Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (16 page)

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I had the same problem until I saw Brad Pitt in
Thelma and Louise
.

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I don’t want to inflate grotesque stereotypes of gay people like myself knowing nothing about anything other than David Sedaris and glitter, but honestly, I have no gay friends who would rather watch sports than a rerun of
Toni Braxton: E! True Hollywood Story
.

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That is how I begin most conversations.

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Mixed CDs are very popular among Heterosexuals in the courting phase and will always include the Céline Dion song “My Heart Will Go On.”

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Grease
is an important movie to note, as it’s one of those movies both Heterosexuals and Non-Heterosexuals alike can agree on. Oftentimes, when a Non-Heterosexual is hanging out with Heterosexuals, he will accidentally bring up a musical he’s recently seen. The Heterosexual will stare at him blankly and the only way to keep the conversation moving is to say “It’s a lot like
Grease
,” at which point the Heterosexual will happily nod in understanding and you can continue talking about having recently seen
Les Misérables
. It’s also worth noting, for no other reason than my own ego, that I was in three different productions of
Grease
all before my 18th birthday.

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I have blacked out at almost every Heterosexual cocktail party I’ve ever attended.

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Gifts your Heterosexual hosts won’t appreciate: tickets to the national tour of
The Drowsy Chaperone;
photos of yourself dressed as a shirtless cowboy, no matter how much you’ve been working out; livestock; an autographed copy of Teri Garr’s memoir,
Speedbumps: Flooring It Through Hollywood
.

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Barack Obama may or may not know I exist.

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Just kidding. I can’t promise that!

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Heterosexual Males love the Droid, as it’s a phone specifically marketed to them. Watch a Droid commercial, and you’ll quickly realize that they are about as Heterosexual as the Super Bowl. Even the sound they make: DROOOOID. It’s so overtly masculine and aggressive. Every time I hear a man turn on a Droid, I think,
we get it
—you have a penis and you like putting it inside women. Now, can I go back to reading this Tim Gunn biography?

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ESPN is a TV channel solely dedicated to broadcasting sports 24/7. It’s like what CNN does for news, and what Bravo does for drunk women and gay guys.

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If you haven’t seen
Father of the Bride
, part 1, we have nothing to discuss; same thing goes for part 2, by the way.

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Registering for gifts is one of the weirdest things that Heterosexuals do. This is the process by which Heterosexuals will go to a store and make a list of things their friends and family are expected to buy for them. It’s a really weird way to give a gift; however, if you’re ever feeling down, I highly suggest going to the dishware section of Bloomingdale’s and creating an entire wedding registry for yourself and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

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While I am fascinated by this mating ritual, I will not attempt to explain the actual mechanics of Heterosexual sex, as I have never experienced it firsthand, and the only vagina I’ve ever seen is Sharon Stone’s in
Basic Instinct
. And honestly, I kind of prefer her in
Casino
.

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It would be a disservice to write a guide to Heterosexuals without at least mentioning the Kardashians. The Kardashians are a fascinating Heterosexual enigma that won’t seem to go away. Like bedbugs or cancer. No matter how you feel about this celebrity family, they’re doing something right. Everyone knows their names, and, for the most part, everyone has seen them naked.

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Not to be confused with
Baby Boom
, which is another great movie starring Diane Keaton. It came out a few years before the aforementioned
Father of the Bride
, part 1, but she’s still flawless.

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The closest I’ve come to starring on Broadway is going on two dates with a guy who was the understudy for Danny in
Grease
, and he won’t look at me anymore.

H
ETEROSEXUAL
M
IGRATION
P
ATTERNS ARE USUALLY HIGHLY
specific to their breeds. On any given day, thousands of Heterosexuals can be found migrating to warm environments and world-famous cities, taking a break from their usual lifestyle, and trying something new, like eating pho! The following are the most popular migration destinations within the Heterosexual community.

This is one of the most popular Heterosexual migration spots, and for many reasons. It is a city designed for people who don’t want to do too much walking or standing, and what better way to relax than to sit at a Crocodile Dundee slot machine and drink bottomless Bloody Marys?

Local entertainment is geared to the Heterosexual: chippendale shows for the ladies and topless bars for the men, then throw in the comedy of Rita Rudner for the older crowd, and Donny and Marie Osmond’s never-ending concert act for everyone in between.

