Standing Strong (19 page)

‘I hope so.' Damien turned finally to Jacqueline. ‘So, Jacqueline, it'll be great to have transport again. I still feel awful …'

‘Don't. It's certainly not your fault,' Jacqueline cut in. ‘And, yes, I hadn't quite realised how not having a car cramps your style around here. Though, of course, Ethel's been great. It'll just be nice to be able to be spontaneous again.'

‘And to celebrate, we're going to do a few wineries, op shops and antiques stores tomorrow after the house hunting,' Eileen said.

‘That sounds like fun,' Ethel said.

‘Would you like to come along?' Eileen asked.

‘Oh, no. Thank you, but I couldn't. I'll come and have a nosey at houses with you, but I've, um, got a few things on later in the day. Not really my thing anyway, I don't think.'

‘I'm not sure it's mine either,' Philip said.

‘Oh, come on, Dad, you loved it last time,' Jacqueline said. Damien was pleased to see her finally light up a bit.

‘The wineries, maybe, but the op shops and antiques shops played havoc with my sinuses.'

‘Oh, come on,' Jacqueline teased.

‘Yes, since when do you have sinus trouble, Philip? What rot!' Eileen added, with a
pfft
.

‘Well, why don't you girls go and send Philip out to visit Damien?' Ethel said. ‘I'm sure you could find something for him to do, couldn't you?'

‘Sounds good,' he said. What he had in mind was that Philip could help him fine-tune his letter, but he wasn't about to bring that up with Jacqueline in the room. ‘Hey, if you come out early, say, get to my place by a quarter to seven, you might get to see the young buck you helped fix up. He's usually grazing with the mob. But I'll understand if you don't want to get up that early.'

‘No, that would be great. How's he doing?'

‘Brilliant. Almost completely healed. I haven't bothered him since we released him – I just look through the binoculars. Once the last of his hair's grown, we won't be able to pick him out.'

‘That's amazing. And all down to the hard work of you and Ethel.'

‘Well, you helped too,' Damien said.

‘Okay, so that's all sorted. Thanks for getting me out of a shopping trip.'

‘Sure you won't come with us, Ethel?' Eileen said.

‘Quite sure, thank you.'

Damien smiled to himself. They clearly didn't know his auntie Ethel well enough to know shopping was not her thing. And other than the odd sherry or red wine to be polite, her preferred tipple was a cask of Coolabah.

Dinner was a triumph, as always, but the trifle was a particular hit and Eileen and Jacqueline began demanding Ethel write out the recipe for them. Damien loved the trifle too, but he'd had it dozens of times over the years, so wasn't quite as enthusiastic as the others. Many a time he'd been lucky enough to drop into his auntie Ethel's and scored a bowl for lunch, or just because.

Tonight they'd only managed to make their way through just under half of the huge bowlfull. Ethel joked that she'd be eating trifle until it came out of her ears.

‘Hey, why don't you come to my place tomorrow night?' Damien found himself blurting. Where the hell had that come from? ‘We could have the trifle for dessert. I can do a barbie. If the weather's okay we can sit outside, but if not, I'm sure we'll be able to squeeze around the table.' He hadn't really meant to, but the thought had come to him as the night was wrapping up.

Jacqueline was looking at him a little startled. Almost, perhaps, a little fearful. He was sorry about that. But now he'd seen her, been in such close proximity, the thought of not being near her stabbed him hard under his ribs.

‘You'd better invite your mum in that case,' Ethel warned.

Mum? Oh shit. What's the date? What's the date tomorrow?
He coloured again as he realised his blunder.
Uh-oh.

‘What's wrong?' Philip asked.

Damien shifted in his seat. ‘Sorry, dinner's off. And catching up in the morning might be cutting it a bit fine, Philip. Sorry, but I've just remembered I have to take Mum down to Lincoln to catch the plane. She's off on her overseas trip.' It was pushing it a bit to get to Lincoln and back, deal with the animals, and get all the food for a barbecue sorted in time. He'd be a wreck and probably not very good company.

‘Lucky you remembered in time,' Ethel chided.

‘Oh well, next time. Do please wish her safe travels from us,' Eileen said.

