Small Blue Thing (23 page)

“It just feels better somehow. I’m not sure how I can convince you, but I know that it won’t happen again.”

She looked at me shrewdly. “What has been going on, Alex? You seemed perfectly happy up until the time you went out with Rob, and even after that you were incredibly upbeat by the next evening. But just a few days later you were behaving like a potential suicide. Your mood swings were staggering, even for a teenager. Dad and I were about to talk to you when you had your accident.”

I looked at the floor, horrified that my emotions had been so transparent. “So when I heard about what had happened,” she continued, “I couldn’t help but wonder. You had been so down, so miserable, that I thought maybe you had had … enough.” The tears were glistening in her eyes. “But I couldn’t really believe that you would ever want to take your own life. I know that you know the effect that would have on the rest of us, and that
nothing
is ever that bad.”

I took her hand again and waited until she looked at me.

“Mum, I would never do that. You’re right – I couldn’t do it
to all of you, or to my friends.”

“Thank you. I thought as much, but under the circumstances it did cross my mind.” She paused, then added in a different tone, “Would you tell me what it was that was making you so miserable? What exactly did Rob do?”

I still couldn’t decide what to tell her. “Rob is nothing, Mum, he’s really not important.”

“So what was it that upset you so much?”

“I was a bit upset, I know, but that had nothing to do with my being ill. And I’m over it now anyway.” I tried to sound as sincere as possible but I could tell she wasn’t convinced.

“Was it a boy? A different boy?”

She clearly wasn’t about to give up.

“OK, Mum, I give in. Yes it was about another boy; someone I really liked.”

She started to ask another question, so I put up my hand.

“Please, Mum, leave it. I’ve already told you more than I wanted to. It’s not a problem now.” I raised my head and looked directly at her, daring her to ask more.

“Fine, fine. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to be sure that you were, well, that you had resolved things.”

I could feel the gentle stroking on my arm.

“I’m perfectly content, Mum, honestly. There was a misunderstanding but now that has been sorted out.”

She took my hand, disturbing the rhythm of the stroking for a minute.

“So no clues for me about your mystery man?”

“No. Stop being so nosy! Anyway, it’s all over now.”

The stroking suddenly stopped and I could feel his lips brush my neck.

“It better not be over or I’ll kiss you in front of your mother,” laughed the voice in my head.

“I’m glad you got it sorted out, then, whoever it was. It’s terrible seeing your child so miserable and not being able to help. It’s so much more complicated these days. I always used to be able to cheer you up with a hug or a piece of chocolate.”

“I’m sorry, Mum. I can’t help getting older.”

She squeezed my hand again. “No,
I
’
m
sorry: I need to learn to let go of both of you. But I’ll never stop worrying though. That’s just part of a mother’s job description.”

“I know,” I laughed. “We do try not to torment you too badly.”

“In that case you both fail abysmally.” She smiled as she said it, but I could hear the depth of feeling behind the words.

“So what were the other guaranteed ways of cheering me up when I was little?” I asked, trying to lighten the conversation.

“Ooh, there was quite a selection, depending on your age. You were never quite as easy to pacify as Josh, but I found a number of ways. When you were very little it was…”

She started reminiscing over a brand of toys from a TV programme that had captivated me as a toddler. As I listened, I became aware of the fireflies again. There was one dancing right above Mum’s head. Bright yellow, it darted about just a few inches above her hair. I couldn’t see the actual insect, just the yellow light, but then we were sitting in the shade.

I reached over to brush it away, and Mum broke off from her story.

“What is it?” she asked, looking around.

It was gone.

“Just another of those strange fireflies bouncing around.
They do seem to like you at the moment.”

She ran her fingers through her hair. “Maybe I should get the spray. I could do without being an insect’s dinner. Be back in a sec.” She wandered off into the house, where she kept a huge stash of different repellents as she hated getting bitten.

Callum was there the instant she had gone.

“See, I told you I could behave.”

“I should think so, too. Do you mind that I sort of mentioned you?”

“Of course not. I just wish we didn’t have to be so secretive.”

“I know, but at the moment there’s just no other way. And I’m sorry for saying it was all over.” I was teasing him now, and he knew it.

“Hmm. I’ll have to work out a way to get back at you later.” His fingers danced down my spine.

“Shh.” I laughed. “I can see Mum coming back out of the house.

“Yes, Ma’am, whatever you say. I might stay put though – I enjoy listening to all the ridiculous things you did as a child.”

“You are so lucky that I can’t throw something at you. Now be quiet!”

I started to hum to myself as Mum got in earshot, so I was covered in case she had seen me talking.

We spent a happy half-hour sitting in the garden, talking about the past and laughing about some of the mad things Josh and I had done as children. Despite the insect repellent the firefly kept returning. It was quite mesmerising, and Mum kept on breaking off from her tales to find out what I was staring at.

