Staying on Course (26 page)

“Oh my God,” I gag into my hand. Bryce’s eyes flash with concern, but he doesn’t even flinch.

“I never slept, Devon, and can tell you nothing happened on Bryce’s end. Early that morning, Liza started kissing along his chest and downward. She got close to pulling down his boxers, and he started groaning. Then he sat up, looking around. When he saw her on her knees, he jumped up cussing her out. She sat back, still naked, and told him to chill out. He threw on his clothes and left. After a few minutes, she started giggling and fell back on the mattress, reaching under his pillow and pulling out a phone. I assumed it was hers.

“I’m so sorry you heard what you did the way you did. We had no idea you were on speaker. I was ready to confront her but didn’t want to cause a scene in the bar. I was leaving to find Bryce to tell him what I witnessed the night before. Then he walked into the bar, and you know the rest.

“I can’t confirm, but I think she planned this. Heard Nicole get up and used that moment to try and seduce Bryce with a witness.”

I drop my head and try to stop myself from hyperventilating.

“Bye.” Bryce cuts the call and throws the phone to the floor.

“Here’s the clincher.” He leans back and locks eyes with me. “She didn’t know you were in town. She thought you were at home, hearing her spew her lies.”

“Why would she do this? What’s wrong with her?” My voice cracks.

“Nate and I think she had this planned. Her plan was detailed and elaborate. She assumed that you would cancel your trip and confront me by phone. I wouldn’t be able to dispute anything. She has the pictures and the witness in Nicole of her between my legs. If Dani hadn’t paid attention, I’d be more fucked.”

“She sent those pictures to me from your number. They are on your phone!”

“Liza forwarded them. I had no idea they existed until Nate told me. When I scrolled through my messages and saw them, my heart stopped. Hearing what she said and knowing you saw those… I can’t even explain what went through my mind.”

“This is sick.”

“Do you believe me that nothing happened?”

“Did you call her beautiful and talented?”

His already ashen face falls, and I know I’m not going to like the answer.

“Yes, but not in the way she portrayed.”

“Beautiful and talented can’t really be taken out of context.”

“I’m an idiot and take full blame.”

“Tell me all of it.”

“We all scheduled to meet for a drink after work Wednesday. There’s a bunch of us who have a college football pool going. Liza showed up, and she was torn up about a confrontation she had earlier with a colleague. She joined us, and by ten, we were the only two left. She unloaded on me, and I tried to reassure her she had a place in command. She said something along the lines of always feeling frumpy because of the uniform and being a slacker because she didn’t have a degree. I made an off handed comment that she was beautiful and talented and shouldn’t let people get to her.”

Somehow, even with the situation, this doesn’t upset me. That’s one of the reasons why I love Bryce; he respects hard work and always tries to boost self- confidence.

“Telling people the truth is a part of your charm,” I tell him honestly.

He hmpfts. “Yeah, until she turned it around on me.”

“That’s what I can’t understand. You’ve been manipulated before. You’ve seen the consequences. She’s been a problem since day one! I’ve told you repeatedly, but you kept making excuses for her. Goddammit, Bryce, I’m fucking furious! You may not have actually done anything with that skanky, nasty, calculating bitch, but you put yourself in a situation that allowed her to pounce. She’s been waiting for her chance. For months, we’ve had words about her. Even Nate knew she was up to no good, but you blew it off. What did you think would happen? Didn’t you see any of this?” I scream.

“No, I didn’t see it because she means nothing to me! I kept telling you that! I was a stupid, blind, fucking dumbass. No one hurts more than me right now. I hate myself for what I’ve allowed to happen,” he yells back, his face turning red. He balls his hands into fists and then pounds one on his knee.

We sit quietly, his heavy breathing filling the room.

“Tell me the rest. I need to hear it all,” I finally say.

He looks up, and his eyes pin mine. “I should have paid closer attention to you at Christmas. You were right to be suspicious.

“The night at Tommy’s was a blur. We’d had a great test procedure on the ship and were all hyped. We went to a bar, but then Tommy insisted we carry the party back to his house. I should have come home with Nate, but he had plans with Jamie, and I missed you so fucking much I didn’t want to be alone. Watching you on TV at the game with those guys seemed like a good idea. It’s always fun to brag about you being mine, so I accepted the invitation.

