Stuff White People Like (12 page)

53 Dogs

A lot of cultures love dogs, be they for entertainment, labor, or food. But white people love dogs on an entirely different level.

It should be understood that in white culture, dogs are considered training for having children. All white couples must get a dog before having kids. This will prepare them for responsibility by having another creature to feed, love, and toilet train. Because of this, white people generally assume that their dog is their favorite child unless otherwise stated.

When actual children are born, the dog is not displaced but rather remains as the most important member of the household. This is because of the fact that white children will eventually hate their parents, but dogs will love anyone who feeds them.

White people generally believe that dogs have human emotions and that they are capable of loving certain TV shows, films, and music. “Buster just loves watching
Six Feet Under
!”—even though most dogs would enjoy watching Hitler if they got attention every time he was on TV. They also believe that their dogs share similar tastes in food—“Little Ben Kweller likes the organic food the best”—forgetting the fact that dogs enjoy eating their own feces, as well as pretty much anything that falls onto the floor.

When searching for homes, many white people will require large yards so that their “dog can run around.” If you work in real estate, this can be exploited for large markups when selling to white people.

It is also a proven fact that dogs are often used by white people to attract members of the opposite sex. Bringing a puppy or dog to a local dog park will encourage interaction and conversation. Even more so than a Mac laptop.

If white people talk about their dogs it is essential you reassure them that their dogs are absolutely special and unique. Furiously agree that treating dogs like children is the only way to care for a pet. Under no circumstances should you
ever
say anything that is derogatory toward dogs, critical of spoiling dogs, or implies that dogs are not full members of society who deserve the same rights as humans. Doing any of these three things will completely destroy your relationships.

54 Kitchen Gadgets

White people are under a lot of pressure to enjoy cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have nice kitchens and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food. Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchens in order to live up to expectations.

If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press, and a blender. There will also be hand-powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.

But in order to truly enter into whitedom they need to own the holy grail of white kitchens—the KitchenAid stand mixer. They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.

Kitchen gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find products for any possible kitchen task. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should mention the beautiful food that you hope you can eat together one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gangbusters.

If you find yourself locked in a conversation about kitchen gadgets, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention, “I find the consumer models to be poorly built, but my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is high quality. It’s where I get all my pans.”

If this is too big a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these terms: Le Creuset, Calphalon, All-Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur le Table. White people go so nuts when they hear these words. You won’t even have to finish your sentence.

55 Apologies

White people know that their ancestors did some messed-up things. As a result, it has become hardwired for them to apologize for almost anything.

In fact, white people are so used to apologizing that they start all sentences that might cause disagreement with “I’m sorry.” For example, “I’m sorry, but
Garden State
was a better film than
Hard Eight.
” In other cases, white people will apologize without being asked.

“Excuse me, Dylan. You dropped a piece of paper in front of my desk.”

“Oh, sorry about that!”

It’s just that easy! Just point it out and they’ll apologize.

Sometimes if you are out late at night and a white person irritates someone at a nightclub or a bar, the first thing they will do is apologize in rapid-fire mode in hopes it will stop them from getting their ass kicked. This technique has a surprisingly high success rate, as the aggressor immediately knows that fighting this person will be very easy and provide little satisfaction.

56 Lawyers

To understand why so many white people become lawyers, it is essential to understand the story and conflict behind every decision to enter law school.

When white people reach the final year of their arts degree they are faced with a horrible realization: their degree is worthless. This realization is especially harsh since most white people have spent the previous three years assuming that they would be immediately offered a six-figure job as a travel writer or film executive upon graduation. They soon realize that there are thousands of other white people moving to San Francisco and New York searching for work in publishing, other media, and the nonprofit sector.

As if this wasn’t enough of an insult, white people also learn that the salaries in these fields are not enough to support a white lifestyle. Organic food, trips to India, Priuses, microbrews, modern furniture, and condominiums are all very expensive and very essential to white people.

Without a trust fund, many white people are forced to figure out how they can somehow take their lemon of a degree and turn it into highly profitable lemonade. It does not take very long before they realize that law school is the answer to all their problems.

By attending law school, white people are able to make six figures without having to do math. They can also spend three more years in school and eventually move to a city of their choosing, where they will be greeted with a job and a standing invitation to drink with colleagues at a bar.

The latter is especially important, since TV and film have created a common white fantasy of being a lawyer, working late, then meeting friends at a bar where men have loosened their ties and women have opened a few buttons on their shirts. After drinking, they return home to a loft or modern condo, where they pour another drink before falling asleep.

Of course, this fantasy and career path only describes white people who are looking for respect, profit, and upward social mobility. They are regarded as some of the top people in white culture, but they can be trumped. If you are talking to a group of white people who are in or are planning to go to law school, it is important that you say, “I’m going to law school but I don’t want to be a lawyer.”

Not only does this prove that they are smart enough to go to law school, but it shows that they are motivated by more than just the crass pursuit of money. If you can follow it up by saying you plan to use your degree to help artists or poor people, you win.

57 Documentaries

It is a confirmed fact that white people make up the overwhelming majority of both documentary film makers
and
viewers. They just can’t get enough!

Within white culture the words “documentary filmmaker” are code for “unemployed.” With few deadlines and virtually no budget pressures, documentary filmmakers are able to spend upwards of eight years working on a film. When a white person lists this as their profession, you should never ask when the film is coming out, as it’s considered poor taste to put pressure on them.

As viewers, white people like to watch these films because it helps them to get a basic grasp on a complex issue in an hour or two.

After watching a political documentary, white people often feel as though they have learned enough to begin teaching others about what they saw in the film. Perhaps you noticed the increase in health-care policy scholars in 2007, or American foreign-policy experts in 2004, or gun-control pundits in 2002.

These are all references to white hero Michael Moore, the filmmaker who has produced a body of work responsible for reaffirming things that white people already believe in. Generally, white people get very excited about documentaries that will confirm they are right. Sadly, Moore’s ability to actually change the way people think has been marginal.

Sometimes white people will watch a documentary to learn about a new subject; these are called “foreign documentaries” and are an important part of white discourse. In fact, they are second only to celebrity endorsement in terms of creating white passion around a subject.