Songs of the Earth (11 page)

* * * * "You will
not
!" Ushna was positively livid with me, but I wasn't going to budge on this. "You won't spar with the warriors in any way!"

"I can defend myself. I'm not totally incompetent!" I wasn't going to go in the fighting circle to get my ass handed to me. I only needed to practice. We had enemies and I had to be ready for anything.

"I didn't say you were!" Ushna drew in a long strained breath, fighting his anger. "Tristan, you cannot, at least temporarily, participate in full body contact sparring."

"I'm not asking for that. I only want to practice with the warriors. I have the tai-chi, but I want to go through the katas with a partner, work with weapons and no body shots. I need the exercise; I need to keep my reflexes sharp. If it makes you feel any better, you or Corey can be my partner. I can't sit around and do nothing. It's driving me crazy!"

Behind me, Corey was running the off-duty warriors through their morning exercises. The cool air was punctuated with grunts at the end of each forceful move as they progressed through the forms. I needed to be a part of the daily routine.

It had been a week since the fertility rite at the river. Ushna was smothering me and no amount of coaxing made him back off. This morning he'd been angry with me for taking a shower without him because I could've slipped and fallen. Everything I ate, he nitpicked over. Yesterday he'd taken a bag of cheese puffs out of my hands and given me an apple. If I'd wanted an apple, I'd have picked up an apple. All week, he'd been hovering and I was ready to throttle him.

My skin felt tight, stretched thin, and was tingling again. It had been doing that off and on for several days. My emotions were all over the board but my temper was the worst.

"You cannot keep me from getting hurt, Ushna," I said with much more patience than I felt. "You can't keep trailing behind me trying to fix things."