After a while Dad joined us, bringing some cold drinks, and we sat laughing as the shadows lengthened. As Mum and Dad
went over some of the gory details of stupid things I had done, I could hear Callum laughing and commenting. It was hard to remember not to answer him out loud.

The fireflies were out in force, and Dad acquired some too, bouncing around above his head. My parents were both obviously overjoyed at having me home, and their mobiles were ringing constantly as their friends got the news that I had been discharged. It sounded as if some of them were trying to get a party together to go out for a curry, but I really didn’t want to go with them. I wanted to wrap up somewhere quiet with Callum and be able to talk properly to him, not just be conscious of him at my side.

I longed to hear tales of his childhood, to know some intimate little details of his earlier life, when he was real and substantial. As I listened to my parents, it made me sad that I could never have that sort of conversation with him. It must make him sad too, I realised.

“Hey,” said the voice in my head, “why the gloomy face? Is something wrong?”

I shook my head almost imperceptibly.

“It’s so much harder with you, you know: I have to guess if you are happy.”

I raised my eyebrows just a fraction in a question.

“Well, it’s dead easy with your parents, for example, their auras are really bright right now, so I know they are delighted. You look really quite down.”

As he said it, I looked up at Mum and Dad sitting together, smiling over some shared memory. The fireflies were still bouncing over their heads.

The yellow fireflies!

I could feel the piece of the jigsaw click firmly into place, and
sat up with a jerk.

Mum and Dad looked over at me in the same moment, as if they had been pulled by strings. The fireflies popped out in an instant.

“I’ve just remembered that I haven’t been able to speak to Grace yet. Is it OK if I go inside for a while and call her?” I said quickly.

They looked at each other.

“Not at all, darling,” said Mum, visibly relaxing. “Take as long as you like. I’ll sort out dinner later. Any special requests?”

I really didn’t want to debate dinner so a quick decision was needed. I picked Mum’s favourite. “Could we have a takeaway curry?”

“Of course.” She nodded contentedly. “I’ll order the usual.”

“Great,” I agreed over my shoulder as I finally got away.

I could feel Callum keeping pace with me as I strode into the house. His voice kept coming and going.

“Hey, Alex, what’s all this about? Are you OK?”

“You and I need to talk. Right now!” I couldn’t keep the excitement from my voice.

“OK, OK, hold on, let’s get to your room.”

I took the stairs at a trot and quickly set up everything I needed. The room was beginning to darken so the table light threw long shadows across us both. Callum’s face appeared next to mine, a deep frown creasing his forehead.

I wasn’t sure how to start, but I was pretty sure of my suspicions.

“When you see an aura,” I started, ignoring his puzzled look, “what exactly do you see?”

“Well, it depends.”

“On what?”

“Give me a second and I’ll tell you!” His impatience was good humoured and I could tell he had no idea what I was getting at.

“It all depends on the emotion. When people are sad I see a deep purple mist around them. If they are angry it is red and more contained. Happy people have concentrated yellow specks of light. That’s what makes it so easy for me to collect them. If it were a more diffuse sort of mist it would be really difficult.”

I was almost bouncing with excitement.

“What is it? I don’t understand.” He was looking really bemused.

“I can see them! I can see Mum and Dad’s auras! I’ve been thinking it was fireflies, but it’s not, is it?”

The expression on his face changed from one of shock to one of wonder, then slowly to one of absolute horror.

Talents

“What’s wrong?” I asked him, puzzled. “I thought you would be pleased. Could it be that you somehow transferred some part of you with my memories when you gave them back to me?” I could hardly contain myself with excitement, so why was he looking so aghast? I tried again.

“Callum! Do you think I could be right?”

He stayed quite silent. I felt like shaking him to get a response, but of course I couldn’t do that. Instead I did the next best thing and took the amulet off for a second. His face shimmered and disappeared, then was back the instant I slid it back into place.

His eyes immediately refocused. “Don’t do that,” he muttered under his breath. Then he nodded slowly. “I think you
are
right. This is awful.”

“But why? It sounds like fun to me.” He was beginning to scare me. “Why do you think it is a problem?”

“Being like us, being the way we are … it’s not a good thing, Alex. I thought you understood that.” His face was ashen. “When did this start?”

“I’m not really sure. This morning, I think, when I came home. It’s been getting stronger though.”

“So it wasn’t immediately after you recovered then?”

“No, I don’t think so.” I was starting to get cross now. What was up with him? “Talk to me, Callum, explain what you are
worried about.”

He put his head in his free hand for a moment, then looked up at me with anguished eyes. I couldn’t believe I had found something else to make our lives more difficult again. Finally he spoke.

“What if it’s the amulet changing? It could be that it’s starting to exert its influence over you, even though you are over there. It’s over there with you after all, so why shouldn’t it have its usual effect?” His voice was flat, and he looked at his own amulet in disgust.

