The Accidental Proposal (36 page)

Dan fires the cue ball down to the other end of the table, and completely misses the ball he’s aiming for. ‘No, she’ll see that I’m still in demand, and that’ll make her want me even more.’

‘Or she might see that you haven’t changed, because you’re prepared to drop someone else for her
just like that
.’ I click my fingers. ‘Which means she might also think you’ll be just as prepared to drop
her
for someone else.’

‘Ah.’

I put my cue down and lean against the end of the table. ‘Dan, don’t you think it’s about time you started treating Polly decently? If the whole point is that you’re trying to win her back by proving how you’ve changed and what a decent bloke you are now, then why start by trying to play these games of yours?’

‘They’re not games, Ed,’ says Dan crossly, before nodding at the table. ‘This is a game. They’re tactics. Anyway. You’ve got two shots.’

‘And so do you, Dan. With Polly, I mean. And you’re lucky to have them. So don’t mess it up. She liked you before, she might well like you again. As long as you change what it is she hasn’t been so keen on in the meantime.’

As I say this, I realize the irony of that statement. And Dan knows I’m right, because it’s exactly what I did to get Jane back. Even though at the end of it all I decided I didn’t
want
her back, it worked.

‘So, you’re saying I should just go in there and be . . .’ Dan picks the chalk up again and rubs it nervously on the end of his cue. ‘Myself?’

I smile encouragingly at him. ‘Well, maybe not yourself, exactly. More a nicer, less game-playing version. The Dan she used to go out with, perhaps. Before Mister Celebrity came knocking at your door.’

Dan looks a little confused for a moment. ‘Oh. You mean before all this TV stuff happened. Not me actually receiving a visit from someone called . . .’

‘Exactly, Dan.’ I pick my cue back up and take my shot, and when my ball cannons off one of Dan’s and ends up in the opposite pocket to the one I was aiming for, make the ‘I meant to do that’ face. ‘Convince her that maybe you were just going through a phase.’

‘Like your “fat” phase?’

I blush a little. ‘If you like. But you need to convince her you’re in a better place now.’

‘The loft apartment?’

‘
Mentally
, Dan. And maybe even emotionally.’

‘So should I tell her I’m ready for all that long-term commitment stuff?’

I move round the table and take my next shot, rattling the jaws with the ball. ‘Only if you really are. And only after you’ve felt her out . . .’

‘Hur hur.’

‘I mean, found out what she’s after. She’s just broken up with Steve, after all.’

‘Right,’ says Dan, nodding at the table to indicate it’s still my go. ‘So she’s going to be vulnerable. Which I can take advantage of . . .’

‘Which you absolutely shouldn’t take advantage of,’ I say, exasperatedly. ‘Be her friend, Dan, if she’ll let you. And then see what happens from there.’

Dan makes the same face he makes when an ugly fan has sent him a naked photo. ‘Her . . . friend?’

I shake my head slowly. ‘Dan, relationships are based on friendships.’

‘Mine aren’t.’

‘Which is why you’ve had so many.’

‘Why do you always say that as if it’s a bad thing?’

I sigh, then lean over and take my next shot, missing an easy ball into the corner pocket. ‘All I’m saying is, if you do get back with Polly, then expect things to be a little different, because after all this time,
she
probably is. And maybe you should find out exactly what her expectations are before you go rushing headlong into it, decide it’s not what you want, and like Wendy said, break her heart again.’

Dan winces. ‘Ouch. Harsh.’

‘But fair, Dan. You don’t
want
to hurt her, do you?’

‘No, but . . .’

‘And it’s obvious she still has feelings for you.’

Dan rests his cue against the wall. ‘Is it?’

‘Of course it is. Just look at the way she reacted when she saw you during all that Slate Your Date stuff. Or the fact she didn’t stab you with a fork when the two of you had lunch afterwards. So you owe it to her to make sure it’s really what you want.’