Ushna reached to draw me into his arms. "But you're…"
Angrily, I knocked his hands away. I tried to control my temper but it only seemed to get worse. "Don't you think I know that?" I said through gritted teeth. "Everything you do reminds me I'm different now. Whatever else I may be, I'm still a man and one way or another you'll respect me as such!"
Ushna took a step back, looking as if I'd slapped him. Crap! That wasn't what I'd meant. Nausea rolled in my stomach and made me feel green. I couldn't let Ushna see this weakness in me. "That's not… I… look…" I hurried toward the house before I embarrassed myself more. I couldn't find the words to tell Ushna what I needed.
Gregori was working on the traps and he had nearly finished creating the golem. Neesie had searched for and was starting to acquire temporary housing for the families of my warriors. She'd taken the list from Corey and was coordinating relocation. Randy was helping Nathan find space on the ranch for a doctor's office and a location in town for a general practice. Ushna and Corey had met and coordinated with a security company for perimeter cameras with infrared and motion sensors. Janus had recommended a Lycan-owned construction company and an addition was currently being built onto the house that would be a security room housing the visual monitors that would be Corey's center of operations.
I needed to be doing something constructive and although I knew financing the changes was important, I needed more. Overnight, I was unable to find a moment of quiet. I was never alone. Either Ushna was with me or I was followed by a pair of guards. The loss of personal space rankled. I wondered if, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't be so disgruntled. I'd yet to sit down and talk to Uttu. The morning Ushna and I had come home, she'd pronounced me pregnant. I hadn't expected it to happen immediately. I was trying to take the change in stride but I felt off. I needed to talk to Uttu to find out the alterations my body would go to through. I already knew some of them: the on again, off again feeling of ants crawling all over my skin, the unexpected nausea when I smelled most everyday things, and cravings for the strangest combinations of foods. There was pain in my back and hips and legs. Pain when I peed. Hot flashes, like I was stuck in a broiler waiting for someone to turn me over and announce I was done. That was only the physical.
I'd always been a bit of a hothead but before this, I could control it. This new temper refused to be restrained. If it flared, it was best I get away from people, which was easier said than done nowadays because I was constantly accompanied by someone. I was surprised one of the guards wasn't in the office staring at me from the couch right now. If I wasn't angry, I was sad and I was unable to give a reason why.
Earlier, when I'd woken up, Ushna had been laying on his side facing me. I'd thought about how much I loved him and had this overwhelming urge to cry. I hadn't cried since before the Breaking.
Ushna's Twin Flame, Brian, had been killed by a poacher when we were pups. Even though they were young, the loss of his Flame had crushed him, and we had worked hard to keep him from fading. I used to drag the guys to Brian's grave every year after his death. In the beginning, I'd done it for Ushna but then I started going to talk to Brian when I was struggling with something. After I'd found my Flame, I'd needed a silent place more times than I'd admit to. After the fight with Nathan, the day before the Breaking, I'd gone to Brian's grave and wept for what I'd lost.
I'd never told anyone, but spending time with Brian when he was alive had always comforted me. After he died, I always thought he was waiting for me when I visited his grave. I talked through my problems and hoped Brian could hear me. I'd felt comforted when I came away.
The night I argued with Nathan about Breaking with Theo, I'd sat at Brian's grave until dawn. I knew now I was better off without Theo, but at the time, I'd loved him and his betrayal had cut deeply. Theo's meager words of devotion hadn't made up for the other things he'd said to me.
He'd barely tolerated me. He told me even as a warrior, I was only mediocre. Alpha's had the best of the tribe as their spouses. I wasn't the best at anything, not nearly handsome enough for people to ignore that I was average in everything else. I'd tried to be what he needed. But I'd never be what he wanted, Twin Flame or not. I should've known when he wouldn't let me claim him that I wouldn't be able to offer him enough. Maybe I had because I never asked again after he turned me down the first time.
Goddess, how I'd wanted him to love me, truly love me, and he hadn't, couldn't. There was nothing I could do to make myself worthy of his unconditional love. So I'd quit trying to win Theo's love and worked to win his respect. I tried to make the tribe better. I helped the people. Although it didn't win Theo's regard, I continued to work for the citizens, to be the best I could for them. I did what I could to give back, and I tried to believe I wasn't dying every day, living separately from my Flame, waiting for scraps of affection from him. Trying to be content with the hand fate had dealt me.
Waking up next to Ushna in the morning, watching his sleeping face, it had hit me for the first time how much he loved me. He slept next to me every night. He'd fought a God and Goddess for me. He wanted to have children with me. I thought I knew what love was before he stole my heart. That love was pale and colorless compared to what I felt for Ushna. I had to make sure I proved myself worthy of him.
The last two days, I was losing that battle. I went to talk to Uttu to ask what kind of changes I should expect, only to find Ushna already asking my questions. Why hadn't he waited for me? I listened to them, struggling to control the flash of temper that rose in me.
If I looked at it logically, I wouldn't care. Rationally, I knew Ushna, in many ways, had been taking care of me for a long time. Recently, his help made me feel separate, different. The last couple of days, the more he tried, the more pissed off it made me. Not at him but at myself.
His love had made me whole again. He'd healed me and what did I have to give him in return? The only thing I had to offer was my protection but how could I give it if I couldn't protect myself? My protection had gotten Ushna shot. I closed my eyes and saw his blood staining my hands. I had to find a way to be better, to be worthy of him.
I buried myself in the paperwork on my desk, looking for an emotional reprieve. I was looking over the information that Neesie had gathered on the families who were moving into my tribe. Neesie had gone so far as to have the families fill out formal petitions of unification. The tribe didn't have a name. Ushna and I had never picked one. The council hadn't bothered to assign us one. I guess the assumption was we'd join a larger tribe in time.
When a person or family wanted to move, they filled out petitions of unification to request entrance into the new tribe. To keep track of where Lycans were, the Council of Five oversaw the process. Each transfer application included the reason for the appeal, as well as information on the person or family, so the new alpha would know a little about who was requesting to move into his territory and get an idea how the applicant would be able to contribute to the tribe. The forms I'd normally receive were from families of the warriors who were currently in my tribe, along with others who had been invited by Ushna and Corey.
