Smolder (5 page)

She
sat up and shot an angry, fiery look at me. If looks could kill I’d have been a
dead man.

“You
know what? Fuck you, Jude,” she spat at me. “I’m not a god damn child in case
you haven’t noticed. I am tired of every single one of you guys treating me
like a little girl. I thought you were the one guy that wouldn’t be like this
with me and let me be myself.”

“I
am that guy, Sadie! I am always honest with you and I never try to hold you
back from being who you are.”

“Um,
news flash, dick head, you just did! I am not some innocent virgin and I have
needs just like you do. I have gone without sex a lot longer than you have and
I thought you of all people could understand and help me out.”

I
flinched back like she’d punched me…it felt like she did.

“Wait
a minute, are you saying you were just willing to fuck up not just our relationship
but my friendship with Beau just to get laid? What the fuck, Sadie?” I yelled.

Sadie
rolled her eyes at me and said, “Oh God, I didn’t mean it like that, Jude.”

“No,
I heard you loud and clear. You thought because of my past that I’d be willing
to fuck you and just walk away from you. I’m glad that after the past two years
trying to change who I am to be a better friend to you that you still see me as
the same old asshole I always was. Fuck this, I’m out of here,” I yelled,
backing away from her.

As
I turned and headed toward her door I heard her stand and she asked, “Where are
you going?”

“To
do what I do best, baby,” I snapped.

I
didn’t even wait for her to respond before I stormed out of her room and
slammed the door behind me. I went to my room and threw on the first shirt I
could find and slipped into my shoes. I grabbed my car keys off my dresser and
left the house in a huff, making sure to slam the front door hard so she would
know I left.

I
was on a mission to find the closest bar with the hottest girls waiting in line
outside. What Sadie said had hurt me deeper than I expected it would. I really
thought that she was the one bright spot in my life, the one thing that I had
that made me a better person. Ever since she moved into my place and we’d
become roommates I’d given up sex completely because I didn’t want my fucked up
problems to affect her in any way. Now knowing that she still saw me as the
cheap easy man whore I was before ripped open a wound that I didn’t know would
ever stop bleeding.

I
didn’t drive around long before I found myself at a nightclub with a long line
of scantily clad women waiting out front.
Jackpot
, I thought to myself,
and I parked my car in the closest spot. As I got out and locked up, I heard
screaming in the distance as some of the women recognized me. I plastered on my
‘rock star’ smile as I walked closer to the entrance of the club.

I
heard several of the women screaming things like, “Jude! You are my favorite
Rebel!”, and “Fuck me hard, Jude Miller!” The doorman obviously recognized me
and let me in with no waiting and no cover charge. As soon as I was inside it
was much like the scene outside with more girls noticing me and trying to
attach themselves to me for even a moment. Getting pussy tonight would be cake.

As
I made my way to the bar with three hot girls following me my cell phone rang.
I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that it was Sadie calling. I hit “ignore”
and ordered a shot of whiskey. A few seconds later it rang again, and again I
ignored it. I downed my shot and decided to get my flirt on with the sexy
redhead that had her hand on my leg. As the girl started to talk all I could
feel was annoyance at the sound of her voice. Oh well, it wasn’t like I was
planning on marrying her or anything. I was just out to get laid.

This
girl was obviously down for whatever I wanted to do to her and I was about to
lead her off to the bathroom when my cell phone pinged. Rolling my eyes I
looked at it and I had a text message from Sadie.

Jude, I’m so sorry, please call
me back. Where are you? We really need to talk, :(

Hurt
swept through me as I read her message and I shot back with,

Shouldn’t you be out trying to
find someone to satisfy your needs? That’s what I’m trying to do. I’ll be home
whenever.

I
knew that message would hurt her but at that point, I was buzzing and I didn’t
give a fuck. I was just living up to her expectations of me and being myself. I
stood up off my bar stool and took the redhead’s hand, leading her toward the
bathroom but as we walked through the club I heard the front entrance open and
I instinctively turned when I caught the scent of jasmine…Sadie had found me.

The
moment I turned my head and my eyes connected with hers my heart jumped. She
was dressed in the tee shirt that I’d left on her bedroom floor earlier and
jean shorts that showed off her gorgeous legs and hugged her curvy ass…curves
that I had just had my hands on a few hours before. She looked sexy as hell.
Her eyes were sad and full of concern as they looked from me to the redhead and
then back to me.

“Jude,”
she shouted over the loud music, “don’t do this! Please talk to me!”

I
wanted so much to defy her and go lose myself in this nameless chic, but
something in her eyes had me hooked. I let go of the girls’ hand and I felt
that same pull I felt this afternoon when Sadie held her hand out to me. It was
like she had some power over me, like I was hers to command.

“I’ll
be right back,” I said to the girl as I walked toward Sadie. I don’t know why I
said it because I really didn’t have any intention of going back to her. My
heart started racing as I walked closer to her and closed the distance between
us.

“What
do you want, Sadie? You made yourself pretty clear back at the house.”

Her
brown eyes were wide and glossy.

“I’m
so sorry, Jude. I didn’t mean to imply that I just wanted you to fuck me and
then forget me. I don’t want that at all.”

I
rolled my eyes and laughed bitterly.

“Well,
you trying to seduce me and pretty much admitting that kind of makes that hard
to believe.”

“Listen,
can we talk about this somewhere else than out on a crowded nightclub floor?”
she asked, holding her hand out again. “People are starting to stare.”

She
was right. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have on a dance floor where
there were fans with camera phones around. If any of this got back to Beau the
shit would hit the fan.