‘No problem at all. Best we leave it until you've got plenty of time to show me around. And, yes, please pass on our best,' Philip said.

‘Do you want to leave the kittens with me, rather than drag them all the way down there and back?'

‘Oh, that would be great, thanks.'

‘And if you're back in time and feeling up to it, you can come for tea and pick them up. But I'll leave it entirely up to you.'

‘Okay. Thanks.'

Conversation went on around him as Damien thought about how much nicer the one hour and twenty minute trip to the airport would be with Jacqueline in the car beside him. This separation was excruciating. What had he been thinking, believing he could do this?

He stood at the door with his aunt and saw the Havelocks off, putting on a brave face, but feeling his heart ache harder with each step Jacqueline took away from him. Then he bundled his animals into the ute, did a second headcount, waved to Ethel and drove away. For the first time in ages he felt really down and not at all like going home alone to his empty temporary house. Squish bumped his leg.

‘Yes, I've got you, Squish. And you, Jemima,' he said as the roo leant over to copy Squish.

He had to pull himself together. He had a great life and was damned lucky. So what if he didn't quite have the girl of his dreams? They were working on that. He just hoped Jacqueline still wanted him as much as he wanted her.

Chapter Nineteen

Jacqueline struggled to get to sleep that night. She tossed and turned in the small single bed in the spare room while the odd snore and rustle came from her parents in her room. She'd eaten too much, and was unable to get Damien out of her mind, and there was the shadow of her imploding career always lurking for when her defences were down. She'd even wondered if her few cancellations recently were the result of people having found out the truth about her, but she knew she had to keep that thought at bay or else it would consume her and destroy her fragile confidence.

If only she had Damien to confide in. While she missed holding him, she thought she missed his intellect and their conversations even more. Being so near to him at the dinner table but not being able to touch or talk properly had been excruciating. He'd looked tired and she hoped that was only from getting up to feed the kittens rather than the recent fire and loss of property bringing back painful memories. Was he putting on a brave front or was he really okay with it all? She'd heard how he'd saved a flock of valuable and much-loved chickens and she desperately wanted to tell him how impressed and proud of him she was. She was only mildly surprised that his actions hadn't been singled out as part of the CFS debrief, or even tonight at dinner, but it could have been at Damien's request – he was humble and didn't crave the limelight. Jacqueline hadn't wanted to embarrass him by bringing it up. She knew, if pressed, he'd say the people who mattered knew and to please leave it at that. The fact that the house and other property had been lost didn't help – he might consider his victory small in the scheme of things and feel uneasy about not being there to at least try to save the house. She knew the firies were all gutted by the result. She'd learnt how rarely such losses happened and how hard they hit the volunteers. Twice in one season was almost unheard of, so it must be utterly gut-wrenching for them. She hoped they saw value and felt some comfort in her being involved.

At least she knew Damien was listening to his intuition more and following his instincts. That helped ease her mind a bit, but she was still worried about him. Several times she thought about saying ‘screw this', and getting dressed, and heading out to see him. She had a car now and could be spontaneous. But she was always brought back to the same point: he had ended things with her for the good of the community and she had to continue to respect that. And there was Doctor Squire to consider – he was putting his reputation on the line to help her too. Giving up, not fighting for her job and her career, wouldn't get her anywhere. And Damien clearly wasn't prepared to have a clandestine relationship with her and put her more at risk; he had too much integrity for that. Jacqueline thought she did too and was surprised by the strength of her feelings and thoughts in favour of doing the wrong thing. Was it lust? Was what she had with Damien just a passing infatuation? If so, why was she craving just spending time with him? She'd have loved nothing more than to spend a few hours sitting beside him in the ute, driving to Port Lincoln and back. Even having to spend half the journey beside Tina would have been worth it.

Jacqueline finally fell asleep still feeling disappointed about being separated from Damien, but very grateful for having her parents in the next room. It would be so nice to be mothered for a few days, and that was something Eileen was very good at.

