Small Blue Thing (16 page)

If there was a delay I might be able to call Callum and find out how on earth I was supposed to deal with her. I mentally crossed my fingers as I asked.

“That’s not possible. Callum will be back and I have to speak to you when he isn’t around, otherwise…” She tailed off, and stared into the distance.

“Otherwise what?” I encouraged. “Is there something wrong?”

“Wrong?” she exclaimed loudly, making me jump. “How can there possibly be something wrong when a Dirge takes up with a normal girl just stuffed full of nice fresh memories and thoughts? What could possibly be wrong about that?”

I added sarcasm and short temper to the list of Catherine’s character faults.

I tried to continue with my calm, friendly exterior. “I’m sorry,” I said, keeping my voice calm, “that was clearly the wrong thing to say. Why don’t you tell me what is on your mind” She seemed to be in the grip of some sort of internal struggle. Finally she sighed again.

“Have you asked yourself why he is interested in you?” She looked me squarely in the eye as she put the question.

I wasn’t sure what she meant, so I thought it would be best to be a bit vague. “At the beginning, curiosity, I suppose. And now, well … why is anyone interested in anyone else?”

“You don’t think it’s strange then, this sudden affection he claims to feel for you?”

I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, but getting her angry really wasn’t going to help, and she did seem keen to tell me something.

“I know that Callum and I haven’t known each other for very long, and I know that we have become very … close very quickly. But it’s not that uncommon.” I shrugged and returned her unwavering stare. “We feel very strongly about each other.”

She shook her head and for the first time a small tight smile broke though. “He really has got you hooked this time, hasn’t he?”

“What do you mean, ‘this time’?”

“Oh come on! You look like a bright girl. Do you honestly believe that the amulet just happened to be in the river? That you just happened to be in St Paul’s? That you could become the love of his life in such a short space of time? Think about it!”

A cold fist of fear wrapped itself around my heart. “What are you saying?” I whispered.

“I’m saying that you have been played by a master. You didn’t really stand a chance. You’re too young and inexperienced.”

“I’m old enough to know what I am doing.” I could feel my chin sticking out in defiance.

She gave a short and brittle laugh. “Really? Let me guess. He told you that he fell off Blackfriars Bridge trying to save me; that he only takes unimportant memories from people; that he’s never felt like this about anyone before – shall I continue?”

I could see my own stricken face in the mirror as I looked at her in horror. “I don’t understand.”

“He does this all the time.” She was talking slowly and carefully, as if to a small and stupid child. “You are not the first, and I doubt that you’ll be the last. Of course, he likes the company you keep too – that’s quite an attraction.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He’s always preferred the memories of girls, adolescents if possible. He says they have a better ‘texture’ than other people’s. I imagine that he couldn’t believe his luck that this time the amulet was found by a schoolgirl.”

“No, that can’t be true! That’s a horrible thought.” She had to be lying about this. Callum wouldn’t do that to my friends.

“Yes,” she continued in the same, even tone, “it is horrible, isn’t it? He was telling me that your friend with the long, dark hair produced some particularly good results, as well as being acceptable to look at while he gathered.”

I was stunned into silence. I really didn’t believe that he was stealing memories from Grace. She must be wrong. I finally found my voice. “No! It’s not true.”

“There is no point in denying it. You know I’m telling the truth.” For the first time she looked concerned, not just blank or angry. “Think about it – why else would he possibly want you? You’re just an average girl.”

The cold hand in my chest was squeezing my heart so hard I was struggling to breathe. I tried to control myself and think rationally. It was true that he was impossibly gorgeous, but that didn’t mean anything. I had always been taught to be confident. I wasn’t going to be easily browbeaten into thinking that I wasn’t good enough for him. I took a couple more breaths to steady myself.

“No one’s ‘average’ to the people who love them. Callum and I are just lucky to have found each other. I know that it’s a bit more difficult than I imagined, but I hope we’ll be able to find a way to be together.”

“But you must know that it’s ridiculous to believe that. He’s
over here and you are over there. He knows that it will never work – he’s playing with you.”

