TALES FROM WITCHWAY WOOD: Crash 'n' Bang (18 page)

‘Who is?’

‘Everyone. Well, mainly
The Gnomettes
. They’re laughing at my frock. I can’t say I blame them. Even
I
hate it. I know I should get a new one. But I don’t like shopping. It’s the mirrors in the changing rooms. They make me look awful.’

‘Aw, come on,’ said Filth. ‘You look OK.’

‘No, I don’t. You don’t have to pretend. I’m tall and hairy and nothing ever fits.
I
don’t fit. I shouldn’t have come. I’m a
Werewolf
. I don’t know what I’m even doing here.’

‘You’re here to sing,’ said Filth. ‘It’s all about the music, right?’

‘Well, yes, but –’

‘Forget the frock. Just do what you do. Walk out on that stage and
wow
’em.’

‘You really think so?’

‘For real.’ Filth held out his hand. ‘Come on. It’ll be fun.’

Shyly, Tallula reached down and took his hand and together they stepped out into the tent. Nobody noticed them. All eyes were currently on the latest arrival, who came bustling in armed with a clipboard, shouting ‘
Heeeeeere’s Benny!
’ just in case anyone was in doubt.

DJ Benny Bonkers was short, pink and wildly enthusiastic. He wore a romper suit with stars on and his spiky hair was dyed orange. When you looked at him, the word ‘overexcitable’ came to mind.

‘Right, boys and girls!’ bellowed DJ Benny Bonkers. ‘Let’s get this show on the road! Gather round and listen up. We kick off in ten minutes. I take the stage, whip the crowd into a frenzy, bring on the judges, all that. Then we’re off. Each band does one number only, no encores. You wait for the judges’ comments, then clear the stage ready for the next band. Any questions?’

‘What’s the running order?’ shouted one of the
Bully Girls
.

‘First up are the
Trolls
, followed by
The Gnomettes
, then
Betty and the Bully Girls
, then
Rodney and the Rattles
, and we finish up with
The Witchway Rhythm Boys
.’

There was some grumbling at this.
Rodney and the Rattles
were particularly vigorous with their complaints. Only the
Trolls
looked happy. Everyone wanted to go first, while the crowds were still fresh and enthusiastic. DJ Benny Bonkers explained that he had put all the band names into a hat and drawn them out at random, because that was the fairest way.

‘So we’re on last,’ said Arthur to TT. ‘Is that good, do you think?’

‘It’s
very
good,’ said TT. ‘The rubbish goes on first, leading up to the grand climax. That’s you.’

‘Yes, but what if people get bored and leave? We don’t have any fans of our own. I’ve just had a peek out front and there isn’t a single banner for us.’

‘But they haven’t
heard
you yet, have they? They’ve got that pleasure to come. And everyone will stay to the end to hear the result. Are you telling me you’re losing faith in Crash ’n’ Bang?’

‘Well, no, but –’

‘There you are then. You’ve got to think like a winner. Impressing the judges, that’s what matters. Stop fretting, Arthur. You’re letting the nerves get to you. Hey! It looks like someone’s come to fix the tea urn. I’m getting in the queue.’ And he bustled off.

Filth and Tallula wandered up to join Arthur.

‘Hey, man,’ said Filth. ‘Where’s O’Brian?’

‘Gone back to the van.’ Arthur gave a sigh. ‘I’m worried about him. He’s been acting very peculiar. I don’t think the letter from home helped.’

‘Yeah, right. Dude does seem to having a lot of bad luck. For a Leprechaun.’

‘Weird,’ said Arthur, shaking his head.

‘Listen,’ said Tallula. ‘I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but there’s something I think you should know . . .’

The Battle Begins

It was noon and the field was packed. The sun shone high in a cloudless blue sky, where seagulls swooped and wheeled and occasionally dropped little presents on people’s shoulders. In front of the stage was a roped-off area containing the judging table set on the plinth. The families, friends and supporters of the competing bands were cheerfully brandishing their banners of support. Somebody had started up a slow handclap, but it sounded quite cheerful. There were a lot of silly hats on show, because where else can you wear a silly hat but at a music festival?

There came a buzz of anticipation followed by a huge cheer as DJ Benny Bonkers whizzed onstage and grabbed the microphone.

‘Hello, Sludgehaven!’ shouted Benny.

‘Hello, Benny!’ roared the crowd.

‘That’s me! DJ Benny Bonkers, your host for the day. Ready for some action?’

‘Yeeeeeesssss!’

