Slide (Black Addiction #1) (24 page)

I really didn’t want to go on. I hadn’t meant to overshare so much but as soon as I started, I couldn’t stop. It’s not like I had anything more to lose so I thought what the hell. “Thanks for the opportunity, Ashlyn. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”

I was ready for the well-thanks-for-the-explanation-we-don’t-hire-crazy-people speech or the polite brush off. I didn’t know Ashlyn well enough to know which one would be coming my way but was almost positive the phone call was ending in rejection. It was okay though, for the first time in a long time I wasn’t completely devastated. Everything happens for a reason, right? Look at me with my positive spin. Maybe I was going to get through this mess after all.

“Hold up, you met your dad for the first time and you broke up with Rusty?” The disbelief evident in her voice. “Sounds like a pretty epic day if you ask me. I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I’m sorry, Alison.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m pretty maxed out on emotions at the moment so I guess that’s a positive.” My mouth kept talking despite my brain telling it to shut the hell up. “Missing out on a chance to work with you sucks but at least I discovered a new industry I might be good at. I hadn’t even thought of a music label so the new direction is really good. Trust me, that’s progress considering up until recently I had no idea what I even wanted to do.”

If I’d overshared before, I had no idea what my mouth was spewing now. I was almost certain my verbal spillage would garner no response, not unless you counted hanging up. No sane person would continue with this call, so I waited patiently for the goodbye or dead air.

Any minute now.

“So are you available Friday? I have an opening at three.”

I must be hallucinating because she can’t have said what I thought she just said. Maybe my brain had hit some self-preservation switch? Fooling me into hearing words that hadn’t been spoken and saving me from the mortification. No one in their right mind could have listened to my tales of woe and
still
be offering me an interview. So one of the two had to be happening. I was either delusional or I had voices in my head. Both options confirming I was unwell.

“Um . . . you want to interview me?”

“Your qualifications haven’t changed. I’m willing to overlook the missed interview based on extenuating circumstances.”

My mind was spinning. Was it out of sympathy or was she just being nice? I had been fully prepared for the rejection. Really. Truly. My peace made at the lost opportunity.

“But didn’t you hear what I said? Doesn’t that make you think I’m crazy? And now that I’m no longer with Rusty, you don’t have to go through with this.”

“Firstly, are you trying to talk me out of interviewing you?” She laughed before continuing. “
I’ll
be the judge of whether or not you are suitable for the job. Secondly, Rusty handed me your resume, no promises were made. I wanted to meet you because you seemed like the right person for the job not because of who you were dating.”

Floored. Absolutely floored.

“I can be there Friday at three. I won’t be late.” I stopped trying to fight it and welcomed my second chance. If this lady was crazy enough to give it, I was grabbing onto that lifeline with both hands.

“Fantastic. I will see you then.” I heard the smile in her voice. “Oh, and Alison.” She paused before going on. “It’s okay that you’re a mess. I don’t know what it’s like to suddenly meet a man claiming to be your father, but break ups are hard. I hope things work out for you and Rusty.”

“Me too.” I nodded my head even though she couldn’t see it. “Me too.”

As much as I
wanted to beg her to stay, I didn’t. Instead I watched her get a few things, throw them into a bag and leave with what was left of my heart.

Nothing had hurt more.

I’d lived my life up until this point completely insulated from heartache, not because of some grand plan, but because I’d never fallen as hard for anyone, as I had for her. Alison was a game changer, and now I wasn’t sure if I’d ever feel anything other than rage and hurt consuming me.

It was probably that train of thought that saw me trash my favorite red Stratocaster, the body exploding as I smashed it against my bedroom floor but even with Big Red’s demise, Alison leaving was still the bigger blow.

By some miracle I was able to get my shit together enough to get myself to the hospital just in time for Jase to announce an eight-pound-nine-ounce baby boy had made his arrival. While I had completely missed the birth, Angie was so blissed-out on either amazing painkillers or motherhood that she was no longer angry at me. Just as well, not sure I could deal with her disappointment as well as my own shit.

“He’s perfect.” I looked at the swaddled bundle she was cradling in her arms, the little dude’s eyes scrunched up oblivious to the world.

“I know,” she answered, her smile not having left her face since I was allowed in to see her. “So we going to talk about the fact you look like shit? I may have just had a baby but I’m not fucking blind.”

“Angie, give him a break.” Jase shook his head, trying to go to bat for me.

“Thanks, dude, but you should know better than to argue with her. She isn’t going to let up so we might as well get it out in the open. The two of you missed some fireworks last night and all of it ended with Alison leaving.”

“What the fuck?” Angie said a little louder than she probably wanted to, junior stirring in her arms.