He sits down heavily on a chair in the corner. ‘You keep saying “what you want”. Polly’s the “what” in the “what I want”. And surely if that’s the case, nothing else matters?’

‘I’d like to say yes, Dan, but it’s not as simple as that. You’ve got to prove to her you’ve changed.’

‘Right.’ Dan picks his beer up, then puts it straight back down again. ‘And how do I do that?’

‘Well, for one thing, she’d need to stop reading about you in the tabloids, constantly coming out of nightclubs with some groupie on your arm.’

‘That’s not a problem. Polly doesn’t read the tabloids.’

‘What I actually meant was that you could stop sleeping with your groupies.’

Dan slumps in his chair, like a five-year-old whose favourite toy has just been confiscated. ‘It’s just . . . difficult, you know? Particularly because they throw themselves at me. Literally, sometimes, like that one who was hiding on top of the bus stop outside my flat the other week.’

‘Yes, but you’ve
got
to. If you want Polly to take you seriously, that is.’

‘But . . . how? I mean, the words “celebrity” and “celibate” might be next to each other in the dictionary, but there’s a reason why they’re a million miles apart in real life.’

‘Remember what you told me a while ago? About giving up smoking?’

Dan frowns. ‘Ed, I have trouble remembering what I told you last week.’

‘You said to me, the best way to stop smoking is to stop buying cigarettes. And you were right. Remove the temptation, and it’s a lot easier.’

‘Huh?’

‘Well, where do you meet all these women?’

Dan thinks for a moment. ‘At nightclubs, obviously.’

‘So stop going to them.’

‘And at the gym. Or in the street. Or at the supermarket. Or when I’m out jogging. And at the hairdressers. And . . .’

I hold up a hand to stop him. ‘Maybe you should go out less often. Start shopping on-line.’

Dan puffs his cheeks full of air, then exhales loudly. ‘That’s easy for you to say, Ed. But one of the reasons I do this is because I like the fringe benefits. The adulation. When you’re filming for TV, you don’t really get any feedback, you know. It’s just you and a camera. But when I’m out on the street, it’s different. People come up to me and tell me they love my work. And sometimes, they want to
show
me how much. And who am I to deny them?’

‘But surely all you need to do is exchange a few words, rather than bodily fluids?’

‘Fair comment.’ Dan grins. ‘It’s hard, though. Especially because some of them are so attractive.’

‘More attractive than Polly?’

‘Of course not. But . . .’

‘But nothing. Keep your eye on the prize, for God’s sake. That way you’ll find them easier to resist.’

‘So you’re saying I should’ – Dan clears his throat, then lowers his voice – ‘lay off the women for a while. Instead of laying them, that is.’ He smiles at his own joke. ‘Did you see what I did there?’

‘Yes, but it’s Polly you should be worried about seeing what you did. And if you’re going to be plastered all over the papers, make sure it’s for the right reasons.’

‘The right reasons. Sure. Will do.’ He takes a mouthful of beer. ‘Which would be what, exactly?’

I sigh exasperatedly. ‘I don’t know. But anything’s better than being photographed sticking your tongue down some half-dressed teenager’s throat.’

‘She was sixteen, for the gazillionth time. That’s one of the
legal
teens.’

‘Just.’

‘That day, in fact,’ says Dan, as if that makes it any better. ‘Which was why she asked for a birthday kiss. How was I to know that there was a pap from the
Sun
there?’

‘That’s not the point. Why don’t you do some charity work, or something
?’

‘Charity work. Right.’ He picks his cue up again, leans over the table, and narrows his eyes in concentration. ‘Maybe I could start my own. The Dan Davis Foundation. For fallen young woman. I could give them a bed for the night, and . . .’

‘Be serious. Imagine how Polly will feel if she opens the paper one day and sees a picture of you doing something good.’

Dan makes a face I don’t see very often – of comprehension – and stands back up again. ‘You know, that’s not a bad idea,’ he says, chalking the tip of his cue.

