Take Me With You (18 page)

“Can’t believe what?”

“How far you’ve come. Eric, when I found you last fall, the empty bottle of pills on the floor, I thought for sure I lost you. That our time together was over and I was going to say goodbye to you. I know I haven’t always been the best mom or even the strongest, but I never want to face this world without you in it. I don’t even want to imagine a world where you aren’t a part of it.”

We’ve never really talked about this before. We’ve glazed over it, her admitting that she felt like a failure, not seeing the signs in me before I came home that day and took her pills, but that’s as far as it’s gone. Hearing her tell me what losing me would mean, it hurts. I never want to make her feel like that ever again.

She thinks she’s been a bad mom, but the truth is, she’s been the best mom. No one could have done it any better than her.  It’s not like the doctor passed her an instruction manual when he diagnosed me. She had to learn the same way the rest of us do. By trying the only way she knew how.

“Mom, are you and Dad gonna split up?”

Way to go Eric, bring up the worst topic ever.

‘Why would you think that?”

“I’ve heard you guys fighting.”

The way her face sinks in, I can tell that she doesn’t like what I said. Knowing about them fighting, she doesn’t wanna know that because she thought that it was her secret. The thing with secrets though, they always find a way to come out in the end. She wasn’t going to be able to keep this from me forever.

“No; we’re not going to split up.”

‘Why not?”

“Because despite what you’ve heard, your father is a work in progress and I don’t like to walk away from a task until it’s complete.”

This is why she’s my mom and the only one that could ever be my mom. Her answer, it’s the exact one I needed to hear in order to understand. I’m not sure if she realizes it or not, but any other answer to this question wouldn’t have worked on me. This answer though, it makes everything crystal clear.

She’s exactly like me.

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“You gonna explain what you mean by that?”

“For always being honest with me, even when it would easier to lie. Accepting me even though I’m pretty sure this isn’t what you signed on for when you had me. For jumping in the car at six in the morning because I needed to do this before she wakes up. Never giving up on me when I’ve given up on myself. Mostly, thanks for being the best mom in the world.”

“Everything.” She says, her voice barely audible, what I’ve said getting to her a lot more than she thought it would.

“Every single thing, Mom.”

“Do me a favor would you?”

“Anything.”

“No matter how hard things get, how much the world and some of the people in it try and drag you down, break you…don’t let it. Don’t ever change.”

“Deal.”

Turning the key in the ignition, bringing the car to life, she throws me one final look before motioning with her head toward the house that we’re still sitting in front of.

“Let’s go home.”

Amelia

Waking up to the sound of my alarm after a few weeks of not having to worry about it at all, getting up whenever I felt like it or when the nightmares would leave me alone long enough to actually get some sleep, it feels like I’ve been transported back in time.

Groaning just like it’s any other day, I sit up in bed after hearing it go off for what feels like the hundredth time. Reaching across and hitting the power button, I throw myself back down onto the bed, wanting to enjoy a few more minutes of peace before I really do have to get up.

It’s too bad my mom doesn’t feel the same. I hear her call my name, even though I can tell by how muffled it sounds coming through the door that she’s doing it from downstairs. Unsure of why she’s calling up to me when she knows I’ve still got an hour before I have to be ready to leave, I slide from the bed slowly, stretching out completely the minute I’m on my feet.

Hearing my name again, I make my way downstairs as quickly as I can, not sure what’s going to be waiting for me when I reach the bottom, but more than a little eager to get her to stop calling out to me.

“What’s going on?” I ask once I find her in the living room. Looking beside her, I see the flowers first and moving closer, I see that underneath them, there’s two pieces of paper.

Did she really just wake me up because someone dropped off flowers for her?

“Care to explain this?” she asks and following her hand, I see she’s pointing at the very things I was just wondering about.

“I can’t because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“These were on the front step this morning. A note with your name underneath. It’s only when I brought them in that I saw the picture as well.”

I see her lips moving after the word picture, but I can’t make out a word of it because there’s only one person that would bring me a picture.

All of this, it’s from Eric.

Heart melting activated.

Moving over to the sofa and snatching up the papers first, holding them securely under my arm, I reach out for the flowers but not before my mom reaches out at the same time, her arm coming to rest on top of mine.

“What is going on, Amy?”