“But why would he? What’s he got to gain?”

“I can see he’s been rather … careful about what he’s been telling you. Am I right about what I said before? About how he said he came to be here?”

I couldn’t deny it. “Yes. That’s what he told me.”

“And you believed him?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“And has he answered all your questions about us, or has he been, more … selective?” She raised her eyebrow in a question, looking even more like Callum as she did so.

I couldn’t deny that. I thought back to the times where he had been evasive: about the Dirge who had gone away, the powers of the amulet, and when I had taken the amulet off. I looked away, and she smiled triumphantly. “You see, he’s not been straight with you. Let me fill in the gaps. Callum is really only a boy, of course, but he’s been doing this for so long now that he has really got very good at it.”

“Only a boy? So how old is he then?”

“None of us is exactly sure, but I believe he is – or rather was – just a young teenager. He can be terribly immature.”

I bristled. “But he doesn’t look anything like that young.”

“Our side does strange things to us, you know. It’s not just the weird cloaks and the amulets. I think it changes us in other ways too. Really, Callum is just kid.”

“So have you come all the way over here to warn me that he is young? It doesn’t seem worth it.”

She shook her head. “Hardly. I felt it was my duty to warn you of the danger.”

“What danger?”

“From Callum.”

“But how can he be dangerous? He’s over there and I’m here. He can’t hurt anyone.”

“So what did he tell you about the amulets?”

“Well, that you use them to collect and store happy memories every day. He said that they appeared on your wrists when you came out of the river, and that you can’t take them off.” I hesitated, then plunged on. “And mine allows me to communicate with him … and you,” I added as an afterthought.

Catherine nodded as if confirming something. “Just as I thought: he’s said nothing,” she murmured to herself.

“What exactly are you getting at?” My whispers were getting louder.

“When one of you – on your side – wears the amulet it gradually stores up all of your best memories. Then, when it is ready he can download it all from you in one huge hit. It means that he can then go away.” Her smile was thin. “On a ‘holiday’ I suppose. He has so much in his amulet that he can escape from the daily grind of gathering.

“He’s done this a few times now. He seems very attuned to any amulets that get found, and of course he is very good at making sure that there are plenty of high-grade memories going into the store.”

She looked at my horrified face and grimaced. “I can see I’m going to have to persuade you. Let me think what he might have said. Are you the first girl he has ever loved? Do you touch his heart in a way that no one else has ever been able to do before? Have you made his existence worth having?”

The cold fear was now starting to spread. I was beginning
to find it hard to focus. She
had
to be wrong. He wasn’t playing me along – I was sure. But everything she mentioned he had said to me at some point. Could that make it true? I didn’t want to believe it. There had to be another explanation.

“No!” I hissed, trying to stay quiet. “I don’t want to hear any more about this. Maybe you mean well, but I don’t believe you.”

“Just think about it. Think about what he’s said. Then think about what he’s not said. And then ask him about Olivia.”

It couldn’t get any worse.

“He’s not told you about Olivia, then?” she continued, shaking her head again, then tossing her long mane of golden hair back over her shoulders.

“Who’s she?” My voice was dull. I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know.

“His girlfriend. They’ve been together for years.” Catherine continued to sit there, watching me carefully as my world collapsed.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Just ask him. He spends
every
morning with Olivia. See what he says and then make up your mind.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” I could barely get the words out.

“I’m sorry, but I’ve had enough of watching what he does to people. He does these terrible things, and then he disappears for months on end. It’s very disruptive and it really upsets Olivia, so, as she is my friend, well … I decided to put a stop to it.”

“So … what do you suggest that I do?”

“First, stop wearing the amulet.”

“Callum told me never to take it off, that it wasn’t safe.”

“Well, you need to decide which of us is telling the truth. You think about it and ask him those questions, then make up
your mind.”

“And if I believe you?” I didn’t want to think it was a possibility that she was telling the truth, but I wanted to know my options.

“When you realise I’m right, just put the amulet on and call my name, and I will be there. There is a way out of this for you, you know, and I’m happy to show you. None of this is your fault.”

