Stone Walls (15 page)

“Why,” she pauses before adding, “why you?”

“You’ve fucked me up, and I don’t know how to handle it.”

This is where I would predictably kiss her again. The way she swipes her bottom lip quickly with her tongue, the way her eyes widen, hints that she expects me to. But instead, I tuck her face into the crook of my neck and hug her as tightly as I did before.

I’ve fucked
him
up?

His admission flips my heart inside my chest.

It feels so good to be in his arms. For the first time in a long time, I feel safe, protected. My pride makes me want to push him away to prove I don’t need him to protect me. I don’t need anyone to. My heart tells my pride to shut up. My heart feels a sense of contentment it’s never felt before…and it likes it.

I may be confused about what I’m feeling for him, but it sounds like he’s going through his share of conflict. It sounds like we are both in similar places, and we are both as stubborn as shit.

He pulls slightly away to look down at me. “You feel better?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Come.” He takes my hand and leads me to sit on the bed beside him. “Do you want to talk about the tattoo?”

I know I should. I know I should analyze why I reacted the way I did. If I suppress my emotions, it will only come back to bite me in the ass. Whether in the form of a nightmare or another panic attack, sooner or later I’ll be forced to face the demons that triggered this attack.

I drag in a very deep breath to garner some strength. In the spur of the moment, I decide to share my story with Ben. Not the condensed version I gave him before, I need to tell him the heart-wrenching version.

“It was a normal night. Mom was in the living room, watching the news. I was down the hall in my room, reading a book. I heard breaking glass and a loud bang in the front of the house. Our house wasn’t large. It was a small three-bedroom ranch. Just as I ran to my bedroom door, my mom let out one bloodcurdling scream after another. I saw him…”

The words clog my throat painfully. He takes my hand in his, but otherwise sits quietly beside me, letting me work through this on my own. With my free hand, I frantically wipe the tears that pour over my cheeks. I avoid his eyes. I’m afraid of what I’ll see if I were to meet his gaze. Pity would send me into a worse state. He says he doesn’t feel sorry for me. I’ve seen that look of pity that inevitably comes when someone hears my story. I’m not telling him this so he would feel sorry for me. I want to share a piece of me with him. This is a huge piece of who I am. It’s suddenly important to me that he knows my reality.

I take my time, controlling my breathing until I can resume.

“He was dressed in black and wore a ski mask over his face. I saw him reach out and grab her hair as she tried to run into the kitchen. Her screams continued, over and over. I couldn’t think straight. I froze, conflicted on whether I should try to stop him or hide. Afterward, I obsessed wondering if those few seconds of indecisiveness cost my mother her life. It was from where I stood in the doorway that I watched him slit her throat.”

When the tears come again, Ben moves closer and tucks me under his arm. He kisses the top of my head over and over. With my eyes clenched tight, I try to picture what I saw that night.

“My gasp caught his attention. He chased me down the hall. Once he reached me, he hit me repeatedly as I kicked and punched back trying to protect myself. He lunged at me with the blade in his right hand. I heard screaming, but I honestly don’t remember if it was my voice. I felt a burning and wetness near my neck.” My hand mechanically traces my scar, pausing as I do. “Somewhere in the house, a shot rang out. When he turned his head toward the sound, I tried to pull off his hat. I lifted it enough to see a tiny stretch of barbed wire below his chin. It all happened so fast. Another shot was fired, and he took off, running out our back door.

“I crawled to my mother, ignoring my neighbor’s pleas to stay still. Except for the movement of her chest rising and falling, she lay motionless. I held her as she took her last breath. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital, alone.”

“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.” He locks me in his arms, forcing my face into his chest. He wraps one hand around the side of my neck, covering my scar.

Once again, I welcome the calm that comes from being wrapped in his arms.

I’m so drained, so exhausted. I don’t even bother to try to fight the sleep that takes hold. In a semi-state of consciousness, I feel Ben lift me to lay me on the bed. Expecting him to leave, he instead settles in behind me. I sigh before drifting off to sleep.

My alarm wakes me. It takes a moment for me to remember where I am. It takes a few more for me to remember what happened last night. Ben is gone. He must have left after I fell asleep. My head hurts from all the crying I did last night.

I’m disappointed he isn’t still here.

I’m relieved he isn’t still here.

The smell of coffee drifts into my room, one of the benefits of a roommate. Andrea usually waits until she hears the shower turn on to even get out of bed. She’s been sharing my bed, and I wonder if she decided to sleep on the couch due to Ben showing up. Robotically, I head straight for the shower, sticking to our normal morning routine.

He now knows…he didn’t run.