I stopped on a handful of unification petitions from families who were not related to the warriors. How in the world had these families gotten my information for the petitions? I looked at the front cover letter for each petition and noticed they hadn't gone through the Council of Elders for review. Each petition had the family name, the number of people in the household, their current tribe, and occupations of the household. Some petitioners had included family photos. All of them included formal letters of request and the name of the person who'd referred them. In a notebook, I noted the names of the referrers, not recognizing any of them. I was reading their reasons for the request when a knock came at the door and I yelled for them to enter.
Finding a stopping place, I looked up and smiled at Neesie, who was sitting in front of me. Her brunette hair was plaited into twin braids that fell over each shoulder. She wore a female version of a wife beater, black jeans, and combat boots. She was still a shocking contrast from my memories of her in pink dresses and lace.
"I was going through these unification petitions." I passed the notepad of names to her. "Do you know any of these people?"
Neesie looked the list over, frowning. "No, I don't recognize the names. Sorry."
Neesie was handing the list back when another knock came at the door and opened without my invitation. Uttu walked in and quietly closed the door behind her. I tried to keep the sour look off my face.
"We wanted to talk to you," Neesie said. I looked between the two of them. Great, I was going to get tagteamed.
I started shuffling papers around. "Sure. What did you want to talk about?"
"You're being awfully hard on Ushna," she started.
I pursed my lips, the anger I'd worked out looking through petitions coming back full force. That my argument with Ushna was being observed by prying eyes made me clench my teeth. It was galling to know she was right but I glared at her anyway for meddling.
"You're pregnant," Uttu plainly stated. "Your body chemistry is changing and will continue to change and be unbalanced. Tristan, you'd know this if you'd come to talk to me like you were supposed to."
"You were already talking with Ushna, what would you need me for?" As the words came out of my mouth, I knew I sounded like a petulant child. This was why I avoided spending time with anyone. I opened my mouth and puked horrible words.
"Tristan!" Neesie gasped.
I sighed and put my head in my palm. I knew I was being a dick, but I couldn't seem to help myself.
"Gods! I've turned into such a whiny bitch. Look. I'm sorry. I haven't been feeling right and Ushna could breathe in my direction and piss me off, but at the same time he's overprotective and treating me like I'm going to break apart at any moment."
"Tristan, I cannot put off talking to you about the changes you'll go through in the next couple of months. I know you're already struggling with some of them."
"I didn't realize I'd feel this bad all the time." I sighed. "I'll be glad when it's all over and I can go back to being a normal man again. This emotional roller coaster I've been on is driving me crazy. Ushna's going to leave me if I keep losing my temper." I looked up at Neesie. "I'm not… I don't know." I waved my hand in the air as if it would communicate what I couldn't find words for.
"Tristan, you are neither." Uttu clasped her hands in her lap.
"I'm neither what?"
"You are not a woman, but you are no longer a man," Uttu responded calmly.
"Excuse me?" I became dizzy. "What the hell does that mean?" My voice went up an octave and my chest constricted. I was having a hard time breathing.
"Your chemistry has changed. Your DNA has been altered. You'll never be one hundred percent male again. After you have given birth, your body won't revert back to its male component. You'll continue to have the ability to have children."
"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Panic squeezed me in its iron grasp. "No one told me I'd be forever changed, that I wasn't going to go back to being me again." There was no warning. "I'd thought someone would've said something if I was going to turn into something else."
Was I still a Lycan?
Why hadn't I asked more questions? What had I allowed myself to become without asking what the consequences were?
I concentrated on making myself take deep breaths as I listened to Uttu. "This cannot be taken back. A thing can be destroyed, but nothing can be unmade. Internally, your body has been reshaped, changed to what it needs to be so you can continue your family line."
"I didn't think to ask if this would be permanent." I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes. There was nothing I could do about this. A thought occurred to me. "Is this why Ushna's been acting like I'm going to break at any given moment?"
Uttu nodded her head. "He knows."
"Why in the hell didn't he tell me?"
Neesie glared at me. "I'd say because you've been a complete ass, stomping around here and snapping at everyone or hiding. If it had been Ushna to bear the children and you found out he was fundamentally changed, how would you feel?"
"Responsible. Horrible," I whispered.
"Tristan," Uttu began, "you are not going to feel like yourself until your chemistry balances out to your new normal. The birthing seam will start to appear in a couple of weeks. Gestation for the babies will be sixteen weeks and the further along you are in the pregnancy, the more fragile you'll be. The first pregnancy is always the hardest because of all the changes that are demanded of your body. It's very important you eat well, get plenty of sleep, and keep the stress level down. I'll help you to birth the babies. We have plenty of time to prepare."
"I'm sorry. You keep saying babies. I'm only having one… right… just one?" I held up my index finger as if she couldn't understand my words.
Uttu gave me one of her beautiful smiles. "Twins skip a generation. Your father was a twin and you'll have twins."
My stomach turned over. All the other crap that had happened in my life hadn't changed me. I'd worried about who I was when I found out Ammar was my father, only to realize I was the same person I'd always been. The alpha power, the magic, the weird-ass live snakes buried in my skinall of it had always been a part of me, only hidden from view.
But this…
This changed my body, fucked with my DNA, and scrambled my chemical makeup. Would Ushna still desire me? I was
other
. Singular.
There was no one else like me in the whole world. There was no one who could understand, who I could turn to for guidance.
I was
alone
.
The snakes on my chest start to move and writhe in agitation. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't swallow past the lump in my throat.
I was so tired.
It seemed like the more I fought, the more shit was tossed my way. When was it going to stop? When was I going to be allowed to catch my breath?
Ultimately, all I needed was Ushna. None of this mattered as long as I had him. I had to quit being a hormonal dick, apologize, and find a way to deal with the situation.
Taking a deep invigorating breath, I opened my eyes. I read the names on the notepad. I couldn't change back. I had to learn to live with it. I'm sure I had a fit of temper or two waiting to express itself about this damnable situation, but right now, I had security to oversee. I had petitions to review from families of warriors who were moving and dinner for twenty to cook. Oh, and an apology to make and some groveling to do.