Something Borrowed (24 page)

‘Never!’

‘Now. Biking wax fails, or I tickle you forever.’

‘Stop! Stop.’

His finger prodded, but then his hand palmed her breast. ‘You like this? You like this. God, I like this. But no more until you tell me.’

‘Okay! I surrender! But you have to promise not to judge me or to laugh. No laughing, okay?’

‘Okay.’ But his mouth was tipped up in a grin, and his shoulders were already shaking.

So she told him about the blue Smurf fluff and her Velcro-ed legs and Sheila/Shona/Sheena, and his eyes grew huge, and he guffawed, pulling up the throw and diving underneath. ‘Show me. Show me.’

She ducked under too, pushing his hands away playfully. ‘You’ve already explored enough, thank you very much.’

‘You are absolute gold, Chloe.’ This was a side of him she didn’t see very often. The man who could be silly and serious and sexy all at the same time. He cupped her face and grinned. ‘You are truly one of a kind. I wish I’d seen it.’

‘No, you really don’t.’

He snuggled against her, his hand reaching down between her thighs. ‘Hey, come to Papa Smurf.’

‘Not bloody likely with that chat-up line.’ But she kissed him anyway, and somehow one thing led to another, and his magic hands made her come
with
Papa Smurf all over again.

I
t took
Chloe a few minutes to anchor herself back to planet Earth. The room was dark save for the glow of her laptop and the orange sheen from the street lamps filtering through the blinds.

‘We are so, so good at that.’ She stretched out her legs one at a time, her eyes closed, breathing in Vaughn’s scent. Her limbs were languid and limp, her heart as full as it had ever been as she grabbed the throw and pulled it back over them. It had suddenly turned cold in the room. ‘Well, wow. I’m definitely not stressed anymore.’

‘Well, fuck it, I bloody well am.’

Chloe’s stomach lurched. That was not Vaughn’s voice, and it wasn’t in her ear or whispering softly over her neck; it ricocheted across the room, bouncing off the walls.

Vaughn jumped up, leaving a cold space between them and a chill in her heart as it thumped loud and hard.

Her eyes snapped open. ‘Jason?’

S
ender
: [email protected]

D
ear Nick
…

Hi Nick!

Nick,

Thanks for today. I love your apartment. Very nice! I like the cool blue paint you’ve chosen for the walls
and the slatted blinds.
(Lame, Jenna!!!!!)

Here’s the website I told you about for the custom shelves:
www.shelfsolutions.co.uk

They’re great and quick and not too expensive.

Er…You know we talked about going out for dinner? Well, the thing is…you see,
you’re too nice, and I’m in a kind of whirl about seeing you
I have trouble getting a babysitter.

I’m scared that you’re so hot, and I’m too fat and that I’m reading things into our conversations. Did I imagine that long pause and the way there was an electrical surge when our hands touched?

S
hit
. Shit and shit. This is rubbish. I can’t even say the things I want to say. I’m so bloody scared about just being even a friend. What kind of person does that make me? Half of one? Because I don’t really feel whole. I haven’t felt whole for a long time.

It’s too hard being brave all the time and sometimes I just want someone to share the difficult times with. I’m so lonely. I know I have Mum and Chloe… but they’ve been such a help for so long I don’t want to keep going on and on. I should feel better by now. I should. But part of me doesn’t want to.

O
kay
…

Nick, I had a lovely time today, too lovely. And it felt so nice to be with someone with no pressure to be anyone but myself. You seemed to accept me exactly for who I am. You were considerate and kind and asked about Evie, and you wanted to see the photos. And when we sat on the packing boxes, and you asked me about Ollie you looked so devastated when I told you. You held my hand and just sat in silence, and I wanted to lean against you and cry and cry and cry. I wanted to lean into your strength and your compassion and I couldn’t because I just can’t let go. Ever. I can’t ever be that person I was, and I mourn for that innocence and the joy I know I’ll never have again.

S
o please don’t be
nice to me again like that. I can’t bear it. My life is all about nits and nurseries and mind-numbing things that a three-year-old wants to hear, and being a mummy and living for my daughter. And your life is just starting again—you’re so positive about your move here and about your future. And I’m so glad you think you’ll be happy back in London.

B
ut for the
first time in a very long time, I found myself thinking about a future too, and that spooked me so badly I wanted to cling to you and to run at the same time. That doesn’t make sense. Well, it does to me. So, until I feel brave enough to step out of my comfort zone and be a new person all over again (and let’s face it, I’ve already pushed myself into a dark corner being this person, and I’ve dug in hard and deep. So deep I’ve kind of got used to it. I don’t like it, but there it is. It’s where I am.) I don’t think I can see you again.

