Small Blue Thing (9 page)

“You shouldn’t have let me sleep. It must have been dull for you.”

“Are you kidding? This has been the best day of my life!” He spun around as if to pick me up in a huge hug, but of course only connected with air. “Even if I can’t hold you, I can’t believe my luck,” he said, beaming.

I smiled back, suddenly shy. Having finally put a name to my own emotions I was nervous. I couldn’t even begin to consider how terrible it would be if he didn’t feel the same way about me.

“It’s the best day of my life too,” I admitted, keeping the mirror angled so I could watch the reaction in his face. There was no hint of reserve in his response, his whole face lit up, his blue eyes flashing in the sunshine.

“Really?”

“What’s not to love?” I asked lightly, risking the word. In the moment’s silence before he spoke I was filled with dread: he didn’t feel the same way and I had made a hideous mistake. I quickly looked down at my feet.

“Alex, please look at me?” His voice was husky, and full of emotion.

I lifted the mirror so that we were side by side in the reflection, suddenly encouraged.

“I didn’t want to scare you, or say anything before, but now … I can see that there might be some reason to hope…”

I gazed at him questioningly. “To hope that you might feel something for me too.” His face was open and trusting. “I love you,
Alex.” And at that moment I felt my heart fill to the brim.

“Really?” I whispered, suddenly shy.

“I love you,” he smiled. “I know it’s too fast and I don’t want to scare you, but it’s the truth – I love you.”

“I love you too,” I confessed. “I’ve been yours since we met in the cathedral. I just didn’t realise it until now.”

“Oh, Alex,” he whispered, “you have no idea how good that sounds to me.” I felt the electricity run down my back as he stroked my hair, and watched as he kissed the top of my head. How I longed to be able to touch him too. I pushed the thought aside to concentrate on what I had. His glorious face just radiated joy, and mine looked equally delighted.

“I had never dreamed that this might be possible,” he continued. “I would have been happy enough knowing that I loved you, but to have you love me back, well – it’s so much more than I deserve.”

“How can you say that? Why shouldn’t you have someone to care about you?”

He looked nervous for a moment. “It’s complicated, but I’ll tell you. I know I must.”

“Whatever you tell me, it can’t be any stranger than what I have experienced in the last few days. And nothing is going to change how I feel about you.”

He relaxed a little. “I hope that’s true. But some of the things I have to tell you are … pretty difficult to comprehend.”

I did my best to look confident. “I can deal with all of it. You know that now. It’s the emotion that’s new.”

His face was solemn beside me in the mirror. “Are you sure? You really want to know it all?”

I gulped. What was he trying to protect me from? Once I
knew, there was no going back – I could never un-know it. But I loved him, and needed to know all about him. I took a deep breath.

“Absolutely positive. Tell me everything. You know all about me, so it is only fair.” I tried to smile, but I could feel my lips trembling.

“Well, I’ll start, but you have to stop me if, you know, things get too much for you. I will understand.” His smile was equally shaky. “Where would you like to begin?”

There was a sudden burst of music as my mobile phone went off, making us both jump. The spell was broken. “Bad timing,” I muttered, looking at the screen. “I won’t be a second.” I slid the phone open. “Hi Grace.”

I tried very hard to have a quick conversation with her, but it was difficult without being rude: we usually chatted for hours on the phone. Callum started to stroke my hair again, and I found it really hard to hold on to the thread of the conversation while he continued. I finally shut off the phone having promised to tell her everything when we saw each other the next day. I could tell she was unhappy about it. I had never kept anything important from Grace before, but I couldn’t see how I was ever going to explain this. It would be much easier to keep it to myself. I promised myself that I would make it up to her in the morning.

“That wasn’t fair, distracting me like that. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was saying.” I pouted at Callum as I stashed the phone back in my bag. He laughed, and continued his gentle stroking. But this time his gentle touch had quite a different effect and within minutes I found myself breathless, the blood pounding in my cheeks. I would have given anything at that moment to be able to turn round and feel his arms around me.

