Steeling My Haart (12 page)

        
“We
went out for three years during school, and even though I was the valedictorian
of our graduating year, I had no desire to go to college and learn more. I
didn’t want or need the finer things in life like I have now.
 
All I wanted was Charlie. I found a job
I loved in a local law office and he was working part-time in his Uncle Hank’s
body shop and taking extra jobs where he could and we were so close to being
able to afford to buy our own place.
 
I was so happy, head over heels in love and looking forward to a happy
future with him. Then he started dropping hints that I should go to college.
Study law and make something of myself. I only agreed because he promised me if
I got into law school he would come with me and we would be happy together as I
studied. I applied, got offers from everywhere, and chose Harvard. Mainly
because I had been offered a full scholarship and also a bursary from the
company I was working for in Edmond. If he found work near the campus, we would
be fine financially until I graduated. But the night I was going to break the
news to Charlie, the storm hit and I was nearly killed. It demolished my
parents’ house and obliterated everything in its path, including the garage and
the trailer park he lived in with his mom. He risked his own life to save me. I
owe him everything, yet I hate him so badly right now.” She stopped, overcome
with emotion and blew out a long breath trying to keep the tears at bay but
feeling so relieved to be finally talking.

        
Bruce
was visibly shocked and as Emma paused, he swept his hands down his face,
shaking his head slightly he cursed, “Fucking hell, Emma.”

        
“We
made it to the neighbors abandoned property and into her storm shelter just
before the first tornado ripped through the neighborhood.
 
I got caught in the strong winds, and
had he not risked his life again I’d have died, but he somehow managed to grab
me and get me into the shelter and we spent the night there.” She emphasized
the word ‘again,’ rolling her shoulders and moving her head from side to side
to try relieve the tension that lay there. She was trying hard to bring herself
around from the multitude of emotions that were running wild as she was recounting
the story. “I will never forget that night.
 
I was scared and I don’t know if it was
the adrenalin pumping or the fact I just wanted to forget everything that was
going on outside, but I begged him to make love to me.
 
It was our first time, and honestly, it
was perfect.” She blushed and a timid smile crept across her face as she
remembered. “He was amazing and I fell even more deeply in love with him. Then
morning came, and he had gone. A few minutes after I had woken, a state sheriff
came knocking on the shelter door and told me he had seen Charlie who had
directed him to where I was sleeping.
 
He let me get up and dressed and explained how he had been sent to
rescue me and take me to safety. I will never forget the look on that kind officer’s
face, as he had to break it to me that everything was gone, including Charlie.
Our entire town had been almost wiped from existence. My parent’s house was
flattened and I saw Charlie’s truck crushed under debris but no sign of him
anywhere. All I was left with were the clothes on my back and a night of now
painful memories. Then as I got out of the cruiser, the sheriff handed me a
letter. It was just one small piece of paper tucked in an old yellowed envelope
but it utterly destroyed my life. He said that he had tried to convince Charlie
to go with him not long before he came to find me. He had refused and the officer
explained he had headed toward the highway a mile or so down the road straight
after he had handed it to him to pass on.”
         

        
“What
about your parents? And Charlie’s mom?” he probed.

        
“They
were out of town, fortunately, and I managed to get word to my mom and dad that
I was okay after the officer took me to the sports center in the neighboring
town. Charlie had already called them, though, and let them know I was safe so
they didn’t worry.”

        
“So,
what happened then? What was in the letter?” Bruce was immersed in the story
now rolling easily from Emma’s lips.

        
“I
still have the letter. After everything that happened, I’ve still got the fucking
thing. I keep it in my purse like the stupid idiot I am. It’s a constant
reminder of how bad things were I guess. Some comfort it has been for me after
all these years, though, but in a sick and twisted way it somehow keeps me
rooted to the happy time in my life. I don’t know, but I think it almost
represents the reason I’m stuck in the shitty rut I am in life, too. It also
reminds me daily to carry on with this bullshit life I’m leading now. You know,
in case he ever comes back.” She scrambled off the couch and headed to the
bedroom, pulling the now tattered piece of paper from her purse and unfolding
it.
 
She handed it to Bruce and he
took it reluctantly, almost too scared to look at the contents, as if somehow
he was breaking a confidence by reading it.

        
“I
know after all these years, I’m just foolish for thinking he will ever come
back to me, but it’s all I know and the only thing that has kept me moving
forward.” She paused, looking at him and nodding her head to encourage his
reluctant eyes to focus on the letter. “Go ahead. It says it better than I can
right now. I know it word for word. I need a break from this for a minute. I’m
exhausted.” Emma sipped at the brandy again and walked over to the window,
gazing distractedly into the night.

        
As
she reached the window she turned to look at him. Bruce hesitantly glanced down
and looked at the scrawled handwritten note and over his shoulder she could see
the words Charlie has written as he began to read the letter she knew by heart:

 
My darling Emma,

        
By
the time you read this letter I will be gone. I won’t apologize for leaving you
because, sweetheart, it is the best thing for both of us. Please believe me
when I say that the last three years with you have been the most perfect years
of my life. I am always going to be grateful for being able to spend that
precious time with you. I don’t know how I am going to survive without you, but
for you to be able to become the woman you deserve to be, I need to walk away.
I am nothing but a burden to you and will never be able to provide you with the
kind of amazing life you deserve. You are the most incredible, beautiful, and
talented person I will ever know. I hope your heart will forgive me. You need
to be strong now and go and live your life, as you deserve to live it.