“OK,” I whispered. I was confident that Callum wasn’t the monster she was describing, that she was wrong and malicious. But she didn’t look it, sitting there with a concerned look on her face. I tried to sit up a little straighter. “Well, thanks for the advice, Catherine. When I talk to Callum in the morning I’ll be sure to ask him.”

“I know you will, and I know you’ll call me afterwards. The truth hurts, but I will be able to make it better for you, believe me.”

I didn’t respond, just looked her in the eyes, searching for the truth. For a moment neither of us gave way, then she gave a ghost of smile and looked down.

“I’ll be talking to you soon,” she said, confidently. Then she was gone.

I quickly scanned around with the mirror to make sure she had left the room. I lay back on my pillow, my thoughts racing. How could I believe anything she said? But as I lay there, my mind kept coming back to all those moments when I felt he had not been straight with me. I kept flicking back over every conversation we had had, trying to pinpoint when I’d felt uneasy because I felt he’d been evasive. There was no way around it. He had misled me – or rather allowed me to mislead myself – about all sorts of things. And he definitely hadn’t mentioned Olivia. I didn’t want to believe Catherine, but in my heart I knew that what she had told
me contained at least a grain of truth.

The only way to be sure was to check with Callum tomorrow. I clutched the bracelet on my wrist and debated taking it off. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it: it was my only link with Callum, and until I knew what was going on I wasn’t going to risk losing that.

Confrontation

The alarm burst into life in the morning, pulling me abruptly out of a restless sleep. I lay there for a moment, confused. Something strange had happened but I knew I hadn’t been dreaming, I just couldn’t remember what it was. I turned on my side and saw the small mirror open on the bedside table. Suddenly it all flooded back.

Catherine had visited and had told me things about Callum that I didn’t want to hear. I pressed my fists into my eyes but I couldn’t stop the memory swirling round my brain. Last night in the comforting darkness I had been so convinced she was wrong, but now I was less sure. I peered over my knuckles and checked the mirror – he wasn’t in the room. Did that mean that she was right, that he was busy with – I could barely even think the name – Olivia?

I didn’t know what to do. There was no one I could talk to, no way of getting any help with the decision. I realised with a sinking feeling how far I was from being able to tell Grace. I was entirely on my own.

The weather suited my mood – a fine drizzle settled over everything, drenching me on the short walk to the coach stop. I drifted through school that morning in a daze, half of me hoping that he wouldn’t appear so I didn’t have to face the possibility that he’d lied to me, the other half wanting to confront him, so that I
would know the truth. Grace was quick to sense my mood and left me to my thoughts.

It was late morning by the time he appeared, sneaking up silently during the chemistry laboratory session. He seemed so happy, almost bouncing in his enthusiasm for our day. It made me think of what Catherine had said about him being very young. I shook my head to clear it of the thought.

“Hello, beautiful. How are you this morning? Are you ready to liven up this dull old lesson? I can’t believe you choose to learn this stuff.” He hardly paused for breath before continuing. “Anyway, I’ve been thinking about some other bands we could go and see. I’ve memorised a whole list of gigs so why don’t you write them down as I tell you and then we can decide.”

I hated squashing his mood, but I couldn’t do this in the middle of a double session on the synthesis of esters. I quickly pulled my notebook towards me.

“Oh.” The disappointment was evident in the single syllable. “If you are sure that I can’t help? Would a massage of the forehead make it better?”

As he spoke he started to stroke my head, but I needed some self-control.

“I’ll be listening for you. Be as quick as you can.” He kissed my neck and was gone.

It was the first lie I’d told him and it felt terrible. Could I
really believe that he had been lying to me? It all seemed so unlikely.

The rest of the lesson dragged by, and all I could do was make endless lists in my head of pros and cons for believing him. I really wanted to write them down, but as I didn’t know if he was watching me I didn’t dare.

I didn’t stay for lunch. As I had no lessons that afternoon I was allowed to use the school facilities or go home. Usually I would go to the library or the art department to work on my project, but I wanted to be alone. I also couldn’t wait – I needed to know now.