I opened my eyes and saw him watching me in the mirror.
“I think maybe you had better stop that for now,” I gasped. “I don’t think it’s doing either of us any good.”

“No, maybe not. I seem to be more aware of you now, though. It’s not the same as touching someone in my world, but I can sense when I have made contact with your skin.” He reached out and traced a line with his finger down my arm. I was aware of the lightest possible touch.

“It’s definitely stronger than yesterday.” I shivered. “Why do you think that is?”

“It’s curious.” He frowned, and I could tell now that it meant he was deep in thought. “Maybe it’s because I am more and more tuned in to you. Or maybe it’s the amulet. Let’s hope it continues. At this rate I might be able to kiss you by Christmas.”

“I hope so too,” I breathed, still not sure of myself enough to look at him. The thought that one day I might be able to feel his lips on mine left me breathless again. “But now,” I said firmly, “you were about to answer some of my questions.”

Dirges

“Right,” he said, squaring his shoulders and taking a deep breath. “Ask me.”

“Let’s talk about this.” I lifted up my arm a fraction and the amulet glinted in the sunshine, the azure stone flashing.

“Where to start?” His voice was so gentle it was almost a question to himself. “There’s such a lot to tell you.”

“Let’s go back to the beginning. You said yesterday that the amulet was some sort of communication device. What was it doing in the river?”

“Now that is a mystery. I have no idea at all.”

“OK, so how come I got a vision of you when I held it?”

“I think that the two amulets are linked in some way.” He sighed in frustration. “How can I explain this properly?”

He straightened up, and ran his free hand through his hair.

“Perhaps I should explain what happened to me when you found it,” he started. “I was minding my own business when I suddenly had a blinding pain in my head and a picture, almost like a projection, of a beautiful girl who was looking puzzled about something.” He smiled as I blushed at his description.

“Then it stopped, and I wondered if I had dreamt it. But later that evening I started to get more glimpses of you inside my head. I didn’t know who you were or how I was able to see you,” he paused as if slightly embarrassed, “but I knew that I was going
to have to find out. The more I saw you, the more I realised that I had no choice – I somehow felt that I wasn’t going to be complete until I found you. I didn’t realise that the visions went both ways. All I knew was that I had to track you down, but I couldn’t work out how. Was I going to have to walk the streets forever searching for your face in the hope that our paths would cross?

“But then the very next day you came to St Paul’s, and appeared right in front of me, as if you knew.”

“Not guilty.” I laughed quickly, not wanting to distract him from his story.

“I couldn’t believe my luck: I wasn’t going to have to spend the next however many years searching: you had come straight to me. Then you smiled at me, and I realised that you could actually see me – you, a real flesh and blood person were smiling at me! I no longer cared about anything else, I just wanted to talk to you. It’s been so long.” The last was just a whisper.

He paused and looked without seeing into the woods in front of us. A family of foxes was sitting in the semi-darkness, watching him.

Finally Callum took a deep breath and continued. “When I saw you had an amulet just like mine it all suddenly became clear. Wrong, but clear. Amulets shouldn’t be on your side, in your world. I was overwhelmed, and didn’t know what to do. Then suddenly you couldn’t see me any more, but I wasn’t going to let you disappear. I followed you around the cathedral, then back to your minibus, and it had the name of the school on the side.”

He looked up, guiltily. “That’s when I really started stalking you. I followed the bus, and…”

“Hang on there! How on earth did you follow it? And why not get straight on? No one was going to see you.”

“Well, the practicalities of being able to walk through things mean that things that move can also go through me. Stairs and chairs I’m OK with, but I can’t use any form of transport.”

“Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense,” I agreed. “So how did you get to the school? And so quickly, too.”

“When you can go in straight lines it is much quicker, and I’m not a bad runner either.” He raised his shoulders in an apologetic shrug.

“I can imagine,” I agreed, thinking of his physique. “But did you just happen to know where this school is?”