*

As Jacqueline followed her parents into the third nondescript, cream brick, late-seventies house, she thought about Damien. She longed to sit with him and feed and play with the tiny kittens, and Jemima, Squish, Bob and Cara, rather than spend time travelling around with her parents. Jacqueline felt like a hanger-on, despite doing the driving. Here she was, going through rental properties, knowing full well she might be moving back in with her parents. It meant she couldn't be totally objective; she looked at each place for her own needs. A few times she'd almost asked her parents if perhaps they should reconsider their move now her circumstances might be changing. After all, why would they move all the way out here if she was just going to end up back in the city? It was clear from the number of unemployed clients she had that jobs were few and far between. It was a town with only one hotel, one bakery, an insurance broker, a hardware store – there weren't many employers, full stop. But she had to remind herself it wasn't all about her, her parents had their own lives to lead. She felt like a petulant teenager at the thought that despite her crisis nothing had changed with them. But she was adult enough to keep her thoughts to herself.

The mood in the car was sombre as Philip, Eileen and Ethel compared the three homes they'd gone through. Philip expressed his disappointment at the lack of decent choice. According to the real estate agent's website, there were about a dozen places available to rent in town, but Ethel had assured them these three were the best of a generally drab lot. Anyway, they were all very similar in features and price.

‘It's okay. It's clean and tidy enough,' Jacqueline said finally. ‘Really, that's all you need in a temporary rental.' God, she sounded like her mother. One thing was for sure, the rental accommodation out here was cheap compared to the city.

‘Are you sure you want to carry on with your plans to move out here when I might not be here?' she said on the drive back to drop Ethel home. There, she'd finally got it off her chest.

‘Oh you'll be here,' Ethel said firmly.

Jacqueline looked across at her in the passenger's seat with raised eyebrows. ‘You seem to be forgetting the pickle I'm in.'

‘Ah, you'll get through it and be just fine.'

While Jacqueline normally appreciated Ethel's optimism and sunny disposition, today it annoyed her. Was no one but her, Doctor Squire and Damien taking this seriously? She wished she'd stayed home in front of the TV, wallowing in her self-pity and dire circumstances.

‘It'll all work itself out, one way or the other,' her father said, reaching between the seats and patting her shoulder.

She smiled weakly at him in the rear-vision mirror, trying to look grateful for his supposedly buoying words. She just wanted it over with, whatever the outcome. She could deal with it, put it behind her, and get on with her life. It was the waiting that was killing her. Worse, waiting while being expected to carry on as normal, pretend nothing was up. Only her whole career – her life – was up in the air, she thought sardonically. No big deal. She almost snorted aloud as she pulled into Ethel's driveway.

‘How about we do fish and chips at the seaside to cheer us up instead of going to a winery?' Philip suddenly announced.

‘Good idea. You know, I think I've quite gone off the idea of shopping too,' Eileen said.

‘Hmm, me too,' Jacqueline added.

‘I read there's a nice café at Pigeon Bay. What do you say, Ethel? Will you join us?' Philip said.

‘Yes, do, please,' Eileen pleaded. ‘We'll wait for you to feed the kittens.'

‘Oh. Well, okay then. If you're sure.'

‘Absolutely!' Eileen cried.

‘Yes, a bit of fresh sea air and a stroll along the jetty might be nice. Thank you.'

My poor parents. They are clearly desperate not to be left alone with their mopey daughter. I'd better make more of an effort.

A little over an hour later Philip and Jacqueline were waiting at the counter for their order and Eileen and Ethel were sitting in the car with the windows down, enjoying the sea breeze. Being at the seaside had even perked Jacqueline up a little – turning the radio up when ABBA had come on and them all singing along loudly to ‘Chiquitita' had helped. It was quite exhilarating to sing out loud and have nobody care if you were a bit out of tune. Jacqueline loved singing loudly in the car, but had always been careful to keep it private. She thought she didn't have a bad voice, but wasn't entirely sure. The old hits had continued and their whole journey had been filled with raucous singing. Jacqueline couldn't remember her parents being so fun – Ethel really did bring out the best in people. She was so grateful for that and had to remember to be in the present, appreciate the moment – even if just for an hour at a time. That was what she advised clients going through tough times to do. She really needed to remember to follow her own advice, she thought, as she gathered up the bundle of fish and chips and turned away from the counter.