Starting From Scratch (33 page)

any gods who would listen for my grandmother’s amazing

sense of planning. She had everything written out for me,

right down to the hymns she preferred to have sung at her

service. I don’t remember much about the wake on

Monday or the interment on Tuesday. I shook endless

hands and withstood countless hugs from elderly people I

knew and many I didn’t. e entire staff of her residence

home came by to offer their condolences. Grandma’s coffee

klatch/bridge club members were devastated and pulled

me into one emotional hug after another as they wept. I

smiled (I think) as best I could and I managed not to break

down in front of my grandmother’s friends. Elena stood by

my side the entire time, whisking me away if she thought I

needed some air, zipping me to the restroom if she

suspected I might crumble.

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e thing I remember most, odd as it sounds, is the

numbness. For the most part, I remember feeling nothing.

I wonder if that’s your brain’s way of protecting you and

helping you get through such difficult procedures; maybe it

just shuts off any and all feeling so you can survive the day

without going to pieces in front of strangers. Whatever the

reason, I was grateful. I’d spent much of the weekend

mourning so that by the time the wake arrived, I didn’t

think I had any moisture left in my body to cry out.

Grandma’s casket was all set to be lowered into the

ground as the brief service at the cemetery ended. She was

well-loved, as evidenced by the dozens of people gathered

around the gravesite and I felt a deep sense of pride. e

day was sunny and beautiful, balmy but with the distinctive

scent of leaves and earth in the air, warning of the

impending fall. It was my favorite season and Grandma’s as

well, and I was suddenly very sad she would miss it. I

blinked back the mist that covered my eyes. Apparently, I

did still have some moisture left.

My fingers were warm, as they’d been entwined with

Elena’s for the entire service and I’d never been so thankful

for something solid in my entire life. I felt like she’d been

giving me strength all day, channeling it through our hands

like an electric current. She tugged me off to the side so

that others could step to Grandma’s casket and pay their

final respects. I let out an enormous breath, knowing that

the worst was past and that now we’d just go back to

Grandma’s apartment complex where they had a buffet set

up in the common room. Elena must have read my face

because she pulled me into a hug, squeezing me tightly and

murmuring to me to hang in there a little longer, that it

was just about over.

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I was burrowing into her embrace, inhaling the

wonderful smell of her, when I felt her body stiffen slightly.

I lifted my head from her shoulder and looked up at her

face.

“What?”

“I’m not sure, but…” Her voice drifted off and I

followed her gaze back toward my grandmother’s plot

where people were slowly sifting away. A woman stood

there with her back to us, maybe ten or fifteen feet from

where we were. Her hair was an unremarkable shade of

brown, pulled back into a chignon at the nape of her neck.

She was petite, maybe five three or four, and was dressed

smartly in a black suit and simple black pumps.

“Who is that?” I asked, my voice a whisper even as a

strange feeling uncoiled slowly in my stomach, like a snake

preparing to strike.

I felt rather than saw Elena shake her head. “I’m not

sure…” ere was something she wasn’t saying, but rather

was waiting for me to catch up.

e woman pulled a handkerchief from her black

clutch purse and pressed it to her face, then gently placed a

single white rose on the casket. When she turned around

and I could see her face, my breath caught in my throat

and I felt as if my heart suddenly stopped beating.

ough I didn’t look a lot like her, there were certain

unmistakable similarities. Our cheekbones were set the

same. Our eyebrows slanted upwards at identical angles.

e bow-like shape of her upper lip was very much like

mine.

“Oh, my God,” I heard Elena whisper behind me as

the woman stopped in her tracks less than six feet away,

her tear-filled hazel eyes widening. Her smile was friendly

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and sad at the same time. She took one tentative step

towards me and stopped, like she was afraid to get too

close.

“Hello, Avery,” my mother said, her voice gentle,

unfamiliar yet part of me.

I had no words. e hell with words, I had no air. I

stared, partially in disbelief, but also with some semblance

of relief, as I’d known somewhere deep down inside my

soul that this would happen one day.

I simply blinked at her. It was all I could manage.

“You’re…” She studied me, her eyes still wet. Now,

instead of sorrow, they shone with happiness, with pride.

“You’re so beautiful. God. I mean, I knew you were, but

seeing you in person like this…” She searched, finally

settling on, “You look just like your grandmother,” which

was, of course, exactly the right thing to say in that

moment.

I swallowed and I think I tried to speak, but nothing

would come. I just stood there like a mute idiot. Elena,

bless her heart, stepped in for me and held out her hand,

keeping her other one still linked with mine.

“Hi. I’m Elena Walker.”

My mother shook hands with her and if she was

surprised by our linked hands, she didn’t show it. “It’s nice

to meet you, Elena, though I wish it were under better

circumstances. I’m Samantha Carter.”

Elena nodded, reclaimed her hand, and stood beside

me again, her grip on
my
hand tightening as I stood

silently, trying to digest the sudden appearance of

Samantha Carter—my mother—after thirty years of

absence. I wondered if there were hidden cameras

somewhere, if this was simply one big cosmic joke being

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played on me by some higher power. Maybe I was being

Punk’d.

“Look, I know this must be very weird for you,” she

said.

I was glad to see Samantha Carter’s smile held a slight

awkwardness. I didn’t want to be the only one who felt like

she was suddenly in the wrong dimension.