“Nothing. I dared Tim to send me flowers. I guess he did it.”

Not willing to give her anything more than that, I pick the flowers up, noticing the minute they’re in my hands that they’re a mixture of a bunch of different types, some that I don’t even know the name of. Turning away from her, I make my way back up the stairs until I’m safely back into my room with the door locked behind me.

There’s no way I want her interrupting now.

Placing the flowers down onto the bed, I slip the papers out from under my arm and seeing the sketch first, I put the note down with the flowers and give it my full attention.

It’s a sky, but not an ordinary one. It’s one that’s completely lit up by a bunch of lightning strikes. Running my fingers over each of the strikes, I feel the paper raised under my fingers and wonder how he managed to make that happen. It’s like this picture, it’s real. The lightning is literally popping off the page.

It’s the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen.

Not wanting to let it go, but wanting to read what he wrote me, I place it as gently as possible down onto the bed, even more carefully than I did with the flowers and I pick up the note.

Amelia

I thought that by now we would have had a storm so that what I told you that night at the movies, you’d be able to see what I meant. We haven’t, which means I’m going to draw one as best I can and hopefully make you see what I was trying to say.

If it works the way I want it to, the lightning is going to be raised on the paper. The reason I want it to do that is because I want you to know that what I’m about to say next is as real as the grooves and lifts in the paper. The same goes for the ripples on the page, the ones that mean thunder.

Lightning, when it happens, i
t lights up the sky. Every single strike can take the darkest sky and turn it bright in just a couple of seconds. Thunder, it’s so loud sometimes that it blocks out all other sound until all you can hear is it. If you look at the picture, you’ll see all of this.

You’re my perfect storm.

You’re the lightning that makes my sky brighter every single time we’re together and you’re thunder because whenever we’re together and you kiss me, laugh at my corny jokes or smile, it makes my heart beat so loud and so fast that it’s the only sound I can hear. It’s the only sound I want to hear.

Even though it’s not the real thing, I hope it’s enough to make things clear. You wanted to know. Now you know.

See you at school <3

PS: I never asked what your favorite flower was, so I just ordered one of each type they had. I hope your favorite is somewhere in there. I wanted you to wake up today to something as beautiful as you are.

PPS: Nothing will ever be as beautiful as you are.

I have no idea what I was so worried about last night. There’s no way after what I just read, what he’s shown me that this day can be anything other than perfect. He wouldn’t allow it to be and doing all of this for me, making sure I woke up to it just proves it.

If I wasn’t sure of it before, I am now.

I’m falling in love with Eric Carmen.

Chapter Nineteen

Eric

The first thing I notice when we get home is the butterfly shelter. It’s different now.

It had taken a little longer than usual, which makes me think that the type of butterflies that I’m gonna have are different than I originally figured, but it’s finally happening. The first butterfly has emerged from its chrysalis which means it won’t be long now before the others do it too.

When I asked Amelia to come back to the bluffs with me to release them, I thought it would be ten days at most, but it’s been a little longer than that. She probably doesn’t even remember me asking her now, so when I get to school today and see her, I’ve gotta remind her.

I want to do this with her. In fact, out of all the things we could do together, this is the most important. We could have everything else stripped away but as long as this remains, then I’m happy.

In elementary school, we always had the choice of picking out library books and one time, without really thinking, I ended up picking up a book about butterflies and their life cycle. I wasn’t really into technical reading then, enjoying fictional stories more than ones that taught me things, but now, I’m really glad I picked up that book.

I learned a whole lot more than just their life cycles and how to take care of them. I also learned what they mean. They’re more than just an insect or something beautiful to watch on a warm summer day. To some, they have a deeper meaning and it’s that meaning that makes releasing them with Amelia so important.

It’s a spirit animal and it’s a symbol for personal growth, transformation and for some, a total rebirth. With all the changes we’ve both been going through, the butterfly means even more than the phoenix.

What my mom said in the car earlier, it’s true. I have come a long way. I’ve been going through the motions, struggling to get by for so long that I never thought it would ever change. I’d given up hope. It’s half the reason the incident last fall happened at all. I had no hope, nothing to look forward to so I’d reached what I thought was my end.

I really believed at the time that everyone would be better off without me. My parents would stop fighting because my dad wouldn’t have to deal with having a less than perfect son and my mom wouldn’t have the stress of taking care of me.

