Stuff White People Like (33 page)

After white people have found a good dive bar they begin to operate much like parasites. Soon they bring some friends, who bring some friends, who bring some friends, and eventually the sleepy bar that served Miller Lite on tap now stocks Stella and is packed with people wearing scarves and glasses and complaining about how much they hate nightclubs.

By now, all of the original locals have moved on from both the bar and the neighborhood. If all goes according to plan, a few locals will remain and the original white person to discover the bar will feel proud to complain that this once great bar has changed for the worse.

If you are one of the remaining locals, there are some great opportunities for you to help compensate for the loss of your bar. First, that original white person will always buy you a drink if you ask for one to toast “the good old days.” But don’t think the gravy train stops there. The new white people in the bar will be desperate to distance themselves from their friends and prove that they are local, and there is no better way to do this than to befriend you. Once you know their names, just say hi anytime they enter the bar and you will drink for free for as long as you like.

149 Self-Importance

Implied but not stated in virtually every entry here is the notion of self-importance. Magically, over the past half century white people have been able to mask much of this self-importance through the arts, charities, nonprofit organizations, nongovernmental organizations, and childbirth.

The life of every white person is worthy of a memoir. Being born into a middle-class existence, having some difficult experiences in college, and taking a year off to teach in Asia/work in the Peace Corps/volunteer with Teach for America are all life stories realized only by a select few. Unfortunately, the publishing industry can only put out so many books each year and white people have had to turn to an alternative means: blogging.

Due to an undying need to share their life story with everyone who will listen, white people have taken to blogging in massive numbers, though it is no surprise that many have simply turned their journals/diaries into blogs where they talk about the latest episode of
American Idol,
Darfur, their experience at a coffee shop, and their concerns about the future. These were to be expected.

What has been less expected is the need for white people to document in blog format any experience that takes more than a week. Pregnancy, vacations to Asia and South America, renovations, child rearing, and car restoration have all become blogs that encourage the rest of the world to take notice of the astute observations and talent of the undiscovered writer.

When a white person shares their URL with you, do not say, “Do I have to read this now?” Instead, you should say, “I’d love to check it out,” quickly read one post near the middle of the blog, and return to the white person, saying, “Oh man, I saw that post on [insert topic]. It was great. I forwarded it to all my friends.” Doing this shows that you believe their life to be important and their presentation of that life to be worth your time. Sadly, the temporary boost in self-esteem for the white person is the only benefit to be gained from the blog and your interaction with it.

150 Rock Climbing

For much of human history, when a human being saw a mountain in front of them, their reaction was “Damn, I wish this mountain wasn’t here, why can’t someone just blow a hole through this?” One day, after many roads and tunnels had been constructed, a white person thought to himself, “You know what? I’m going to climb this, look around, then climb back down. The view from the top will be worth risking my life.” And rock climbing was born.

Though the entire activity can be made pointless with the introduction of an extremely long ladder, white people love rock climbing almost more than they love camping. This is because the activity affords them the opportunity to be outside, to use a carabiner for something other than their keys, and to purchase a whole new set of expensive activity-specific clothing and accessories.

The appeal of the sport has grown in recent years as cities and college campuses have opened indoor rock-climbing facilities. Now urban white people can experience all the thrill of climbing up something, looking around, and then climbing back down without having to take a long drive—which is the only goal of rock climbing. There is no gold at the top of the mountain, no secret lair, not even a snack bar. The only reward is self-satisfaction and the opportunity to say, “Dude, crazy weekend. We did the summit of [insert mountain], it was intense. Me and a few buddies are planning a trip to Peru to climb.”

Exploiting a person who is into rock climbing is not very difficult. Simply praise them for their tremendous skill and drop a hint that you would be willing to house-sit the next time they go climbing. (Note: House-sitting is the activity of living in a white person’s house when they are away. It is a good opportunity to eat their food and make a few extra dollars.)

But how can you tell if a white person is into rock climbing? It’s easy! Talk to them for ten minutes. White people who like rock climbing love to tell people about how they like to go “climbing” on the weekend and would like nothing more than for you to join them or at least enroll in a rock-climbing class. Do not accept.

How White Are You?

Check off everything that you like. When you’re finished, count everything up and determine your whiteness percentage.

 
1 Coffee

 
2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To

 
3 Film Festivals

 
4 Assists

 
5 Farmer’s Markets

 
6 Organic Food