Somewhere Only We Know (3 page)

“No,” she
replied, almost breathless. “But I just want to tell someone I love them.”

“I am sorry Ma’am
, but I can’t let you through without a boarding pass,” he replied firmly.

“But
… he is the love of my life,” she whispered. Kate looked up and saw Callum standing just beyond the x-ray machine. His eyes blazing as he stared at her. He was waiting for Kate to speak.

“
CALLUM!” She called out as the security guy stood out of her way just enough so she could see him clearly. “Callum, I love you”.

A big grin filled
Callum’s face.

“I LOVE YOU TOO
KATIE KELLY!” He shouted at the top of his voice, everyone around him stopped suddenly and stared at him. But he didn’t care. He just blew her a big kiss and laughed out loud.

She
watched as he finally turned and walked away and her happiness quickly faded as she stood stuck to the spot for a couple of moments, feeling nothing but overwhelming loss.

A short
, round man in a business suit, who was rushing for the departure gate, bumped into her and nearly knocking her over. He didn’t even seem to notice what he had done. She cursed at him in her mind, then turned and headed for the door.

When
              Kate got back to her apartment, she parked her car in its usual spot. She couldn’t face her empty apartment just yet. She pulled her jacket from the back seat of the car, put it on and zipped it up. She shoved her hands deep into her pockets and went for a walk.

It
was late afternoon before Kate got back to her apartment again. She pressed the button for the lift and waited for the doors to open. Kate climbed in and pressed the button for the third floor. She slumped against the mirrored wall of the elevator and closed her eyes. She was due to start work in two days and should have felt happy, but she wasn’t. Kate just wanted to climb into bed and sleep. The elevator door pinged open, Kate took a deep breath and stepped out of the lift.

“Callum!
” she gasp, shocked to find him sitting at her door. Her heart soared at the sight of this man she had fallen so helplessly in love with.  He quickly scrambled to his feet. “What are you doing here?”

“I was about to get on the plane
,” he began to explain nervously. “I was at the boarding gate and I handed the flight attendant my boarding pass and she told me to have a good trip home. And that’s when I realised. I was home already.”

********
**

Kate
smiled, remembering just how new and exciting it was back then. But that seemed like a lifetime ago now and they were such different people.  She leaned her head against the cold window and wished they could go back to then. Then maybe they could try and do things differently.

That said,
Kate knew in her heart, she really wouldn’t want to change anything about their lives back then. They were happy and in love. He was her best friend, her soul mate. There was a time he would know what Kate was thinking almost before she knew herself.  But then one day, that day, one stupid argument changed everything and the life they had together was gone and so were Katie and Callum. The people they were back then died with Emily that day and all that was left was sadness, loneliness and an unbearable ache that seemed to consume them both.

Kate
sighed and walked back to the kitchen. She placed her coffee cup into the dishwasher and picked the jug of milk up off the counter and returned it back to the fridge. As she closed the fridge door, she saw their photo. It was the last one taken of the three of them. She took it from the fridge and studied it closely. They all looked so happy, life was perfect. Little did they know, only three short days later their world would be ripped apart, and they would be left to put the pieces back together, pieces that just didn’t seem to fit anymore.

She closed her eyes and thought about Emily.
She could remember the day the photograph was taken. It was Emily’s fourth birthday. The house was full of family and friends for a huge party. She could remember how excited and happy Emily was.

“Mommy,” Emily squeaked excitedly. “Can I blow out the candles now? I want to make my wish.”

Kate knew what she was going to wish for. Emily wanted a little brother. It was all she talked about.

“If she makes her wish,” Callum whispered in Kate’s ear. “Does that mean I will get lucky tonight?”

“Your mind is in the gutter,” Kate laughed and kissed Callum. “Behave yourself.”

“Daddy,” Emily squealed excitedly
as she bounced up and down in front of them both. “Kiss me, kiss me.”

Callum lifted Emily up
in his arms and kissed her on the cheek and she hugged him tightly. He looked back at Kate and smiled happily at his beautiful wife. Then he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.

“
Hey Guys,” Olly called out, and the three of them turned in unison as she clicked the camera.

Kate
smiled at the memory as she placed the photo back on the fridge and looked at the clock to check the time.