Belle would be better off because it would be one less of us around that she had to worry about. She doesn’t think I know, but she always cared more about the rest of us in class then she did herself. She wanted people to change their opinions of people with special needs so when she left high school behind, the people that were still there would have an easier time than she did.

Doing away with myself was just better for everyone involved, including me.

I’m glad my mom found me before that could happen because I know it was wrong. Amelia didn’t make me see that, it’s something I learned on my own, but it was helped along by her. Spending time with her, the world around me just seemed brighter. Not quite as dark as I’d been seeing it since my diagnosis. It’s the reason why I called her my perfect storm.

She gave me the light back, proved to me that everything isn’t as black and white as it first appears and even the worst things can be turned around and changed.

She’s a butterfly, which means that when the others finally break free, we’re going back to the bluffs and we’re releasing them and everything we’ve both been holding onto for years back out into the world, freeing us in the process.

The way it should be.

Orchid.

She’s texting me her favorite flower which means she’s awake and got the present I left on her front step. Focusing on my breathing, the excitement at knowing she got it and the urge to ask her about it instantaneous, I attempt to calmly text her back.

Was there one in the bunch?

Yes. Two of them.

Thank god. She has no idea how happy that makes me. I’m actually thankful that she doesn’t. My level of happiness right now, it’s crazy and would probably freak her out.

We’re the perfect storm.

When the text pops up my screen, I’m not expecting it. We’re usually so back and forth when we talk that I wasn’t expecting to get another one until I’d written one first, but seeing it, what she wrote and what it means, I’m glad I didn’t text back because if I had, I’m not sure she would have said this.

YOU are the perfect storm.

LOL No, WE are.

Why?

Easy. We’re the result of two forces colliding into one violent weather related disturbance in the atmosphere. If I’m the lightning and thunder, you’re the rain.

I’m her rain. So, I make her wet?

No. I can’t believe I even thought that. It’s a really good thing she’s not telling me this face to face right now. I would have blurted that out and it’s wrong. So wrong.

What does the rain mean to you?

The rain is like the water. It cleanses you. Do you remember what you said about the phoenix a couple weeks ago?

Of course I remembered. I wrote everything out to her on the sketch and I can still remember it word for word. It’s burned into my brain, just the way I want it to be. I never wanna forget a word that I’ve said or written to her.

Yeah.

Right. So when it’s reborn, everything in the past is washed away and it has a chance to start over. You’re the rain, Eric.

When I wrote the note on the picture weeks ago, the last thing I expected is that she would search out more information about it or even take my words and turn them into something that fit for her. I know I did that, but I never imagined that she would. She just didn’t seem the type.

I was so completely wrong about her.

Not only did she take what I told her and expand on it, she turned it around so that now, just the way she means something to me, I mean something to her. We really are what she said a few minutes ago.

Together we’re individual pieces, but when we’re together, we really are a force and not just any force.

The strongest one.

Amelia

Rain is messy.

There’s something about what he says that reminds me of something and as much as I want to respond back right now, I can’t until I figure out what it is.

I know it’s something he’s said or written before, but it’s aggravating that I can’t remember exactly what was said or where. Leaning across the bed, I pull the drawer open and just like I did the night before when I was looking for his sketch of me, I pull out every single thing he’s ever given me, placing them all out in front of me until they are all I can see.

Picking up the letter he wrote me, scanning over it with my eyes, I find exactly what I’m looking for.

His reaction to the rain, it’s here in his letter. I knew there was a reason it reminded me of something. I’m just glad it didn’t take me long to find it.

Water is the worst for me. When its running over my skin the way it
does when you’re in the shower or caught in a rainstorm, it feels like a million bugs have been released all over me and right on first contact, I start to crack, break down, completely unable to handle it. The stuff I mentioned above, I do all of it and it takes hours afterward to be okay again. Even. Steady.

Sometimes the messiest things are the most beautiful.

It’s a play on his own words to me after the movie a week ago, but I don’t care. It was true then even if I didn’t see at it at the time and it’s true now.

My mom’s taking me to school now. Can you meet me?

I want to talk to you before things get crazy.

I miss you.

Miss kissing you too.

