Spirit's Princess (6 page)

Yukari leaned against her wearily. “Last time, it was my
little girl who left first, and yours was the one who followed. If they must leave us so young, it’s better this way: at least they have each other.”

A great shadow settled over our house. We no longer sang or told stories or even spoke about the day’s events. After eating, we spent what was left of the evening in silence. Aki and Father would pass the time examining and repairing their tools and weapons, though I often noticed them sharpening the same blade or working on the same arrow night after night. Shoichi and Masa sat quietly, playing a game with black and white stones. I helped Mama, Yukari, and Emi clean up after our meal, then settled down to watch them make or mend our clothes. They taught me how to sew by giving me my own precious iron needle and showing me how it was done without a word being said.

Oh, I hated that horrible silence! I wanted to smash it, to clap my hands and shout and sing until it flew away and joy could return to our home. But I didn’t dare; none of us dared to make a sound except for Father, who would bring an end to each evening’s painful silence by standing up and announcing, “It’s time to sleep.”

When dawn came, Father and the boys fled our house as though it were on fire. Mama, Yukari, and Emi also looked for any excuse to go out rather than do chores inside, where two small ghosts haunted the shadows. Even away from the house, they hardly spoke to one another, and when any of our clanfolk tried to talk to them, they kept their replies to one or two words. There were times I thought that I too would die from the ache that seized my heart every time I looked into my stepmothers’ eyes. I was stung
by memories of my foolish words
—I wish the spirits
would
punish you!
All
of you
!—and the only thing that saved me from drowning in guilt was remembering how quickly I’d taken back my curse, calling on the spirits to punish only me.

I spent as much time as I could away from my family. Avoiding Father and the boys was easy, but the women were another story. Little by little, the three of them began to surround me whenever they could. Yukari brought me food before I was hungry, offering me all kinds of treats. Emi refused to let me take two steps without exclaiming that I was about to fall and grabbing my arm. Being free to walk as much as I wanted was impossible, and I had about as much chance of sprouting wings and flying as I did of trying to run. Mama combed my hair so often that my scalp stung all the time, and joined Yukari and Emi when they helped me into my clothes in the morning and out of them at bedtime. They did everything but chew my food for me. The few times that I was able to steal away from them and hide, they’d rouse the whole village until I was found again. I was ready to howl.

One morning, when the trees on the distant hillsides were gold and scarlet, Aki surprised everyone by declaring he wasn’t going to go hunting with Father and his brothers. “Masa and Shoichi should have a chance to show how much progress they’ve made,” he said. “Let them bring home the pheasants today, or whatever game the forest spirits choose to send us.”

“Son, are you sure?” Mama sounded anxious. “They’re still children. What if they have an accident? They need you to look after them.”

“Father can do that better than I,” Aki countered. “And if we don’t give them room to grow up, they really will stay children forever. No, today I don’t go anywhere with my brothers. Today belongs to Himiko and me!”

He had me riding his back and down the ladder before anyone could stop him. Mama, Yukari, and Emi stood at the edge of the platform, trying to drown us in an endless stream of warnings and instructions. Aki began to trot, then to run, until we left the sound of their voices far behind. As we passed the village lookout tower, he turned toward the hills and slowed his pace. “Women!” he exclaimed. “It’s a good thing they don’t know we’re headed for the forest or they’d be flying after us.”

“The forest?” I couldn’t believe it. “Is that where you’re taking me?”

“No, that’s where I’m
leaving
you.” He jounced me until I giggled. “I’ll carry you there, but we’re both walking back. It’s the only way you’re going to get home.”

I hugged Aki’s neck. “You’re
wonderful
, Big Brother!” All my old, pure affection rushed back. “I never get to walk far on my own anymore.”

“I know. I’ve been watching.” He shifted my weight on his back. “You have to understand them, Himiko: Yukari and Emi hover over you because you’re closest in age to the babies they lost. You’re too young to remember, but this happened to them before. Back then, it was Masa’s turn to be fussed over.”

His words helped me understand. “They’re acting like that because they still need to be
someone’s
mother?”

Aki nodded. “Yes. And our mother is trying to wrap you
up in a cocoon because what happened to their children has her terrified. Every time I’ve seen her walking past the clan pine tree, she either glares at it or goes pale and breaks into a run. You’re her baby, Himiko, and she can’t forget how close she came to losing you that day.”

“Well, I wish she
would
forget!” I cried. “I’m not
anyone’s
baby—not Mama’s or Yukari’s or Emi’s. I wish they’d all have
real
babies again, and leave me alone.”

“You don’t mean that, Himiko,” Aki said kindly. “You’d hate it if no one paid attention to you. I’ve seen how you open up like a flower in the sun every time you sing for us.”

I laid my cheek against my brother’s back. “I wish I could sing again. It made Father happy. But no one even talks in the house anymore.”

“Trust me, Little Sister, that will change. It’ll take time, but I promise you, our house won’t stay sad and silent forever.”

“It takes too
much
time,” I said petulantly. “Isn’t there anything we can do to make the sadness go away sooner?”

“I wish that were possible.” By now we were out of sight of the village, a little way up the nearest hill where the dark red leaves of young maple trees canopied the ground. He squatted near one tree trunk so that I’d have something to support and steady me when I got off his back. As he straightened up again, he added, “Maybe you should pray to the spirits for help.”

I scowled. “
They
won’t help. Father’s right: all
they
want is the chance to hurt us. I’ll bet it makes them laugh!”

“Himiko, you shouldn’t say such things.” My brother’s eyes darted back and forth nervously, as though he’d heard
some unknown danger creeping closer to us through the trees. I’d never seen him so frightened.