‘You’ve got to convince her you’ve changed. And she’s not going to know that just by looking at you, is she?’

‘Not unless I get as fat as you were. But then again, that wouldn’t be a good thing. So what do I say if she asks me about it? You know, the womanizing.’

‘For one thing, you tell her you’ve stopped. And for another, tell her you were only doing it to fill a hole . . .’

‘Hur hur.’

‘Dan, please. In your life. Where Polly used to be.’

‘Oh yeah. Right. And?’

As he looks expectantly up at me, I realize this is what I need to make Dan understand. Polly dumped him because he was turning into something she didn’t like; someone she didn’t know any more – just like Jane did to me. Because that’s what women do, I’ve learned – go as far as their breaking point, and once they’ve reached that, it’s incredibly hard to convince them to come back from it. But what I can’t work out how to tell him, and what I suspect he feels himself, is that she might not want to be TV’s Dan Davis’s girlfriend, or certainly not the Dan Davis he’s become.

‘
And you’ve got to convince her that she should give you a chance to prove that you’ve changed.’

‘So, should I tell her that all these women didn’t mean a thing?’

‘Yes. And no. Because that would make you out as a heartless shag-monster. Which is not something to be proud of,’ I add, as a grin spreads across his face. ‘Just be honest. Tell her how you feel. There’s nothing more flattering than hearing that someone wants you more than anything else in the world, so that’s what you’ve got to concentrate on. Show her on the day that you’re courteous, helpful, witty, and, above all else, don’t try and snog anyone else.’

‘Apart from Sam, right?’

‘
Especially
Sam.’

Dan sighs. ‘I’m not sure, Ed. I mean, this is all a bit outside my comfort zone.’

‘Can’t you just accept it’s where you need to be?’

Dan looks at me as if I’ve just made the most outrageous suggestion. ‘This is women we’re talking about, Ed. Who knows more about them than me?’

‘Well, a woman, for one,’ I say, waving Wendy over.

Dan looks round to see who I’m gesticulating to, then grabs my hand. ‘What are you doing?’

‘Like I said the other day, we need a woman’s perspective.’

‘And like
I
said the other day, if that’s the case, why are you asking Wendy?’

‘Dan, she’s hardly going to help you if you insult her all the time. And don’t you think this silly feud of yours has gone far enough? It’s childish.’

‘She started it.’

‘See what I mean? And in actual fact, you started it, by sleeping with her flatmate then never calling her again, I seem to recall. Now be nice.’

‘What can I get you?’ says Wendy, arriving at the table. ‘Another Coke, Ed? Some manners, Dan?’

‘No, thanks,’ I say, patting the seat of the stool next to me. ‘We, I mean
Dan
, needs a bit of advice.’

Wendy looks at Dan suspiciously, then sits down reluctantly. ‘About what?’

‘Women,’ says Dan, although only after I’ve poked him with the blunt end of my pool cue.

As Wendy bursts out laughing, Dan turns to me. ‘You see, I told you it was a mistake,’ he says, throwing his cue onto the table and making for the toilets.

I chase after him, and guide him back to where Wendy’s sitting. ‘Wendy, be serious for a minute, please. Dan needs help.’

‘Of the “professional” variety,’ says Wendy, struggling for breath.

‘Please, Wendy. This is your chance to save all womankind. You can spare them all from any future hurt.’

She stops laughing abruptly. ‘How?’ she says, suddenly interested.

‘By telling Dan what it is he needs to change about himself to win back Polly.’

Wendy considers this for a
second or two. ‘How about everything?’

‘Which is what he’s prepared to do. Aren’t you, Dan?’

‘What? Oh. Yes. Of course. Whatever it takes,’ says Dan, through gritted teeth.

I nod encouragingly. ‘I mean, how did Andy convince you he was the one for you?’

‘Getting me pregnant was a good start,’ says Wendy, only half joking.

Dan frowns. ‘Yes, but Polly’s hardly going to let me get close enough to . . . Ah. You weren’t being serious.’