Text after text comes through and each one makes me smile a little more than the last. The only one that worries me is the one he sent after asking me to meet him. What does he mean before things get crazy? What is he expecting to happen today?

He’s expecting things to be the way they always are, obviously.

Could that be what it is? Is he worried that because I’m back at school now that things are just going to go back to the way they’ve always been and everything that happened between us is going to end?

I can’t let him think that. I don’t want anything to change because I’m coming back. I meant what I said to him. It’s a chance for everything to be different. I mean it even more because I promised myself that Amy wouldn’t be coming back.

Only Amelia.

I’ll see you there in twenty minutes. I miss you too. <3

The transformation is complete now. I’ve somehow managed to not use emoticons the entire time we’ve been texting back and forth since the day he gave me his number, but now I’m doing it. Hearts and all, exactly the way he did with the note he wrote me.

I’m more of a girl now than I ever was before, but only for him.

Eric

Going out in public, being together at the movies and even the walks we took around the town while we waited to get into our appointments last week, it should be enough to erase this awkward feeling inside me, but it’s not.

Nothing bad ever happened to me at the movie theatre. I wasn’t slammed up against a popcorn machine or even worse, trapped in the bathroom there and beaten down by a bunch of guys that had a whole lot of anger for no reason. I didn’t get yanked from the middle of street while I was walking and taken somewhere and hurt.

That’s only happened at school.

As much as I want to believe things are different and that I have nothing to worry about with Amy coming back, all I can do is worry, even with everything she’s texted me this morning. Thinking about it is making me pretty shaky and it almost feels like the last month of my life hasn’t happened at all.

I’m right back where I was then, the same outcast, waste of space and general piece of garbage that means nothing to anyone.

That’s not true of course, but that’s what meeting with her this morning is about. I need to tell her how I’m feeling, what Kayden and Dillon said to me and then we need to decide the way things are going to go from there.

She’s my girlfriend so of course I want her to say that she doesn’t care what Tim and the others are going to think, she’s going to spend all of her free time sitting with me, the way we have been for weeks now, but I also have to prepare myself for the inevitable. She’ll come back and walk right back into her old position here.

Queen of the popular kids. Queen of the entire school.

I don’t want to keep her a secret anymore, it’s felt like that for long enough. I want to be able to tell Belle and the others about her, how I feel and have her hang out with us, all of them getting to know the real her. For everything to just be as perfect as it’s been since the first day we talked, but nothing has worked out for me this far, so I’m doubtful that I’ll get my wish this time either.

The minute she texted me back, telling me that she was leaving, I did the same thing. I jumped in the car with my mom and she dropped me off in the parking lot so I could make my way around to the back and the bleachers where anytime now, I’m gonna see her again.

I hate feeling torn like this. I jump back and forth every other second. One minute I’m happy and amazed that I get to call this girl mine and then it’s me feeling out of sorts and sick to my stomach with worry that what I’ve felt over the last month is about to go up in flames.

High school sucks.

“Hey.”

She’s here.

Taking a deep breath, settling my pounding my heart, I look up and smile.

“Hey.”

“So,” she says, coming around and sitting beside me, sliding her fingers into mine the minute she makes contact with the bleachers. “Why did you want to meet here?”

“A few reasons.”

“Okay. What’s the first one?”

“I wanted to do this.” I say, turning into her, running my hand across her face, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers softly. Once I’m surrounded by not only the tingle that I’ve come to enjoy but the in
toxicating smell of her bubble gum flavor, I pull back. My cheeks are flushed, overheated and I’m sure with the way my lips are lifted, I’m wearing the world’s goofiest half smile. The one I always wear after I’ve kissed her.

“And what’s next?”

“We’re already doing the other thing I wanted.” I motion down to our hands, the connection we’re sharing. “I missed this. You.”

“I’m pretty sure I missed you more.” She laughs softly and unable to resist I bend into her again, this time kissing her forehead before moving down and doing the same to her nose.

“The real reason I wanted you here is because something happened a while ago and I didn’t tell you. With you coming back today, I think maybe we need to talk about it.”

“What happened?”

She’s concerned now, I can see it in her eyes. She’s not concerned for her reputation or any other selfish reason though, squeezing her hand as it’s locked in mine, she’s letting me know that she’s worried about me.

“Kayden and Dillon.”