The gift they want the most is fear
.

The spirits had already fed on our family’s sorrow, and now Mama and my stepmothers spent every day afraid that something bad would happen to me. Those fears gave the spirits a hateful feast, but if they thought they’d feed on Aki’s fears as well, I’d make them starve instead!

“You’re right, Aki,” I said quickly. “I was only joking.” I knew it was a flimsy excuse, but I couldn’t think of a better one.

“You shouldn’t joke about the spirits at all.” Aki gave me a look so severe it made me cringe, but if it banished his fright, I’d welcome it.

“I know. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” I bowed my head as if I meant what I’d said.

A playful tug at one of my hair loops made me look up. Aki was smiling again. “That’s my good girl! Now, are you going to show me you can walk all the way back to the village on your own?”

“No,” I replied mischievously. “I’ll show you I can
run
.”

I thought I’d be able to run, that first day Aki took me into the forest, but my legs had other ideas. When I tried to go faster than a walk, the best I could do was a funny little hobble-hop, hobble-hop. I was so frustrated, I wanted to cry, but I was also so angry that I couldn’t find the tears. Instead, I made a fist and pounded it against the nearest tree.

“Easy, Little Sister,” Aki said, catching my wrist after the third blow. “You’ll hurt yourself. Think how Mama and the others will react if I bring you home with a scraped, bleeding hand! They’ll never let me take you out of their sight again. Then how would I be able to bring you back here?”

“Oh, Aki,
will
you?” My hand hurt badly from my foolish outburst of temper, but my brother’s words numbed the sting.

“It’s what I want more than anything.” He sat down at the roots of the tree and motioned for me to join him. “Look
around, Himiko,” he said. “See how beautiful it is here. This is one of my favorite places.”

“To hunt?”

“No, any animal who’d come this close to our village might as well just jump into the cook fire. Hunting’s not the only thing that brings me to the forest. It’s peaceful here, and the air tastes better.”

I made a scornful sound. “Air doesn’t taste like anything.”

“That’s what you think.” He tilted his head back and gazed up through the rustling red leaves. “I disagree. This place is special. I believe that the spirits who live here are …” He paused, as if finding exactly the right word were the most important thing in the world. “They’re
friendly
. They welcome me when I come, they steal all of the little things that bother me, and they send me home feeling happier. I’m as renewed as if I’d slept for a day and a night, with only joyful dreams.” He turned his gaze to me. “That’s why I wanted to bring you here, to share that with you. I want the spirits of this place to know you, to welcome you the way they welcome me, and to give you back the power to walk and run and do anything you wish.”

“To dance?” I asked hopefully, and for a moment, I forgot that the spirits weren’t friendly or welcoming, but greedy and spiteful. I wanted to dance more than I wanted to be right.

“Since when are you a dancer, Little Sister?” he asked kindly. “You’ll have to show me.”

I turned my head away, suddenly shy. “I’m not ready yet.”

“Well, when you
are
ready, you’ll do it. For now”—he stood up again—“why don’t we walk back home before they send the whole village to fetch us?”

There was no need to ask who “they” were. I held out my hands for Aki to help me get up, but he just crossed his arms over his chest and smiled at me. “The less I do for you, the sooner you’ll be doing more for yourself.”

The trip back from the forest took much longer than the trip there. Aki remained firm about not helping me, except to offer his arm when we came to places on the trail where loose stones made the footing treacherous. It would have been an easy thing for him to let me ride on his back, but he never offered and I would have refused him if he had.

It was nearly dusk by the time we returned. Smoke trails marked the fires where our kinfolk were preparing the evening meal. We met no one as I came walking home, exulting over what I’d accomplished.

From a distance, I could just make out Mama’s face in our doorway as she strained her work-weary eyes for any sight of our return. Aki saw her too. “Better get up again, Himiko,” he said, kneeling. “If she so much as suspects how hard I made you work today—”

“I won’t tell,” I whispered as I got on his back. “Not as long as you take me there again tomorrow.”

Aki did take me back to his special place in the forest, though not the next day or the one after that. He told me that it would look suspicious if he sidestepped his tasks too often. He was a man of the Matsu, and our chief’s eldest son besides. The eyes of the village were always following him.
How could he neglect his duties without stirring up too many questions?

So I learned to be patient, waiting for the next time I could test the limits of my legs on the steep woodland paths. I didn’t wait idly. My first trip home from the maple grove reminded me of how much I’d missed the freedom to go wherever I liked, with no one trying to hold me back. I kept a close eye on Mama, Emi, and Yukari, alert for any moment when all three would be so distracted by their own chores that each of them thought one of the others was minding me.

At first, I was caught more times than I managed to get away. Climbing down the ladder was the hardest part of making my escape. If I had a handful of rice for every time I was partway down and heard “Himiko! What do you think you’re doing? Come back
right now
!” I could have fed our whole village for a year.

My failed flights made me more determined. I became stealthier, quieter, quicker. By the time the last autumn days waned, I found myself enjoying those solitary escapes better than the few times Aki took me back to the maple grove. What a shame that the challenge of evading Mama and the others was soon gone! It was becoming almost
too
easy for me to slip out of our house and off by myself before anyone missed me. When I came back at sunset, I got a scolding or three, and a lecture about what an ungrateful girl I was to vanish like that, leaving my whole family desperately worried about me.

My whole family? That was hardly true.

“What are you thinking, Himiko, running away every day and putting yourself into all sorts of danger!” Mama’s voice was shrill as she chided me over our bamboo dinner platters. “Are you
trying
to kill me with worry?”