That Wedding (30 page)

"Maybe, but I was freaking out. You just don't need to go telling people about it, okay?"

All of a sudden, Phillip looked very interested in the road.

My phone buzzes. I have a text from Logan, one of our groomsmen.

"Phillip, here's a happy sentiment from Logan about our upcoming nuptials."

"That's cool. What'd he say?"

I read Phillip the text. "DID YOU TELL EVERYONE?"

"Uh, hey, we're here," he says as he pulls in the driveway.

Needless to say, I get all sorts of subtle, and not so subtle, shit about the STD because, by now, Phillip has told the whole fucking world about it.

At least with the XXX wedding, I only get funny texts from Danny.

I walk in the door, and Mr. Mac greets me with a slap on the back. "Hey, JJ, do you know how Burger King gave Dairy Queen an STD?" He laughs then says the punchline. "He forgot to wrap his whopper....hahaha get it?"

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

Everybody laugh.

Phillip, who I think is going to stick up for me, says seriously, "Dad, you really shouldn't joke about STDs."

See, isn't he sweet?

But then he adds naughtily, "You can't dick around with stuff like that."

And now, they're both practically rolling on the floor laughing. Holding their sides, trying to breathe, laughing.

I'm going to kill myself now.

We all sit down at the kitchen table. Wedding guest lists in hand.

My phone buzzes.

And buzzes.

Our friends are all soooo witty and clever.

And right now, I'm flipping them all off in my mind. Mrs. Mac, the very person that started this whole debacle, and the very person who should be most embarrassed by this, keeps grabbing my phone and reading the texts out loud. Then they all hoot with laughter.

I say boldly, "If you're through with all your fun, maybe we can actually work on the guest list?"

So Phillip, Mr. Organized, somehow merges all of our lists into one spreadsheet. We have four hundred and fifty people on our merged list. Phillip says, "Obviously, we need to make some cuts."

I say seriously, "We really need to think carefully about this list. I mean we don't wanna give STDs to just anyone, do we?"

And then I smile.

Mr. Mac says, "Awww, JJ, you made a little STD joke." And then he says, "Let me see this list." He scans through it. "Julie, if we haven't gotten a Christmas card from them in the last five years, you need to take them off the list." He rambles off about twenty-five names of people I've never heard of.

Mrs. Mac is starting to pout.

Phillip says, "Think of it this way, Mom, don't invite anyone you wouldn't want to spend the weekend with. You'll be shopping on the Plaza, eating dinner with them, looking at lights with them, dancing and drinking with them. Go through your list and mark who you really want there with you."

I look at Phillip's list. A long ass list of frat and football boys whose idea of a perfect night would include beer pong, beer bongs, keg stands, weed, and probably a few strippers. On a mellow night. Let's just say these boys like to party. "You might wanna do the same thing."

"Hmm, you might be right about that," he says.

After we went through that, BOOM, the list is done. I guess we can say the STD crisis is over.

Phillip must have told everyone to stop with the STD jokes because I have yet to get one today. But Danny, bless his heart, is still providing comic relief with his XXX wedding ideas.

Phillip walks in our office and says, "Hey, I have some free time. Let's talk about the wedding. I just finished my interview with Amy. She asked so many great questions!"

But the texts keep coming.

I can't help it. I send one back. I know so many blonde jokes.

Phillip grabs my phone from me and puts it in his desk drawer. "You are so easily distracted."

"Oh yeah, the wedding. Well, what do you want? What's important to you?"

He pulls me onto his lap. "Obviously, the most important part is that when it's over, you'll be my wife."

He kisses me for a bit.

Who's distracted now?

I go, "Ummm."

He stops kissing me and says, "Wedding, right. I told her I want good food. Good music. Good cake. A fun after party. A hot bride."

He starts kissing me again.

Seriously, this is why we get never get anything accomplished.

His secretary buzzes him over the intercom at some point and says, "Your appointment is here."

He stops kissing me. "Dang, I have to go."

I get my phone out of his drawer and see another text.

As we're walking through the church doors, Phillip grabs my hand and says, "Be nice."

I roll my eyes at him. "If he can't tell us anything that will make us be a better couple, why should I take it seriously?"

He stops and pulls me toward him. "Because it's our marriage, our life. I would hope you'd wanna take that seriously."

"Fine, I'll try to be good."

We sit in the stupid blue checkered chairs and watch Pastor John rub on his beard for a while.

I'm thinking ahead to another fun Taco Tuesday, when he says, "Another big issue in marriage is how much time you spend together."