Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (25 page)
The Heterosexual SAT #4:
Multiple Choice
In this pop quiz, you’ll be answering questions related to chapters you’ve read thus far. I sure hope you’ve been paying attention, or else everyone you know will be extremely disappointed in you, starting first with me. Let’s begin.
EXAMPLE:
For Christmas, it is tradition to decorate:
A.
A pumpkin.
B.
A tree.
C.
A lady who could really benefit from having bangs.
D.
The inside of your mouth with glitter.
Answer: B
1. Which one of these habitats did I
not
mention as a popular Heterosexual Habitat?
A.
Major metropolitan areas.
B.
Rural areas.
C.
Kevin Spacey’s pool house.
D.
Suburbia.
2. How would you rate this author’s writing style?
A.
Boring.
B.
Moderately entertaining.
C.
The worst ever.
D.
Scary, it was so good. Like really. I’m going to have to sleep with the lights on tonight.
3. Which one of these people is
not
a Heterosexual you should know?
A.
Julia Roberts.
B.
Sandra Bullock.
C.
The creator of
Mad About You
.
D.
Barack Obama.
4. Which one of these can you
not
do in the Heterosexual migration spot Las Vegas?
A.
See topless showgirls.
B.
Enjoy the musical styling of Shania Twain.
C.
Indulge in all-you-can-eat crab legs.
D.
Find anyone who has ever read
Wuthering Heights
.
5. Which one of these names sounds the least Heterosexual?
A.
Stacey.
B.
Rachel.
C.
Bart.
D.
Taylor Lautner.
6. Choosy Moms choose what?
A.
Juice.
B.
Jif.
C.
Gin.
D.
Jury duty.
7. Which one of these movies has every Heterosexual seen?
A.
Bring It On Again
.
B.
Titanic
.
C.
Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
.
D.
Hot Cowboy Studs III
.
8. If I were a Heterosexual Female, which one of these men would I want to marry?
A.
Ryan Gosling.
B.
Channing Tatum.
C.
Matthew McConaughey.
D.
Alexander Skarsgard.
(Hint: There is no wrong answer.)
9. Who is the no. 1 most important Heterosexual alive today?
A.
The kid from
Boy Meets World
.
B.
Sherri Shepherd.
C.
Meryl Streep.
D.
Oprah.
10. Which one of these things is the appropriate thing to say to a Heterosexual Female after she’s had a baby?
A.
“You look like John Travolta in
Hairspray
!”
B.
“Are you going to keep it?”
C.
“Your baby is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!”
D.
“When was the last time you showered?”
ANSWERS:
1. C; 2. D; 3. C; 4. D; 5. D; 6. B; 7. B; 8. All answers are correct; 9. C; 10. C
*
I make up this 1%.
*
Fun fact about
Showgirls
star Elizabeth Berkley, whom we also know and love from
Saved by the Bell
. Just about every day in Los Angeles, you can drive by the same café on Melrose in West Hollywood and spot Elizabeth in full hair and makeup sitting at a laptop. One assumes she’s either writing, or simply displaying herself to passing Homosexuals as her own form of community service. Either way, we all appreciate it.
*
Tom Hanks is the greatest actor in the history of all Heterosexual Cinema, and I will fight
anyone
who wants to argue otherwise.
You got that, Robert Downey Jr.?!
*
I suppose we’ve reached the point in the book when I need to address my lingering hostility toward Hilary Swank. It’s obvious, but no one is acknowledging it, like how Coke Zero is actually better than original Coke, so at this point there’s no reason to even sell original Coke. Hilary Swank simply rubs me the wrong way; I’m sorry, but she does. It also doesn’t help that she’s stolen
two
Academy Awards from the ever-deserving, great Annette Bening. I don’t completely know what this has to do with Heterosexuals except that Hilary is famous and identifies as Heterosexual, though, I think it’s safe to say we
all
have an eyebrow raised.
