The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets (12 page)

After Lucky’s transformation, Zack realized that he had hardly spent any time at all in Heaven with his friends, so he searched for Stan, who, it turned out, was deeply immersed in a videogame: NFL Superpro H3000. Fortunately, Zack caught him at a good time, and they were able to meet in a sports bar within the game. However, Zack was a little disappointed when he learned that Stan was not going to have a drink.

“Zack, I can’t. This game is 100% realistic, and I need to be in top physical shape so that I can perform on the field.”

“But we’re sitting in a bar,” Zack said, scanning the crowded room, “you’re nowhere near a field.”

“But tomorrow I will be. Look, Zack, this is a big deal. I’m the starting quarterback for the Washington Warriors. There’s over a thousand people playing in this game, and I got lucky enough to be one of the thirty-two starting quarterbacks. But if I’m not careful, I could lose the starting job.”

“Uh, isn’t it the Washington Redskins?”

“God made them change the name. There’s a really high percentage of Native Americans in Heaven.”

“Huh… ok. Stan, how long are you gonna be in here?”

“Six or seven more months, we’re still in training camp right now.”

“Dude, are you kidding me? You’re not gonna have a beer with me for six months?”

“Bro, we’ve got all eternity to have beers. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. In fact, you know what? After I’m done with this, we should do a videogame together.”

“Yeah, maybe. Stan… don’t you think you’re going a little overboard with all of this? Less than two weeks ago you were the staunchest atheist I knew. Now you don’t even care.”

“Oh, weak bro. Come on, not this again.”

“Stan. Do you remember what you said to me after you came back from Iraq? Do you remember what you said to me about God?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You remember.”

“Zack, I was never in Iraq.”

“Yes you were, you were there for nearly a decade.”

“Zack, you’re crazy.”

“Pull-up the tapes of the Iraq War, Dad.”

“Relax son, I’m going as fast as I can. By the way –” he turned to Lilly, “– what’s your name? It’s so nice to meet you. I’m so happy to see Zack with someone.”

“I’m Lilly. It’s nice to meet you too.”

“Hi!” Zack’s mom called from the other side of the room.

“Hi!” Lilly said, waving. Then she pounced on Zack’s brain. These are your parents?! You didn’t tell me you were bi-racial! I did kind of guess, but why didn’t you ever mention it?

I didn’t think it was relevant to anything.

“Ok, here we go,” Zack’s father said, thumbing through an infinite set of black VHS’s, which were of course the medium that he was most familiar with. “Stan… Stan…”

While they were waiting, Zack looked around the living room and kitchen, noticing for the first time how clean they were. The paint was new, the tiles were immaculate, and the wood on the inside of the doorways was flawless. This was not the same house that he collected his parents’ things from that day, so many years ago.

“Zack,” Lilly said, “Why don’t we just ask God about this? He
knows
we’re looking for the tapes. How do you think your dad is pulling them up? He hits the button, and God makes it work.”

“Not necessarily. Maybe God just created the technology.”

“Zack, he can hear us talking right now!”

“All right,” Zack said, “that’s it! Everyone use only telepathy now.”

“Zack,” Lilly said, “you’re not being rational.”

“Nope,” Zack’s father said, “it’s not here. There’s no record of Stan serving in Iraq.”

“I knew it,” Zack said. “This is bad. This is different from the other things. It’s a whitewash! It’s mind control!”

“Let’s just ask,” Lilly said, and before Zack could stop her, the question was on her lips. “God, we need to know something. Why doesn’t Zack’s friend Stan remember serving in Iraq?”

“Stan asked me if he could forget it,” God said, materializing. “It was his choice.”

“How do we know you’re telling the truth?” Zack asked.

“I’ll show you,” God said, turning the TV on to a very special program. It was the sports bar from Stan’s video-game, except that this time, it was lit very darkly, and the only people in it were God and Stan. They sat alone at a table in the back, having a beer.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Stan said. ‘No matter how many amazing videogames I play, how many plates of ridiculously good food I eat, or how many new senses you show me, I will never forget. It doesn’t even matter that my war buddies are all alive and well here. I can’t forget the things that happened, they will always haunt me.’ Stan’s eyes grew watery. ‘God, when we walked into that room – ’

“I’m sorry,” God said, “but I’ll have to fast forward through this part. It’s too private.” The memory skipped forward.

‘I want to forget,’ Stan said, his voice cracking.

‘I can take the memories away if you wish,’ God said. ‘But you will never have them back, and you will not even know that they are gone.’

‘That’s what I want. Take them, please!’

The TV went black.

“How do we know that really happened?” Zack asked.

“Open up your hearts and minds to me, and I will show you.”

“No, I’m not falling for that trick again,” Zack said. “It’s just a drug. You’re doping everyone up one way or another and turning their minds to mush. You’re making them into zombies who sit on the couch all day watching TV and stuffing their faces, or who disappear into videogames forever!”

“Son,” Zack’s father said, “calm down. God’s love is not a drug.”

“Zack,” God said, “your friends and family are making their own choices, I’m not pushing anyone into doing anything.”

“It’s true Zack,” his father said. “It’s my choice what I want to do with my time here. What, is God supposed to force me to do whatever you think is best? Huh? You know better than God or something?”