“SHIT!
” she shouted. She was running late. Kate grabbed her coat and keys. Then she headed for the door.

Kate
walked quickly towards the lift but slowed when she saw someone else standing, waiting for the lift too.

“Crap
,” she whispered to herself. Kate hated being in small confined spaces with absolute strangers. She wanted to remain as invisible as possible to everyone around her, that way no one would ask her questions. Then she wouldn’t have to explain how they ended up here in New York.

People always seem
ed to fire lots of questions at Kate as soon as they heard her accent. And then they would talk to her like she was their new best friend. Kate didn’t want any new best friends. She didn’t want any friends, period. That’s why she agreed to come to New York with Callum.

She
needed a clean break. They both did. Kate needed to be somewhere where people didn’t know what happened. Somewhere where every time someone looked at her, their eyes weren’t filled with pity, sadness or worry, telling her that she needed to eat more, or sleep more. That time will be a healer. How she will learn to cope and then move on with her life. That maybe, getting back to work would do her the world of good. That the pain would ease eventually. It was all crap. Kate’s heart was broken and she knew deep inside, she would never get over losing Emily.

What did they know?
They hadn’t the first clue how Kate felt. She wanted to scream and tell them that she didn’t want to learn to cope and move on. Kate couldn’t bear to go to work and spend her day looking after other people’s kids. She wanted to tell them she liked the pain because without it she would feel nothing.

The elevator opened
with a ping and the lady standing waiting for it, stepped in. Kate stopped walking, giving it time to close and she would ride it down alone, once it had returned to her floor. The lady, who had been rummaging in her bag, looked up as the door was beginning to close. Quickly she pushed her hand through the closing door and they sprang back open.

“CRAP, CRAP, CRAP!” She silently scream
ed to herself. Kate hurried to the elevator and smiled at the lady for holding the door for her. “Thanks”.

The doors closed behind Kate
and the elevator jumped to life and drops slowly down through the building.

“You moved into
319 didn’t you?” she stated more so then asked. “I’m Beth Rice.” She offered her hand and Kate quickly shook it.

“Kate
Greyson,” she replied and forced a smile onto her face and she knew it didn’t quite reach her eyes, but Beth seemed not to notice or if she did, she pretended otherwise. “I live in 323, just down the hall from you” she replied and smiled. Beth was a pleasant woman. She had a broad, bright smile and warm, dark brown eyes that twinkled when she smiled. Kate reckoned she was in her mid-fifties, but then she had always been terrible at guessing ages. Callum used to say that was because she spent most of her life looking after kids. The memory made Kate smile, but then a familiar pain shot through her. The same one she would always get when she allowed herself to think about the past.

Kate
realised Beth was still talking and she had no idea what she had said so she just smiled and nodded, wishing in her head that the elevator would move faster.

Finally the door ping
ed open on the ground floor. They both stepped out of the elevator together and headed for the door.

“So how do you like living in New York?”
Beth said before they reached the door. “I take it from the accent you weren’t born in New York”.

“Oh it’s
so far so good,” Kate replied not really knowing what else to say. “And no I am not from New York, I’m from Dublin.”

“Wow
!” Beth said and smiled brightly. “So you are a long way from home”.

“I guess I am,” Kate chuckled
and couldn’t help but smile, this time a genuine one. What is it with this woman? Why did she make Kate feel so comfortable?

“Well if ever you need a friend
,” she said, with a look in her eyes that seemed to see into Kate’s soul.  “I am only down the hall.”

“Thank you
Beth,” Kate replied, totally taken aback by this seemingly ordinary woman. For the first time in months she wanted to talk to someone. She wanted to talk to Beth Rice. “I will keep that in mind”.

They
said their goodbyes and headed their separate ways. After a couple of minutes, Kate realised that she was still smiling, actually proper smiling. And it felt good.

Twenty minutes
later, Kate was sitting in the reception of Doctor Paula Jameson, her therapist, for her usual Wednesday morning appointment. She flicked absentmindedly through one of the magazines that was lying on the table in front of her. She thought about Callum and what happened in the early hours of the morning. Kate’s heart tightened as she thought of his soft words and how she responded.