        
I
know you will hate me for what I’m doing, but please remember our time together
as a happy time and don’t taint the rest of your life with the sadness that me
leaving will bring. Go to college, work hard and be the best you can be. You
deserve so much more than anything I am capable of giving you. All I want is
for you to be happy and I can only offer you my heart. I don’t have the means
to give you anything else and I doubt I ever will.

        
You
will never be far from my thoughts, Em, and will always be in my heart. It
beats for you every day, and I promise I will try and become a better man. If I
ever make enough of myself, then I’ll come and find you. If you are happy then
I’ll leave, but either way I’m not giving up until I am the man you can be
proud of.

        
I
don’t want you to wait for me forever and I don’t know what the future will
hold for either of us but yours looks far better right now without me in it.

        
Last
night was the most amazing might of my life and I know from the bottom of my
broken heart that I will never experience anything like that again.
 
Thank you for giving me the sweetest
memories to keep.
 
Now make my
dreams come true, sweetheart and be happy.

        
Love
you always.

        
Charlie
x

        
“Fuck,
Emma. I don’t know what to say,” Bruce exclaimed as he looked up and took in
the solitary figure in front of the huge window.
 
She felt so lost and fragile standing
there, nursing the tumbler in her hands, the oversized blanket still wrapped
around her shoulders.

        
“You
want to know the worst of it? If it wasn’t bad enough he left me like that,
especially on the same night my family and me lost everything else. Our house
was destroyed, all our personal possessions, including all of my photos and
mementos of Charlie gone, too. Then as we were getting back on our feet, after
sorting everything out, I’d decided I ought to go so school.
 
It’s not every day you are presented with
an opportunity to go to college. There was literally nothing left and this was
a huge positive that came out of all the destruction. Things were finally
starting to look up after the hardest two months of my life. Then out of the
blue, I found out I was pregnant. We’d not used any protection that night, and
I’d forgotten to have my script for the pill renewed. Charlie had made it clear
he wanted to wait until we were settled until we moved to the next step so I
thought it wouldn’t be an issue until we were living together. I never went
back to the doctors’ office after my first lot of pills ran out.” She confessed
as the big fat tears rolled down her cheeks.

        
“Jesus,
Em, what happened to the baby? I didn’t know you have a child.”

        
Sniffing
loudly, she turned to him, sadness widening her eyes. “I lost it. I had no idea
I was pregnant until I started bleeding quite heavily one evening and when the
pain started, my mom rushed me to the ER. They confirmed I was miscarrying and
there was nothing they could do about it.
 
I deserved it, but that poor baby didn’t. I was letting myself waste
away and hadn’t been eating or sleeping. A couple of weeks after Charlie left,
I went on a real bender and ended up almost drinking myself to death just
trying to deal with everything. I guess that, with the fact I’d been letting
myself go, was just too much for the poor thing.” Her voice cracked and the
floodgates opened once more. Jumping from the sofa, Bruce hurried over to her
and caught her just as she collapsed to the floor. Lifting her gently into his
arms again, he took her over and sat with her on his lap, just holding her,
gently kissing her hair and softly rubbing her now heaving back.

        
They
sat there in silence for over an hour. Emma had composed herself enough to
speak again, still leaning on Bruce as if needing the support. As she spoke her
voice was shaky and laced with emotion but she continued, “Losing the baby made
me realize that I needed another purpose in my life. It was like it highlighted
to me that the only connection I still had to Charlie was now broken, and I had
to move on. Even though I hadn’t known about it nor had time to really digest
what was happening, the whole episode hit me hard. I blamed myself for a long
time over that loss, despite the medical experts and my parents saying that it
was probably nothing more than a coincidence. I still feel responsible but I
decided to quit wallowing, went to law school and, well, here I am. I have a
brilliant career and should be the happiest woman on the planet with all I have
achieved, but you were right at dinner when you said my life is empty. I just
go through the motions every day and have immersed myself in work for so long I
barely know how to live. I had my friend Lily’s two kids this last weekend and
it just brought home to me just how much I’ve not achieved. I have money, a
good job, and a lot of nice material things, but I only have Lily and my
parents, otherwise.” She was exhausted as she finished offloading her burden.

        
“Well,
I assure you that after tonight, you have me, too. I’m sorry for being an
asshole to you earlier, it’s the last thing you deserved, but you have given me
something that no one has for such a long time. You have let me be myself and
given me space to be just me.
 
I’m
Bruce Jenson, I’m gay and I’m so deeply in love with an amazing man called Lou.
You don’t know how much it means to me that you’ve listened to me and not
judged me. I have decided I’ve got to get Lou back. Listening to your story
made me realize that even if I lose everything else, I need him more and I
don’t want to waste another day without him,” he said with a newfound strength
and resolve.

        
“No,
thank you, Bruce. I’ve kept all of this bottled up for so long that you don’t
know how it feels to have this release and someone to talk to about it all. I
need to start to learn to live again and not just exist. I also need to realize
that it means I need to look forward and leave Charlie and his baggage way in
the past where it all belongs.”

        
Raising
his glass, Bruce proposed a toast, “To new found friendships and new
beginnings, hey, Emma?”

        
“To
new friends and new beginnings, cheers, Bruce.” Emma raised her glass and
emptied the tumbler. As she and Bruce were sitting on the sofa late that
evening she really seemed to have found a common ground with him. As the
weariness brought on by the events of the evening took its toll, she laid back
into Bruce’s platonic embrace. She reached out to hold him closely and fell
into an exhausted sleep right there on the couch, just as the dawn was starting
to break over the city.