Something Borrowed (20 page)

Chloe didn’t know why she wanted to hear about his Lost Love; she only knew that she did. ‘It might explain a few things. It’s part of you—it’s good to know why you’re the person you’ve become. If I asked about your childhood, you’d talk about that, right?’

One shoulder rose and fell. ‘I guess.’

‘And about your restaurants, and your parents? Family? Pets?’

‘Of course.’

‘So why not talk about Bella? Unless… unless it’s still too painful.’

He frowned. ‘If it was, I wouldn’t be here.’

Good.
Because she so did not want to be the rebound shag. Even if that was what he was. Was he? Actually, there was nothing about the end of her relationship with Jason that had spurred her to sleep with Vaughn. If anything, her experiences with Jason had had her running from any man. She hadn’t needed sex to obliterate him from her head. Far from it, she’d wanted Vaughn to fill her mind with all those wondrous scents and tastes and memories and… yes, emotions too. She wanted to feel attractive, to be more than a sister, daughter, businesswoman. She didn’t know whether that was the same kind of thing for Vaughn. ‘I did wonder.’

‘It was so long ago, Chloe. Such a long time ago.’ He seemed to understand then that she needed to know he’d compartmentalised his feelings for Bella and done the same with any feelings he may have for Chloe. That they were separate and in no way linked. That he’d managed to lock his past back where it should be. Because she knew, despite how hard you tried, past experiences made you act in a certain way, made it harder for you to trust or to give your heart. She knew because she was struggling herself with this. She liked Vaughn—she liked him a lot—but she’d liked Jason too, and that hadn’t ended well.

She wanted this to end well. Or not end at all.

He sat up and stacked the pillows against the wall before leaning against them. But that didn’t seem to give him any comfort, so he turned and faced her, a sheet covering the most exquisite part of him. ‘We met at uni. We were friends first—’

‘I didn’t realise you went to university. But then I only ever got snippets of your life from Jason… and he probably only got snippets from your mum? Right?’

‘Like I’ve said before, Jason and I are cousins, and we made that best man pact years ago. Neither of us felt we could break it. But we’re not close. I hardly wrote to him every week with details of my life.’ He held her hand as he spoke, intertwining his fingers into hers and resting them on his thigh. ‘I completed the first year and a term of the second. Then Bella got ill; lots of non-specific things that she shrugged off because it didn’t suit her to go see a doctor. Basically, we were too busy having fun. But then she got really sick, and we couldn’t ignore the obvious fact that something was seriously wrong. I took her to the hospital where she was diagnosed with cancer, and when she was forced to leave her studies to get urgent treatment, I followed. It was too much for her to go to those sessions on her own, have her appointments, and no one there to be with her.’

‘That would have been hard for you to go through. What about her parents and other friends?’

Again with a shrug of one shoulder. ‘She wanted me to be there, so I was. Her mum was devastated and dramatic, and that didn’t help Bella at all. I ended up being a buffer between them.’

‘I imagine that she reacted like that purely just out of love for her daughter?’ Chloe imagined how she would react to Evie getting seriously ill. Then she struck that thought from her head. She wasn’t going there.

‘It was. It came from a good place, but Bella couldn’t cope with all the tears and the
cloud of doom
, she called it. Bella was one of those once-in-a-lifetime people you meet.’ His eyes lit up at the thought of her. Light and darkness. ‘She was so upbeat, a little whacky, and full of plans and ideas and dreams. We planned that when she finished her treatment, we’d go travelling and see everything she wanted to see.’

‘Sounds lovely.’ Chloe sensed there was a ‘but’ coming.

‘But she didn’t finish her treatment. The chemo made her feel terrible. There were days when she couldn’t lift her head from the pillow, she had no energy, she was being violently sick and in the end, she decided that this wasn’t any way to live and that the chemo was only prolonging her life, not curing the cancer. That she’d rather spend the days she had left seeing wonderful things and living well.’

‘With you.’

‘With me.’