“We did shots all night. Liza was overly affectionate, but I tried to ignore her. I made the mistake of getting drunk. Somewhere along the line, I realized no one was surprised by her aggressive behavior. My mind was spinning, and I knew it wasn’t right, so I asked Tommy if I could crash. You know the rest. I swear to God, I don’t remember kissing her even if it was a peck. In my dreams, it was you. It’s always you. Your bright green eyes, the soft blonde hair, the pouty lips— you are all I dream of. I’m disgusted with myself.”

“Oh, Bryce.” I curl into my knees. His pain slashes through me, and I weaken a little, realizing we’re both victims here.

“Devon, can I come to the bed? I need to be near you.”

I don’t answer but nod, still lying in my fetal position.

He crawls in front of me, wraps his arms around me, and presses his body firmly against mine. We sit like this for a while, me trembling with rage, hurt, and hate. Several times, his breathing increases as he fights his own fury.

He squeezes then leans back, gently lifting my chin. His eyes swim in pure agony and anguish. I lean into his forehead and suck in hard, trying to control my breathing.

“Jealousy, envy, immaturity… whatever I felt toward her, you knew, and yet you still put yourself in a position for this to happen. That’s not fair to me. Regardless of her motives, I need to be able to trust you! I can’t go through this ever again. The thought of you both naked, her mouth on you while you got off, in the living room of people I thought were our friends?

“Do you have ANY idea what that did to me? Knowing you were with her at all?”

“I’m so sorry, baby. So fucking sorry. I should have listened to you. You were right the whole time. I misjudged the situation and did what I swore would never happen again. I swore you’d never hurt because of me. She’s officially out of my life. Forever. There’s no more pity or sympathy. She’s dead to me. Tell me you’re not leaving me.”

“I’m not leaving you,” I rasp. “I’m really fucking angry, but I’m not going anywhere.”

Without another word, he curls around me again and lets out a deep breath. Then he starts to shake. There are no tears, only silent cries of relief. I grip harder and sob into him. We don’t let go as we try to heal the heartbreak.

A cold cloth brushes over my face, and I blink rapidly, trying to open my swollen eyes. Bryce’s lips touch each eyelid softly, and he hushes me.

“Go back to sleep, angel.”

I finally get my eyes open and focused on Bryce leaning over me.

“I’m okay but thirsty.”

He reaches over and hands me a bottle of water. I drink eagerly until it’s empty. “What time is it?”

“Seven.”

“Pm or am?”

“Pm.”

“So it’s still New Years?”

“Technically,” he answers sadly.

My stomach growls embarrassingly loud, and I burrow in the pillow.

“Someone needs to eat.” Bryce kisses my stomach lightly.

“Do you have any peanut butter?”

He grins and lifts me up, carrying me into the kitchen. I smell the astringent scent of cleaner and faint Italian, and my hunger disappears.

“Oh my God. I need to clean your living room.” I remember the mess and scramble down.

“Jamie did it.”

“Poor Nate. I’ve made the worst impression on his girlfriend. She’s going to think I’m a nutcase.”

“No, she’s a tough woman and full of sweetness. He’s found a good one.”

I search his face, and for the first time, notice the bruising on his jaw. My fingers run lightly over the discoloration, and he flinches.

“My brother?”

“Yeah, but I deserved it and so much more.”

“What exactly happened?”

He sets me on the counter and reaches in the cabinet for peanut butter. I scrunch my nose when he tries to feed me a spoonful.

“You need to eat, babe.”

“I’ll eat after you tell me what happened.”

“I’ll make you a deal. You first. Tell me exactly what you’ve been holding back. Months of hiding the shit Liza planted in your head. I want to know it all.”

“I’d prefer to forget everything to do with that woman,” I mutter, focusing on the wall behind him.

“We will. She’s not in our lives anymore. I’m going to make sure she never, ever gets in your head again.”

I sigh and spill everything, from her nasty attitude to her implications and insinuations.

When I’m done, his body is stiff, and his face is hard. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“Because I’m a freaking idiot! I didn’t want to let her get to me.”

“But she did! She caused you to doubt me, to doubt us! Why?”

