Still Into You (24 page)

“Ethan . . .”

He hadn’t heard her say his name since the time they spoke in March. No one said his name the way she did, the way the breathiness of her voice pulled at his heart.

His gaze rose from her legs to her face. The torment he saw, he didn’t want to see anymore. He wanted to erase the pain from her eyes.

Cupping her face with one hand, his thumb caressed her cheek. She leaned into his hand, exhaling softly, her eyelids shuttering closed. Mia opened her mouth to speak but he silenced her.

“Shh. You don’t owe me an explanation.”

“Yes, I do,” she said, her eyes still closed. His thumb traced the delicate shape of her jaw, reveling in the softness of her skin.

Damn it! He missed her so much. Ethan wanted so much more than what they currently had. What he wouldn’t give to have her lips on his, but he’d do whatever it took to get her better.

“Tell me then. How did this happen?”

Her eyes opened and held his for a moment. He watched them move like a clock as she thought about her words. “I didn’t intend to go to Todd’s. I just didn’t want to go back to the studio nor did I want to go home. I was just going to my friend’s house to hang out. He and I . . . we always had fun together. I really needed that,” she paused and he did everything in his power not to react to the mention of Todd’s name. He had to focus on the tortured woman in front of him. She took a deep breath, collecting herself before proceeding. “When we got to his loft, the cocaine was already out on the table. Nothing else had been working, so when he offered, I did it. I really didn’t think too much on it. I just wanted the escape it would bring. A little later we did ecstasy,” she stopped and what happened in that loft played across her face. He knew she was remembering what went on between her and Todd, but wasn’t going to tell him.

She swallowed and took a deep breath before continuing. “We, uh, shared a joint. After that, I started to feel weird, like low, so I . . . um . . . took another line of coke. The moment I did it, I knew I had just made a huge mistake. That’s why I texted Marty. I was losing my grip on reality fast. My heart was pounding harder than I’d ever felt it. My hearing and vision were fucked. I was fucked,” she told him, her pinched fingers tapping at her chest.

He could see the fear of what that meant on her face—that she could have died. Her face crumbled, pulling sobs from this broken woman before him.

“Shh . . . you’re here, suga. You can fix this—whatever it is that is bothering you. Then—”

The loud ring of his phone interrupted his speech. He knew the ring tone—Luke. Mia tensed under his hand. Guess she knew who it was too. So he answered it. He gave Mia a small smile of apology before putting the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Are you with her?” Luke’s voice blared into his ear.

“Yes.”

“Let me talk to her.
Please.
I need to know she’s okay.”

Ethan turned his focus back to Mia. She was steeling herself for this conversation with her best friend by taking some deep breaths for strength. “Mia, it’s for you.”

“Luke?” she asked, her voice a whisper. She fought to keep her composure, the effort hard. Her chin quivered, her teeth gnawing on the inside of her bottom lip. After a long moment to gather herself, she took the phone from him. She didn’t relax, her posture was rigid as she listened to Luke.

“I’m okay . . . I made a mistake. A huge miscalculation.”

With the phone to her ear, her other hand covering her eyes, Mia leaned forward and rested her head against his chest. Instead of reacting to the surprise he felt, Ethan did what came naturally and wrapped her slim frame in his arms. He tightened his hold when a muffled sob escaped her. He heard Luke talk to her, his voice steady, soothing her from afar. And with his arms around her, Ethan hoped he gave her even more comfort.

“Mia, I’ll come up if you want me to . . .” Luke said.

“No.”

“Mia.”

“I can’t have you see me like this.”

“Why not? You’re my best friend. I want to be there for you.”

“I need to be able to look you in the eye after this. It’s bad enough that you know.”

“I want you to talk to me. Stop hiding from me. You’ve barely spoken to me since I surprised you in April. I’ll always be here for you. Know that, okay?”

“I do. I’ve just been lost.”

From the pain he still heard in her voice and the hot tears falling onto his chest, Ethan had a feeling Mia was still lost.

“Oh, sweets! Who’s there with you?”

“Uh,” she started, wiping away the tears. “Clark and Marty. Allie and Ethan. Monday I have an appointment with a therapist.”

“Good,” Luke said, echoing Ethan’s thoughts. Getting her to a therapist was a victory, albeit a small one. At least she’d be getting help.

How he wished it could be him helping her. But this was beyond him. Something from her past had dug itself deep and wasn’t letting go. She didn’t know what to do. She was spiraling out of control and needed guidance.

“Yeah,” she said hesitantly.

“It will be, Mia. Talk. Cry. Do what you need to when you see her. Get this out of you so you can find my best friend. She’s missed . . . and not just by me.”

“How is Kaitlyn? Does, um . . . does she know?”

“She knows you were in the hospital. I’ve downplayed why.”

Mia cried harder, her voice broken as she tried to speak, like the words she wanted to say were knives in her throat. “I’ll understand if you don’t want me to see her anymore.”

Oh, Mia,
Ethan thought. How that thought must have been eating away at her.

“Mia—no. That’s not happening. You will continue to be a huge part in her life. Okay?”

“Mm-hmm,” she answered, clutching at Ethan’s shirt. He rubbed her back, hoping to comfort her because if this conversation was hurting him, it was ten times worse for Mia.

“I love you,” Luke continued. “Kaitlyn loves you. You are our family and we are here for you. Whenever that may be.”

“I love you, too.”

“I’m going to let you go now. Promise to call me next week.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Bye, sweets.”

“Bye, Luke.”

She slipped the phone from her ear and ended the call. The phone fell to her lap and now with her other hand free she snaked it around his neck and sought her comfort. He used that opportunity to pull her onto his lap all the way and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t resist. Months he had wanted to hold her like this again, feel her body against his. She rested her cheek against his collarbone, her nose in his throat.