*
Katherine Heigl was briefly one of the most prominently beloved movie stars of the Heterosexual species. The Heterosexual first became famous when she appeared on the television show
Grey’s Anatomy
, a weekly hour of television that most Heterosexuals describe as “riveting,” “beautiful,” and “endlessly relatable.” On that show, Katherine Heigl appeared as a sassy but gorgeous female doctor working in a fast-paced Seattle hospital. Things you can expect to hear Heterosexuals say about Katherine Heigl include: “She’s just like my sister-in-law Pam.” (Said by your office mate with the
Vampire Diaries
daily desk calendar.) “I think she’s hot.” (Said by someone’s boyfriend.) “
27 Dresses
was like my biography!” (Said by Lisa, your alcoholic hairdresser cousin from Tampa, Florida.)
*
This percentage is made up of Sigourney Weaver’s husband, Jim Simpson, and a handful of sci-fi nerds who have never seen a naked woman in real life and most likely never will.
*
Neil Patrick Harris doesn’t have a monthly newsletter or, if he does, I’m not on his mailing list, which, to be honest, is a very likely possibility.
*
The reviewer didn’t say that, as far as I know, but there’s always a chance.
J
UST LIKE BIRDS
,
DEER
,
WHALES
,
AND PEOPLE FROM THE
S
OUTH
, Heterosexuals have very distinct communication patterns, and, oftentimes, in order to get a Heterosexual’s attention, you will need to use the language and calls that are native to their species. Before we discuss the best ways to communicate with a Heterosexual, you must first understand their language itself. Use the following glossary as a reference point any time you’re attempting to communicate with a Heterosexual.
The Heterosexual Glossary
Bro
noun
. A slang term that is short for
brother
, but does not mean one’s
actual
brother. Heterosexuals are
very
capable people, frequently shortening key words in an effort to achieve verbal efficiency. However, the term
sis
is a lot less popular when referring to Heterosexual Females, and if you refer to a female as “sister,” she will automatically assume that you think she’s either (A) a nun or (B) a Sassy Black Lady (
page 63
). Not dissing either, by the way.
Cougar
noun
. A popular term given to Heterosexual Females of a certain age who enjoy the company of younger men. It should be noted that there is no comparable term for Heterosexual Males who do the same thing. Except maybe “that creep who looks like Mr. Belding from
Saved by the Bell
who is always trying to buy me drinks at the bar in the Roosevelt Hotel” or Donald Trump.
Diaper Genie
noun
. This one really threw me for a loop the first few times I heard it. I know what you’re thinking, and before you say anything,
no
, a Diaper Genie is nothing like Robin Williams’s character in
Aladdin
, nor does it have anything to do with the popular 1960s Barbara Eden sitcom
I Dream of Jeannie
. This Genie is a piece of equipment with no magical ability. However, it is beloved by Heterosexual parents for sealing a baby’s dirty diapers so one’s house doesn’t smell like the Porta-Potties at Burning Man.
Divorce
noun
. Heterosexuals have the nationwide right to be legally married. It is a privilege that they do not take lightly; however, along with it comes the staggeringly popular process known as divorce. I am a child of divorce, by which I mean I was a kid when Brad Pitt divorced Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, and I have the emotional scars to prove it. In a divorce, assets are legally divided, alimony is paid, and if children are involved, parental rights become an issue. Divorce is one of the more heartbreaking experiences a Heterosexual might go through, next to the death of a beloved pet or vacationing in Arkansas.
Friends with Benefits
pl. noun
. The way a friends-with-benefits situation works is that two people, who happen to be friends, have a sexual relationship that does not stray from what happens between the sheets. These friends might go to baseball games together, attend the same game nights, and even cohost dual birthday parties, but no matter how romantic their friendship might seem on the surface, they are simply two Heterosexuals partaking in a consensual, strictly sexual relationship with no plans to alter it whatsoever.
*
It is similar to the relationship gay men have with everyone they know.
“Getting m’hair done”
verb
. With the exception of bald people and weirdos who grow their hair really long and work as bar wenches at renaissance fairs, all of us get our hair cut, but Heterosexual Females make the process a much bigger deal than anyone else. A Heterosexual
Female plans her hair appointment
weeks
in advance, sometimes months, and, once there, the process can take upwards of three hours, leaving the males of the species to wander around the mall and try to find ways to kill three hours in the massage chairs at Brookstone.
Jerk
noun
. A term Heterosexual Females and I use to describe recording artist Chris Brown.