He stayed last night and comforted me. A small smile plays on my lips from the realization that he cares about me. Yes, he may have displayed acts of kindness before. Sure, I already know he’s attracted to me. Having him show up at my apartment and stay in the manner that he did can only mean he also cares.

As I towel off, I remind myself there are two sides to Ben Stone. This could all be a fleeting, random act of kindness that I may never see again. I need to prepare myself for that possibility. If it were to be a fluke, am I okay with that? I think I’d be okay with being friends and nothing else.

I’m lying. I’d want him even more. If this only turned into a good friendship and nothing else, I’d be miserable. Mainly because I got a taste of a kind, soft, caring Ben…and I love it.

I walk down the hall back to my room, detouring to the kitchen to grab some coffee and
Advil
for my throbbing headache.

Ben stands, leaning against my counter, holding a mug of coffee while staring off into space.

He stayed
! “What are you doing here?”

He looks up surprised, and doubt passes over his features. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. I just thought you left.”

I quickly turn to my right to see that my couch is empty. He follows my eyes and says, “She went to my place to get ready for work.”

“Why?” Still gripping my towel tightly, I one-handedly pour myself a cup of coffee. I can feel his eyes on me. It causes my flesh to heat uncomfortably.

“I asked her to. There’s another reason I stayed,” he admits while my back is to him. I turn and stand across from him, waiting expectantly for him to continue. He swallows before he does.

“Ella, I don’t want you going to the gym for a while.”

That’s not what I expected him to say. “Why?”

“The man we took into custody last night, his name is Todd Smyth. He’s the General Manager of all three Social Workouts. I’d like you to stay away for a few days.”

“What for?”

He pauses and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can’t go into details, but I saw his reaction to you.”

“I was bent in half and it looked like I was having a heart attack. He probably was concerned about a possible lawsuit.”

“Ella, please don’t be difficult.”

What the hell?

“Ben, please don’t be ridiculous.” I place my cup down and walk into my room. He’s one step behind me and grabs my arm.

“Why are you so fucking stubborn? I’m just asking you to stay out of that gym for a while. Is that so much to ask?” He glares down at me.

The fucking gall of this man confounds me. Anger immediately replaces the bliss I was feeling just a few minutes ago. This back and forth is exactly my point.

I yank my arm from his hold. “We share a few kisses, you comfort me one night, and now you have the right to tell me what to do?”

“I have my reasons. I need you to please do as I ask.”

“Do you honestly think he had something to do with my mother’s murder?” I shake my head while releasing a huff sarcastically. “I lived in rural Massachusetts. Ben, if you Google tattoos, I’m sure the most popular one is barbed wire.”

“If that’s the case and I am being ridiculous, then you can say that you told me so.” He softens his voice and removes the scowl from his face. As he steps closer, he says, “Ella, I’m not asking you this to have some fucked up control over you. I care about you. I’d like to spend more time with you.” He places his hands on my waist. I can feel the heat of his touch through the thick, plush towel. At the moment, I’d agree to anything. “Just give me a few days to check him out. Okay?” I nod slowly, and he follows the same motion with his head. “I have to go. Can I call you later?”

I nod again. He gives me a breathtaking smile, bends to kiss me long and hard, and leaves my apartment.

When I hear my door shut, I sit heavily on my bed, reeling from what just happened. Wait, what just happened?

He cares? He wants to see me?

Why?

After having to relay every detail of last night, Andrea sits stunned because nothing fucking happened between us.

“I was up all night. I gave myself a headache trying to decipher some noises.”

“Noises?”

“Oh Ben, oh yes, please, don’t stop.” I catapult my pen at her head when I realize what she means. She ducks just in time and laughs out loud. “Nothing but a kiss? Really?”

“Andrea, I just spilled my story to him. He was in shock. He stayed because of the condition I was in. He didn’t sleep beside me to cop a feel or get lucky.”

She looks at me with a bored expression. “Were you at least naked?”

We are getting nowhere. “Andrea,” I sigh.

“Okay, I’m sorry. No more talk of boinking Ben. All kidding aside, Ella, I want you to listen to him.”

I study her for a few seconds. “It’s ridiculous, Andrea. He’s a cop. He’s naturally suspicious. I do believe he just likes bossing me around. Like he gets off on it or something.”

“Well, the poor guy
should
get off on something.”

“Oh my God.”

She gives me a megawatt smile. “It won’t kill you to listen to him. You can find other ways to work out for a few days. I have a few suggestions.” She receives a text, replies immediately, and says, “A call is coming in.” My cellphone buzzes on my desk on her command. “Ooh, can that be Mr. Stone calling?”

“You’re so annoying.” I walk a little too quickly to pick it up before it stops ringing. “Hi.”