There was a lump in her throat, now, at the life that was interrupted at such a young age. And guilt too, that because Bella died, Chloe could be here with him at all. He’d done nothing except give everything he had to this woman. How could Bella not have loved him? ‘What kind of cancer was it?’

‘Liver. It had spread. There wasn’t any hope. There would never be any respite or all-clear… we were kidding ourselves. They were just words I used to make each day more bearable.’

‘Did you get far in your travels?’

He smiled at some memory. ‘We got as far as Paris, and then she became too ill to do anything else. The cancer spread rapidly, and I had to bring her home. She didn’t want to come back. She begged me not to bring her home because she knew then she was going to die. But I had to; we had no way of getting treatment in France. I didn’t speak the language back then. I couldn’t let her die there.’ The smile was gone now along with the light as he shook his head. ‘It felt like I’d failed her.’

Chloe squeezed his hand. ‘But you did all that. You put your life on hold for her. You didn’t fail her. You loved her.’

‘Yes. Yes, I did.’

They sat for a few moments in silence as this all sunk in. She let him live through his memories, saying nothing. What could she say? What could she do? He’d been through something life-defining, something devastating, and it felt, to Chloe, as if some of her own joy had been stolen too. All the while Vaughn had been going through this, his cousin had been planning weddings, living his life, two-timing his girlfriend and never mentioned a thing. ‘I still can’t believe Jason wouldn’t have known some of this.’

‘I didn’t broadcast it. Jason and I weren’t in touch much then. My family tried to understand why I’d dropped out of university. They didn’t particularly like Bella—she was too fiery for them, and they thought she’d ruined my life chances. Mum kept it quiet.’

He sat looking hollowed out, eyes rimmed with black and edged with a terrible emptiness. Chloe felt that asking more would be intruding on something too intimate and painful. But she didn’t really know what to do or say next. She knew enough from what Jenna went through that there was nothing that could heal such intense loss. That living each day, no matter how hard, was the only way to survive. He’d been so young. So in love.

And he’d trusted her enough to share his most painful moments with her.

She also knew that sometimes there were just not enough words to offer or to comfort, so she sat with him in the half-light, her hand over his, feeling vulnerable and naked and… intrusive. ‘I’m so sorry, Vaughn. That must have been terrible to live through.’

‘Actually, she was very upbeat. She grasped at life and chased it hard. She was never going to let the cancer beat her spirit, even if it beat her physically. She was a lot of fun; you’d have liked her.’

‘I’m sure I would.’

‘She was a lot like you. But different, you know.’

Chloe didn’t know how that was supposed to make her feel. But there was a chasm in her chest, and it was filling with panic and loss. She was here because some other woman had died. She was the second choice, second best. And yet, she still felt honoured that he’d chosen her.

As if suddenly waking from a dream, he shook his head and raked a hand over his face. ‘God, I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Passion killer, or what?’

‘I did ask.’

‘I shouldn’t have gone on.’

‘It’s okay. It’s not as if any of us come baggage-free, is it? We all have pasts; we’ve all been through something and survived. It’s good to talk about it.’

‘No, it isn’t, and not here. I’m sorry.’ He glanced around her bedroom as if realising for the first time that he’d committed the sin of talking about his first true love after sex with someone he wasn’t committed to. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her down the bed. ‘Let me make it up to you.’

‘No, really. It’s fine. I like that we’re being honest. I like that. Whatever happens between us, let’s always be honest.’

‘Yes. Okay. Yes. Let’s always be honest.’ A slow, small smile grew on his lips, and he was transformed back to the vibrant man she knew. ‘Fancy something to eat?’

‘Is that all you think about?’

‘No, I think about other things too, but yes, food and sex, mainly. A great combination, yes?’ After everything he’d just said, it didn’t feel appropriate to think about a rerun of the earlier fridge-food-sex journey they’d been on. She wanted to hold him, to feel that vibrant heart beating against hers. What he’d just shared had been huge and marked a deepening of whatever it was that was happening here. ‘No. I think I’m going to go to sleep. It’s been a long night.’