Kenny G
noun
. A popular musician within the Heterosexual community, this saxophone player has served as the soundtrack to many a Heterosexual romantic evening. Besides playing the saxophone, he’s also known for having pretty much the exact same hairdo as Andie MacDowell.
MILF
noun
. A commonly used term of desire among Heterosexual Males who enjoy the company of slightly older females, preferably those raising families. MILF stands for “Mom I’d Like to Fuck,” and I can confidently say it is a word I’ve never and doubt I will ever say out loud. Unless I end up recording an audio version of this book, in which case, you just listened to what I said and the previous statements hold no truth, plus, you’re probably thinking I have a great speaking voice and wondering if I sing, too, in which case, thank you and yes. Noted MILFs include Jessica Simpson, Teri Hatcher, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Gwen Stefani, Demi Moore, Heidi Klum, and my aunt Kay.
Minivan
noun
. Driven by both Heterosexual Parents and Heterosexual Perverts alike.
“M’truck”
noun
. A commonly used term among Heterosexual Males, referring to their form of transportation. When a Heterosexual Male drives a truck, he will never address it as “my green 2012 Ford F-150” or whatever other model it might be; he will always simply call it “m’truck.”
Muddin’
verb
. This is a popular activity among Heterosexuals living in rural areas where one can visit vast tracts of land in m’truck, and drive around in circles, causing m’truck to slide all over the place and mud to go everywhere. The appeal of this activity has been argued by many in my field, but it makes Heterosexuals so darn happy that there’s no chance it will be discontinued any time soon.
My Girlfriend
noun
. You obviously know what a girlfriend is. If you don’t, put this book down, go watch any romantic comedy ever made, then come back and we’ll talk. However, oftentimes you’ll hear this term used by a Heterosexual Female referring to another Heterosexual Female or the plural
girlfriends
, referring to an entire group of other Heterosexual Females. No, this does not mean you’re speaking to a lesbian;
*
the Heterosexual Female simply uses these words as a term of endearment
**
to refer to her closest female friends. The same rule
does not apply to the males of the species. If you hear a Heterosexual Male referring to his friend as his boyfriend, he is most certainly not a Heterosexual Male, and if he’s cute, please tell him I said hi and to follow me on Instagram.
Old Ball and Chain
noun
. This is another situation in which the words mean something other than what you think. Heterosexuals like to refer to their marital partner as “my old ball and chain” in a sarcastic and humorous tone.
Do not
, under any circumstances, automatically assume that the Heterosexual is referring to S&M sex, as this will
not
go over well at all. Especially if you’re talking to your uncle Rob about your aunt Suzanne. Trust me on this one, you guys.
Skort
noun
. Popular among Heterosexual Female tennis players, this is the fashion version of shampoo and conditioner in one bottle, pairing shorts and a skirt into one highly functional and highly unattractive fashion statement.
Sup
Another example of Heterosexual verbal efficiency, this word is short for the question “What’s up?”—a strange term that was created sometime in the past 50 years as another way of asking, “What’s going on with you?” but, like, who has the time to say that many words at once? I certainly don’t, and I have
no
life whatsoever.
Talbots
noun
. A clothing store popular among Heterosexual Females in their 50s and 60s. This Heterosexual one-stop shop is the perfect place to get slacks with elastic waists, chunky plastic
jewelry, and oversized silk blouses that tell the world, “I’m a grandmother of three, and I like being comfortable!”
*
That Time of the Month
noun
. A term used by Heterosexual Females to politely describe their monthly menstrual cycle. The female might say, “I’m feeling bloated because it’s that time of the month,” or “I’m having the worst cramps because it’s that time of the month,” while Heterosexual Males might say, “Put the gun down, Alice. I know it’s that time of the month, but I didn’t know you had planned on eating that last Double Stuf Oreo!”
The Game
noun
. This term refers to a specific sports game, though the sport itself is never referred to. Instead, a Heterosexual might invite you over by asking, “I’m having some guys over to watch The Game. Wanna come?” Your answer should always be an immediate “No,” or else you’ll be spending your entire Sunday trying to figure out if all football games have a redeeming halftime show that may or may not feature Madonna, or if that’s just the Super Bowl. Spoiler alert: That’s just the Super Bowl.