‘Have we got a great line-up for you! Five new bands, no less, all ready to battle it out to be the first to sign on with the hot new record label
Genie Sounds
. But first, let’s begin with a big Sludgehaven welcome for –
the judges
!’

The Vampire cameraman trained his camera on the glittering tent, the flap moved to one side – and there they were! The four famous celebrities. Well, let’s be honest here – the three famous celebrities plus the Mayor. Ali Pali led the way with Scott and Lulu walking behind, blowing kisses and waving to the cheering crowds. The Mayor hobbled at the rear, trying not to trip over his chain.

‘The one and only Ali Pali!’ bellowed Benny. ‘Mr Spello himself!’

Ali waved and beamed. He was popular with the crowd, most of whom owned spellovisions. If it wasn’t for him they would spend every night staring at a blank screen.

‘And a big hand for our Mystery Celebrities!’ announced Benny. ‘I give you Scott Sinister, star of stage and screen!’

‘Hooray!’ bellowed the fans of the
Killer Poodle
movies. Scott sucked his cheeks in and acknowledged the applause with a gracious nod.

‘Give it up for Luscious Lulu Lamarre, boys and girls!’

‘Hooray!’ came the enthusiastic response. Well, everyone loves a bit of glamour. Lulu simpered and pouted while cameras flashed and the Vampire cameraman moved in for a close-up. All the females in the audience took in the details of her evening gown and vowed to save up for the next ten years, then go out and buy one just like it.

‘And last but not lea— well, let’s give him a big hand anyway – the Mayor of Sludeghaven!’

Nobody cheered. Somebody shouted, ‘Tell him to sort the drains out!’ and there were a couple of boos, but apart from that, the Mayor was greeted by stony silence, which was a bit sad but there you go.

‘So,’ went on Benny, ‘while the judges take their seats, I’ll go ahead and introduce the first band. They’re mean, they’re keen and they’re hoping to make a BIG impression. All the way from – er –’ Benny consulted his clipboard – ‘Under A Bridge Somewhere – I give you
One Big Troll and Some Other Biggish Ones
!’

‘UH! UH! UH!’ went up the cry from the Troll fans in the audience. Being Trolls, they didn’t have banners with writing on, but most of them had brought a collection of stones to bang together to show their support, so they certainly made their presence felt.

DJ Benny scuttled off and
One Big Troll and Some Other Biggish Ones
lumbered onstage. Each carried a large rock under one arm and was swinging an iron club hammer. They stood in an uneven line and faced the audience. One Big Troll carefully adjusted the mike. Then they all raised their hammers and proceeded to thump the rocks. There was no attention to timing. They just thumped away, as and when they felt like it.
Clang! Bong! Dong!
It was music to Trollish ears, but to everyone else it just sounded like rocks being hammered.

‘Oh.’ At the judging table, Lulu paused in applying more lipstick and made a face. ‘A percussion band. How very boring.’

‘Nothing wrong with percussion,’ said Scott. Actually, there was a
lot
wrong with percussion the way the Trolls played it, but Scott had a game plan. He had decided that whatever Lulu said, he would say the opposite.

The Mayor reached for the water jug, then noticed that nobody had provided him with a glass. There wasn’t a cushion on his chair either, so his chin rested on the table.

The rock thumping went on for quite some time. Eventually, Benny Bonkers called a halt by marching onstage and grabbing the microphone. The Trolls clanged and bonged to a halt and stood panting heavily.

‘Well done, lads,’ said Benny. ‘That was a number entitled – er –’ he consulted his clipboard – ‘ “We Will Bang Some Rocks At You”. That’s a translation, of course. In Trollish, it’s known as “Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh”. Hope I pronounced that right?’ He raised an eyebrow at the perspiring Trolls, who all nodded and said, ‘UH.’

‘So,’ said Benny. ‘Over to our judges. Comments, please?’

‘Dreadful,’ said Lulu. ‘Complete and utter twaddle.’

‘Wonderful,’ said Scott. ‘Passion, commitment, it has it all.’

‘Ah,’ said Benny. ‘We have a slight disagreement. Mr Mayor?’

‘Well,’ said the Mayor. ‘As Mayor, I –’

‘Sorry, we’re pressed for time. Ali? Your thoughts?’

‘Interesting,’ said Ali. ‘Limited appeal, I suspect, but – interesting.’

‘Well, there you have it. All right, lads, you can get offstage. Moving on now to the next act. They’re pink, they’re pretty and they’re into ponds. Who could I be talking about but –
The Gnomettes
!’