Smolder (21 page)

“Mrs.
Miller, I’m Dr. Bennett and I’m the physician on staff this evening,” said the
doctor as he introduced himself. He looked like he was about mid-forties and
had slight graying at his temples.

“Nice
to meet you,” Sadie squeaked out. “This is my husband Jude,” she offered as she
motioned to me and I shook the doctor’s hand. “What’s happening, doctor? Is our
baby okay?”

“We’re
still waiting for the results of the lab work that was done but right now I
want to get an ultrasound and take a look at what’s going on,” he suggested and
both Sadie and I nodded. A nurse wheeled in a big machine and stopped it at
Sadie’s bedside. She rolled up Sadie’s gown and squirted some jelly-like
substance on her stomach before placing a wide wand-type contraption on her and
rolled it around her belly.

At
first we could see the screen but after a few minutes of silence, the nurse
turned the monitor slightly to the left so neither Sadie or I could see
anything. The nurse gave the doctor a daunting look and Dr. Bennett rounded the
bed to look at the screen. As soon as he glanced at the monitor and I saw his
face I knew. He didn’t even have to tell me…I didn’t want him to say anything.
Even though I already knew what he was going to say, I didn’t want to hear the
words we were about to hear come out of his mouth.

“Mrs.
Miller, I’m so sorry…”

Dr.
Bennett didn’t even get the whole sentence out before Sadie started screaming. She
started shaking violently and I leapt off the chair and wrapped my arms around
her to try and keep her still. I’d never heard a more heartbreaking sound in my
life as the one Sadie let out at that moment…it was the sound of true
devastation.

I
didn’t know what to do in that moment to make any of this go away so all I
could do was hold her and let her cry. I had to hold in my tears because Sadie
needed me to be strong. I had to keep it in and be strong for her so healing my
broken heart would have to wait.

To
say the next few months were brutal was putting it mildly. Most of the time Sadie
was asleep but when she was awake all she did was either cry uncontrollably or
fly into a blind rage. I knew that we’d face tough times in our marriage but I
never expected it to be this soon or this painful. I knew that she loved me but
I was at a loss as to how to help her. Everything I tried seemed to blow up in
my face and ended up either making her sad or angry.

It’d
been six months since we’d lost the baby and even though things weren’t looking
much better, Sadie’s mood swings seemed to be dulling somewhat. Dr. Mitchell
had told her that we were safe to try to conceive again and even though I was
scared that this would happen again I was willing to do whatever I had to in
order to make Sadie happy. She would just have to let me back in.

It
was the now the middle of the summer and that particular day happened to be our
one year anniversary of when we started seeing each other. The band and I had
just gotten home from performing at a charity event and Sadie and I arrived
home at around three in the morning. We were both exhausted but she’d barely
even muttered a “good night” and she went inside the house as I was getting our
luggage out of the car. Despite her chilly attitude toward me, I still wanted
to do something to celebrate our first anniversary…hell it was my first
anniversary ever and I needed to make sure that she knew I still loved her so
much, even if she didn’t really seem to want to be around me. I wanted to
surprise her with a simple gesture so I wouldn’t overwhelm her and I’d gotten
up early and went out on a breakfast run to her favorite restaurant. I brought
back Belgian waffles and some cinnamon rolls that tasted pretty close to the
ones we ate on our honeymoon.

I
arranged everything on a tray (complete with a single pink rose) and brought it
into our room, placing it on her bedside table so she’d see it when she woke
up. I didn’t want to risk upsetting her by waking her so I simply kissed her
cheek and stood to leave. When I gazed down at her one last time, lying there
looking at her in a seemingly peaceful sleep for the first time in ages, I felt
a lump in my throat and suddenly tears began spilling down my cheeks.