‘Chloe.’

‘Yes?’

‘Thanks. You know, for listening. It was an intense couple of years.’ He traced a finger down her cheek. ‘But now you know why I can’t do any more than this.’

Her gut contracted into a tight ball. ‘Because you won’t be able to find anyone else to replace her? Or like Jenna, because you just don’t believe you can love anyone else like that?’

‘No. Because I promised her I wouldn’t. She made me promise to do everything on her list, and I did. And more. I visited all those places, climbed higher, swam deeper, took weird medicine in Peru that made me sick for weeks. Bungee-jumped in New Zealand. Visited Uluru. She made me promise to work hard and be successful, and I eventually settled down enough to do that, and to name my first restaurant after her. That was a joke and a dare, but I honoured it. Finally, she made me promise never to love anyone else the way I loved her.’ He shrugged, but it wasn’t nonchalant, it was more determined. ‘And I haven’t.’

Whoa. That was a big promise to make at such a young age. Surely he could see that? But maybe he couldn’t. ‘And you’re okay with that? Wouldn’t she want you to fall in love with someone and have a family and live a life she couldn’t?’

He blew out a long sigh. ‘I don’t know. I’ve never met anyone to make me question it. It’d have to be a pretty special person to have me rethink the promises I’ve lived by for over a decade, right?’

‘Yes, yes it would.’ Chloe dug deep for a reassuring smile, trying to cover up the dismay spiralling through her. ‘Hey, after my disastrous year, I’m hardly looking for anything intense, either.’

And she wasn’t. Truly. Having any kind of relationship would be the kiss of death to her sanity. Maybe sometime in the future, when things had settled more for her. Ever since she’d found out about Amy’s pregnancy, Chloe had been troubled by a sense of being misplaced and off balance. And she couldn’t help thinking it was because there was something deep inside her that wanted the things that Amy had. Sometime. But there was so much she had to do first.

‘Great. We’re on the same page, as they say. Yuk… I know, it’s a horrible saying.’ Vaughn kissed her on her nose and brought her close to him. ‘Right. Let’s go into the lounge.’

‘Why?’

‘Because the mood’s gone too dark in here. We need a change of scenery. Come on.’

After dragging on some boxers, he took her hand and pulled her from the bed, waited until she’d fastened a dressing gown around her waist, then led her through to the lounge. He pulled up the blind and peered outside. The sky was a livid orange as the sun started to spread long fingers of pale light across the horizon. Thin white clouds streaked the mauve sky. ‘It’s a new day, Chloe. Look at that. It’s amazing.’

She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say and found it hard enough to speak with the rock in her throat. ‘Yes. It’s very beautiful.’

He turned to her, pressed his mouth to the nape of her neck and hugged her close. ‘So are you. Come here.’

She should have told him then that there were strange things happening in her chest, that his story had made her like him more, and that far from being okay with his assertion that they couldn’t get involved, she thought she might already be falling too hard for him.

She should have been honest, as they’d agreed.

But she said nothing because she truly hoped that this ache in her body was because of the amazing sex, her food-porn dream fulfilment, and his sad story, all on top of a wonderful orgasm or three. And that when he went, so would the clutch in her chest and so would the hope zinging around her body at his touch.

So she went willingly into his arms, but there was a sad hollow in her heart and a voice in her head that asked over and over and over,
‘So what does this all mean?’

And the only answer she could find was that she honestly didn’t know.

C
hloe woke with a jolt
. Something heavy pressed across her stomach—the weight of his arm as he cradled her to him. The divine scent of Vaughn lingered in the air.

A child laughing. Footsteps past her window, out on the street.

There was bright light outside now, but it felt like it was still the middle of the night. Having been distracted into doing more amazing things, wonderful things into the early hours, she had so not had enough sleep. Everything was out of kilter.

