Still Water (25 page)

My body responded to her touch, but I couldn't let what I needed to say be clouded by my desire to be with her. "I'll try, Lily, that's all I can give you right now. You know I care about you, but my baby girl, Molly… she's my number one now and I need to be a dad to her."

"That's the best thing you've said all night." Lily surprised me by quickly placing her soft lips to mine. She pulled her hand through my hair taking the kiss up a notch, just enough to get me going, just enough to make it impossible for me to stop myself from having her. I couldn't give her more — the more that she deserved — not right now. Right now… all I had was uncertainty. I'd promise to let her be there for me, and I would, but right now, all I could do was make her feel… feel just how much she meant to me.

T
HE FLUORESCENT LIGHT IN
Sawyer's hospital room was taking my headache to a whole new level of shit. Sailor, Lily, and Elizabeth had just headed down to the cafeteria to grab some snacks for the baby. Sawyer was going home tomorrow; his recovery wasn't over, and he still had a small tremor in his right hand. The doctors assured him with physical therapy he would get the full function of his hand back in no time. Sawyer sat on the edge of his bed in his dark blue sweat pants and a gray T-shirt with NAVY across the front. His hair was messy, but he still looked like a fucking brick wall. He was staring at his hands as he rubbed his left thumb into the palm of his right hand.

"Does it hurt?" I wasn't sure if I should ask. He was quiet, and I figured he was the
'suffer in silence'
type.

Sawyer slowly pulled his attention from his hands. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

His mind was obviously elsewhere, "Your hand, does it hurt?"

"No man, that's the funny thing. I wish it did… I wish I could feel the pain of it, because then I'd know how to deal with it. Pain is something I can handle, it lets me know I'm still alive, still breathing, still have a chance. This numbness is fucking driving me crazy. How the hell can I be fine one minute, and then not even be able to hold a damn pencil the next?" He brusquely pushed the tray table that sat next to his bed with his left hand, the pencil he was working with earlier fell to the ground — the sound oddly poignant. A small object like a pencil was bringing down this great man.

"Soy, physical therapy will help. The doctors say you'll be all good, bro. Don't let this shit bring you down, you're too strong for that, right?" I met his hard stare.

He nodded. "Thanks."

"All right then." My tone was placating, and Sawyer laughed. My lips pulled into a smirk. "What?"

"You're so sweet to me." Sawyer's shoulders shook with laughter as I looked for something to throw at him.

"Shut the fuck up, man. You were being a little bitch. I was just making sure you remember who you are." I couldn't help but laugh.

Sawyer took a deep breath, his smile still in place, and looked down at his right hand. "I got this," he whispered.

"You got this. I feel like a proud parent right now."

Sawyer appraised me quietly for a second before he spoke. "Speaking of being a parent—"

"Awe she told you, fucking Liz."

"Watch it, brother, that's my wife." His jaw tensed slightly, and I backed down. Sawyer was right, of course, Liz would tell him.

"I know, I just haven't told my family yet. I'm so screwed up over all this; I'm not sure what to do." The palm of my hand scrubbed down my face as I leaned back in the chair I was sitting in.

"What do you mean you don't know what to do? You be a man and own that shit. That's your kid, right?"

"Yes, Emma isn't one to sleep around, and the dates match up. I saw Molly's picture, and she looks just like me. So yeah… she's mine."

"You're a father." Sawyer's smile lit his eyes, and for some reason, this gave me hope. If he had faith in me, then maybe I could do this.

"I'm a father… I mean, I made a kid. I'm not a father until I step up to the plate, which I'm going to do, full on… I get to meet her today." I rubbed a piece of string from the ripped denim of my jeans between my fingers anxiously.

"Todd, being a father… it's more than I could have ever imagined. My little girl, she's my whole goddamn world. I have no doubt that once you see her, once you hold your own flesh and blood in your arms, once you see yourself in her eyes, you'll know exactly what to do. You'll be a goner." He shook his head and grinned. "Todd's a daddy… don't screw this up, brother."

"I won't." As the words left my mouth, the truth of the statement filled my chest with security, and I could breathe just a bit better than before.

"Your lady know?" Sawyer regarded me with sympathetic eyes.

"She does, and she's handling it all really well considering this thing… this relationship is so new. I'm just waiting for the ball to drop, I guess." A sharp pain pulsed behind my eyes. The day's stress was finally getting to me, and my headache was getting worse. Pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, I continued, "I don't know, maybe it'll all work out."

"Just don't mess it up." He chuckled. "You have a tendency of doing things ass-backward, and Lily seems like a good girl. It'll work out. I like her, by the way. I didn't get a chance to tell you before I decided to take a twenty-five foot nose dive, but, yeah man, she's cool and pretty easy on the eyes."

"Keep your eyes to yourself." The sound of my voice was laced with jealousy. Sawyer's low chuckle made me grin.

"My eyes are firmly in place, brother, but it's good to see you really like her. I'm happy for you."

The feelings I had for Lily went far past anything I was equipped to deal with. When Elizabeth married Sawyer, I told myself I'd never again let someone in, never again let myself be duped into loving another girl, but I was saturated in everything that was Lily. She was everywhere: traces of her taste lingered on my lips, the feel of her skin on my fingertips, her hair on my pillowcase, and her image burned behind my eyes. There was no doubt that I could love Lily with everything that I am, and as hard as I tried to deny it to myself, this girl had taken root in my heart and, fuck, if I didn't love every second of it.

