Stricken (The War Scrolls Book 1) (19 page)

“I love you,” she whispered, realizing for the first time that it was true. She’d fallen for the warrior who’d pledged his sword to her. When or how, she didn’t know, but she felt it now, burning bright and hot like the sun.

He glanced over his shoulder at her, his expression blank, stoic. “You should try to sleep a little longer. I’ll come get you when they’re ready to leave.” He stepped outside, not even acknowledging what she’d said.

The door closed behind him.

Aubrey collapsed onto the bed, tears dripping down her face.

Killian would rather let their bond kill him than risk her safety.

She hadn’t understood what he’d meant when he said the Fallen loved differently than humans, but she understood now. For the first time since Jason had revealed what her father had done so many years ago, she began to understand why he’d done it.

Love was a powerful motivator. More powerful than she’d ever realized.

***

Killian closed the door behind him as gently as he could, her words reverberating in his mind. “I love you too,” he whispered to the morning, clenching his fists to keep himself from punching a hole in the wall or opening the door and going back to her.

He hadn’t let himself consider that she might ever say those words to him. That she might ever feel that for him. He wasn’t even sure if she meant it or if she’d simply said it for his sake, a last-ditch effort to keep him from following through on what he had to do. But hearing her say it—whatever her reason had been—was Heaven and Hell at once.

Heaven that she’d said it. Hell that she might actually mean it.

“Fuck,” he muttered violently, raising his hand to pound on his brothers’ door.

Abriel opened it, his expression grim.

Take her t
—

“Don’t,” Killian warned before he could even finish the thought. “I’m not taking her before the Dominion.”

“It was a wayward thought,” Abriel lied.

“Why not take her to them?” Dom demanded as Abriel moved aside to let Killian in. He jerked a T-shirt over his head. “She’s your mate. Surely they can’t kill her if they know that.”

“If she was your mate, would you risk her life on the hope that the Dominion decided to show a little compassion for a Halfling for once? Especially one who mated with a human when a vast majority of the Fallen still alive will never have that bond with anyone?”

“You might not have a choice,” Abriel answered, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He speaks the truth,” Dom said, patting at his hair. “At least the Dominion can keep her safe from the Nephilim looking for her.”

“Yes, right up until they kill her,” Killian snapped, gritting his teeth. There was no way he would risk her safety on the hope that the Dominion would have a little compassion for him for once. “I’m taking her to Utah.”

“That’s a risky trip,” Abriel said, snagging his bag from the floor to pack up his things.

“I know,” he answered as calmly as he could, sinking down into a chair. It
was
a risk to try to take her that far alone, especially now, but it was also the best solution he had. She had no ties to the area, leaving no reason for the Nephilim to send anyone there to find her. And the last Elioud shifter in the state had died weeks ago as far as they were aware. There was no one there to spread the virus. If she stayed there until this was over, maybe she’d survive.

And quite honestly…he didn’t know what else to do. He couldn’t leave her as long as she was in danger, but the clock was ticking. All he could do was try to hold out long enough to make sure she would be safe when he was gone.

If he couldn’t, he wanted her as far away from the infected as he could get her.

“What about her brother’s friends?” Dom asked, shoving his own clothing into his bag without even bothering to fold them.

“What about them?”

“Are they going to let her go?” He finished packing and zipped the duffle with a self-satisfied nod. “If they believe the Nephilim are doing this to get back at the Fallen, I’d rather not have them turn on you as soon as they find out you’re taking her away.”

“They won’t be an issue.”

Jason was smart. He knew Aubrey didn’t need to be in this area. He might not like her involvement with the Fallen, but Killian was confident Jason wouldn’t try to stop her from leaving with him. The Elioud had promised Aaron that they would protect her, and at this point, Killian was her best bet. Her friends didn’t have to like him to know it was true.

“Are you sure?” Dom asked. “We can always catch a flight from Utah.”

“No, we can’t,” Abriel answered for Killian, zipping his own bag. “We’ve got to steal the hard drives from the lab and go. Finding the Nephilim responsible for this can’t wait. They’ve had the virus for three years now. If anyone has a cure, it’s them.”

Killian nodded his agreement, having worked that out for himself hours ago. Even if the Nephilim didn’t have a cure, Killian would bet his best knife that they were a whole lot closer than anyone else.

Chapter Eighteen

“Aubrey, you might not ever see them again. You need to say good-bye,” Killian said later that afternoon, beyond frustrated with the little human glaring at him from across the room. As he’d predicted, Jason had agreed to let him take her to Utah, knowing she would be safer there. But he wanted to see her before they left, and she was dead-set against it. Killian had promised he’d try, though, and he was determined to make it happen. Not for their sakes, but for hers.

She’s already spent three years feeling guilty for walking away. He didn’t want that for her now, especially when the Elioud were already fighting off the infected. Unless they got really lucky, chances were she’d never see them alive after today.

“I don’t want to say good-bye.” Her bottom lip quivered on the word.

Killian sighed, his frustration vanishing in the face of her distress. “You might not have another chance, love. You need to do this.”