And he was still here. It had never ever been so perfect with anyone else. Well, Jason was the only other anyone else, and being with Vaughn had not been anything like being with Jason. Another level, another league.

Another thing to worry about.

She sat up straight, then looked over at his bare solid chest, the soft dark curls of his hair and the insanely-long-and-should-be-illegal eyelashes. God, he was divine.

Things had changed between them. How were they meant to move forward after this? After everything he’d told her about Bella, could he even have space in his heart for anyone else? Would he even want to or was Chloe just a stepping stone to healing?

And what the hell was that noise? Feet stamping. A herd of wildebeest in her lounge?

‘Coo-ee! Wake up, Aunty Chlo! We’re here for you to play. Remember? For the day? Where are you?’ The bedroom door swung open. ‘Oh! Shoot. Sorry—’ Jenna’s voice lowered to a stage whisper, ‘Evie, no, don’t go in, Aunty Chloe’s still… asleep. Come with Mama into the lounge. Let’s wait for her in there.’

Chloe’s gut knotted tight. Play for the day? When had they—? Then a fragment of memory popped into her head. Jenna’s friend. The moving day. Evie. Oh, and the fact she’d told her sister that there was nothing between her and Vaughn. That she’d believed it herself.

Things were definitely infinitely more complicated now.

‘Shit. Shit, and double shit. Vaughn, I just need to get up. I’m sorry.’ Wrapping the top sheet around her, she struggled out from under his arm and stood up.

‘What’s wrong? Come back here…’ It was an
I want to eat you up
, kind of growl. And she had to admit that, with the stubble and the ruffled hair, he did look a little like a dangerous big bad wolf.

‘I’m supposed to be looking after my niece today.’

‘Oh. You want me to leave?’ As reality finally seeped into his brain, he sat up and rubbed a hand over his face. He had sleep lines, mussed up hair and looked less than perfect, which made him, consequently, more than perfect. Because he was human after all, not some kind of god.

He was human, and here, and probably had enough faults to put her off him. Although she hadn’t found them yet, despite how hard she kept looking. He’d nursed his sick girlfriend for God’s sake, taken her to Paris for her last days. Lived to Bella’s rules for ten years. Named a restaurant after her.

He was a bloody hero.

‘Not sure how making a grand entrance would look or what kind of impression you would make wandering through the lounge and out the door. Or what lesson little Evie will learn.’ She looked down at him, still half asleep, still gorgeous, still… a little out of reach. Because even though they’d shared so much last night, it was clear there was still a part of him that he held back. A part that she doubted he’d ever give to anyone else. It was the part that would mean the difference between absolute and half-hearted. And, unfortunately, it was the bit of him she thought she might want, the sharing of himself, that deeper part of him. The soul-mate thing that people talked about. The thing he’d had with Bella. ‘Maybe you should stay in here for a little while longer, lay low. I need to go talk to Jenna on my own. She’s not going to be too impressed.’

His voice warmed her through. ‘Chloe, it’s not a crime you know. We did something very natural and normal.’

‘I know. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I preferred it when I hated you, to be honest. Now I don’t know what to feel or think apart from embarrassed. My sister’s here, so I don’t have time for this.’

‘Then don’t think. Come here.’ He flung the duvet off and strode to her, butt naked and so completely and utterly at ease with himself. He wrapped strong warm arms around her and planted a chaste kiss on her head. ‘Whatever you want, Chloe. I’ll stay here until you think it’s a good time for me to come out, or I’ll jump out the window now and run home.’

‘Naked?’

‘If that would make you happy and stop you fretting.’

She pushed a little on his chest, because if she stood here too long, she’d be tempted to never leave this room again. ‘Don’t keep doing that.’

‘What?’

‘Being so nice to me. I don’t know how to think when you do that.’

