Still Into You (54 page)

“Well, since you put it that way . . .” he replied, removing his clothes and then slowly undressing her.

Looking down at her, he studied her. Her breasts appeared fuller and her body had regained the curves he loved so well. She looked healthier, even though she wasn’t.

“Are you sure you feel up to it?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Very sure,” she said, sitting up and pulling him to her.

He kissed her so tenderly that tears came to her eyes. “I love you, Mia Devereux.”

“I love hearing those words.”

“Yeah?” he said, kissing one cheek and then the other.

“Yeah. And know what else?”

“Hmm?” he murmured, his lips leaving a trail down her neck.

“I love you, too,” she said before his lips found hers again. “Now, if you don’t mind, could you please make love to me?”

“With pleasure,” he said, entering her, feeling her sweet, wet embrace.

Mia

Laying in Ethan’s arms, Mia knew there was so much more to say to him, but right now, she wanted to just stay there, relishing in the comfort and love. His fingers stilled on her arm and she felt his deep inhale of breath. He was preparing to talk. She swallowed and held her own breath, waiting for what she was sure would be a difficult question.

“I need to ask you something,” he said, resting his chin on her head. “It’s about Todd . . .”

Her eyes fell shut at the mention of Todd’s name from Ethan’s lips. She knew for absolute certain what he wanted to know—how far the two of them had gone, what Todd had meant to her.

“What happened that night of your overdose, Mia? I know something did and I need you to tell me. I need the truth. Otherwise, I’ll just assume and right now, I’m assuming the worst.”

“You’re right. Something did happen,” she started. Mia needed to tell him this. It may be uncomfortable for them both, but he was right—this needed to be said. “First, the night you told me about Kristen, I, uh, went to Todd’s room and asked him to get me some drugs. In all the years I’ve known him, that night, in his room, was the first time I saw him as a man. I noticed him and it pissed me off. I was so mad at you for that. I could’ve easily had sex any number of times while on tour, but I didn’t. I only wanted you. And now there was Todd. He kissed me that night. I stopped him, but I liked it.”

“He’d brought you the drugs that night,” Ethan stated quietly.

“Yes, as well as temptation,” she said then paused for a long moment as she collected herself. “I went to Todd’s the night of my overdose because he always made me feel good. And he did—until I stupidly took that last line of cocaine.”

“Have the two of you ever slept together?”

Sorry,
she said to herself before she answered. “I have slept with him a lot, but I never had sex with him. That night . . . that was the route we were on, until I landed in the hospital. But Todd and I worked passed that. It was a wake-up call for both of us. Things are good. Can we leave it at that?”

Ethan’s silence was killing her. She wanted him to say it was all right, but what he asked next had her wanting to bolt.

“I want you to tell me about Josh.”

Fuck.

“No, you don’t,” she said uncomfortably.

“I need to know.”

“Why do you want to do that to yourself?”

“Did you love him?” he asked and Mia was out of the bed so fast. She did not want to discuss this with him.

“Ethan,” she warned, as she stood in front of the window.

“Did you?” he pushed.

“No.”

“Oh,” Ethan said simply.

“You didn’t expect that answer?” she asked, looking back at him. He had sat up and rested up against the headboard.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I didn’t.”

“I cared for him, and I guess in a way I did love him and do love him, but as a friend. It was never that earth-shattering love. It was never the kind of love that makes you ache because you love that person so damn much.”

“What was he to you then?” he said, moving from the bed to the carpet in front of the bed.

“Ethan, I can’t do this.”

“You need to. You cannot hide anymore. You need to be honest with me if we are going to stand a chance. You need to lay it all out there, even if it hurts me in the process. I’m not naïve. Hearing about Josh is not something I really want to hear.”

“Then why do you want me to tell you?”

“Because it’ll fester inside me—all my doubts, all my questions. And that won’t lead us to a pleasant place, that’s for sure.”

She turned to face him. “Tell me you love me.”

“What?”

“Please,” she begged, kneeling in front of him.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Mia said. She kissed him and then thought of where to begin. Joining him on the floor, she sat back against the chair, facing him. “So, do you want like a recap? Or just what he meant to me?”

“I want to know why you were with him, what he meant to you, and basically whatever you need to tell me in order to answer that.”

“Okay. I’ll just start at the beginning, I guess. Despite my bravado to you about the movie, I was actually pretty nervous about doing it. The sex, the drugs. Having you see it. That was a constant thought—you seeing this movie. I kept thinking back to that tour and how I felt and why I took the drugs in the first place—that desperation, the overwhelming need to feel good, how much I missed you. Those thoughts fed how I played Sophia. So, I was, uh, pretty vulnerable and feeling very lonely. I’m embarrassed to say how lonely I was. At that point it had been over a year and a half since I had been, uh, intimate with anyone.”

“Really?” he asked, shocked.

“I was concentrating on me. I didn’t need the distraction of a man—any man.”

“Wow! A year and a half?”

“Stop!” she yelled, playfully kicking at him. He continued to chuckle at her. “Aren’t you at three years?”

He blushed.

“And just so you know that will be discussed at some point. And we are definitely getting a new bed at your place.”

“Seems you have already thought some on that.”

“You would be right,” she conceded. “Anyway, the movie was an awesome experience. My co-stars were great, very entertaining. I needed that. You’ve seen the movie, so you know what scene I’m talking about—the first time she does ecstasy. That was a rough scene, and well, I think Josh somehow knew it. He came to see me later that night at my hotel room.”

“That was the first night,” he guessed.

“Yes.”

“Why? After all that time, why then?”