"Yeah… she's pretty damn sweet."

Sawyer smiled the biggest smile I'd seen on the dude all week. "You got this, brother."

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

Lily

"
I
T WAS NICE OF YOU GUYS
to come visit. Come for dinner this week? Maybe Sunday?" Elizabeth juggled Sailor between her arms while trying to take a bite from an apple. We'd been at the hospital for the majority of the day. The lack of sleep from the previous night was starting to take its toll, my limbs felt substantial, and all I could think of was how great a hot bath and a nap would feel right about now.

"I think so, Lizzie Bean. I might take Molly to meet my parents though, so I'll let you know. I'm hoping Emma will be okay with that." Todd kissed Elizabeth on the cheek. "You guys probably need the rest anyway, but I'll let you know. It was good to see you. Hang in there man." Todd gave Sawyer a quick hug; both men clipped each other on the backs, and I stifled a smile at the show of testosterone.

"It was good to see you again, Lily." Sawyer drew me in with his powerful arms, his sweet woodsy smell filled the space, and I felt entirely consumed by his form. It should've felt awkward to be so completely embraced by a man I hardly knew, but this was just his way. Sawyer was a giant sweetheart, and you couldn't help but feel like you'd known him forever.

As I pulled away from his hug, Todd smiled down at me and took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers. He inclined his head to mine and placed a quick kiss to my lips. "You ready to go, baby?"

I nodded. "See you guys soon."

T
HE GOODBYES WERE HAPPY;
it was such a different feeling from how it was the last time I was here at the hospital. We were headed back to my house so I could shower and get ready to meet Molly — meet Todd's future. As much as it should've scared me, the way I felt for Todd trumped any fear I had. I said I would be there for him, and I would.

The spring air smelled rich, the scent of the cottonwood trees pulled through the truck's open windows, the wind ratted my hair, the heat of the sun soaked into my closed eyelids, and the slow motion of the moving vehicle rocked me into a sleepy state. It was peaceful. Todd was humming to a song by Band of Horses and in that moment everything felt as it should, as if this was just another day, another moment in time with him. I felt blessed. The rest of the day could wait — everything was right as rain.

"Hey babe, you awake? Your phone is vibrating like crazy." Todd wrapped his hand around my thigh.

"Yeah, sorry, I didn't feel it."

Eve's name flashed across my phone's lock screen. I had three missed calls from her and one text.

Eve:
Where are you?

I swore, something must be wrong.

"Everything okay?" Todd asked, his brows furrowed.

"I don't know."

I tapped out a quick text.

Me:
I'm with Todd. Was up at the hospital visiting a friend. What's up?"

Eve's text was immediate.

Eve:
Mom is here.

My heart stopped, my stomach flipped, and the bile burned my throat.

"Pull over, Todd. Now! I'm going to be sick."

The truck swerved and came to an abrupt stop. I dropped my phone to the floor as I opened the door, hardly making it out in time before I emptied my stomach onto the side of the road. The bitter taste made me gag and dry heave again.

The sound of crunching gravel alerted me to Todd's presence. "Oh God, Todd, please don't… I've just been sick."

"
I know
, are you okay? What the hell, baby? What's the matter?" The alarm in Todd's voice helped me rein it in. I leaned against the truck passenger seat; my grip on the interior door handle was weak. Todd leaned passed me, and I heard him shuffling through the center console. He pulled back and handed me a napkin from a fast food place and his bottle of water from the hospital.

"Thanks." I wiped my mouth and took a long sip of water. The cool liquid poured smoothly down my throat easing the acid in my gut.

"What's going on?" Todd's fingers brushed the hair from my face and pulled it behind my ear.

"My sister said my mom is home. Like home… home, like at her house."

Todd's eyes grew wide. "You shouldn't go there then. Come back to my place. I'll go grab your shit, and you can stay with me. Fuck babe, don't worry, you don't have to see her." Todd pulled me to his chest, and I summoned all my inner strength not to cry. I felt stupid for my overreaction; he shouldn't have to worry about me today. Today he gets to meet his Molly.

The cedar fragrance of Todd's skin permeated through his shirt and comforted me more than I thought possible; it gave me the fortitude to do what I needed to do. I eased away from his embrace. "No, I should go home. You need to see your daughter, and I need to see my mother. Seems as if fate has its own freaking plans for us today." I laughed without humor.

Todd's face fell just enough that I noticed. "You don't owe her anything. She left you when you were only three. She's not your mother… she was an incubator." Todd's eyes turned dark, and the line of his jaw grew sharp.

"You need to go see your little girl, Todd." I tried to smile, tried to show him I could do this, tried to convince myself that her leaving me — never once looking back, and never once caring whether I was dead or alive — hadn't bothered me. After all, she was just a person — a person who I thought didn't hold the power to destroy me anymore. I was wrong.

"I could call Emma. Reschedule. Let me–"

"No way. You need to see her. Really, I'll be fine." I sucked in a large breath. "I'm sorry I scared you. I just wasn't prepared. The reaction I had was over the top, and I'm sorry." My cheeks heated with embarrassment, and I dropped my head down.