I made my way over to the music department. Down a dark corridor there was a warren of soundproofed little practice rooms. From time to time doors opened and wafts of beautiful music or screeching violins filled the corridor. I checked the booking timetable and found a room which would be empty for a while. I was in luck – it was one of the ones also used by the drama department so there was a large mirror on one wall.

I carefully locked the door behind me and drew the blind over the little viewing window. I sat down in front of the mirror and tried to compose myself, to plan what I wanted to ask, but it wasn’t easy. Every time I thought about the possibility of him not denying it my eyes welled up.

Get a grip, I told myself sternly. You don’t know anything is wrong yet. Find out before getting overdramatic.

I sat up straight and called his name. It was time to confront him.

I had barely got the word out of my mouth when he was there, enthusiastic as ever. He must have been following me because he already understood the set-up.

“Hey, cool room! Soundproofed and private – why didn’t we think of this before?” He reached for my hair and started stroking
the back of my neck. “How long do you have before you have to start behaving yourself again?” His voice was a little muffled as he had started to kiss my ear.

I was torn. Part of me wanted to surrender, to take no notice of Catherine and just enjoy the moment. It was hugely tempting. But the other part of me, the practical part, wouldn’t let me off so easily. I was filled with nagging doubts and kept replaying Catherine’s comments. I had to do something.

I sat up and looked at him. “Callum, please stop.”

He lifted his head with a cheeky smile on his face, clearly expecting this to be part of the fun. Then he saw the look in my eyes and his face fell.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, full of concern.

“I need to ask you something.”

“Anything.”

“And I need an honest answer.”

He looked confused. “Of course.”

I hesitated. Once I had said it there would be no going back. I would either ruin his trust in me or destroy my own heart, but I had to know. I had to be strong.

“Callum, who is Olivia?” His face was instantly ashen and his mouth fell open. “Please. I need to know.”

He recovered his voice. “How do you know about Olivia?”

“So it’s true.” My voice was suddenly dull and I could feel the edges of my world start to collapse. I couldn’t look at him any more.

“She’s just a girl, I – I – really, I don’t know what to tell you. She’s a girl over here.”

“There’s no need to explain. I get the picture.” I gathered all my courage together and lifted my head. “Goodbye, Callum. It was
fun, but we both know this can’t continue.” My free hand moved towards the amulet.

“No!” he bellowed, following my movement. “Don’t go. I understand about Rob! We can work something out.”

It was my turn to look confused, and my hand paused.

“Rob? What does he have to do with this?”

“Look, I know you still want him and I understand. We can be friends.”

“That’s nonsense, and
friends
wasn’t what I had in mind.”

I was getting more agitated now, and was struggling to hold my composure. I didn’t want him to see me cry: it would be better to finish this quickly. “It’s too late. I know you have told me nothing about Olivia and you’ve lied to me about where Veronica has gone.”

He had been pulling himself together but the comment about Veronica clearly floored him.

“I can explain,” he said, flustered. “It’s not what you think.”

I stole a quick glance at him. He looked wild, desperate to keep things going, just as Catherine had predicted. His glorious blue eyes pleaded with mine and for a moment I felt myself sinking, being dragged into those depths. How bad could it be to surrender to him? I wondered. Did it really matter what he would take, if I could continue to have a little bit of him?

I almost wavered, and I saw the small flicker of hope in his face as I hesitated. But that glimpse was too much for me; I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I deserved to love someone who would love me equally in return, and although my heart screamed in protest I felt a growing resolution. “I won’t be lied to, Callum, by you, or anyone else.”

His face fell again. “Please don’t go, Alex! I can explain everything. Just give me a chance.”

“It’s too late.” My tone was harsh, as I struggled to hide my misery. “You had plenty of chances.” I kept my chin up, willing myself not to cry. “Please just leave me and my friends alone now. We don’t want you gathering from us, and there won’t be much joy around here anyway. I’ll throw the amulet back into the river for your next victim.”

“No! Don’t go! I’ll tell you everything!” He sounded truly desperate.

