Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (30 page)
Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
13. Have you ever used the phrase
I can’t, I have rehearsal
in reference to either community theater or modern dance?
14. Look at your Facebook profile and count how many pictures you have of yourself wearing a beret.
15. Who is Emmitt Smith?
16. Have you ever heard of the TV show
Hillbilly Hand Fishin’
?
17. When you think of Sharon Stone, do you think of how she didn’t do much of anything but host AIDS fundraisers throughout the late 1990s?
18. When you refer to Academy Award–winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, do you use his full name or the hyperpersonal Lance?
19. Who won
Project Runway
in 2010?
20. Who’s your favorite Mama Rose in
Gypsy
? (Again, just curious.)
ANSWERS:
If you answered
yes
to question 1, you are a Heterosexual.
If you answered 0 to question 2, you are definitely
not
a Heterosexual.
If you answered 0 to question 3, you are most definitely a Heterosexual.
If you have been deemed a Heterosexual by question 3 and have also answered
yes
to questions 4 and 5, you simply have great taste.
If you answered
yes
to question 6, who did you play, and is there video footage? Call me and let me know.
If you can answer question 8, you are most likely a Heterosexual.
If you answered anything but “I prefer baseball” to question 9, you’re probably
not
a Heterosexual.
If you answered
yes
to questions 10 and 11, you are
not
a Heterosexual.
If you can answer question 12, you’re a Heterosexual.
If you answered
yes
to question 13, you are
not
a Heterosexual.
If you answered anything more than “once, but it was on a dare” to question 14, you are
not
a Heterosexual.
The correct answer to question 15: A very famous former NFL football player. And knowing that, obviously makes you a Heterosexual.
If you answered
yes
to question 16, you are a Heterosexual with suspicious taste.
If you answered yes to question 17, you are
not
a Heterosexual.
If you can answer question 18, you are as gay as they come, and you probably know movie director Bryan Singer, too. And me, now that I think about it.
If you know the answer to question 19, you are a female.
Question 20 has no right or wrong answer, unless you said the made-for-TV version with Bette Midler, in which case: Ew.
And, finally, if you’re too confused, tired, or lazy to figure out this quiz (and I don’t blame you), rip out this page and use it to make a paper football. If you know how to do this, you are a Heterosexual.
*
Except, of course, when the Heterosexual Female inevitably falls head-over-heels in love with the Heterosexual Male. Happens every time.
*
Lesbians are great, especially Ellen DeGeneres, Rachel Maddow, Rosie O’Donnell, and Queen Latifah’s girlfriend.
**
Terms of Endearment
is also a
fantastic
movie starring Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger. In one of Shirley MacLaine’s 500 memoirs, she writes about this weird day on set when Debra Winger held her down and farted in her face. It’s a
must-read
for all folks who consider themselves part of the human race.
*
A note on Elderly Heterosexuals: There are many Elderly Heterosexuals out there in the world, and while this book isn’t meant to focus on them, I recommend watching the hit television series
The Golden Girls
to learn anything and everything about them. Just be prepared to hear Rue McClanahan talk
a lot
about sex in a way that is bound to make you extremely uncomfortable and unsure about growing old.
*
Here is how Fantasy Football is described by Wikipedia: “An interactive virtual competition in which people manage professional football players versus one another and that allows people to act as general managers of a pseudo-football team.” Still confused? Yeah, I thought so. Basically, you know how you and your friends sit around and imagine what would happen if you made a movie about
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
with your fantasy cast and who would play who and what would happen? It’s basically like that, except you don’t get to imagine how great Kristin Chenoweth or Melissa Leo would be at playing Kim Richards.