‘Okay, go. Talk to your sister. But you probably should put some clothes on…’ His fingers ran teasingly along the top of the sheet, which she tightly clutched across her chest. She fought the urge to let him tear the sheet from her and take her there on the bedroom floor. Again. She fought the urge to kiss him quiet, to straddle him on the bed, to lay in his arms again and sleep forever. He grinned as if reading her mind. ‘Unless you want your niece to think it’s Halloween and you’re playing ghost dress-ups.’

‘Oh. God. Evie.’ Chloe grabbed a T-shirt and old pair of jeans from her wardrobe and literally threw them on. With one last look over her shoulder, she reluctantly left him there along with her questions and worries.

* * *

‘
W
hat the hell
are you doing?
Vaughn Brooks
? Really? What is it with you and him?’ Jenna hissed through clenched teeth. She was standing, arms folded, watching over her daughter who was jumping on and off the sofa with a wand in one hand and a light sabre in the other.

Jenna didn’t seem cross, more disappointed, which made Chloe feel worse. ‘It’s just—’

‘No, spare me the details. I know exactly what it is, and I don’t want Evie to see it or hear it or know about it. You promised you’d do this one thing for me, Chloe, and look at you. Dishevelled, tired.’ Jenna shook her head. ‘You look thoroughly and totally exhausted. I’m guessing there wasn’t much sleep last night? Do you need to go back for a lie down? Evie needs someone with a bit of energy today, so I can ask Mrs Singh to have her if you’re too tired.’

At the sound of her name, Evie looked up and laughed. ‘Aunty Chloe, I’m a buzzy bee. Look.’ Then she jumped off the sofa screaming, ‘Buzz! Buzz! Buzzy bee!’

Even though her head started to pound and her nerves began to jangle, Chloe smiled. Because,
Evie
. ‘I’m perfectly fine. Don’t you think I’m capable of taking care of my niece?’

‘Of course I know you can.’ Jenna busied herself by emptying Evie’s backpack of containers of food, plastic toys, colouring books and pens and stacking them all on the desk next to the USB stick, which made Chloe think all over again about the man in the room next door. Stifling the smile, she zoned back into her sister’s voice. ‘It’s about taking care of yourself, of your heart, Chlo. It’s you I’m worried about. You’ve just spent three months in a foul mood and in some kind of depressive funk, and now you leap into bed with the first man that asks, who just happens to be Jason’s relative. His
best man
. You need to draw a line under all that and start fresh. Are you trying to get back at him, is that it? Trying to make Jason jealous? What are you thinking?’

Don’t think.

Good advice, because her head was filled with too many questions and scenarios to do with last night. She was leaping too far ahead, and she needed to focus on Evie. ‘You weren’t worried when you came up with the Love Plan, were you? None of this is about Jason, it’s about me, and having some fun. Just leave it, Jenna. Okay? When will you be back?’

‘I don’t know. It depends on how much we get done. I’ll try not to be too late.’

‘Don’t worry. Stay out as long as you want.’

Jenna glanced at Chloe’s hurriedly thrown on clothes and shook her head, again. ‘Do you want me to stay while you at least shower?’

‘No. No, I’m great.’

‘You need a shower, girlfriend. and a hairbrush. ’ Jenna gave a reluctant, small smile as she ran a hand down Chloe’s matted bed hair. ‘But you do look great, to be honest. Glowing for the first time in a long time. Sex suits you. You look happy.’

‘Yeah, it was good.’ Which was weird, because although she had a whole lot of doubts about the wisdom of sleeping with Vaughn, she did certainly feel a kernel of something blooming hot, raw and fierce in her chest, which was probably better to be ignored and not encouraged. He’d only ever been honest with her, and that had gone as far as warning her not to get attached or involved with him. And she had a bad feeling she was at risk of being both. ‘Go. Go and meet up with your friend and enjoy yourself. Go and be Jenna the woman, not Jenna the mum, or the daughter, sister or florist, or anything else. Go enjoy.’

Jenna gave a weary shrug that was at once filled with sadness and something Chloe could only describe as trepidation. Tears glistened in Jenna’s eyes, and she looked somehow smaller than she was as if she was curling into herself. ‘Thing is, Chloe, I’m not sure I know how to be anything other than Jenna, the struggling widow.’