“Mom, Sheila, Quinn, Nicole, everyone said I had nothing to worry about. I needed to be strong!”

“But you broke. You broke under my watch because she’s a stupid, manipulative cunt. I thought I lost you! You should have talked to me!”

His nostrils flare, and his fists grip the hem of my sweatshirt. I feel small and stupid, knowing he’s right. “I’m sorry! Okay! I let her get to me!”

“Jesus.” He hangs his head and steps back.

I grab for him, but he slides away and punches another fist into the wall, making a matching indentation next to the other from this morning.

When he faces me, his expression is full of pure hatred and torment.

“I have to know you’ll talk to me! This could have been handled months ago! If I’d have known she was taunting you, flaming your insecurities, I could have fucking nipped this shit!” He does nothing to control the irritation in his tone.

“Wait a damn minute! Are you blaming me? Implying this is my fault? Because I did come to you! Several times, I pointed out she was a problem.” I start getting riled up. “And what’s with the fucking mercurial mood swing? If you’re mad, great, be mad! Be infuriated. I’m right here with you. But do not, under any circumstances, insinuate this was my fault. I feel emotionally violated. That bitch gutted me.”

He starts pacing and yanks at his hair. “I’m a fucking blind jackass!”

“Think we established this last night.”

“You don’t get it. How can someone who means nothing almost destroy my everything?” He stops moving and slumps into a chair, his whole body deflating.

Suddenly, I see it. She really meant nothing to him. He never shied away from loving me. He knew I was jealous but had no idea why because I didn’t tell him. He trusted me to tell him, and I failed. My anger disappears. Now I’m the jackass.

“I’m so sorry,” I repeat.

“You’re sorry?”

“Yes.”

“Why exactly are you sorry?”

“I should have talked to you. Instead of telling you how jealous I was at Christmas, I should have told you why.”

“You think?” He looks at me with the most crushing look he’s ever given me. “We’re supposed to be a team. I can’t do this if we’re not a team.”

My heart stops, and I hold my breath.

“I can’t be a ‘Shawn’,” he continues. “If you can’t tell me how you feel, how can I make it better? He ignored the signs, but did I?”

“No,” I disagree. “I tried to be strong, mature, even supportive. You never ignored me.”

“But you chose to live with the burning inside that made you question every time I was around her, didn’t you?”

I try to deny it, but the tear that falls betrays me.

“When did this start?”

“I felt uncomfortable when she glanced at us at graduation. Then when I came to visit the first time, I found the picture she sent to Nate of the two of you.”

“Over four fucking months?”

I nod hesitantly.

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me? I promised you that you’d never hurt because of me again. I failed you.”

I jump down and go straight to him. “I promise, Bryce, I’ll never hold back again.”

He shakes his head back and forth and hangs it between his arms. “I can’t be Shawn.” He repeats.

“You won’t be.” I crouch, trying to see his face.

“I will! You leave me for something like that, I’d turn to the bottle and not care. We HAVE to be stronger than this, Devon! You promised me we’d talk when things got tough. What happened?”

I close my eyes and swallow hard. He blames himself, and it’s my fault. “Never again.”

“How can I trust that?” he asks, rejected.

I melt and press myself into his arms. He doesn’t grab hold like normal, and I start to panic. Then I nuzzle into his neck. He still doesn’t respond. “I hurt,” I admit. “But when she said she had your ‘dick in her mouth’, I saw black. My life was pathetic without you. I promise to talk to you about every small, insignificant detail for the rest of our lives, even if the women in the nursing home hit on you.”

He rumbles something under his breath and finally reacts. “You’ll never understand how much I love you. For months, I’ve told you, tried to reassure you that my heart is yours. You said you believed me. You said you loved me, too. How did we get here, to this hell where you think I’d cheat and lose you?”

“I think I know how much you love me.”

“Yes, you know how much I love you, but do you know how much I love us? Do you finally understand?”

It hits me full force. The light finally shines, and I get it. For the first time in our relationship, I realize Bryce’s vulnerability is as strong as mine. Each time he declares I’m his, he’s reassuring us both. Somewhere along the way, I lost that direction and let self-doubt creep in and plague my securities. Things are now crystal clear.