Stuff White People Like (16 page)

In a few years, if more white people start moving in, these initial trailblazers will sell their property for triple what they paid and move into an ultramodern home. Credibility or money; either way, they can’t lose!

When one of these white people tells you where they live, you should say, “Whoa, it’s pretty rough down there. I don’t think I could live there.” This will make them feel even better about their credibility and status as neighborhood pioneers.

74 Oscar Parties

One of the best places to gain a white person’s trust is at an Oscar party. An invitation to one of these parties is your “foot in the door.”

It is absolutely essential that you prepare in advance for the party. As you should know by now, white parties are never just about “showing up and having fun.” They require planning, preparation, and (in the case of the best parties) costume preparation. The first step for succeeding at an Oscar party is to get your language in order. You should
never
say “movie,” always say “film.” You should also familiarize yourself with which categories use the term “Best” and which use “Outstanding Achievement in.” Saying something like “I hope
Atonement
wins Best Art Direction” is a good way to guarantee you won’t be invited next year.

We briefly touched on the importance of costumes, which can take a good white party and make it great. Oscar parties are no exception, and if you are invited to a party with a dress code, it is imperative that you arrive in costume or you’ll make everyone else feel like a jerk.

Choosing a costume is fairly simple. It is always best to dress as a character from a nominated film. So for the 2008 Oscar party it might be best to put a pillow under your shirt and come as a pregnant teenager in tribute to
Juno
(but by no means should anyone bring an actual pregnant teenager). Dressing up as a character from a previous Oscar-winning film is also acceptable but seen as slightly less fun.

Though it may not have been stated on the invitation, white people love to apply their party theme to the entire event, including food. Even if they have no plans for themed food, you cannot lose by bringing something that ties into the ceremony. Again using
Juno
as an example, if you were to come to the party with jugs of SunnyD, it would highlight your keen observation of detail when it comes to watching films. Then the white people will see that you watch films the same way they do. Also be prepared to be involved in an Oscar pool, but make sure you don’t win. If you do, just say that you were lucky.

However, all of this preparation will mean nothing if you do not act correctly during the most important part of the night: when the nominees are read for Best Foreign Film. At this point someone will get angry and state that some movie that no one has heard of was snubbed. When this happens just nod and agree. Mention that it sounds interesting and that you will watch it tomorrow, even if you have already seen it and know that it’s boring.

Basically what separates Oscar night from other party nights is that it allows white people to express themselves through their tastes in film. If they see that you are someone who agrees with a majority of their opinions, then they will be your friends and provide you with ample opportunities to sip wine and attend film festivals together.

75 Threatening to Move to Canada

White people often get frustrated with the state of their country. They do not like the president, or Congress, or the health-care system, or the illegal status of marijuana. Whenever they are presented with a situation that seems unreasonable to them, their first instinct is to threaten to move to Canada.

For example, if you are watching TV with white people and there is a piece on the news that they do not agree with, they are likely to declare, “OK, that’s it, I’m moving to Canada.”

Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs is so strong that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly different from the one they live in now. Within white culture, it is agreed upon that if Canada had better weather it would be a perfect place.

Be aware that this information can be used quite easily to gain the trust of white people. Whenever they say, “I’m moving to Canada,” you must immediately respond with “I have relatives in Canada.” They will then expect you to tell them about how Canada has a perfect health-care system, legalized everything, and no crime. Though not true, it will reassure them that they are making the right choice by saying they want to move there. But be warned, they will refer to you in future conversations and possibly call on you to settle disputes about Canadian tax rates. So use this advice only if you plan to do some basic research.

Note: Canadian white people threaten to move to Europe.

Note: Europeans are unable to threaten to move anywhere.

76 Bottles of Water

Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put a glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not that simple for white people. On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the City of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was actually possible to drink the water that comes out of the tap!

Up until that point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles of Fiji or Evian. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.

Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all the waste that comes with drinking 15 to 20 bottles per week.

Nowadays more advanced white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottles. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.

Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, but recent studies have shown that the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with twist caps. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible. Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh, bottled water? Really? I mean, it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the Earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water you have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it Aboriginal Blood but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”

Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.

Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided you do not tell everyone they got their bottle after seeing yours.

77 Musical Comedy

One of the more interesting things about white people is that they love singing comedians.

This style of humor involves a person or group singing a song, but instead of being serious, the song has funny lyrics. It’s not any more complicated than that, yet white people can’t get enough of it. Weird Al Yankovic, Tenacious D, Sarah Silverman (sometimes), Flight of the Conchords, Dennis Leary, and Adam Sandler are all excellent examples of the genre.