I
wasn’t crying for the loss of our child even though I was still heartbroken. I
was crying because I missed my wife so much. Even though she was right there
Sadie was a million miles away, buried under the weight of her grief and I felt
like I was losing her. I quickly left our bedroom so I wouldn’t wake her up and
went into the kitchen, collapsing into a chair at the breakfast bar. I buried
my head in my hands and wept like a girl…I didn’t care. The past six months had
been the most miserable of my life, and I’d lived through some pretty bad shit
before we’d made it big. I just couldn’t take this anymore; not being able to
really be with her in every single way that mattered. It wasn’t about sex or
anything like that at all…I just wanted to love her as much as she needed and
it felt like no matter how hard I tried she wouldn’t let me. For the first time
in my life, I really and truly felt lost.

I
didn’t know how long I’d been sitting there but when I felt two arms wrap
around my waist from behind I jumped. When I turned I saw Sadie looking at me,
her eyes glassy and apologetic, and before I could say anything she whispered,
“I’m so sorry.”

“Oh
hey, I didn’t know you were awake,” I said as I cleared my throat, trying to
hide the fact that I’d been crying.

“Jude,
I’m so, so sorry,” she repeated with a quiver in her voice.

“For
what?” I asked, rubbing my face with the back of my hand as she backed away
from me slightly.

“For
everything,” she stated quietly. “I know I haven’t made these past few months
easy on you.”

Although
she was right, I would never tell her that because it would hurt her more. I
didn’t care about any of it at that point because all I wanted was her. The
fact that she was standing in front of me and apologizing was huge.

I
reached my hand up and cupped her cheek. “Sadie, it’s okay, I understand.”

“No,
Jude, stop making excuses for me. It wasn’t fair how I treated you. I was so
devastated about losing the baby that I completely forgot you in all of this.
You were so patient and so strong…” she cried, tears flowing steadily down her
cheeks. “I will totally understand if you want to run for the hills.”

“Aw
baby,” I said, standing and closing the space between us. I wrapped her in my
arms and stated, “I am not going anywhere, do you hear me? You are my life and
I’d die without you.”

“I
love you so much,” she cried into my chest, “please forgive me.”

“Always,”
I said, my heart feeling much lighter than it had in months.

“Thank
God,” she exhaled and gently kissed my chest right over my heart. I gritted my
teeth together at the feel of her lips on me. Even though there was fabric
between her mouth and my skin, it still felt incredible. My heart started
beating faster as she slowly kissed her way up my chest to my neck.

“I’ve
missed this,” I whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear. As much as I
wanted to pick her up, carry her back to bed, and strip her clothes off, I didn’t
want to push anything on her. I was just about to pull away but before I could,
I felt her hands snake around my neck and she pulled my lips to hers.

I
felt tingles shooting all through my body from my head to my toes. I’d missed
her kiss so much that feeling her lips on mine was like drinking water after
being thirsty for so long. I moaned as she forced her tongue past my lips and
began to walk backward toward the bedroom.

“Sadie,
baby, maybe we should wait,” I murmured against her lips. I couldn’t believe
that I was trying to stop this but after six months of waiting and feeling left
behind I had to wonder if this was what she really wanted.

“I
miss you, Jude,” she stated, her fingers playing with my Mohawk. “I think I’ve
made you waited long enough.”

“I
don’t know…are you sure?” I asked.

She
nodded and replied, “Let’s go.” She led me to the bedroom and just as soon as
we walked inside she turned and pulled my lips back to hers. She kissed me like
I’d been craving for her to but it still felt off somehow.

I
pulled away from her and she looked at me with sad eyes.

“What’s
wrong? Why did you stop?” she asked me, holding onto me with shaking hands.

“You’re
not ready, baby.” She tried to interrupt but I silenced her by placing my
fingertip over her lips. “Words are one thing, but I know you well, Sadie. I’m
your husband and it’s my eternal job to know if there’s something going on with
you even if you don’t know it yourself. You’re not ready to make love yet
because it’s still too soon after, you know,” I said, feeling a lump forming in
my throat.

