Somebody Tell Aunt Tillie She's Dead (Toad Witch Series, Book One) (36 page)

“I thought you were going to save me.” I said, remembering.

“I did. I did save you. I would have been here sooner, but do you have any idea how long it takes to get zombie powder? Not to mention the antidote? Without a medical license? I had to screw three registered nurses and then talk each one into committing petty theft.”

“But… I thought… There isn’t any antidote…” I said, struggling to remember.

“No, you’re right. If you were in Haiti and you got buried for three days, your brain would have been irreparably cooked. The equivalent of a frontal lobotomy.”

“But you saved me? How?”

“Oxygen. Massive quantities of oxygen. And a combo injection of adrenaline to get your heart beating and fludrocortisone to increase your blood pressure.”

Then he shoved a piece of black bread, covered in salt, in my mouth.

“Eat it. I’ve got your body back, but I want to make sure your spirit stays put.”

I coughed and choked, but I ate it. Once I was done, he led me to the bathroom, where he had filled a tub with cold, salty water. He made me strip and lay down in it, to shut down the access points on my body. Especially the back of my neck and my forehead.

“Better?”

“Freezing,” I said, shivering. “But I could kiss you. The first vial was zombie powder, right? What was that second vial of powder you used?”

“Bone dust and graveyard dirt. Both vials courtesy of Momma Lua. We never want to piss that woman off.”

I took a hot shower to warm up, then we went down into the hidden temple room to find Grundleshanks. His tank was on the altar and he was looking thin and forlorn.

“Poor Grundleshanks. He looks hungry.”

We took him upstairs and Gus dropped three crickets into his tank.

I was still feeling weak, so I sat on the couch. “You have impeccable timing. How’d you know I needed you right this very minute?”

“It started with Grundleshanks. I kept seeing this totally freaked out little toad in my dreams. I figured if you were freaking out the toad, you were in serious trouble. And then this old lady showed up in my scrying mirror and told me to get my ass out here right now. And when I tried to ignore her, she started breaking all of my mirrors. Scrying, magickal, mundane. Even my refrigerator magnet mirror. Bitch. Then she started haunting my dreams and showing me some scary-ass images of you.”

I smiled. Aunt Tillie. She was nothing if not inventive.

“After that, I went to Mama Lua’s and we did a little seer work. We got just enough info to seriously freak me the fuck out. Even Mama Lua was worried about you and she doesn’t worry about anyone.”

I looked out the window at the late afternoon sun and suddenly felt like I was going to pass out.
Lucien.
I had forgotten about Lucien.

“Cripes. Are you okay? You’re turning blue. Lay down. Breathe. While I take full credit for bringing you back from the dead, I think it’s time to get you to a hospital.”

“I can’t,” I croaked. “Lucien will be here any minute.” Even with everything that had gone on, I couldn’t believe I had almost forgotten about Lucien.

I filled Gus in on Lucien’s not-so-final demise, his need for a body, and his possession of Paul.

“You said he was looking for a body so that he could cross over when he dies, instead of being stuck here forever. Problem solved,” he joked. “He comes home, we chop off his head.”

I glared at Gus, not amused. “Don’t even joke about that. I’m attached to that particular body.”

“We can use the zombie powder, but I don’t have any more of the antidote left. If it kills him, it’s not a pretty death. And if he manages to survive the first three days, it’ll be like someone’s given him a frontal lobotomy.”

“It’s my fault Lucien was able to co-opt Paul’s body. Paul shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes.”

“Paul may not even exist anymore. He could just be a pile of mush. He might appreciate us retiring his skin suit.”

I couldn’t believe Gus was actually being serious. “No. N-O. Do you hear me? Harm one hair on his head and I will beat you senseless. He’s been through enough. And if there’s any hope we can get him back, we’re going to try.”

I walked out of there and into the kitchen, where I put on a pot of tea. I was so pissed, I didn’t know what else to do. After a few minutes, Gus came looking for me.

“All right, I’m sorry. I don’t even know the guy. I’m sure he’s Mother Theresa and Captain Kirk, all rolled into one. But we still need to figure out how to boot Lucien from his body and from this realm. From what you told me, he needs to die and cross over. If you know how to do that without harming Paul, I’m all ears.”

I poured us each a cup of Moroccan Mint tea and begged the universe to give me an answer. One that I could live with. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head that was so outrageous… I had a hunch it just might work. Too bad we didn’t have any more chickens left in the house.

I had just finished filling Gus in, when I heard Lucien pull up in the SUV.

Lucien stormed in, furious.

“What’s the problem, my love?” I said, faking as much concern as I could, trying my best to be Lisette.

“Damnable farmer. He sold the black bull calf out from under me. He gave me two puppies. Purebreds, he said. Guard dogs. He thought it was about money. They are not acceptable.”

He handed over two happy, squirming, Doberman puppies. One black-and-tan, one red.

I put them down on the floor and slowly rubbed Lucien’s shoulders, kissing his neck the way Lisette did. “Do not worry yourself. You know I never leave things to fate. I have alternate preparations already in place.”

I felt him relax under my hands. “That is but one reason I love you so unfailingly. Let me show you the second reason.” He turned and I felt him harden against me.

Perfect. I needed to buy enough time for Gus to get everything in place. This should do it. Hopefully, I had Lisette’s moves down cold. Because if Lucien tumbled my little secret, things would get very ugly, very quickly.

“We have a few hours before the dark moon rises.” I said, reaching down and liberating an important part of him from his clothing. He picked me up and carried me upstairs.

The thing about Lucien, when it came to sex, I think the man was part horse. He could keep going for hours. And each ejaculation just seemed to make him crave the next even more. It must have been stored up sexual frustration from all those years of being a body-less head.