“Fine.
Why don’t we go the bathroom? Seems like an appropriate location, don’t you
think?” I snapped, unsure of why I was being a dick to her.

She
looked apologetic and sad as I took her hand and we walked toward the back. I
couldn’t ignore the jolt of electricity I felt when our hands linked together
and I shivered. Once we got to the women’s bathroom, we walked inside and she
locked the door behind us.

“Jude,
I am so, so, sorry I hurt your feelings,” she said, and I could hear in her
voice that she was on the verge of tears. Hearing that break in her voice made
all the ice around my heart melt and suddenly I was no longer upset with her.

“Sadie,”
I said softly, and before I could continue she raised her hands and stopped me.

She
sniffed and shook her head.

“No,
I know I did. I was just so mad at you for pushing me away and I wanted to hurt
you.”

“Why
did you want to hurt me? I thought we were friends,” I said.

“We
were. I mean we still are. I mean…
fuck
,” she said, irritated.

“What
is it, Sadie? Tell me why you are so mad. Be honest with me.”

“I
can’t, Jude. It’s like you said earlier…it would ruin everything.”

“Hey,
I have never lied to you and I would expect the same from you. Tell me why me
stopping us having sex upsets you so much. Is it really because you were horny
and just wanted to get laid?”

She
ran her hands through her long blonde hair and blew out a hard breath through
her juicy, full lips.
Those lips…

“No,
it isn’t.”

“Then
what is this?” I asked, waving my hand back and forth between us. “What are we
doing here, Sadie?”

She
growled and blurted out, “It hurt me because I was about to get everything I’d
dreamed of since I was a kid and because you had an attack of conscience it was
all taken away,” she said, angry tears shooting down her face.

I
had
never
seen Sadie cry in my life…not when we signed our deal and she
was left behind with her evil bitch of a mother. Not when Max or Kallum were
born, at Danni and Beau’s wedding, or when she held little Harlowe in her arms
the first time. She even stowed her emotions and stayed strong when Everleigh
was almost killed two years ago. Seeing tears pouring down her cheeks was like
a blow to the chest and all I wanted in that moment was to take her pain away.

“What
are you saying?” I asked, a lump forming in my throat.

“I
am saying that I love you, Jude Miller, and I have for a long time. I have
dreamed of you kissing me and holding me and making me scream your name for
years and I was so close to my dream coming true. When you took it away I was
angry and hurt. I have wanted this for so long and I can’t stand it anymore.”

“You…you
what
? Sadie,” I whispered, unsure of what to say. I felt warm all over
at the knowledge of Sadie’s confession but mentally I knew that this was a bad
idea. Even if I had Beau’s blessing I was too fucked up to love a girl as
amazing as Sadie Cavanaugh the way she deserved.

“Look,
I know that this is a lot for you to take in and I am also pretty sure you
don’t feel the same way for me. I just wanted to let you know before I go so
you at least know why I am leaving.”

“Wait,
what are you talking about? What do you mean
you’re leaving
?” I asked,
panic suddenly setting in.

“Well,
we can’t exactly live together and have things stay like they were before now
that the cat’s out of the bag, Jude. I’m always going to want more with you and
I love you enough to know when to back away. I’d rather have you in my life as
a friend than not at all.”

She
couldn’t leave…I couldn’t let her go. The truth was that there was something
about this beautiful girl that I craved. I wanted to kiss her and hold her and
make her scream my name like she wanted me to do and that thought alone was
both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I shouldn’t want this, want her.
My body shouldn’t be craving her touch but it was and I couldn’t turn it off.

“Sadie,
you can’t go,” I said, placing my hand on her cheek.

“I
have to,” she whispered, leaning into my hand and closing her eyes.

“Please,
I-I…I need you to stay with me.” My eyes roamed down to her perfect full lips
and I started to get hard again. I wanted to taste them on my tongue again so
badly.

Opening
her mesmerizing brown eyes and looking at me, she sniffed and asked, “Why,
Jude? Why should I stay?”

I
was a selfish bastard. I knew that I didn’t love Sadie like she loved me but
whatever this was that I was feeling was strong enough for me to not want to
let her go.

Before
I could stop myself or hell, even think, my head moved closer to hers and
pulled her lips to mine. Unlike our first kiss this afternoon, this one was
slow, passionate, and had my toes curling in my shoes. She whimpered into my
mouth as my tongue tasted hers.

She
momentarily broke the kiss long enough to breathlessly ask, “Jude?”

“Yeah?”
I murmured against her lips. God her taste was intoxicating.

“Take
me home?” she asked, her slender fingers curling and gripping my shirt in her
hand.

“Are
you sure you really want this, Sadie?” I asked. “If we go back to the house and
I have you all alone…you know what will happen.”

“I’m
counting on it,” she purred seductively.

A
chill shiver ran up my spine. “I’m serious. You are just so fucking sexy and
your tight little body feels so good against mine. I don’t know if I will be
able to stop.”

“Who
said I wanted you to? Please, Jude, I want you so much,” she pleaded.

“What
about Beau?” I asked. “I promised him I wouldn’t touch you, Sadie.”

“Well,
this is my life and you are the only man I’ve ever really wanted. I love my
brother, I really do, but fuck him,” she said, “he doesn’t matter here. We do.
This is about us and what we want. Please take me home.”

I
fought back all of my doubts and nerves and pulled her lips back to mine one
more time. She was right. We were the only two people that mattered in this
situation. We wanted each other to the point of pain and we would deal with the
world later.

After
kissing her softly, I laced her fingers with mine and we walked to the door. I
unlocked it and we left the bathroom and the club without another word.