“Maybe God shouldn’t have made all of the good drugs and videogames,” Zack said.

“Well then what should he have made?” Zack’s father asked. “That’s the problem with you Zack. Your whole life all you have is questions and criticisms. ‘Why are we having that for dinner again Mom?’ ‘Why did we come to Disney World in the hot summer with all the crowds Dad?’ ‘Hey, did you hear what that idiot bank CEO did?’ ‘The Vietnam War was wrong.’ ‘Boy that was a stupid commercial!’ But do you know how hard it is to actually do something yourself Zack?” He turned to the man in the white robe. “God, I know exactly how you feel right now.”

“Are you going to send me to my room, Dad?”

“No, I gave up trying to control you a long time ago. He’s your problem now God!”

Lilly jumped in. “It’s more than just the drugs or video-games. It’s a million other little things. For example, how did George W. Bush get into Heaven?”

Zack shot a sarcastic, icy look at his father.

“Lilly,” God said, “whatever policy mistakes you think the President might have made, his intentions and his heart were good.”

“I thought good intentions paved the way to hell,” she replied.

No one answered this.

“Zack, Lilly, what are you trying to prove?” God asked. “Do you want me to tell you that I do not really exist and that atheism was correct the whole time?”

“No,” Lilly said, “there’s more. Two days ago I saw my old neighbor, Mrs. Perez, with her second husband. But she was with her first husband for so much longer – he only died a few years ago. Why isn’t she with him instead? I can only imagine how he must feel!”

“Lilly,” God said, “I’m surprised that this one bothers you. A lot of marriages have broken up since I brought my kingdom here. Remember, it’s
till death
do us part.”

Zack’s dad laughed, but he was the only one.

“Anyway Lilly,” God continued, “Mr. Perez is doing just fine. He understood and was happy for them. I introduced him to someone else, and all four of them went to lunch the other day.”

“But –”

“What would you have me do? If she was with her first husband, you would be upset that she was not with her second.”

“But it’s wrong!” Lilly shouted. “When she married her first husband, they didn’t plan for it to be this way. They thought they would be together forever, even in Heaven. But it didn’t happen, and there’s something very sad about that. There is an entire alternate future in which they are together in Heaven, but that future will never be!”

“Lilly, not all things can be. We make our choices and take as much happiness as we can, but there are logical limits that even I cannot surpass. What will it take to make you
happy?” He was exasperated. “
Would you have me make a square-shaped circle for you?
”

“NO, but I would have you allow me to make a BABY for myself!”

The room suddenly got dead silent, and Zack looked at Lilly like she was the second apocalypse. “What?”

“You all heard me. This
man
–” she pointed at God, “– told me that I can never have a baby in Heaven. It’s my fucking body, but for some reason, he gets to decide.”

Zack’s parents quietly slipped out of the room.

“Lilly, I didn’t say you could never have one. I just said that the baby could not stay here. It has to earn its place in Heaven first, and it would have to do that somewhere else. If this were to happen, you could visit it there, or you could live there until the child made it to Heaven. The choice would be yours.”

“We can leave Heaven if we want to?” Zack asked. He was still in shock, but this conversation was too important to stay out of. “I thought your first rule was that we had to stay on Earth.”

“You can leave under certain conditions. If you want, I can show you right now. It was not my intention to do this so soon, but apparently it’s necessary.”

“Show us,” Zack and Lilly said simultaneously.

13

“F
or thousands of years, I have been sending the people who are not yet ready to enter my kingdom to the planet of Limbo, which lies in a distant solar system. It is a harsh desert world with no oceans and daytime temperatures that typically exceed 100 degrees Fahrenheit. The people live in small villages and cities around what few scattered water sources there are, in simple stone and clay buildings.

“The Limbeans are a violent, primitive people. They war constantly, have no concept of justice, and have very little religion, science, or art to speak of. Even worse, their culture places no emphasis on sharing or helping others. For example, a Limbean would never stop to help an injured person that he encountered on a road. And even if he did, the act would be so unbelievable, that the injured person would not accept the stranger’s help, and would try to fight him off.

“And it gets worse. When a baby is born handicapped, the Limbeans leave it in the desert to die. They have no concept of hospitals or schools, and it is understood that a king rules for no other purpose than his own benefit. If one does
not like it, then one can raise his own army and challenge the king.”

“Survival of the fittest,” Zack said.

“Above all else,” God continued, “Limbeans are selfish.”

“Selfish? They sound inhuman!” Lilly remarked.

“No,” God replied, “they just represent a different side of humanity. And my children, it gets worse still.

“As a ritual, Limbean parents abandon each and every one of their children alone in the desert when they turn ten, in order to teach them personal responsibility. Girls find themselves a full three-day walk from the village, for boys, it is five. Only about half of these children ever make it back.

“And finally, perhaps most shocking of all, when Limbean children grow up, it is not uncommon for them to kill their parents and take their land. For this reason, parents walk a very fine line between giving their kids too much help in life, which would make them weak, and too little help, which would make them vengeful. Along the way, they constantly remind their children of all that they do for them, but also constantly gauge how much their children really appreciate it, in order to determine whether they will need to kill them before they get too strong. Such is the law of the desert.”

“Um, excuse me,” Zack said, “but why would we ever want to go there, let alone raise a baby there?”