Best of luck

Jenna
x

‘
W
hat the hell
?’ Chloe sat up, blindly reaching for her clothes, which were scattered across the lounge room floor. It felt like a dress-of-shame as she wiggled to the edge of the sofa and grasped her pyjama bottoms with a hand snaking out from beneath the throw.

‘I could say the same.’ Jason glared at them both as he stormed into the room, mocking her words and her voice. ‘What the hell, Chloe? What the hell,
VAUGHN
?’

‘You gave me back your key. So how come…?’ Had she forgotten to lock it? No. It was a Chubb. It locked automatically. ‘I knew I should have changed the bloody locks.’

But there hadn’t been any money for that, for keeping her safe. She’d trusted him to keep away and get on with living his new life. He seemed pretty happy doing that, blithely and selfishly doing what he pleased.

Not anymore, clearly.

He looked very guilty. But not as guilty as he was angry. He shrugged sullenly but remained tight-lipped.

‘Did you have a spare or something?’ Her gut tightened. ‘Oh, my God, did you have a copy made?’

Another shrug. ‘I had one made, yes. In case I needed to see you or come back home. You know, to
our
house.’

Fury started to build in her chest despite the fact she was trying to drag on inside-out pyjamas. If this was on the TV, it would have been funny. It wasn’t. It bloody well wasn’t. ‘This is
my
home, Jason. You have nothing to do with it; you made sure of that when you demanded a payout.’

But Jason had tuned out; he was too busy staring down his cousin. ‘What the fuck are you doing here?’

‘Isn’t that obvious?’ Vaughn looked indignant, and if he hadn’t been such an honourable man, she had no doubt he’d have smashed his cousin to the floor. He didn’t. Staying covered by the throw, he pulled on his jeans and his T-shirt. Then he stood up and pointed to the door, simultaneously handing Chloe her pyjama top. He snarled at Jason, ‘Outside.’ It wasn’t an invitation; it was an order. ‘Can’t you see Chloe needs some privacy?’

‘I wondered where you’d gone after football. We always have a drink after.’ Jason looked his cousin up and down and tried his hand at sneering; it came out more like a playground whine. ‘If anyone’s going to leave, it’s you.’

Vaughn reared up. He was at least six inches taller than Jason and broader. But his inner strength came to the fore, calming his voice, keeping him steady. ‘I said, come outside, Jason, just for a few minutes. We can all talk once Chloe’s got some clothes on.’

Jason shook his head. ‘It is true, then? You and her?’

Chloe turned to Vaughn, unable to believe he hadn’t done as she’d asked. Her voice was a whisper as she asked him, ‘Did you… did you tell him when I asked you not to?’

He turned to her, registering surprise. ‘Of course I didn’t. What do you think I am?’

‘Tell me what?’ Jason’s hard, black eyes bore first into Vaughn, then into her as he assessed the situation. For once, he joined the dots correctly. ‘It’s not hard to work it out. You were dancing at that wedding, and his car’s parked outside. You’re doing it… in my house. On my sofa.’ He clearly couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud. It had been fine when he was
doing it
with someone else in Chloe’s bed.

She wouldn’t lower herself to his level and have that argument. Finally dressed and feeling more confident and infinitely angrier, Chloe raised her head. ‘Why are you here? Are you drunk again?’

‘No. I’m very clearheaded right now, actually.’ Jason took a step forward, but Vaughn didn’t let him past, shielding her. ‘I want to talk to you, Chloe. But only when he’s gone.’

Vaughn shook his head. ‘I’m not going anywhere, so whatever it is you want to say, say it.’

There were a few long moments of silence as the men weighed each other up, like alpha lions assessing other males. Chloe looked from one to the other, wishing someone would say something, do something. The tension wrapped around them and tightened.

Eventually, Jason nodded. ‘So be it. I’ll say it anyway and then see what happens.’

‘Say what?’ She had a really bad feeling about this.

Really bad.

Vaughn’s eyebrows rose, but he nodded, indicating to Jason to speak.

Her ex stepped forward, took her hand and made her sit on the sofa. She felt vulnerable there, with these two men standing above her, so tall. So much testosterone, so much at stake—family ties were at risk here. A lifetime of connection compared to a month she’d shared with Vaughn. Too many years with Jace. It felt as if the room were closing in on her. ‘Okay, boys, I’m going to stand up, too. Or you can both sit. Either which, I don’t care. But somebody move.’

