Stuff White People Like (30 page)

But the most important reason white parents are tripping over themselves for foreign babies is that they know it’s their last chance to adopt another culture. When they chose to marry another white person, they gave up their opportunity to marry someone from a different race and culture. This essentially robbed them of their opportunity to learn a new language, a new cuisine, and a new wardrobe, and an excuse to repeatedly travel to a foreign country to “recharge.” But a foreign child puts all of this right back into play!

White parents know that their role is not to merely assimilate the child and fool him or her into thinking that they are blood relatives. Instead, they must raise the child to be aware of his or her heritage and unique culture. For white parents this means new music! Language classes! Cooking classes! And at least a yearly trip to the child’s homeland, with which the parents have formed a deep bond.

At dinner parties, playgrounds, and school functions the parents can now be experts on Vietnam or China or Sierra Leone. No amount of travel can compare to the expertise acquired by raising a child. Not even study abroad can trump this one.

If a white couple has adopted a child from your homeland, be prepared to have your culture thrown back at you with the force of a hurricane. In this situation it is advisable that you tell the parents what a great job they are doing keeping the child connected to his or her heritage. For extra credit, say that the child is more [insert country] than you were growing up. You will instantly jump to the top of any friend list.

The important thing to remember when you see a white couple with a foreign child is to ask about the country the child came from. They will have a very long and likely tragic story that should always end with you saying, “And now he/she is here with you. It’s amazing how the world works itself out.” Saying this means that you can count on the couple to give you a kidney if you should ever need one.

134 LEED Certification

Labels are important to white people. Organic labels on food help them determine what to eat, T-shirts are like body labels that help them determine who to date, Apple labels help them buy electronics, the McSweeney’s label helps them determine what to read, and indie labels help to ensure quality in music. But what about buildings? How do you know if the building you are in has been made according to the exacting standards that you apply to your coffee? Thankfully, LEED has stepped in to help make sure that white people can even make their buildings feel superior.

LEED stands for Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design, which has emerged as the preeminent organization for setting energy and environmental standards for architecture and building construction. Architects who plan on serving a mostly white market can become LEED-accredited and immediately start selling themselves as environmental architects. LEED architect is probably the most respected job (excluding any kind of artist) that a white person can have.

Buildings can also be retrofitted with changes to become LEED-certified, which essentially means that they are acceptable for white people to enter.

It is important to familiarize yourself with LEED standards so that if you are ever invited to a vegetarian’s house for dinner and they start bugging you about the environmental impact of eating meat, you can ask them if their place is LEED-certified. “Oh, it’s not? I would say those in a glass house shouldn’t cast stones, but I think a glass house would be more energy efficient than this one.”

135 Expensive Strollers

To help prepare their children for a lifetime of driving expensive cars, white parents like to make sure that they are pushed around in the most expensive of European strollers. Though it could also be said that the lack of European luxury hybrids has forced white parents into using those funds to purchase the most expensive possible alternative-energy vehicle. The energy is considered alternative since it comes from a nanny.

It is simply understood that strollers start at $800, and it is not wise to question this. In fact, it has been shown that white children who are pushed around in substandard strollers often grow up to be only marginally gifted.

The best thing you can do is to wait until a white person has had their second child. Find out when they are likely to stop needing the stroller and plan your first child around this event. A free stroller is a free stroller.

136 Singer-Songwriters

White people enjoy a variety of music, ranging from indie rock all the way to underground hip-hop, but of all musical performers, the top-ranked are usually singer-songwriters.

Singer-songwriters generally fall into two categories: guy with acoustic guitar or girl on piano. Sometimes there are exceptions, like Ani DiFranco (girl/guitar) or Rufus Wainwright (guy/piano), who are both very acceptable to white people and are safe to list as your favorite musician.

For the most part, singer-songwriters perform their own songs, which reflect their life experiences and observations on modern life in New York City, Portland, or San Francisco. White people enjoy hearing about others who have gone through problems similar to theirs and like to try to match them to their own lives. For example, when a white person leaves for college, they like to listen to a song that talks about leaving something behind or is equally applicable to the situation. In this case “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes would be applicable, since it can be interpreted as the first day of college being like the first day of real life. This is also very common during difficult breakups.

WARNING: If you ever make a mix for someone, be careful not to put any songs by a singer-songwriter on there, because the recipient will attempt to interpret the lyrics in an effort to uncover your true feelings. Then things will get weird. Best to stick with the Kinks.

137 Eating Outside

It is a rule in white culture that if something is done outside, it is vastly improved. Reading, working, and holding a philosophy class are activities that are significantly improved by being done outside. But nothing sees a more significant boost in enjoyment by venturing outdoors than eating.

Picnics and cookouts have been a staple of white culture for years. When these activities involve groups, they essentially function as an outdoor dinner party offering a whole new set of things to judge, like patio furniture, themed alcohol, and quality of food.

But nothing excites white people more than restaurant patios. Of course, there are many different types of outdoor dining options, and it’s important to be aware of the major differences. For breakfast and lunch, white people generally embrace the sidewalk café. This enables them to enjoy the day, show off to passersby, and, even if only for a minute, pretend they are in Europe. Few better things can be said in one of these situations than “This reminds me of a delightful place I used to go to in France.”

When day turns to night, the cafés are replaced by patios. White people will base their entire evening around trying to figure out which bar has the best patio scene. In fact, after ’80s night, there may be no better white activity than drinking in an outdoor bar.

However, as much as white people love being outside, they also hate slight discomfort. So when eating in a café make sure that the white person you are with has appropriate levels of shade. If the sun moves significantly during the course of your meal they will likely ask to leave. It is not a good idea to say, “If you like shade so much, there’s this entire place called ‘inside’ that has nothing but shade.” Later at night, you might notice steel obelisks that sort of look like little umbrellas; these are propane heaters. They allow white people to enjoy the temperature control of an indoor environment without the heating and energy efficiency traditionally associated with being inside. Again, it is not a good idea to question why white people do this.

138 Books

The role of books in white culture is perhaps as important as organic food—essential for survival. However, understand that this is not about literacy or reading, but about the physical object of a book.

Try this out as an experiment. Show a white person a photo of a living room that features an entire wall of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. They are guaranteed to respond by saying how much they would love that for their own home and that they are planning on having a living room just like that in the future.

This is because white people need to show off the books that they have read. Just as hunters will mount the heads of their kills, white people need to let people know that they have made their way through hundreds or even thousands of books. After all, what’s the point of reading a book if people don’t know you’ve read it? It’s like a tree falling in the forest.

As much as white people do not want you rifling through their medicine cabinet, they are desperate for you to examine their bookshelves. When scanning through the rows of books, the best things you can say are “You made it through
Infinite Jest
? Wow” or “I didn’t know you loved Joyce so much.” If your intentions are to grow your friendship either romantically or platonically, there is no better technique than to ask to borrow one of the books.