it too back then, but it was just pot, and I could still carry on a conversation. Half of these people at the reunion were just standing there like zombies. They were doing hardcore shit too: coke, E, and one thing I had never seen before. It was a drink that came in a small glass bottle, about the same size as a 5-hour Energy drink. The liquid was bright neon blue, almost like blue Gatorade, but more
intense. It glowed, like it was giving off energy, and after someone would drink it, their eyes would get very wide like they were looking at something amazing.”

“Yeah, it’s weird, but not necessarily a big deal anymore. You know, there’s no hangovers, no gangs fighting over turf… you can snap out of your high any second you choose.”

“I know, but still. Anyway, it gets worse. Debbie Parsons was there.”

“Ah, Debbie Parsons. Every high school has one! Seriously Lilly, you should let this stuff go. You’re all grown up now. You’re a lawyer.”

“
Was
a lawyer.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, look, I know. I grew up, moved away, and forgot all about high school. But when I went to the reunion yesterday, all of my memories came flooding back, and I was painfully aware again of what the first half of my life was like. Do you know what Debbie said to me when we saw each other? ‘
Welcome
.’ Can you believe it?
Welcome
. As if this was her Heaven and it was up to her to let me in.”

“Maybe she just chose her words poorly.”

“No no no. I told you about the whole battle we got into over the prayers before school football games. Debbie remembered.”

“I don’t know Lilly. Didn’t you also tell me that she was class president? Maybe she organized the reunion or something.”

“The office of class president doesn’t carry over into the next life!”

“Haha, ok.”

“And even if it did, that’s just as bad. Remember, she beat
me
to be class president, and it was really close – three votes! She won even though I was more qualified and totally ran a better campaign. Besides, it’s what she said next that was really bad. She said, ‘So, I guess we didn’t have to worry about global warming after all, huh Lilly?’ Can you believe that!”

“I don’t know, maybe it was just a joke.”

“No, I’m telling you.”

“Well didn’t you see your friends there?”

“I did, that part was good. Oh, but then there was a fight! I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen here, but it did. One of my classmates was bi-racial, half black and half white. But at the reunion he appeared totally black. Someone made a comment, and then someone else made a comment, and before I knew it, there were like six guys hitting each other. I knew they couldn’t hurt each other, but still. Then God came, and he told them to stop and that they were all brothers. Then he asked them to open their hearts and minds to him, and he would show them. They all closed their eyes for a minute, and then they apologized and shook hands and hugged. I don’t know. I guess it was fine in the end, but somehow it seemed too easy.”

“Hmmm. God showed me that trick too. It wasn’t so bad, you should try it.”

“Maybe… I don’t know. Hey Zack, do you think this is atheist hell? Like when atheists are bad, they go to a traditional heaven with God and everything, because for them, that’s hell?”

“Heh. I don’t think so. This place isn’t that bad! Besides, you weren’t a bad person. You earned a medal, remember?”

Lilly smiled, but not for long.

“I don’t know. When God came, it’s like he turned everything upside-down. It’s like everything that I thought I knew turned out to be wrong.”

“I know.”

“Like, did you ever hear the saying, ‘this too shall pass?’”

“Yes.”

“My aunt used to tell me that whenever I had a childhood crisis. It helped me, and I appreciate what she was trying to do, but as I got older, I realized that the saying was completely wrong.”

“Why?”

“Because it was only true for the happy people! It was only true for the rich, lucky people with nice lives and easy problems that could be fixed with a little focus and hard work. For them, life’s tribulations were little tests that made them better. Getting picked on by the school bully? Go make friends with him. Miss out on that promotion? Work harder and get it next year. You struggle, eventually succeed, and learn from the process. Everything wraps up in a neat little package – like a TV sitcom episode. But for a lot of other people out there, life didn’t work like that. Like for a rape victim or a kid with terminal cancer. Or like a lot of my clients. Most of their problems didn’t just
pass
!”