“Jude,
it’s been six months. I think it’s a little overdue,” she stated in a huff.

“We
have barely spoken since it happened and now all of a sudden you want to kick
start our sex life again? I still say you aren’t ready.”

“I
am
ready, Jude. It’s just that…I just feel so empty and I think that if
we tried again…”

“Tried
again for what? You want to try for a baby this soon?” I asked, surprised.

“I
just think us having a baby would fill that emptiness,” she answered, her eyes
beginning to glisten again.

“Having
a child just to replace one that was lost isn’t the way to start a family,
Sadie,” I stated sadly.

“I
realize that, Jude,” she snapped, an angry tear breaking loose and shooting
down her cheek. “I’m not trying to replace our child.”

“Then
what are you doing? It kind of seems like you are and you pretty much just
admitted that.”

Sadie
wiped another tear from her eyes and looked at me for a long moment before the
tears starting steadily flowing and she walked across the room and collapsed
onto our bed. I followed and sat next to her, combing my fingers through her
hair in an effort to comfort her. This was killing me; my wife was hurting so
deeply and I couldn’t take the pain away.

“I’m
so sorry, Jude,” she whimpered as she moved toward me and laid her head in my
lap where I continued to stroke her hair. “I want this to stop hurting so much.
I’d already fallen in love with our child and…”

“I
know,” I said, feeling tears burning my eyes. “I know. I loved our baby too. I
just want us to start our family for the right reasons, not because we’re
trying to fill the void that the miscarriage left. That just seems unfair.”

“I
understand if you want to wait before we try again,” she answered sadly.
“Despite how much this still hurts, you know that I’ve always wanted to have a
family with you, Jude, but I know that this is killing you just as much as it’s
killing me. If you think we should wait, then that’s what we’ll do. I don’t
want you to hurt more just to make me happy.”

“Oh
Sadie,” I replied, lifting her up so she could look into my eyes. “I want a
family with you too, more than you can possibly know. I didn’t realize how much
I wanted the chance to be a dad until it was gone.”

“Jude,”
she whispered, crying harder. “I-”

I
placed a finger to her lips to silence her. “Don’t apologize, you have nothing
to be sorry for. This isn’t your fault,” I stated, taking her into my arms. I
held her tightly as she cried a river of tears and we mourned the loss of a
tiny life we both loved so much all over again. “Listen, baby, you’re exhausted
and I really think you need some rest. Why don’t you lie back on the bed and
I’ll go make you some tea? It’ll help you sleep.”

“I
just woke up,” she stated while stifling a yawn.

“And
you are obviously still tired.”

Sadie
sniffed and nodded. “You’re right, a nap sounds nice, but…will you stay with
me? Hold me until I fall asleep?”

“Like
you even need to ask me that,” I replied. “I’ll hold you every night if that’s
what you want. I’d do anything to make you happy.”

Sadie
wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “I love you so much, Jude,” before
her lips brushed across mine gently.

The
kiss may have been intended to be innocent but I felt a jolt of electricity
when she kissed me. She must have felt it too because she gasped and I could
feel goose bumps forming on her arms.

We
looked into each other’s eyes and I knew we were both feeling the same thing
but I didn’t want to push anything on her. I swallowed hard and stated, “I’m
going to go make that tea. I’ll be right back.”

“Jude,”
she stated, gliding her hands up my chest and gripping my shirt in her slender
fingers. “I…”

“I
felt it too,” I said. “But-”

“I
love you, Jude, and I want you. Let’s forget the rest of the world for a while
and be the only two people in it,” she whispered. I fought back a groan as she
leaned in and pressed her petal soft lips to my neck and made my pulse begin to
race.

“Are
you really sure?” I asked her, unable to stop myself from lifting the bottom of
her shirt up past the curve of her hips. It seemed like it had been forever
since we’d made love and I wanted my wife so badly…