“So explain why that is a problem.”

“Do you want to be miserable, do you want to have to chase those yellow lights, steal those memories, just to keep sane?”

I didn’t want to hear this. “But I don’t feel depressed any more! I feel happy!”

“You don’t know!” he almost shouted, making me jump. “I won’t be responsible for dragging you into this.”

“What do you mean?”

“You have to take the amulet off, now, and throw it far away before it does any more damage.”

“What are you saying? Then I wouldn’t be able to see you at all, and what’s the point of that?”

“I know, but it’s too dangerous: we don’t know what’s going to happen, how it’s going to change you.”

I felt a small shiver of fear run down my spine, but I wasn’t going to give up. “But only a few days ago you were furious with me for taking it off in my driving lesson. We know that it is dangerous, and Catherine could only do what she did because I had it but wasn’t wearing it. Now you are insisting I take it off. It doesn’t make sense.”

I could see him about to object again, so I stopped him. “Look, let’s both calm down and try to work it out. OK?”

I watched him struggle to control himself, but he bit his tongue and waited a few moments.

“OK,” he agreed, “but I just can’t bear it if you get hurt again.”

“I know, I know.” I reached up for his face and tried to smooth away the frown which was etched into his brow. “And I can’t bear it if I have to lose you again, so let’s work it out … yes?” I looked up at him, waiting for his answer.

Finally, he nodded in agreement.

I pulled a piece of paper across my cluttered desk and found a pen. The first one I picked up didn’t work, so I had to scratch around for another one. It was a luminous green colour with a feather attached, left over from some long-distant party bag. But it worked, so it would have to do.

“Right.” I put on my most efficient manner. “What exactly do we know? What are the facts?”

He looked as if he was humouring me but he did start. “First fact: you lost all your memories. Catherine and I both caught them. I stored them in my amulet and then transferred them back to you.”

“Right, and they are all fine – a little disconnected maybe, but all there. Well, except for one notable deletion and addition.” I smiled at him, but his answering smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Fact two: you can now see yellow lights above people’s heads.”

“Yes,” I agreed, scribbling it down, “and it’s been happening all day.”

“What might have triggered it? Anything?”

“Well, coming out of hospital, I guess. I didn’t see any in
there.”

“Maybe it was being in your home. Perhaps that’s the key.”

I thought about it for a second. “I suppose it could be,” I agreed doubtfully, writing it on the list.

He was on a roll. “Do you only see the lights over people you know?” he demanded.

“I’ve no idea. I’ve not really had the opportunity to test it.”

“Right, let’s try it out. Look out of the window.”

We went to the window to see who was passing on the road outside. I peered out into the early evening, waiting.

Soon a woman walked past with a nervous-looking Irish terrier. I watched her carefully. There was nothing unusual to see, and then the dog stopped and looked up at her, licking her hand. She bent down to stroke the top of his head and a little yellow light popped into existence. I couldn’t help gasping.

“What do you see?” Callum demanded.

“There was nothing at first, but then I saw a sudden yellow light above her head as she bent down. What did
you
see?”

“Pretty much the same,” he admitted grudgingly, “although I got a bit of purple mist first before the dog cheered her up.”

We sat and watched the road for a while, and I tried to spot those thinking of good memories. They were remarkably few and far between.

“Is this usual?” I asked after the fifth person walked by without any sign of a firefly light.

“Oh yes, in fact I’d say that round here the people are
more
cheerful than other places, especially London.” He paused. “That’s why it’s so hard for us to track down enough happiness to keep going. It’s a constant struggle to find and capture them.”

I still didn’t understand why he was so bothered by the
whole thing. I moved back to the table so I could see him again in the mirror.

“So why is it a problem that I can see this now? Why are you so worried?”

“I think your amulet must be changing, and I don’t like that. Amulets aren’t exactly … benevolent things. I can’t imagine that yours is changing in any way that’s good.”

“OK, so what do we do? I’m not going to take it off again when we are not sure. And I can’t bear to be without you.” I could feel his touch as his arms went around me and he rested his head against mine.

“I couldn’t bear that either,” he said softly, tightening his grip on me in the mirror.

“So what other options do we have?” I persisted.

Callum looked thoughtful for a moment. “Perhaps I could ask Matthew,” he said slowly. “He may have heard of something, have some idea…”

“Excellent plan,” I agreed.

I saw Callum steal a glance at my watch. “If I want to get him in a good mood I had better get going.” He hesitated for a second. “I might not make it back again before my curfew. I’m sorry.”

I pouted at him but then smiled. “Don’t worry. This is important. You need to find out what you can. Go and find Matthew and come back to me as soon as you can in the morning. I don’t believe I have any plans to be in school.”

