Mission: Earth "Death Quest"

During my tenure as the Chairman of the Royal Board of Censors, I have been exposed to the wide range of tastes that span the 110 planets of our great Confederacy.

Yet nothing compares to this bizarre, fallacious account which deals with a completely fabricated planet called "Earth."

The Crown does not object to an author creating an imaginary world and populating it with equally imaginary characters. Nor does the Crown object to behavior and situations that strain the imagination, not to mention one's basic sense of morality. There is, however, a limit, a boundary, for even the fevered imagination. This work has crossed that line.

The Crown strenuously objects to the unauthorized use of actual persons such as Royal officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak to imply that "Earth" exists and that Heller might have been sent there on the orders of the Grand Council. However, "Earth" does not exist, and that takes care of that.

Additionally, the author's irresponsible description of a process that would otherwise be known as "judicial" also pressed the Crown's patience to the limit. There is no such "legal system" anywhere within the

known worlds. What is described in this work bears no resemblance to anything rational and could not possibly exist. The reader must keep that in mind. The law is the mortar between the building blocks of society. A "legal system" permitting people to "sue" merely to seek a large "settlement" as described in this work would become so clogged with "suits" that it would take a person years to seek justice. And what kind of "justice" would such a system allow? So away with that fantasy!

The debased attitude toward sex on this nonexistent planet called "Earth" has already drawn the ire of the Crown. Nothing more will be said.

If this work teaches anything, it teaches what happens when one writes about a nonexistent world such as this "Earth."

There is NO planet "Earth."

That is the only rational attitude to take.

Lord Invay

Royal Historian

Chairman, Board of Censors

Royal Palace

Voltar Confederacy

By Order of

His Imperial Majesty

Wully the Wise

Hello again!

This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the Robot-brain in the Translatophone.

Lord Invay's remark about the American legal system reminds me of the problem that I had in translating this work. First, I can't fathom how a coat and matching pants or skirt could be a legal "suit."

Further, these "suits" are found in what Southerners say is a "coathouse" but spell as "courthouse." I compromised and spelled it "cohthouse." I was tempted to spell it "cathouse" for what really goes on, but while it may be a more accurate description, it sadly misses the pronunciation.

Speaking of accents, I also had to deal with Dr. Crobe, who is a crazy Voltarian cellologist pretending to be a psychiatrist (which automatically qualifies him as a double nutcase) who has an accent that sounds like an Austrian being strangled. But since nobody really understands what a psychiatrist is talking about anyway, it really doesn't matter what he sounds like.

Meanwhile, all of this is really the confession of Apparatus officer Soltan Gris, as dictated by him in a jail cell. I won't even begin to estimate how many logic circuits fused or warped when I tried to get my wits L. RON HUBBARD around the life style of this nonexistent planet called Earth.

Frankly, if Fleet Officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak did go to Earth to arrest the pollution so a Vol-tarian invasion force could later safely conquer the planet, I don't see how they kept their sanity while they were there.

Soltan Gris is another matter. He acts more and more like he's from Earth, rather than Voltar. Maybe that's because he spent so much time there studying psychology tricks from Sigmund Freud and Bugs Bunny. Or it could be that he is simply so criminal that he was more at home on what appears to be a prison planet. After all, Gris's whole task was to stop Heller and keep Heller from learning that the head of the Apparatus, Lombar Hisst, was obtaining Earth drugs to overthrow the Vol-tarian Confederacy.

Don't ask me to make any more sense of it. But I will include a Key to this volume. That's more help than I got from Soltan Gris.

Sincerely,

54 Charlee Nine

Robotbrain in the Translatophone

Activator-receiver-See
Bugging Gear.

Afyon-City in Turkey where the
Apparatus
has a secret mountain base.

Agnes, Miss-Personal aide to Delbert John
Rockecenter.

Apparatus, Coordinated Information-The secret police of
Voltar,
headed by Lombar
Hisst
and manned by criminals.

Atalanta-Home province of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak
on the planet
Manco.

Bang-Bang Rimbombo-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob. He also attends Jettero
Heller's
college Army ROTC classes in place of Heller at
Empire
University
.

Biggs, Stonewall-Virginia county clerk who issued Jettero
Heller
a birth certificate in the name of Delbert John
Rockecenter, Junior.
Heller saved Biggs's life when the courthouse was bombed.

Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist who implanted Jettero
Heller,
the Countess
Krak
and Dr.
Crobe.
(See
Bugging Gear
and
Cellology.)

Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito. It is on the
Invasion Timetable
as a future way stop on
Voltar's
route toward the center of this galaxy.

Blueflash-A bright blue flash of light which produces unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.

Bugging Gear-Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan
Gris
had implanted in Jettero
Heller,
the Countess
Krak
and Dr.
Crobe.
Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything they see or hear. The signals are picked up by the
Activator-receiver
that Gris carries. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the
831 Relayer
is turned on and boosts the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.

