Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (26 page)

For the longest time, I wasn’t sure how to speak to Heterosexuals. I was constantly worried that I’d say the wrong thing, like asking them, “What is it like to have sexual relations with someone so physically different from you?” or, “Do you
actually
enjoy Showtime’s
Homeland
? You can tell me the truth. No one is listening.”

Communicating with a Heterosexual isn’t nearly as difficult as it seems. There are just some important rules to follow. First and foremost, here is a list of topics to
avoid
while attempting to communicate with a Heterosexual. These topics will be met with dead stares and/or uncomfortable silence:

   
Your favorite parts of Diane Keaton’s memoir.

   
America’s marriage/divorce ratio.

   
The third season of
The L Word
.

   
How Jane Krakowski deserves more respect.

   
Sequins.

   
The fact that Marilu Henner has that weird disease where she can remember every moment of her life.

   
Fog machines and/or disco balls.