Smolder (10 page)

I
raised my head to look into his steel gray eyes and I melted at what I saw. He
was staring at me like I was the only girl in the world for him…hopefully I
was.

“Amazing
is good,” I answered breathlessly. “I love you Jude.”

He
smiled at me and sighed contentedly but he didn’t say the words I wanted to
hear, that I was dying to hear. I knew he needed to come to it in his own time
but I couldn’t lie to myself that it hurt my heart a little more each time he
couldn’t say it.

Instead
of answering me, he lightly kissed my lips and said, “Let’s go home so I can
unwrap my present.”

“Mm,
sounds good,” I replied, kissing him back before I raised myself off his lap
and readjusted my panties. As soon as he put his dick back into his pants, he
zipped up and we left Cherry’s hand in hand.

Several
hours later, we were lying on my bed completely naked with our legs
intertwined. He was tracing a pattern along my naked back with his fingertips
and it was so soothing. Just as I was about to drift off, he lightly cleared
his throat and whispered, “You still awake?”

“Mm,”
I moaned and nodded.

He
took a long, deep breath before asking, “You want to know why I hate my
birthday?”

My
eyes popped open wide and I leaned my head up to meet his gaze. “Yes, please
tell me.”

This
was it. He was finally going to let me in. I was so touched and happy that he
trusted me enough with this yet terrified of what I’d hear.

His
eyes left mine and he stared at the ceiling for a long moment before quietly
starting, “I never really got excited over birthdays because my mom never gave
a shit about them. She never got me presents, a cake, threw a party, nothing. I
never hoped for more because that was just what I was used to. It never
occurred to me to be hurt over it. I just thought it was normal for my family.
I always felt like some kids had parties, some didn’t and I never let it get to
me.

“Well,
on my sixteenth birthday, I woke up like it was any normal day and got dressed
for school. I was getting ready to leave when I heard a crash coming from my
mom’s room. I opened the door and saw this prick she was fucking hovering over
her and hitting her. Even though we were never close, I wasn’t about stand by
and let him put his hands on her so I walked over to him and pulled him off
her. He tried to fight me back but he was a weasely piece of shit and I kicked
his ass. I went to check on my mom and make sure she was okay and…” he trailed
off, his voice starting to crack.

I
touched his cheek for a brief moment before asking, “What happened?” I could
feel my heart in my throat as I waited with bated breath for him to reply.

“She
stood up, picked up a lamp at her bedside table, and shattered it over my head,”
he answered.

I
gasped sharply and felt tears burning my eyes. “Oh God,” I whispered but he
continued.

“She
started screaming at me that I hurt the man she loved and that I was a
disappointment and a failure as a son. I’d heard that stuff before and normally
I didn’t let it phase me, but you know what hurt the most though? She actually
told me that if she’d only been able to come up with an extra hundred dollars
that she’d have had an abortion and gotten rid of me.”

There
was no way to hold my tears in any longer and they started pouring from my eyes
uncontrollably. Oh my poor Jude…

“I’d
saved her from getting the shit beat out of her and she stood there in front of
me and told me point blank to my face that she wished she’d aborted me. All of
this on my sixteenth birthday, no less. I had never heard anything so hurtful
in my life up to that point, hell, probably not even since then. I knew she
didn’t really care about me but to wish I had never been born?” He stopped and
took several deep breaths as I tried my hardest to ebb the flow of my tears.
Knowing now how badly he’d been hurt it was impossible to stop them.

“That’s
why I hate my birthday, Sadie. Every year I’ve always remembered that moment
when the woman that gave me life told me she wish that she hadn’t. I’ve never
had a reason to celebrate,” he replied, reaching his hand up and stroking my
cheek. He took my hand and raised it up to run it along the side of his head
where he had his devil tattoo. “You feel that little scar there?” he asked and
I nodded as I blinked away the tears that were blurring my eyes. “I got the
tattoo to cover the scar she left when she hit me. It was always faint and not
many people saw it, but I always knew it was there. When I left home I vowed to
never think of her again and that scar was always a reminder so I had Jake
cover it up a few years ago.” I shivered as he wiped the tears from my face.
“That’s also why I was so addicted to women. I think half of me wanted that
acceptance, to feel needed by a woman, and the other half wanted to just punish
them for how my mother punished me. I’m so fucked up and I don’t deserve you.”

“Jude
I’m so sorry,” I cried, stroking the side of his head with my shaking hand. “I
wish there was something I could do that would ease this ache for you.”

“You
already have eased it Sadie,” he answered, wiping another tear that fell. “You
alone are enough to take away any pain I’ll ever feel. When you came back into
our lives in New York, something shifted for me. I can’t explain it but there
was something about you even then that woke up a part of me that had been
sleeping for too long. You make my life worth living.”

Warmth
spread all through me at his words and I was rendered totally speechless. I
tried to open my mouth to speak but nothing would come out. He took a deep
breath and said, “Sadie, I know I’ve been having a hard time saying the words
you want to hear and I hope you will keep being patient with me while I work
this all out. All I know for now is that I need you, I crave you, I
ache
for you. I’ve been in the dark for so long and when I opened my eyes to you
it’s like the lights were finally turned on.”

“J-J-Jude,”
I stuttered, trying to form the words to say how much what he’d said had
touched me. That was better than
“I love you”…
that was the most
beautiful thing anyone had ever said to me.

“Thank
you for making this the best birthday of my life. You’re
amazing
, Sadie
Cavanaugh,” he said just before kissing me. I immediately opened my mouth and
his tongue slid inside, dancing with my own. He rolled me onto my back and
kissed me with a passion I’d never felt from him before. Jude had always made
me feel incredible but tonight he was making me feel cherished and loved. He
might not have been able to say it with his words, but he was definitely saying
it with his body.