As we cavorted and played, I tried to sense any vestige of the man I loved, hidden inside the insatiable beast that had taken over his body. It was fleeting, but it was there. In the precious few seconds when Lucien slipped out of control, usually at the peak of an orgasm, I could feel Paul beneath the surface, screaming for help. He was still alive, thank the Gods.

Finally, it was time. I stood up and beckoned to him. “Come, my love, we need that boundless energy of yours for the ritual.”

The great thing about being so far away from people — walking outside naked wasn’t a problem. So I led Lucien downstairs and outside, to our makeshift ritual space.

Gus was drugged and tied to the makeshift altar. Next to him, on the ground, I could swear it looked like Grundleshanks was bracing himself.

“What’s this?” Lucien demanded.

I laughed and stretched, enjoying the cool night air against my hot skin. “I found you a more powerful body. A body worthy of your magnificence. A young witch, who thought he knew more than he did.”

“My, you’ve been busy.”

“It was an unexpected gift from the Gods. He thought he could send me back and rescue his little friend. The fool.”

I led Lucien to the altar.

“I trust you know what you are doing, my love,” he said.

“With the knowledge and abilities locked in this young witch’s mind, you’ll finally be one of us.” I teased Lucien, kissing his neck. “You’ll be unstoppable. And once your spirit is in the witch, we can sacrifice this mundane body to gain even more power.”

He moaned in pleasure. “My spirit is in your hands, my love.”

I put up a circle and called upon Cromm, one of the old, sacrificial Gods, to attend to this rite. Then I picked up an athame and cut my palm.

Lucien lay on the ground at my feet. I dripped the blood on his chest in the shape of a pentagram.

“By earth, air, fire, water and spirit. By the wind hags of all eight directions. By the guardians of North, South, East and West. I command the spirit of Lucien Odega be mine.”

I tried to be so careful not to snag Paul’s spirit as well, as I reached into his body and pulled out an entity made of light. It didn’t want to let go, but I kept a firm hold on it.

“Lucien Odega, I command you by the Queen of Fate and the Lord of Sacrifice to release this body.”

Finally, the entity let go of Paul’s body. The light faded from Paul’s eyes as he lost consciousness and fell into a deep sleep.

I carried Lucien’s spirit over to Gus.

“By my command, Lucien Odega, you whom I have named three times over, thou shalt enter this body and possess it whole.” I said, as I hurled Lucien as hard as I could — into Grundleshanks.

As soon as he realized what had happened, Lucien tried to cry out in protest. But the instant he was in his new body, Gus took a blackthorn spike and skewered it through Grundleshanks’s heart.

The heavens shook, lightning split the sky and a portal opened above Grundleshanks’s head. As Grundleshanks’s and Lucien’s spirits went through the portal, it sealed up behind them with a loud
boom
. The ground around us shuddered and went still.

Chapter Forty-Seven

After the ritual was over, Gus held Grundleshanks’s body up to the sky. “Thank you, big guy. Your sacrifice will be honored.”

A chill ran through me. “Gus, no. Not…”

“Yes. The toad bone ritual. It’s the only way.”

I sighed and looked at the poor little toad’s body. “You’re on your own. I’ve had enough meetings with the Devil lately.”

He nodded over at Paul’s body, still on the ground. “What’ll we do about that one?”

I walked over to him and felt for a pulse. “Let’s put him on the couch. When he comes to, maybe he’ll just think he’s had a bad dream.”

Paul woke up a few hours later, hazy but okay. Gus and I had managed to drag him to the couch and that was probably our saving grace. I think Paul would have completely flipped if he had woken up in the back yard, in the middle of a ritual circle.

As it was, he was disoriented and upset and I really couldn’t blame him. His memory about what had happened was spotty and he wasn’t happy when I filled him in on the blanks. He didn’t even say goodbye, he just walked out and didn’t come back. And then I heard him start his SUV.

At dawn, Gus came back from the first step of his preparations for the Toad Bone Ritual and we went down into the hidden temple room. Even without Lucien and Lisette, it was practically glowing with power.

“Damn, what kind of portal to hell did they open down here?” Gus asked. “Every hair on my body is standing on end. I love it.”

“Closing this all down is going to be a bitch.”

“Good thing I brought my bag of tricks. Let’s get started.”

So we did. It took a few hours, but we managed to… well, if not completely power it down, then get its power sufficiently under control, so it wasn’t an open, pulsating portal to the Otherworld.

Afterwards, we were both exhausted and ready for some sleep. As Gus crawled into bed with me, he couldn’t resist a last bout of teasing.

“So, this Lucien guy, he was the disembodied spirit you were creaming yourself over?”

“Shut up. I was not.”

“Did he do that Dracula mist thing and get you all hot?”

“You say one more word and I’m going to light your hair on fire.”

“Oh, come on. I’m just joking,” Gus said.

“Yeah, well, I’m not. I’m tired of everything in my life being held up and mocked for your personal amusement.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. Cripes, I drove two thousand miles just to see if you were okay, cut me some slack, okay?” He gave me his best little boy look and snuggled up to me.

“Just keep in mind that you’re on thin ice, buddy. So can it with the smart-ass remarks.” I snuggled into him and we both fell asleep.

It wasn’t until the next morning, when I was dismantling the backyard ritual space, that I noticed Gus had a U-Haul trailer attached to the Mustang. I was surprised I had missed it to begin with.

Gus came out of the cottage, holding two mugs of coffee. He walked over and handed me one.

I took a sip. Strong and sweet, just the way I liked it, and pointed to the U-Haul. “Do you always bring all your worldly possessions when you visit a friend?”

“Actually, I brought it for you. I figured we could pack up your things and move back to civilization.”