Vaughn didn’t move one muscle.

Chloe stood.

Jason was still holding her hand, so he had to stand too. And they were all three of them cramped into her tiny lounge as if in some bad Victorian melodrama. One suitor grasping her hand, the other watching and grimacing. Only, of course, Vaughn was no suitor, he was… what was he?
A bit of fun.

Ah, yes.

But the truth was, he was so much more than that, and right now watching her messy life unfold, instead of being impressed by her witty repartee about Smurf genitals and her not-committed hot, sexy kisses.

Her throat felt as if it was closing over.

Jason smiled, gently, tentatively. He pushed a lock of her hair back behind her ear with a hand that was, surprisingly, trembling. In his eyes, she could see he was scared, truly scared, and possibly being honest for the first time in his life. She didn’t want to hear what he was going to say, but it was like watching a car crash unfold… she couldn’t not hear it either.

‘Thing is, Chloe, I made a mistake. A big bloody mistake, and I’m not afraid to say so. I know what I did was unforgivable, so I’m not expecting you to forgive me. But I want you to know that I love you.’

Vaughn coughed. Chloe glanced up at him, but he still didn’t move. His eyes were burning into Jason’s back with such animosity that it made her heart almost split in two. These men were cousins. This was her fault.

And yet, despite everything he’d done, there was still a scant affection there for Jason. She’d been with him for a very long time. She hadn’t fallen out of love easily; she’d fought it for a while, fought it hard.

They’d shared a lot—a long past and dreams of a future together. She remembered the day he proposed, down on one knee at the top of the London Eye. The way he’d waited, breathless for her answer, like an anxious schoolboy. The day when Ollie died, and he’d cradled her in his arms and whispered sweet things to her all night. The way they used to go out dancing to Vixen nightclub, which was a dive, but was their dive where they met up with their group of weird and wonderful friends and laughed and danced into the early hours.

They’d had some good times. Some very good times. But it wasn’t enough. Nowhere near. He’d been gutless and unfaithful. ‘I’m sorry, Jason. I don’t want you to love me.’

‘But we could start again. I miss you, babe. I want to come home.’ He scrubbed a hand across his face, and for a moment, she thought he was crying.

Yes, there were tears in his eyes.

None in hers. ‘What about Amy?’

Jason looked back at his cousin, shook his head, then turned to Chloe. ‘I’ve left her.’

Vaughn cursed loudly.

‘Oh. Oh, I see. With a baby on the way, too?’ She didn’t know what to make of this. How to feel. Because once upon a time, she’d wanted him to come home and beg for her forgiveness, to admit his faults and want to work harder on their relationship. She’d wanted him to declare his love for her in front of witnesses in a church. Although, in private would have done. She’d just wanted him to love her as much as she’d loved him.

She didn’t love him now, though. What she’d felt for him was nothing compared to the way Vaughn made her feel.

Which meant…

Did it?

Vaughn’s voice split the room. ‘You were complaining to everyone at football that Amy kicked you out.’

‘Ah.’ That certainly went some way to explaining things. Chloe was the fallback, the default. That indignancy she’d seen on Vaughn’s face now welded to her chest. ‘Did she find your dating profile. Searching4You? Is that why? The fact you’ve been trying—probably succeeding, although God knows how—to cheat while she’s pregnant. The fact you’ve had a dating profile for
five years
?’

Jason let her hand drop. ‘How do you know? Have you been checking up on me?’

‘Don’t flatter yourself. Now, I think you need to go.’

But he stayed exactly where he was. What was it with these men? No one seemed capable of budging at all. ‘Give me one more chance, Chloe. I’ll get it right. I’ll be the perfect husband. We can start again, something new. It’ll be better. We can be so much more. I’ll overlook this… Vaughn issue.’

She actually laughed. Was he serious? ‘Oh, that’s very generous of you. But I don’t want you back. I wouldn’t have you back even if you did actually turn up at a church and swear everlasting love to me in front of the bloody Queen.’

‘That’s not what you said when you begged me to come home. When you phoned me in the middle of the night—how many times?’ Jason’s tone started to turn nasty, his eyes narrowing to dark slits. ‘It started to frighten Amy. And all those texts, Chloe—’

‘Stop it. Shut up. I was hurting. You hurt me.’ Her cheeks were burning. She’d buried deep just how hard she’d tried to get Jason to see sense and come back to her. Then, how she’d just wanted an explanation. How low she’d actually been. Forgotten or pushed it aside as an embarrassing part of her life she
wanted
to forget. Now her humiliation was complete as Vaughn looked at her.