“It’s too late,” I repeated softly, forcing myself to look away from the face I loved, the face I was never going to see again. “Please, Callum, it’s for the best. Please don’t try and contact me again.”

I looked up through eyes which were brimming over. His head was bowed, and I thought I saw the glistening of a tear on his face. He was shaking his head and whispering under his breath.

“No! This can’t be happening. I don’t believe it. It can’t be happening.”

He ran his hand through hair, hair that I would never learn how to touch. When he raised his head his misery was obvious; the pain on his face, the defeated droop of his shoulders, the emptiness of his eyes. The beautiful fire was gone. They looked leaden, lifeless.

I swallowed hard. Whatever he had been going to do to me and my memories was clearly extreme. He was devastated that I had found him out. I had to be strong now and finish things.

“Callum, please don’t do this to people. Don’t risk putting anyone else through what I am going through. Just leave us all alone. You have to go. You have to go
now
.” I looked into his eyes as I ripped the amulet from my wrist and dropped it on the floor. My last glimpse of him shimmered and faded. I was alone again.

I let the tears come. They ran in streams down my face and
dripped into my lap. But I couldn’t give into them completely. I might not be able to see him, but I knew he could see me and everything I was doing. I needed to get away from him. I needed to go somewhere he had never been with me. I picked up the amulet with a pencil and threw it into my rucksack. I scrabbled around in my pocket to find a tissue, mopped my eyes and blew my nose before I checked my face in the mirror, unlocked the door and made for the nearest exit. I didn’t want to risk bumping into anyone. Outside, the drizzle had given way to a weak sunshine and I was surrounded by the sounds of girls enjoying themselves: the shrieks from the junior girls across the field, the cheers from the track, the gentle murmurs from the groups I passed.

I felt as if I was hardly there. It all seemed slightly muffled, slightly unreal. Inside me I could feel a writhing pain, eager to get to the surface. I forced it back down. It wasn’t yet time to let it out.

My feet took me to the school gates. I scanned the bus stops, checking for people I knew, then went to stand at one where no one was waiting.

A small thought surfaced: was he still watching me? How was I ever going to know? He could be standing right beside me. Horrified at the thought, I started walking. A bus appeared going in the opposite direction and I got on automatically. I knew that I couldn’t get away from Callum if he was determined to be with me, but I couldn’t bear just to stand there. I needed to feel as if I was doing something. I wondered dully where the bus was heading as the driver threw it into gear and we lurched off but I didn’t really care. Sitting in the corner, I forced back all conscious thoughts, and pressed my forehead into the cool glass of the window. It felt smooth and uncomplicated, so I focused on that.

The bus wound its way slowly past houses and shops where
normal people went about their business. It felt wrong that no one else could sense my misery, that life was going on regardless. After a while I realised that the houses had given way to parkland. We were heading towards Hampton Court Palace.

Hampton Court. The idea registered slowly. That would be a good place to go, I realised. I could lose myself in the maze. At this time of day and with the miserable weather earlier it was unlikely to be busy.

I made myself get up and off the bus, and walked quickly through the grounds to the maze. There were just a few tourists milling about, as I’d thought. And, as I hoped, the maze was almost deserted, and the guy at the gate looked completely uninterested as I waved my season ticket at him and pushed my way through the turnstile.

I moved between the ancient yew hedges without thinking, just putting one foot in front of another. It was quite therapeutic. All I could see was hedge, and all I could hear was the sound of my own feet crunching on the gravel. I walked without taking in anything, around corners and double-back turns, past dead-ends and open archways. All the time I willed myself to keep control of my emotions, to concentrate only on walking.

Suddenly I realised that something was different – the air seemed fresher, lighter. I blinked and looked around me; I had reached the middle. I knew this maze too well and my feet had automatically taken me straight to the centre. I couldn’t even get lost properly.

I could feel my grip on my feelings starting to slip and I staggered towards the bench seat. I let my head fall on to my knees and gave in to the anguish. The waves of sadness rolled over me. I felt a huge sob forming in my chest. I gasped in enough air to feed
it, and one racking sob gave way to another. I was never going to see Callum again.