Bury-Delbert John
Rockecenter's
most powerful attorney. Candy Licorice-Lesbian "wife" to Miss
Pinch.

Cellology-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.

Code Break-Violation of a section of the Space Code prohibiting the alerting of others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator

is put to death. The purpose is to maintain the security of the
Invasion Timetable.

Confederacy-See
Voltar.

Coordinated Information Apparatus-See
Apparatus.

Crobe,
Dr.-Apparatus
cellologist who delights in making freaks. He was brought to Earth by Soltan
Gris
to further disrupt Jettero
Heller's
mission.

EmpireUniversity-Where Jettero
Heller
is taking classes in New York City.

Epstein, Izzy-Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero
Heller
to set up and run several corporations to handle Heller's finances.

Eyes and Ears of Voltar-An electronics store on
Voltar
where Soltan
Gris
stole boxes of sophisticated equipment that he brought to Earth. The Countess
Krak
ransacked Gris's supply, taking a wide variety of items for her trip to the United States.

F. F. B. O.-Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising/public relations firm in the world.

Fleet-The elite space fighting arm of
Voltar
to which Jettero
Heller
belongs and which the
Apparatus
despises.

Grafferty, "Bulldog"-A crooked New York City police inspector.

Grand Council-The governing body of
Voltar
which

ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the
Invasion Timetable.

Gris, Soltan-
Apparatus
officer placed in charge of the
Blito-P3
(Earth) Section and an enemy of Jettero
Heller.
He was sent to Earth by Lombar
Hisst
to sabotage Heller's mission.

Heller, Jettero-Combat engineer and Royal officer of the
Fleet,
sent by order of the
Grand Council
on Mission Earth in order to save Earth from its own imminent self-destruction by pollution and nuclear holocaust. He is operating on Earth under the name of Jerome Terrance
Wister.

Hisst, Lombar-Head of the
Apparatus.
His plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan
Gris
to sabotage Jettero
Heller's
mission.

Hypnohelmet-Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.

Inkswitch-Phony name used by Soltan
Gris
when in the U. S., pretending to be a federal official.

Invasion Timetable-A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of
Vohar's
government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.

Krak, Countess-The sweetheart of Jettero
Heller.
On

Earth she is known by the name Heavenly Joy Krackle or "Miss Joy."

Lee, Harvey "Smasher"-A dishonest used-car dealer in Virginia who sold Jettero
Heller
a Cadillac shortly after Heller arrived in the United States.

Madison, J. Walter-F. F. B. O. PR man hired by
Bury
to "immortalize" Jettero
Heller,
who doesn't know about Madison's campaign; also known as "J. Warbler Madman."

Mamie Boomp-A former nightclub singer and now president and general manager of the Lucky Bonanza Casino Corporation in Atlantic City, owned by Jettero
Heller.

Manco-Home planet of Jettero
Heller
and the Countess
Krak.

Manco Devil-Mythological spirit native to
Manco.

Massacurovitch, Mortie-The crash-bang New York City taxi driver who taught Jettero
Heller
how to drive a cab in New York.

Meeley-Soltan Gra's landlady back on
Voltar.

Mudur Zengin-Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan Gra's funds.

Multinational-Name of umbrella corporation that Izzy
Epstein
set up to manage Jettero
Heller's
companies. It is located in the Empire State Building.

Mutazione, Mike-Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy Garage. He customized both the Cadillac and the vintage cab for Jettero
Heller..

Narcotic!, Faustino "The Noose"-Head of a Mafia Family that is the underworld outlet for drugs.

Octopus Oil-A Delbert John
Rockecenter
company that controls the world's petroleum.

Pinch, Miss-Lesbian sadist and Delbert John
Rockecenter
employee who lives with
Candy Licorice
and has $80,000 of Soltan Gro's money.

Pokantickle-Estate of Delbert John
Rockecenter,
located in Hairytown, New York.

Psychiatric Birth Control-A plan, funded by Delbert John
Rockecenter,
to reduce the world's population by promoting homosexuality.

Raht-An
Apparatus
agent on Earth who was assigned by Lombar
Hisst
to help Soltan
Gris
sabotage Jettero
Heller's
mission. His partner Terb was murdered.

Razza Louseini-Consigliere to mob chief Faustino "The Noose" Narcotici.

Rockecenter, Delbert John-Native of Earth who controls the planet's fuel, finances, governments and drugs.

Rockecenter, Junior, Delbert John-The false Earth name that Lombar
Hisst
arranged for Jettero
Heller
to use so that he would attract attention and be killed.

Simmons, Miss-An antinuclear fanatic who teaches at
Empire University.
She was dedicated to flunking Jettero
Heller
out of school until "handled" by the Countess
Krak.

Smith, John-An alias that Soltan
Gris
uses as a Delbert John
Rockecenter
employee.