She opened her clutch purse and took out a small

piece of paper, folded in half. “is is where I am. I’d love

to get together and talk, but I understand that you might

need some time to think about it. Your grandmother said

you were very smart and very stubborn, just like somebody

else she knew.” Her smile was sad and her eyes filled. “I

have to go. Avery…”

She lifted her hand and I think she wanted to touch

me, but thought better of it at the last minute (for which I

was grateful), her arm dropping back down to her side.

“I’m very sorry about your grandma. She loved you very

much.”

As one tear spilled over, she turned and walked

quickly to the parking area, leaving me standing there filled

with too many conflicting emotions to count.

1

Silence.

Blessed silence.

I wondered if there was anything so wonderful as I

flopped down onto my couch that evening after having

changed out of my funeral attire and into shorts and a T-

shirt.

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“I hope the house doesn’t catch on fire,” I said absently

as Elena puttered in the kitchen.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t think I have the energy to get up and escape.

I’d just lie here and let myself fry.”

Elena came in chuckling and handed me a glass of

wine.

“Oh, you are a goddess,” I said as I managed to wiggle

into a semi-sitting position and take the wine from her.

“You probably say that to all the girls.”

“Only the ones with nice asses who bring me wine.”

She lifted my feet and set them in her lap as she sat.

“What a day, huh?”

“Welcome to Understatement 101,” I snorted as I

reluctantly zeroed in on the one thing I’d been trying to

keep from surfacing. I shook my head slowly. “I can’t

believe she showed up out of the blue like that.” My brain

tossed me an image of Samantha Carter’s tear-filled hazel

eyes.

“It wasn’t exactly out of the blue, honey. Her mother

died.”

“Yeah, that’s another thing I’m having trouble with.”

Samantha Carter had said,
Your grandmother said you were

very smart and very stubborn, just like somebody else she knew.

It was pretty obvious by that statement alone that

Grandma and her daughter had been in contact. I thought

about the small scrap of paper she’d handed me that

contained her home address, phone number, and e-mail

address. “How could Grandma not tell me she knew my

mother was in Syracuse all this time? An hour and a half

away and I had no idea. And how long did Grandma

know? Always? Why wouldn’t she tell me that?”

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“You could ask your mother,” Elena suggested quietly.

“Yeah, maybe I’ll add that to the list of things I’ve

wanted to ask her for the past three decades, starting with

what kind of mother abandons her four-year-old?” I sighed

and took a too-large gulp of wine.

We sat quietly for long moments. I leaned my head

back on the arm of the couch and closed my eyes, my

thoughts swirling around in my head like a daiquiri in a

blender. Elena kept me silent company and when I opened

my eyes again, she was looking at me.

I stared back at her.

Her gaze stayed on me as she sipped her wine, as if

she was trying to read something in my face. “What are

you thinking?”

“Well, let’s see,” I said, pursing my lips and debating.

“I’m thinking I’m exhausted and I’m sad and I miss my

grandma terribly already. I’m also thinking that I’m ecstatic

that this day is over. I couldn’t take one more hug from a

distraught elderly person without suffering a breakdown.

I’m thinking I’m going to put Samantha Carter into a box

and give myself a break on that front, at least for tonight

because I just don’t want to think about it any more.

And…” I sipped my wine, realizing suddenly that yes, I

was going to go there. “I’m wondering what you’re still

doing here.” I said it lightly; I wasn’t angry, but I was

intensely curious.

Elena gave a slow nod, gazing into her wine glass with

what seemed like great concentration. Several moments

went by and I really started to think she wasn’t going to

respond at all, when she said quietly, “I was a jerk.”

“You were?”

“at night. After we saw Lauren in the restaurant.”

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“Oh. Yeah. You were. Not as big a jerk as
she
was, but

yeah.”

She set her wine down on the end table and covered

my bare feet with her hands, kneading them as she spoke,

her focus on them. “It’s just…I started to worry. About

Max. About myself, too, but mostly about Max. It’s been so

hard, you know? To be the nurse when Cindy gives him yet

another boo-boo on his heart. A little piece of mine breaks

off every time I have to make an excuse for her, every time

I have to explain to him that it’s just how she is, that he

didn’t do anything wrong, that she
does
love him. I’m

terrified of bringing somebody else into his life that could

end up breaking his heart all over again.”

I wanted to say something, but at the same time, I was

afraid to break the spell she seemed to be under. Instead, I

watched her and I waited.

“And then I met you,” she went on, glancing at me and

favoring me with a small smile. “And you were amazing

and you were beautiful and I was lost…” Her eyes turned

up toward the ceiling and when she spoke, it was a near-

whisper, almost as if she was speaking to herself and not

me. “God, I fell for you so hard and so fast I thought my

head would spin clean off my shoulders.”

My wide smile appeared all on its own. I had nothing

to do with it.

“And my son…he fell for you, too. He adores you,

Avery.”

“I adore him,” I said simply.

“I started to worry that it was all too good to be true

and we went to dinner and Lauren showed up and said

what she said…” Her voice trailed off.

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“And suddenly it
was
too good to be true,” I finished

for her.

“Sure seemed like it.” She dug her fingers into the arch

of my foot and my eyes drifted closed for a moment,

relishing her hands on my skin.

“Exes,” I said finally, shaking my head. “Even when

they’re gone, they can mess with you.”

“Or freak you out just a little.” At my questioning

look, Elena said sheepishly, “It was actually Cindy who