“Thank you for being here. I didn’t say that earlier. I was a bitch, but I need you to know after everything, I’m glad, so very glad that you are here,” she sniffed. “God, Ethan. I’m so sorry.”

He hugged her tighter. “Talk to me, Mia. Whatever you want.”

“I’ve missed you,” she said, her breath hot against his neck.

“I’ve missed you, too,” Ethan admitted. He had wondered if she had during these few months apart.

She pulled back just enough to look up at him, a small smile flirted with her mouth. “You did?”

“Yes—”

“Ethan, your limo is here,” Allie called from the kitchen.

Shit!
He completely forgot about the fucking thing.

“Wait! You’re leaving?” Mia exclaimed from his lap, her grip on his shirt tightening.

“Tell the driver I’ll be there in ten minutes,” he called to Allie before turning to face Mia. Her dark, stormy eyes bespoke her fear. He hated that he had to leave her.

“Ethan?”

He regarded her sad face, her cheeks tear-stained, lips puffy, standing out against her pale skin. Cupping her face, he did what he dreamed of so often these past few months—he kissed her. He gently touched her lips with his, increasing the pressure when her lips thankfully moved against his, her soft breath hitting his mouth. Knowing she wanted this kiss too had him pulling her closer, her body flush against his so that he could feel her strong heartbeat that proved she was alive.

Ethan broke the kiss but not before placing a soft peck on each corner of her mouth, the tip of her nose, her closed eyelids, and finally stopping with her forehead where he held his lips upon her soft skin, breathing her in, one last time.

“I’ve got to go back to New York. I left a huge mess there,” he said as he held her to his chest.

“That’s a bunch of shit! Why are you leaving me? Why are you walking away?” she cried out.

Why couldn’t she have just believed him and accepted what he said? Why did she have to be so damn insightful?

“Because . . . I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to leave you. This is hell saying goodbye but I have to—for you. I can’t stand in your way. I need to let you go. You were right from the beginning when you broke off our engagement. Nothing has changed. Those reasons . . . they’re still valid.”

Mia started to protest, but he put his lips to hers, silencing her. She tried to move away but the plea in his eyes stopped her.

“Don’t ever doubt that I love you. You are the love of my life. I need you. God,” he said, putting his forehead to hers, “I need you so much, but I need for you to give me all of you. Does that even make sense?”

After a long silence, a single tear fell from her eye. She knew.

“For you to be happy with me, you first need to be happy with yourself. You need to let go of that agony that holds you down and you need to do it without me, otherwise you won’t. I distract you. I make things better, which is all I want to do for you. But I feel this is the way,” he said, smoothing her hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. He then kissed the spot where her hair had touched her face. “And right now, Mia, you are not happy. That pain is still in here,” he said, taking two fingers and pointing at her chest before flattening out his hand and resting it above her heart. “That pain . . . it needs to go. That’s what you need to work on. You’re still not ready to face it. You’re still hiding—still struggling. I only distract you from that pain, but it’s still there. I can see it. It’s like a cloud that constantly surrounds you. I’m so afraid that one of these days it’s going to consume you until there is nothing left.”

His hand snaked up her chest to her face where he cupped her cheek. His eyes raked over her features, her face covered in sadness and a small frown touched his lips before he spoke again. “That pain is the reason for your overdose. I almost lost you for real yesterday. I can’t have that. I can’t fucking lose you. I would rather walk away from you than have you gone from this Earth forever.”

He hated seeing the tears falling from her eyes. Hated that he was really going to leave her.

“Can you do something for me, suga?”

She sniffed, wiping at her tears before she nodded. Ethan waited until her gaze fell on his face before speaking. “Do the therapy. Talk to the doctor. Get yourself better. And when you can handle it, call me, okay?”

“Okay,” came her faint reply.

“I love you, Mia. Don’t ever doubt that. It’ll always be the case. Forever.”

She squeezed her eyes shut and bit down on her quivering lip and with an exhale, she spoke the words that always grounded him. “I love you, too.”

“Good. Now fix you and come back to me, okay?”

She nodded, more tears streaming down her face. Ethan wondered when was the last time he actually saw her happy, that he saw her without tears. He couldn’t even remember.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, he stood up with her still in his arms. He didn’t want to put her down. But he did. She glanced around the room and then held out her hand. He thankfully took it and let her walk him to the door. He stood on the porch and turned to face her and when he did, the words came pouring out.

“Ethan, I’m so sorry about everything. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry that I did. I’m sorry that you had to see me like this. I know you didn’t sign up for this. You are such a wonderful man. You don’t deserve to deal with my mess of a life—”

“Stop. There. Don’t tell me what I deserve. I decide that. Stop taking the choice away from me. Right here. Right now. I still want you, Mia. I want you in my life. I want you as my wife. I want to grow old with you, have those five beautiful children with you. I’m giving you the space you need so we can get to that. Because we will. You are it for me, suga. You are my—”

“Everything,” she finished for him.

“Yeah. My everything. You’ll always be.”

Mia closed the distance between them, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing him. This wasn’t like their earlier kiss. No, this kiss held the passion he loved in her, the I’m-gonna-take-what-I-want attitude.

And she took and he gave her his all.

She broke away from him, inhaling a deep breath. He did the same. She took a few steps back until she was against the door. “Ethan . . . goodbye.”

“Bye, suga.”

He walked down the steps, holding her hand until he had to let go, his gaze not leaving her until his hand did. He hurried down the steps to the waiting limo and got in and left.