Pity.
That’s what she saw in his eyes. Pity and other emotions fighting there too—things she couldn’t read, things she’d never ever seen before in him. Probably a huge dose of regret of ever having met her at all, and a desire to get the hell out of here as quickly as possible.

He walked over to Jason, towering above him. ‘You heard her, Jason. She doesn’t want anything from you. I think you’d better go.’

But Jason wasn’t listening; he’d written a script in his head and was repeating words he’d rehearsed. She was supposed to say yes, she assumed and run into his arms. And only a month ago, she might just have thought about agreeing to start again—before she’d discovered the dating profile, obviously—with ground rules and a lot of talking. Talking like she did with Vaughn. About things that mattered and about stuff that didn’t. About everything and nothing.

But Jason was still going on. ‘We can start again. I’ll help you run
Something Borrowed
. This time, we’ll make it work. And I will marry you. We could have a quiet wedding, do all the things you wanted to do. Travel. Have babies. Lots of them. Settle down—chase all those dreams you had.’

Vaughn’s voice got louder. ‘She said no, Jason.’

Jason swivelled round. ‘Was this your plan, mate? When you sat me down and convinced me not to marry her? When you told me I’d be an idiot to say I do to Chloe Cassidy? You just wanted some action with my bride?’

‘Vaughn? What the hell?’ It felt as if someone had struck her in the chest. ‘You
convinced
him to jilt me at the altar?’

Very slowly, Vaughn turned to her. His eyes closed briefly, then opened again as he nodded, but he didn’t scrabble around for lies. He lowered his voice, steady. ‘He said he wasn’t sure if you were the right person for him, but was going to marry you anyway. It was a hell of a lot more than second thoughts as far as I could see; it was a recipe for disaster. I didn’t think it was the right thing to do.’

‘So he didn’t want to end it?’ She wanted to hear that it was because Jason was too much of a coward to face her in the church with all those people, that he’d planned to talk to her privately but was so wracked with grief he couldn’t find words. That he’d loved her too much, that he’d had things he needed to sort out before he could commit to her, but that he would and with all his heart. Not this—not that Vaughn had made him stand her up.

Vaughn continued, still in that steady voice. ‘I told him you couldn’t live a lie and that either he called it off, or I would.’

‘So he didn’t want to end it?’ Incredulous, she looked from Vaughn to Jason, back to Vaughn. ‘But, hang on, he was sleeping with my bridesmaid.’

‘He was torn between the two of you; he said that it was possible to love two people at once. I thought that was a cop-out. Actually, it was the biggest pile of crap I ever heard.’

‘And so you told him to jilt me at the altar instead? It was your idea to make a huge fool of me in front of the guests. To get me arrested, to be in the bloody paper? A laughingstock.’

Vaughn took a few steps forward until he was standing in front of her, reaching out to her, but still clearly satisfied that he’d behaved correctly. ‘Chloe, if there could have been another way, believe me, I would have done it. It was too late to do anything else.’

She pushed him away, all the emotions from that day swimming in her heart. Loss. Disbelief. Anger. And the shocking thought that she just may love him. The one thing she really shouldn’t do. Couldn’t do. Especially now. ‘Thank you for the most humiliating day of my life.’

Vaughn tipped her chin and looked into her eyes. ‘I’m sorry it had to be me. But I’m not sorry I did it. I know it broke your heart, but you couldn’t have married him and lived a lie.’

‘But why you?’

‘Because you needed to hear the truth and I couldn’t trust anyone—particularly him—to tell that to you.’

Yes, she knew how much Vaughn believed in honesty. She could imagine him back then trying to talk sense into his cousin and then, having failed to do so, deciding that someone had to do the honourable thing.

Suddenly, it was all too much for her to think about. A cold, thick weight settled in her chest. Everything was, indeed, too complicated even by her standards. She needed some time to get her head around everything. ‘I think you both need to go.’

‘Me too?’ Vaughn stared at her, confused.

‘Yes. You, too. Just for a little while. I need some space.’ She looked right back at him, her heart breaking at the way his eyes were soft, but questioning. He was unsure—she could tell—about what the next step should be. He had no clue how to deal with this, and neither did she. She gave him a weak smile. ‘Yeah, I know. Complicated.’