She laughed a little uncomfortably. “It’s pretty simple really. Making out with a cute, naked guy all day long, being really turned on, plus lack of sex equals one powerful explosion.”

“So, was this an instant relationship?”

“No, not really. That didn’t happen until after the movie wrapped.”

“Why?”

“I needed someone. I was raw. It was like every nerve ending I had was exposed. That movie forced me to think about a lot of stuff,” she paused, her eyes flooding with tears. And when she spoke again, her voice was filled with such hard emotion. “That time period was the closest I’ve been to taking drugs in a very long time. So, it was going to be either sex or drugs. I chose sex.”

She looked over at him and found him staring at the carpet. This was killing him, and again, she doubted discussing this. She hated seeing him hurt.

“Ethan, are you sure we should be doing this?”

He only nodded.

Okay then.

“Uh, well . . .” she started, rubbing her forehead, trying to think. “So, Josh fulfilled the need, but he was also my companion, my friend. And I really needed a friend.”

“What about Luke?”

“Luke was too tied to you. I didn’t want to put him in the middle any more than he was. I had to do something, so I let you have my best friend.”

“He’s a great friend.”

“One of the best.”

Mia knelt in front of him. He still looked away, his eyes trained on the fireplace. She tilted her head, regarding him, seeing the many emotions on his face and wondering what was going through his mind. Placing her hands on his cheeks, she forced him to look at her. “Ethan. Look at me,” she demanded. His eyes were on the verge of tears. He was battling, she thought sadly. “You have got to remember that all this got me back to you. You have to hold on to that, okay? I love you and I have from the start. I have never stopped loving you and I don’t plan on ever stopping.”

“I know this.
God,
I know this, but I still kick myself. I hate that I left you to cope with that. I should have been the one you leaned on when you were raw and thinking about the drugs.”

“Stop. This was my journey and I had to do it alone, because with you, I felt safe, protected. I needed to do it,” she smiled lovingly. “And here you are. You are with me. You love me and our love will get us through this.”

“You think so?”

“Oh, I know so. I’m going to fight for you. I won’t let you go. You, my dear, are stuck with me.”

Ethan pulled her into his arms and held on to her tight. Wrapping her own arms around his neck, Mia returned his embrace. “Josh was there for me during a very hard time in my life,” she continued. “He kept me from going under. Because all I really had to do was think back to those two nights and remember all the pain I’d caused. I still hate myself for that and I really hated me then.”

“Tell me why.”

“No,” she said sadly.

“Mia,” he said sternly.

“God, I know, Ethan,” she said, letting the tears fall. At that point, she left his embrace and walked to the wall of windows, staring out at the ocean. “I know. I was mad at everything I did, everything that happened to me. I hated the thoughts I had. I wanted to give up. I wanted to give up so bad. But I didn’t. I fought. I pulled myself up. I was better than that. I deserved more than that. And that’s the choice I made—life. I chose sex with a virile, sexy man. I chose to feel good in a healthy, natural way.” She took a deep breath, wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to face him and she saw understanding.

“The strength you showed during your struggles made me love you more. Your determination.”

“I fell apart on a most massive scale. How is that strength?”

“You’re here now,” he said simply. “You could’ve stayed that course, ignored your wake-up call. But you didn’t. You fought. You fought through all that, and now you are here with me.”

“I am.”

“I was afraid it might never happen,” he admitted.

“For a moment, so did I,” she replied, skipping over her suicide attempt. One moment in her life she didn’t want to admit to anyone else. So instead, she focused on Ethan, wanting the hot spotlight on him. “This goes both ways, Ethan. You need to talk to me, too.”

“Turning things around on me, huh?”

“Of course,” she replied, grateful for the bit of humor that eased a little of the tension in her body.

“What do you want from me?” he asked her.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you want to know?”

“Right now, I really want to know your thoughts about what I had to say because I said a lot.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t be quiet.”

“Oh hush,” she said, swatting at his leg. “Seriously, though. Questions? Comments? Observations? You heard a lot. I took you on a visit to my dark side, such a pleasant experience, I’m sure.”

“It wasn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

“I told you I was with a guy just for sex.”

“A long-term relationship with a guy. Whereas I had absolutely no relationship with the women I had sex with. Which is worse?”

“So, I guess I have a question for you. How much did you know about Josh and me?”

“You’re curious as to whether I kept tabs on you.”

“Maybe . . .” she blushed.
Totally.

“Did you keep up with me?”

“Duh! Every game I could watch. I’d even watch the sports shows.”

“Really?”

“Yes, and stop stalling.”

“I knew a lot about you two. The paparazzi were ruthless it appeared.”

“They were, and even being up front about our relationship didn’t stop them,” she paused. “Ethan?”

“Yes, suga?”

She smiled at the term of endearment, thankful for its appearance. She noticed the lack of its use during their talk. “What are your thoughts on Josh?”

“Hmm. I’m thankful actually.”

“You are?”

“He helped you and I will always be in his debt for that.”

“Yeah . . . me too,” she said.
More than you’ll ever know.
“So do we have to get into details of your relationships between round one and round two? Because I don’t want to know the details. I know you had sex with other women.”

“Do you want to know how many? Who they were?”

“Do you even know?”

“Ouch, Mia,” he said, putting his hand on his heart.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist that. But, uh, do you?” she asked, wanting to know.

“How ‘bout this? If by a slim chance we see someone I slept with, I tell you and we go from there.”

“Okay, will we run into any in Indy?”

“Not very likely.”

“Okay . . . Chicago?”

“Maybe.”

“Goddamn it, Ethan! You defiled my city!”

He laughed. “Just so you know, I was with women before I met you.”