As
we spent the rest of the night making love, I felt so happy that I’d
accomplished the impossible; I’d made Jude Miller have a good birthday for the
first time in his life.

Four
Months Later

A
few months later, my life had never been better. I’d finished mixing Eternal
Down’s record which meant I was officially not being subjected to phone calls
from Jagger Riggins on a near-daily basis. I liked the guy as a friend but if
he hit on me one more time I might have to reach through the phone and rip his
balls off by hand.

Things
with Jude and I had been awesome as well. Every day with him was better than
the last and the only thing better than falling asleep in his arms every night
was waking up in them the next morning. The only negative thing that kept
coming up was the fact that the fact that we were hiding our relationship from
everyone (except Evie, Danni, and Jessie of course) and it was starting to wear
on him. He said the longer it took to tell Beau and the guys that we were
together, the more hurt and angry they would be because we kept it from them. I
totally saw his side of it but I just wanted to hold onto our happiness and
keep the world out a little longer. I knew he was right though and the time was
coming closer for us to be honest with the whole family but I just wanted to
get through the holidays first.

It
was now November and I was out shopping at the mall for a gift for Harlowe’s
first birthday. This year was flying by; I had just dropped big money a month
ago when Max turned a year old on Halloween. Harlowe’s party was in just a few
hours and I’d been so busy wrapping up things with the album that I’d put off
buying her present until the last minute. Jude was at Beau and Danni’s helping
set up for the party (which basically meant Danni was holding Harlowe on her
hip while she told him and Beau where she wanted everything to go) while I was
spending a much needed afternoon alone with my thoughts.

As
I was looking through some of the little girl dresses at a store that
specialized in fashionable clothes for toddlers, I noticed a young couple,
probably about my age, out of the corner of my eye. They were pushing a
stroller and as they passed me I couldn’t help but peek inside. The baby was
obviously a newborn or not much older and was wrapped snug in a pink blanket. I
smiled at them and for the first time in my life, I felt jealous. I wanted that
someday. I wanted to be a mom and have children I could spoil…and I wanted that
life with Jude.

I
sighed as the little family passed by and knew that I was going to have to tell
Beau about Jude and me sooner rather than later. I would never have that future
with him if I couldn’t tell the world how I felt.

I
shook my head and tried to shake away my thoughts as I continued to look
through the cute little girl clothes. I grabbed one of everything in Harlowe’s
size and headed to the checkout. I didn’t know much about what toys were good
for a baby her age so I decided to spoil her with a bunch of new clothes. My
baby niece was going to the best dressed little girl in the world thanks to her
Aunt Sadie.

After
I checked out, I was heading to my car when my cell phone rang. I took it out
of my pocket and smiled when I saw Jude’s face looking at me. I swiped my
finger across the screen and answered, “Hello big guy.”

“Hey,
how’d shopping go?” he asked in a formal tone. That meant that Beau must have
been close by.

“It
went great. I think Harlowe is going to be the kind of girl that never wears
anything twice. How’s it going there? Did you get the party all set up and
ready?”

“Yeah,
everything’s good to go and the family is all starting to show up. I think
Kris, Jessie, and Kallum just got here and Danni said that Dan and Brenda
should be arriving any time. I haven’t seen Shona anywhere.”

“Oh,
Jessie gave her the weekend off. Poor girl’s been working her ass off so Jess
sent her on a little spa vacation. I know she wanted to be here to help set
everything up but she already works too hard so Jess had to force it on her,” I
replied, laughing.

“Ah
well, that’s good. The girl deserves it, she’s definitely been busting ass
lately.”

I
grinned and answered, “Yes she has. Well tell everyone I’m on my way. I can’t
wait to see Dan and Brenda, I love those two.”

“Well
hurry and get here but be careful. It’s supposed to start snowing pretty
heavily at any time now.”

Just
as Jude said that, I felt a few big, fluffy snowflakes fall on my cheeks and I
smiled. I loved snow so much and winter had always been my favorite time of
year. “Looks like that time is now. Don’t worry Jude, I’ll be there in about
ten minutes.”

“Good,”
he answered and I could hear his smile over the phone. “I can’t wait to see
you.”

“I
can’t wait to see you too. Love you,” I answered.

As
usual, he hesitated and didn’t say it back. “See you soon, princess,” he
replied before we both ended the call.

I
got behind the wheel and made the drive to Beau and Danni’s house and I pulled
into the driveway. I grabbed all of the bags of clothes and quickly made my way
up the walk as best as I could through the rapidly falling snow to their front
door and rang the bell. After about two seconds the door flung open and a very
sexy Jude was standing before me wearing a sexy pair of jeans and a gray tee
shirt that was so tight it looked like his arms would rip the fabric.

Pulling
me into a hug he muttered, “It’s about time,” before kissing the top of my head
quickly.

“I’m
here, big guy. Relax,” I answered, breathing him in deeply before we broke
apart.

“Promise
we can sneak away at some point tonight? I need to kiss these lips.”

“That’s
a definite promise,” I answered as we walked the rest of the way into the
house. I squeezed his hand before we walked into the dining room where
Harlowe’s perfect princess birthday party was about to start.

As
soon as Danni saw me she came over to me carrying Harlowe.

“Hey
Sadie, I’m so glad you made it before the snow got bad out there,” she said.
“The weather report said we’re supposed to be getting close to eight inches
tonight.”

“That’s
what she said,” Jude said and I giggled. Danni tried not to laugh but shot him
her stern “mom” look and he answered, “Sorry, you threw it out there and I had
to take it. That’s the last one for the night, I promise.”