“No, but it said Hampton on the side of the bus, and I knew where that was, so I set off and when I got a bit closer I detected the amulet. I could feel that it was near me. It sort of pulled me towards you: you are a perfect conduit for its energy. That’s why you see me so clearly.”

I felt strangely pleased that it seemed to have an affinity for me.

“But I can still only see you in the mirror here. At St Paul’s you were right there, in front of me. How does that work?”

“I’m not sure, but it could be because that is where I sort of live, so that is where my presence in your world is strongest. And the dome … the dome is special. Maybe it focuses that presence – and you were under the very middle, weren’t you? That’s only a guess though. I don’t really know all the rules.”

“You
live
in St Paul’s Cathedral?”

He sighed. “There is so much to tell you, so much you need to hear to be able to understand. I’ve never had to explain it to anyone before.”

I composed myself, trying not to look too frustrated. “Perhaps you had better start again, and tell me who you are – or
were – and how you ended up like this.”

For a moment he stared out across the river, apparently distracted by the small flotilla of little launches cruising by. But his eyes were focused elsewhere, remembering.

“I only know two things from before,” he whispered. “I know my name is Callum. But I have no memory of any other name, where I come from, how old I am, all the usual stuff. I’m just Callum. And I know that I have a sister. Her name is Catherine. She isn’t so … comfortable,” he grimaced at the word, “with the life we have now.”

“So how do you know she’s your sister when you know nothing else?” I asked, puzzled. “And where is she now?” I had a sudden panic that this strange girl had also been with us all day, listening to our declarations.

“Don’t worry: she’s back in London. She doesn’t know I am here, which is probably just as well. I can’t imagine she would approve. I just know she is my sister and I know we were together when we started in this … life. I have no idea
how
I know it.” His face was troubled; this was clearly a painful subject. His gaze returned to the river, where several rowing eights were coming to the end of a run. Within a few minutes they had turned and were soon specks in the distance. I looked back at Callum, hoping I could get him to continue.

“So do you have no memory of how you got to be what you are?” I asked eventually.

“Oh no, that is very clear to me. Are you sure you want to know?”

“I want to know everything,” I said firmly. “I want to know what this can do,” I raised my arm, “what you are, how you live, everything.”

“You deserve to know everything.” He looked sad, and I could hear the pain in his voice.

“Tell me from the beginning, everything you can remember,” I encouraged. He took a deep breath.

“I have no idea who I was before. When this happens to you, everything goes from your mind – it’s as if your memory is wiped.” He stared into the distance again. I waited a moment and was about to prompt him when he looked up.

“I know I was with Catherine, and I know…” He paused, and closed his eyes briefly. “I know that she was killing herself. We were on Blackfriars Bridge and the first thing I remember is that I was reaching for her, trying to stop her throwing herself off. I used to puzzle over why we were there, and I’ve been back there to see if anything came back to me, but nothing did. The river there is pretty deep and fast, so if you jumped in at high tide you would have no chance. She was on the other side of the railing, and I could see the desperation in her face. I thought I could stop her, and pull her back … but I was too late. I remember shouting to someone to get help, so we couldn’t have been alone, but I don’t remember who it was. I know I jumped in after her and swam to where I thought she might be. I dived deep into the murky water and after a couple of attempts I actually found her. But she grabbed on to me and pulled me down. I tried to get us both back up to the surface but it was so hard … too hard.” He closed his eyes again and shuddered at the memory. “The currents were so strong and I couldn’t fight them.

“We sank deeper and deeper and the darkness of the water was overwhelming. I knew that I had to get to the surface soon. I couldn’t tell which way was up. I was just aware of Catherine still holding on tight. I tried not to panic, but I could feel my lungs
bursting. My time was running out – and I couldn’t stop myself trying to find some air. My lungs sucked in the salty water and I could feel it scorching its way down into me.” He paused for a moment.