‘Oh, sweetie.’ Even going out to meet an old friend was a huge step for her sister who had thrown all her life and breath into surviving her husband’s death, fighting the sometimes morbid desire to follow him into the grave, and struggling to live for her daughter. Distracted by work and the business and now by Vaughn, Chloe hadn’t paid enough attention to her sister’s needs recently. She still needed her, no matter how much she pretended she was coping at single motherhood. Instead of being supportive and open to listening, Chloe had been defensive and secretive and argumentative with her mother, which had made the usually tight-knit three Cassidy women disparate and disconnected. That was exactly the kind of thing Jenna didn’t need in her life.

Guilt wriggled into the mix of confusion and tiredness as she wrapped her sister in a hug and squeezed. Hard. ‘You’ll get there, gorgeous girl. A wise person recently taught me that sometimes it’s good not to think at all. Go and just have fun. Relax, be yourself. Go and play house. I love you.’

‘I love you too. Okay, I’ll be off.’ Jenna tugged her fleece jacket closer around her shoulders, but her hands were shaking, and her voice was just a little weaker than normal. ‘Now, be good.’

Chloe glanced over to Evie, who was tearing paper into tiny little pieces and throwing them in the air screeching, ‘It’s snowing! It’s snowing!’

And her heart melted. ‘She will be.’

Jenna fixed Chloe with a stern look. ‘I was talking to you.’

T
hirty minutes later
, Chloe was drawing very amateur superheroes for Evie to colour-in when Vaughn’s head appeared at the door. ‘Safe to come out?’

‘Who’s dat?’ Evie’s head shot up at the sound of a male voice. ‘Man? Who’s that man?’

‘Hello. I’m Vaughn.’ Now fully dressed, showered and back to his more-than-perfect appearance, he walked across the room, took Evie’s hand and shook it gently, giving her the kind of smile that Chloe knew melted most women’s hearts. Any minute now and Evie, hooked, lined and sinkered by him, would be lying down and getting him to rub her tummy. ‘I’m Evie.’

‘Yes, I’ve heard a lot about you. Evie, do you like pancakes?’

Eyes huge, she nodded as she beamed up at him.

‘Good, because I’m going to make some. Berries, honey and chocolate. Breakfast of champions.’ He threw a questioning look at Chloe, who was trying hard not to be affected by his charm and kindness. ‘Okay with you, Chloe? I’m starving. Haven’t eaten anything in a while.’

And she knew he was referring to last night, and the glint in his eye told her he was definitely hungry for more.

But she wasn’t sure how to react to him with a small child in their company, and her focus had to be on her niece today and not worrying about the man she’d just slept with. Maybe it would just be better if he left them to it. ‘Not sure I have the right ingredients for pancakes.’

‘Judging by the contents of your cupboards, I’d already factored in a trip to the corner shop.’

‘Me come?’ Evie jumped up and fitted her tiny hand into his large one, and Chloe saw the softening in his eyes. She felt an equal softening in her chest, which she was determined to fight.

‘No, Evie. You stay here with me, love. Vaughn can go on his own.’

‘Aww. Want go shops.’ The little girl spun around twice with her hand in his, tangled her Wellington-boot clad feet and bumped onto the floor. She rubbed her bottom. ‘Ouchy.’

‘Ouchy, indeed. She’s fine to come with me. If you’ll let her.’ Vaughn picked her up before kissing Chloe gently on her head. ‘Have a shower. Take some time out. We won’t be long.’

‘If you’re sure?’ How would Jenna feel if she knew Chloe had let a man they hardly knew take her daughter to the shops? ‘Actually, you know what? I think I’ll come with you. I’ll shower when we get back. I fancy some fresh air.’

‘Whatever you want.’ He whipped Evie into the air, sat her on his shoulders and with a cry of ‘Duck your head down!’ as he went through the doorway, they were off.