“Why? What am I supposed to say?” she demanded, throwing her hands up in the air. “I’m furious that you lied to me, but I hope you don’t die?” She sank down onto the edge of the bed. “I don’t know how to say good-bye to them, Killian. That’s why I left like I did last time. I didn’t know how to say good-bye.”

“No one knows how to say good-bye,” he murmured, kneeling beside her. He didn’t touch her, though. If he did…he wasn’t sure how that would end. All day, he’d struggled to keep his distance from her. It was killing him slowly, but he wouldn’t give her false hope.

“What if they die, Killian?” she whispered. “Can’t we stay here? We could help—”

He shook his head before she could finish. “You know we can’t. It’s not safe for you.”

“If they can risk it, I can too.”

“No.”

“It’s my choice,” she said, her eyes flashing.

“Aubrey.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as if that might restore some semblance of patience. It didn’t, of course. “You aren’t staying here. Say good-bye to your friends.”

“Sometimes I want to stab you.”

“I have a knife in my bag,” he offered, a dry smile twisting at his lips.

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” she muttered, standing up and stalking to the door. “Since I’m going to get you killed anyway, I might as well do it with my own two hands, right? Really give me something to hate myself over. I bet that would make you real happy, wouldn’t it?” She stepped outside, slamming the door hard behind her.

Killian was on his feet in two seconds flat, door key in hand. He bounded after her and pulled up short, blocking her path.

“Move,” she snapped, attempting to step around him to get to the stairs. She squinted up at him, her hair blowing in the late afternoon wind.

He stepped with her, refusing to let her pass. “You think I want you to hate yourself?” he asked.

She glared at him.

“That’s the last thing I want.”

“Well, we don’t always get what we want, do we?” she asked, rolling her eyes. The action didn’t hide the flash of pain across her face, though. “Now move so I can get this over with.”

“Aubrey—”

“Move, Killian. Now!” She shoved past him and stomped down the stairs.

He stood there for a minute, torn. He’d never meant for her to find out about the bond and what that meant for him, but he couldn’t take it back now. If he could have made the truth hurt less for her, though, he would have. She’d suffered enough already. And now, because of him, she’d suffer more.

“Hell,” he groaned, starting down the stairs after her.

His life was Hell.

***

Aubrey stomped down the stairs, refusing to take back what she’d said as Killian fell into step behind her. She knew he didn’t want her to hate herself, but she would anyway. If he died, she’d feel as though it was her fault for the rest of her life. Even had he never bonded with her, she’d have felt that way because of her father. Now that she knew the truth, though…it felt so much worse.

How the hell was she supposed to stop a half-angelic Warrior of Light from sacrificing himself to protect her? She didn’t even know where to begin. She’d said please, and that hadn’t worked. She’d told him she loved him, and that hadn’t worked. She’d told him she wouldn’t let him do it. That hadn’t worked, either.

The sad fact was…she had run out of ideas, and she was scared.

Saying good-bye to the boys didn’t make her feel any better.

“Where are they?” she demanded.

“Behind the building,” Killian answered.

Aubrey squared her shoulders and marched forward, determined to do this and get it over with. Killian walked at her side, not saying anything as they skirted around the edge of the hotel and into the yard beyond. She could see the boys beneath the trees at the edge of the property.

“Breathe,” Killian murmured when Jason stepped out to meet them.

The rest of the boys trailed behind him…except, they weren’t boys anymore. They were all grown up now. Even Tyrell towered over her, on the brink of adulthood.

Aubrey sucked in a breath and popped her eyes open wide to hold the tears at bay when they surrounded her. “Hi,” she whispered, much as she had yesterday.

Killian halted, giving her space to say good-bye her way as she took another step forward.

“Hi,” the boys chorused back, shuffling awkwardly from foot to foot.

Even Tyrell, who always wore a smile, seemed subdued and uncertain, as if he didn’t know if they were okay or not. And Jason…God, Jason reminded her of Aaron so much as he stood there, one watchful eye on the group and another on the woods, protecting them as he’d promised to do when he took Aaron’s place.

None of them had asked to be Elioud—most hadn’t even understood what that meant for them. They’d all been strays in a way, with no family or no family willing to accept them. They’d found one another by sheer luck and forged a family of their own, one bound by Heaven and the ancient angelic blood running through their veins. Aaron had been their leader and their friend. He’d kept them together, taught them everything his and Aubrey’s mom and dad had passed on to him. And then he’d died. But somehow, despite everything, Jason had held their little family together.

Would Aubrey ever see them again? Would they survive the virus?

Her shoulders shook, a sob catching in her throat. Whatever walls the last three years had built between them tumbled to the ground. The boys converged on her as one to hug her, to welcome her back, and to tease her for crying. For a minute, it was as if nothing at all had changed.

A piece of her heart that had broken long ago began to heal.

When she caught sight of Killian watching her, a sad frown on his face, another piece splintered.

***

“Are they still out there?” Aubrey asked as the moon chased the sun from the sky. She stood at the window in her hotel room, peering out into the gathering darkness. Her eyes were gritty from having cried so much…but Killian had been right. She’d needed to say good-bye.

All she could do was pray that it wasn’t final. That she’d see the boys again.