Why didn’t I tell him I lo
ve him too?
She scolded herself in her mind.  But she knew the answer already. Kate was afraid he would want to talk and she couldn’t. Not with him. She couldn’t have him look at her in pity or in sadness. She didn’t deserve his pity, because she was the one who ruined their lives.

“
Kate,” Dr. Jameson called from the door of her office. Kate looked up and blushed when she saw the doctor smiling at her. She wondered what she would say if she knew what was going through her mind. She placed the magazine back down onto the table and followed the doctor into her office.

Doctor Paula Jameson was a tall, blonde pretty woman, with soft, caring eyes. Kate began to see her two weeks after she arrived in New York. She was recommend by a friend back home who works in the field.

“So,” she said brightly, as they both took their seats. “How have you been this week Kate?”

“Good I guess
,” Kate replied with a sigh, keeping her eyes fixed on the picture of the tiny boats, hanging on the wall just behind the doctor’s chair. Seven tiny white boats in total. Kate stared at this picture every time she came for a session. She found it strangely calming.

“Oh
?” the doctor replied, her voice showing a trace of scepticism. “How are things between you and Callum?”

“Oh you know
,” Kate replied and shrugged, as memories of the night before flashed into her head once more and her heart tightened again. She needed to change the subject quickly. “I had the dream again last night.”

“How long has it been now?”
The doctor asked, watching Kate closely.

“Almost three
weeks,” she replied making eye contact for the first time. Dr. Jameson’s eyes were filled with kindness and pity. Kate looked away immediately.

“
Kate, have you talked to Callum about your dream?” she asked.

“
Callum and I don’t talk about anything,” Kate replied and instantly regretted her honesty.

“And how does that make you feel?” she ask
ed, obviously surprised by Kate’s sudden openness.

“How do you think it makes me feel
?” Kate snapped, suddenly filled with anger at the stupid question. “It kills me that I can’t talk to my husband, much less let him touch me. And he tries, Lord knows he has, but I can’t....I just feel...I...I don’t deserve his love.”

Shit!
Kate thought angrily.
Why did I say that?

“
Kate, what happened with Emily was not your fault” Dr. Jameson replied, her voice soft and reassuring. “You do know that, right?”

“Isn’t it?” Kate replied
looking her in the eyes.  “I was driving. I was angry. I mean if I hadn’t stormed out that day, we wouldn’t have been in the car. I should have gotten her out. The whole thing is my fault.”

“
Kate, the man that hit your car. He was three times over the legal limit,” she said, sitting forward in her chair and taking Kate’s hand. “There was nothing you could have done. You need to stop blaming yourself.”

“I
should have got her out of the car,” Kate repeated, as the memories of that day play out in her head again, as clearly as if it had been just the day before. The moment of panic, as the car left the road. The thunderous splash as the car hit the water. Emily calling out for Kate again and again.  How she couldn’t reach her in the back seat. Then someone pulling her from the car and how she tried to fight them off to try to get back to Emily. Finally, how she couldn’t fight anymore and then the blackness.

“
Kate you tried, but she had climbed down on the floor of the car,” Dr. Jameson tried to reason with Kate. “When the guy who pulled you out of the car, got to the car, he couldn’t see Emily. You know this. This was not your fault”.

“Then why does it feel like
it is?”  Kate replied in a whisper, as hot tears pooled in her eyes and then trickled down her face.

“You need
to forgive yourself Kate,” Dr. Jameson says softly, as she hands her some tissues.

They sa
t in silence for a couple of moments. Kate knew Dr. Jameson was giving her a moment to compose herself.

“Have you thought about my suggestion about getting out and trying to meet new people
?” she finally asks. 

“I have made
a friend,” Kate replied and told herself it wasn’t a total lie. She thought about Beth Rice and their quick conversation, as they rode in the elevator together.

“Really?” Dr. Jameson raised her eyebrow and
sounded very sceptical.

“Yes
!” Kate replied sharply annoyed that she didn’t believe her.

“Well tha
t’s good,” she replied and smiled. Kate nodded, but didn’t reply. And just like that her wall was back up.

Twenty minutes later she
stepped out into the midday sun. She quickly slid her sunglasses on, in the vague hope no one would notice the crazy woman with the puffy red eyes. She took a deep breath and headed for home. Her heart was heavy and her head full of all the crap she had so desperately wanted to forget about.