He gathered me more tightly and kissed the top of my head. “I love you. Wish me luck!” For a second one of his dazzling smiles banished the worry from his face, and then he was gone.

I remembered what I’d said to Mum and Dad, and I picked up the phone to call Grace. However glorious it was to spend time
with Callum, I missed her.

Grace was at my house in minutes, obviously having had no problem persuading her dad to give her a lift. After a quick hello to my parents, we retired back up to my room. We had had a few conversations when I was in the hospital, but we’d never been alone, and I could tell she was dying to know all about the package and what I knew. I was still unsure of what I should tell her. She settled herself down on her usual spot on my futon chair, mug of coffee in her hands. “Well, what was all that about then? You must have a theory.”

I hesitated for just a second. Could I tell her, or would she just think I was mad? For a second I had a picture of her knowing everything: I’d introduce her to Callum and things could almost be normal. I hated keeping things from her: she knew every single other detail of my life. And of all the people I could tell, she would be the most accepting, I was sure. But then my courage deserted me. It was all too strange, and I couldn’t begin to find the right words. “You know, I was going to ask you the same thing. My memory of that morning is a bit patchy.”

“It’s frustrating, isn’t it?” she agreed. “I have a very clear memory of being there, but then it goes a bit fuzzy and I can’t sort of pull out any details.”

I nodded furiously, hoping that I might get away with it.

“But the really peculiar thing,” she continued, “is the bracelet. How did I end up wearing that? It’s barely been off your wrist since you found it.”

“I’ve been wondering about that too. It does seem really odd.”

“And then when I put it back on your wrist, you came back from the dead!”

I was in trouble: she had made that connection. “But that’s just ridiculous. Bracelets can’t do that.”

“No, but there is something
truly
odd about that one.” Her voice was almost fearful and I saw her steal a glance at it and shudder, then look away.

“What do you mean?”

“Well – don’t laugh when I tell you this – but I did wonder whether it was a bit … possessed.”

“Possessed? What, by a ghost, or something?” I tried to look as if I was finding this amusing.

“Not exactly, more of a presence. I know it’s silly, but when I was wearing it I had the strangest thoughts – almost as if someone else was speaking in my head.” She sighed, then muttered to herself, “I should never have started this,” before taking a deep breath. “It was a man’s voice,” she said reluctantly.

“How exciting! It hasn’t had any effect on me; I just love the look of it.” I paused, but was unable to resist. “So, what did the voice say that made you want to give the bracelet back?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could manage.

“It was very odd. It just kept saying that the bracelet wasn’t mine and that I had to get it back to you. It was never exactly threatening; I just knew that I had to do it.”

“Well, I’m sure it had nothing to do with my recovery, but thank you for looking after it and for giving it back to me anyway.”

“But why did I have it in the first place? And I have a vague memory of an envelope from you. Was it in that?”

I thought quickly – I had sent her a text about the envelope, and left a voicemail, so I couldn’t deny its existence “Yes. I wanted you to look after it for a bit, but I can’t remember why now.”

“As long as that was all that was in there, because the
envelope’s gone. There was no sign of it in my bag when I came around.”

“Oh well, it doesn’t really matter now.” I tried to sound offhand about the whole subject while hoping that no one would ever find that memory card.

She shook her head and sighed again. “I guess not.” As I looked at her a small yellow light popped on over her head. “Hey, did I tell you that Jack came to visit me in the hospital?”

“No, you didn’t! Come on, tell me everything: did seeing you vulnerable and helpless propel him into super-boyfriend mode?”

She blushed scarlet, and nodded mutely, the yellow light growing stronger and stronger. “And…?” I prompted, keen to hear about her news but also keen to observe some good memories in progress.

“He told me he loved me.” It came out in a slightly embarrassed squeak and she hid for a moment behind her curtain of long dark hair. I had to smile.

Grace giggled her way through the details of her conversations with Jack. I wouldn’t have thought that he had that much romance in him, but from what Grace was saying he seemed completely smitten.

Throughout, the yellow light danced over her head, sometimes flicking briefly on and off as she moved on to a new story. Finally though, the yellow light snapped out. I couldn’t help but look at her with a question on my face before she even had a chance to speak.

“Did I tell you I had a visit from Rob as well?” she asked.

“No, I don’t think you mentioned it,” I replied hesitantly. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what he had been after.

“He said he noticed that you had tried to call him but it
looked like the phone had cut out. He said there was a desperate-sounding message from you which he picked up later.”

“Huh! He cut me off! He saw who was calling and cut me off. I was furious.”

“I’m afraid that’s not all. He’s convinced that it was some sort of suicide attempt because he finished with you. Sorry,” she added meekly, looking at the rage on my face.

“The little…! I … I … words fail me! I wish he was here so I could smack him in the mouth.”

“I think both Jack and Josh are planning to get there before you.”