Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (13 page)

Get ready to talk about stuff you absolutely couldn’t care less about. I’m talking the Mets; I’m talking the economy; I’m talking why the Droid
**
is better than the iPhone. But you might learn some things, so listen. Making idle conversation with drunk Heterosexuals at a cocktail party is a great way to gain insight into their culture, and it’s also a good way to catch up on what’s been happening on ABC’s
Bachelor Pad
.

Customarily, Heterosexual cocktail parties end on the earlier side, so don’t overstay your welcome. The hosts might casually suggest that they’d “better take Mindy out.” Mindy is the Heterosexuals’ dog, who will one day be completely forgotten and ignored once said Heterosexual hosts have a baby. Once the “walk the dog” line has been used, or the obligatory yawn stifled, you should politely leave. This is the end of the night, and just because you think cocktail parties should end with your showing everyone YouTube clips of girls in beauty pageants falling down does
not
mean others feel the same way.

You should now thank your hosts and leave the cocktail party, and, by all means, do
not
, under any circumstances, take the bottle of wine you brought with you, just because it never got opened and just because liquor stores have all closed for the night and you literally don’t even have a beer at home and you’ve told everyone still there that you’re having an after-party at your place; this does not mean it is socially acceptable to take the bottle home with you. Just say thank-you, go home, and for God’s sake, go to bed; you have to work in the morning!

A Heterosexual cocktail party is much different from its sister encounter, Attending a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub. Heterosexual behavior and protocol can be quite different in a person’s home than it is in a public setting. You will encounter far more intoxicated strangers at a Heterosexual Bar or Nightclub, and also, at a Heterosexual Bar, it’s extremely hard to control the television remote control. While at a Heterosexual’s home, you can casually pick up the remote and change it from ESPN
*
to the night’s top stories on Rachel Maddow, or, in my case, a rerun of
Veronica’s Closet
on the TV Guide Channel. However, at a bar, you will be forced to sweet-talk a heavyset woman named Ginger who’s busy making whiskey sours, unless you’re cool with watching the Packers versus Bears game for the next five hours. To prepare you for what you should expect at a straight bar, I am going to share my journal account of a recent trip.

Now, let’s jump ahead. Imagine if you will that those two Heterosexuals that I saw flirting at the bar had liked each other. Let’s pretend that when the male touched the female’s backside, she wasn’t offended. What would have happened next? Marriage, you say? Not that easily, unless, of course, they’re 20-something celebrities or drunk in Las Vegas. However, once the courting process is complete, Heterosexuals can then eagerly close the deal and solidify their relationship with marriage.

If you’ve seen
Father of the Bride
,
*
part 1, you know that marriage is a beautiful thing. You also know that early-1990s Diane Keaton is basically everything you need to know about style and motherhood. However, if the Heterosexuals in your life decide to tie the knot, you’ll soon be attending a Heterosexual Wedding, and if you’re not ready, you will find yourself
extremely
confused by everything from who catches the bouquet to what isn’t OK to say to the bride.

Heterosexuals have the unique right to get married, and they take this right very seriously. There is an entire industry surrounding Heterosexual weddings, from wedding planners, bridal stores, Céline Dion love songs, bridal registries,
*
and a plethora of divorce attorneys. The world is ripe for Heterosexual nuptials.

Here are some key things you should know going in:

   
You must remember that a Heterosexual wedding is the most important day of the Heterosexual’s life, and it is
no
time for sarcasm or self-aware comedy. No matter how hilariously sarcastic you may be, the bride will
not
find it funny if you raise your hand in the middle of the ceremony for the “Does anyone object?” part. Even if you’re wearing fingerless gloves and a shirt that the bride bought you for your 25th birthday, and even if you were personally invited because you’re the bride’s “funniest friend.” It is not OK. Consider this my apology, Katherine.

   
Music at a Heterosexual wedding can go either way. Some Heterosexuals stick to traditional “wedding music” played on a piano or organ, while others step outside the box. I once attended a Heterosexual wedding where the bride made her way down the aisle to the expected “Here Comes the Bride,” only to stop midway, pull out a wireless microphone, and sing “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” in the middle of the church, and then proceeded to the altar as if nothing had happened. It was live theater at its most dramatic. No matter what the music choices may be, it is best to pretend that every single song played is your favorite song of all time, or else the bride will become agitated and call you a few weeks later to tell you that you ruined her day. Again, Katherine, I am
sorry
. You were right. Neil Young
is
the voice of love.