“They’re gone,” Killian said from behind her. “They knew you wouldn’t want them to watch you leave.”

“Oh.” She swallowed the lump his confirmation brought to her throat and let the blinds slip from her fingers. She didn’t turn around, though. She and Killian hadn’t talked much since her outburst earlier, and she didn’t know what to say now. Every time she’d looked at him, she saw regret and guilt burning in his eyes.

It hurt to know she was the one who’d put both there. What she’d said hadn’t been fair to him. But what he was doing wasn’t fair to her, either. He couldn’t simply decide to die because he thought it would be easier for her. It wouldn’t be. If she survived the virus, she would live the rest of her life with his death on her conscience.

“How will you do it?” she asked, staring blindly at the window in front of her.

“Aubrey, don’t.”

“I have a right to know,” she said as he stepped closer. “Will you get yourself infected? Will your brothers kill you? Will it…will it hurt?”

“Don’t do this to yourself,” he whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder. As usual, his touch calmed her. Was that because he was part angel? Or because of the bond?

She didn’t have the heart to ask.

“Please don’t do this,” she said so faintly she wasn’t even sure he heard the words. She couldn’t find the energy to put any force behind them, though, not when she knew he’d deny her.

“Aubrey.” He sighed and turned her to face him.

She tilted her face up toward his, staring at him again. “I’ve lost everyone I care about to your world, Killian,” she whispered. “My father and my brother, and now maybe my friends. Don’t ask me to sit back and let you die too. I can’t do that.”

Killian slid his hand around to the back of her neck. He pulled her closer, his eyes never leaving her face. “Even if I wasn’t bonding to you, I wouldn’t survive, Aubrey.
La Morte Nera
has no cure, and I can’t walk away from my duties to the Fallen. I can’t hide out and hope someone else takes charge of the infected or finds a cure.”

“At least you’d have a chance,” she said, reaching up to stroke his jaw. “If it weren’t for me, you’d fight this. I know you would.”

“And if I do become infected?” he asked, tilting her head back farther with his hand on the nape of her neck. “If I get you killed?” Pain shone in his eyes as if the mere thought burned him.

“You’re already killing me,” she said, brushing her fingertips across his lips. “You said the bond was destined. That you didn’t have a choice. Well, I didn’t have a choice, either.”

“You’ll find someone else.”

He said that as though it was so simple, and maybe he thought it was, but she knew better. Even if she couldn’t bond to him as he could to her, he’d taken up permanent residence inside her now. There was no getting him out again. She no longer even wanted to do so. He fit there as if he were meant to be in her heart.

“What if I don’t want to find anyone else? What if I just want you?”

“I’m no good for you,” he whispered against her fingertips.

Maybe she could have believed that. Maybe she
should
have believed that. But she didn’t. Her life had stopped making sense years ago, but he was different. It didn’t matter if he was Nephilim and she was a human. He made more sense to her than anything else had in a long time. “You’re the only thing that’s good for me,” she said, tears burning at her throat once again. “You’re the reason I came back here. You’re the reason I’m fighting for my future. Shouldn’t that mean something, Killian?”

“Don’t ask me to risk your life.” He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “Please.”

“Then don’t ask me to let you throw yours away.” She stroked her fingertips across his cheek. “Maybe I’m not part angel like you, and maybe I’ll never understand what being bonded feels like, but I feel you.” She tugged his free hand up and placed it over her heart. “Right here.”

“You don’t mean that.” He flattened his palm over her heart.

“I do,” she said. “You’re in there now, and it feels right. Don’t take that away from me. I…need you, Killian.”

“And if I get you killed?” He opened his eyes to look at her. “If I become infected or the Dominion finds out about you?”

“Why can’t you trust yourself? Why can’t you trust me?”

“You’re asking me to risk your life, Aubrey.”

“No, I’m not. I’m asking you to spare yours,” she said, pressing her own hand over his heart. “Everything is different now, Killian. I can’t go back to who I’ve been the last few years. I can’t pretend that none of this happened, that people aren’t dying because of my dad. Whether I wanted to be a part of this world or not, it’s here and I can’t go back now. But I can’t live in it without you, either.”

“You’ll find a way.”

“Will I?” She smiled sadly, the thought twisting her heart. “I don’t want to.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do.” Maybe she wasn’t as weak as she’d always thought, but she wasn’t nearly as strong as he thought she was, either. She couldn’t hide from this world anymore, true enough, but she didn’t want to face it alone. If that was her choice—living alone in a world that had taken everything from her—she didn’t want it. “I don’t want to live in this world without you.”

“Promise me you won’t hurt yourself,” he demanded, pulling her closer as if he could physically protect her from any threat she might pose to herself. “Promise me you’ll find a way to deal with this. That you’ll find a way to live.”

Part of her—perhaps the same part that had demanded she run so long ago—wanted to refuse to make that promise if only to get what she wanted from him. But when it came right down to it, she couldn’t do that. “I promise,” she said, knowing it would probably damn her but unable to do anything differently. She wanted him to make this decision because it was the right thing to do for both of them. She wouldn’t be the kind of person who manipulated him into giving her what she wanted even if that meant he refused.