“But throughout it all I was convinced that I could save her. She was my sister after all, and I couldn’t let her die. My foot brushed against something and I grabbed it with my free arm. Catherine was still holding on tightly, making it really hard to keep my grip but I hung on, swinging her around behind me. The water suddenly seemed warmer, as if we were in a different current, and I really thought we were going to be able to make it. I suddenly realised that we had somehow been swept to the very edge of the river, and that what I was holding on to was a rusty old ladder. A ladder! That meant we were safe. I was trying to haul us both up to the next rung when the pain exploded in my chest…”

I was stunned – the whole thing was just awful. My throat clenched and I felt tears on my cheeks. He was describing to me how it felt to die.

“There was a flash of bright light at the back of my eyes and every part of me pulsed with agony. Then, when I didn’t think it could get any worse there was a final searing bolt through my head and then a great grey wave of fog rolled over me.

“As the fog settled I realised that the pain was gone. I was floating in the water. It no longer felt cold, but it was really murky so I couldn’t see much. I was aware of a tight grip still on my arm, but then that loosened.”

He paused again and looked at me ruefully. “That was when I realised that I could breathe without any problem under the water.” His face clouded with remembered pain. I reached towards him in a vain attempt to comfort him.

“You really don’t have to tell me all the details,” I murmured.

“No, it will help you to understand us better if I leave nothing out.” I felt him gathering himself together to continue.

“I knew something was horribly wrong. We hadn’t made it up the ladder, so I should be a corpse floating in the river, but I felt just … normal. The water swirled next to me and Catherine was there, a look of panic on her face, when we were close enough to see each other in the silty water. I felt for her hand then kicked with my legs to see if we could find the surface. As our heads broke through to the air there was no relief, no feeling of release. We didn’t choke up lungfuls of water, and being in the air seemed to make no difference.

“I looked around and found that we were still close to the ladder, so we swam in that direction. There were plenty of people about, and I expected someone to shout as we approached, to throw us a line or send for a boat, but no one took any notice of us at all.

“We dragged ourselves up on to the embankment but still no one reacted to us, not even the passing children. I was watching one group of people when I heard a sudden, horrified gasp. Catherine was right next to me and a small child was running away from her.

“‘She ran straight though me,’ she cried in terror, then looked up as another pack of children were upon us. They were playing a game of tag, and they were ducking and weaving around each other. One boy was right beside me. I could see the freckles on his nose and the slightly crooked set of his teeth as he laughed at his friends. He turned and dodged away, directly towards me. I put up my hands to stop him knocking into me.

“There was a strange tingling sensation and he was behind
me, still laughing and twisting as he ran down the path. He had gone straight through me, as if he didn’t know I was there.”

Callum paused, remembering. “That was when I finally realised that I was no longer … alive.” He turned his eyes towards me. “What I couldn’t work out was what I had become.

“‘What’s happened to us?’ I heard Catherine whisper. ‘I wanted to be dead, and now I’m back on the bank and children can’t see or feel me. What have you done?’ Her voice rose to a screech. ‘What have you done to me? What have you done?’ I looked around, but no one was paying any attention to us at all. I felt so angry with her. It was her fault we were in this situation. I wanted to leave her to her hysterics. But we only had each other…” His voice trailed off miserably.

I reached out to comfort him, but there was nothing I could say or do. I waited helplessly. Finally he continued.

“It took a long time for her to calm down, but when she did we started to walk. No one could see us. We wandered aimlessly through the city, not knowing what to do. Neither of us could remember anything before the … fall. Catherine knew she had wanted to die, I knew that I had tried to stop her, and I knew that she was my sister, but beyond that, we knew nothing. We had no idea of who we had been, where we lived, or what to do now.”

“I could see the dome of St Paul’s, and when I saw it, I felt a strange compulsion to go there. I didn’t know why, I just knew that’s what I had to do. I started to steer Catherine in that direction, which was easy as she had pretty much given up taking any notice of where we were.

“As we approached the cathedral we suddenly found ourselves in the middle of a crowd. The sensation was peculiar – a tingling from one side of my body to the other as a stranger walked
through me. I watched them closely but they seemed to notice nothing. The odd one seemed to shiver a little, but that was all.