Did anyone say
hungry
? Las Vegas offers some of the world’s least healthy food. Heterosexuals can find all-you-can-eat buffets at the entrance of every casino, along with restaurants owned by chefs the Heterosexual will recognize from television. Best of all, any of these food options can be delivered to your hotel room at any hour of the day. Heterosexuals in Vegas don’t have to take time out of watching a Morgan Freeman
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movie on Pay-Per-View to do pesky things like sitting down for dinner or walking down the street.

Orlando is to the Heterosexual family what Las Vegas is to the Heterosexual alcoholic. Orlando is one of the strangest things about human civilization, stranger than dogs wearing shoes or Tilda Swinton’s personal life. Made popular by Disney World, Orlando offers all sorts of Heterosexual destinations, such as Universal Studios, SeaWorld, and some place called Gator-land, which is exactly what it sounds like it is. The city sits in the swampy central part of Florida and exists for one purpose: to entertain the Heterosexual family.

On any given day, Orlando is visited by thousands upon thousands of Heterosexuals traveling halfway across the world to ride rides, eat food on sticks, and take pictures with a man
who is dressed as Captain Hook and was once an MFA student in modern dance at Juilliard. It is here that the Heterosexual can proudly flaunt his or her lifestyle by pushing a tandem baby stroller while wearing cargo shorts.
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Daytona Beach is another Florida-based popular migration spot for the Heterosexual. Here you will find the overweight Heterosexual in a swimsuit, drinking frozen drinks, and blaring their native music (by artists such as Lynyrd Skynyrd or Limp Bizkit). Groups of Heterosexuals gather in Daytona Beach to tan their normally pale skin, eat fried shrimp, and buy novelty T-shirts that say things like
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!
and
FBI: Female Body Inspector
. If one is looking to see Larry the Cable Guy live in concert (and what Heterosexual isn’t?), his best bet would be checking out the Daytona Beach cultural arts calendar.

The Heterosexual Female
loves
visiting New York City because it makes her feel like a real-life Carrie Bradshaw, even though Carrie Bradshaw never flew in from Chattanooga, Tennessee, to stay at the Times Square Holiday Inn Express. This is obviously a popular destination among the Single Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw Female (
page 31
), but its appeal goes even further, making
the simplest of Heterosexuals feel decadent and fabulous. The Heterosexual Female really lets loose in New York City, staying out too late and drinking very sugary alcoholic drinks at bars with names like Area and Tunnel. These females will return to their native habitats with stories of their drunken hookup with a real-live New Yorker they met at one of the previously named bars before going to his studio apartment in Jersey City.

The Heterosexual visits Cancun to celebrate an annual holiday called Spring Break. Spring Break comes from the collegiate term for “a weeklong holiday taking place between the months following winter and preceding summer.” During this time, young Heterosexuals retreat to the warm waters of Cancun for unlimited Coronas and bad decisions. Bad decisions made in Cancun include, but are not limited to, participation in wet T-shirt contests,
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Girls Gone Wild
video appearances, and getting pregnant by someone from Wyoming. Cancun is a place for the Heterosexual to unwind by running rampant in a drunken, unsterile mating frenzy on the not-so-white beaches of Mexico.

Heterosexuals looking to take in a little history and culture on their migration, by which I mean old people and nerds, will migrate to Colonial Williamsburg. This old-fashioned city is a Heterosexual history buff’s fantasy land, as this place is full of old-time buildings and hired actors wearing period clothing and pretending to be from the early 1700s. Colonial Williamsburg is one of the last places in America where someone can legitimately claim to be a blacksmith
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for a living.

We all know Malibu Barbie, but did you know that Malibu Barbie was inspired by the countless Heterosexuals who migrate to Malibu’s beautiful beaches on a yearly basis? It’s true, Barbie
is
a Heterosexual, albeit 50 years old and made of plastic. Malibu is basically the opposite of Cancun; this is a quiet, stylish, posh beach where Heterosexuals looking to have a decadent beach experience and get photographed by the paparazzi will migrate. I live in Los Angeles, and of the few Heterosexuals I speak to on a daily basis (not intentional, I’ve just pissed
a lot
of people off), they all migrate to Malibu. Recently, I tagged along on one such Heterosexual Migration.