“Sweetheart, you are really going to have to downgrade the swearing.” Jase took the baby from her, mini Jase settling with the change-over. “Sorry to hear that Rus, let us know if there is anything we can do.” He gave me a chin tip being that his hands were occupied. The offer was kind even though there was jack anyone could do. Unless they could somehow convince Alison that she could sort out whatever she needed to sort with me by her side. Considering I had been unable to convince her, I wasn’t sure it was a possibility.

“How could she just leave? What the hell happened?”

Unlike Jase, Angie wasn’t content with my condensed version of events. I guess we’d been through so much together and she knew me enough to know there was more to the story. Not that I was entirely comfortable with it but there was no point hiding it. Max and Joey had witnessed half of the showdown last night. It wouldn’t take her long to connect the dots and work out it was more than a coincidence that Alison discovered Phil was her old man and then bailed.

“She’s confused. A lot of shit went down.” I pulled up a chair and started to recount the whole story. How I’d come off stage to see Phil’s hands on her and almost lost my shit. Then the son of a bitch dropped the bomb that twenty-five years ago, he’d shacked up with Alison’s mom, both of them neglecting to tell Alison. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to work out what happened next. Even Jase blew out an under his breath “Oh fuck” with Angie letting it fly with a few more colorful choice words.

“Fucking Phil is her dad? Max’s brother? How is that even possible?” She asked exactly what was rattling around in my head the minute I’d found out.

“Because babe, you don’t have to be that smart to put your dick into someone and make a baby.” I blew out in frustration, not thinking about what I was saying. “Oh shit, guys. I didn’t mean it that way.” My eyes glanced between the two of them, totally realizing how much of a dick I was being. The fact they themselves just had a baby completely overlooked by my throwaway line. It seemed saying the right thing wasn’t in my repertoire today. Too busy being a miserable bastard.

“We know you didn’t mean it that way.” Angie let me off the hook and gave me a smile. “Phil made a human. The guy can barely make a sandwich.”

“Yep.” As much as I would have loved for the story to end there it unfortunately didn’t. So I went on to fill in the gaps as to why I was now without the only girl I’d ever loved and rocking a bullshit mood. It didn’t get any better hearing it out loud. My heart just ached a little having to confront that this shit was real. Me needing to sit on the sidelines and hope she found her way back to me.

“I’m so sorry, Rusty.” Angie gave me a look I didn’t like seeing. It was bad enough I was miserable I didn’t want to drag her down with me. Especially not when she should be fucking ecstatic.

“Don’t even go there, babe. You need to concentrate on you and yours. I’m all good. I could bounce out a window and land on my feet, whatever happens will be for the best. Besides, I’m going to be caught up making sure you don’t make my new nephew soft to worry about any of that.”

Sure what I was spouting was total BS but that’s all she needed to hear. I’d deal, if it meant I’d go back to keeping things casual with ladies, then that’s what would happen. No fucking way would I want something with anyone else. Right now I’m not even sure my dick would be interested in another girl, let alone my heart.

“Please know we’re here for you, okay.” Angie gave me a tight smile that clued me in she wasn’t buying it. Honestly, I knew she probably wouldn’t but at least she wasn’t going to be a bitch about it and ride me.

“So what are you calling the little dude? Rusty is a good name, just putting it out there.” I decided the conversation had strayed long enough from the reason we were all sitting around a hospital room. For once in my life, I wasn’t comfortable with the attention.

“We haven’t decided yet.” Angie shrugged, shooting Jase some weird non-verbal dialogue with her eyes.

“We’d decided.” Jase grinned filling in the blanks. “But Angie changed her mind. We’ve narrowed it down to Declan or Zack. I’m cool with either but
someone
is having a hard time deciding.” Naming the
someone
wasn’t required as the raised eyebrow and loaded look were of enough a hint.

“It’s important.” Angie qualified, obviously needing to weigh in. “Our baby is going to be stuck with it for the rest of his life. We can’t just throw out a name and hope for the best. Talk to Gwyneth Paltrow’s kids in ten years, see how enthused
Apple
is about her parents’ need for originality.”

As much as I would have loved to continue the great baby name debate—it meant there was less time to think about my reality—I figured I should give them their space. It was time for me to bail and find a new way to distract myself. One that involved less people hopefully. It was on that note that I said my goodbyes, gave my yet-to-be-named nephew a kiss on the forehead and headed out the door. The sooner I tried to move on with my life, the better.

***

I was a lying sack of shit.

All that talk about me trying to move on with my life was complete bullshit. It had been three days since she’d left and every single time I walked back into my apartment it would take me approximately twenty minutes before I’d cave. My body lost its battle of will with my head and I’d walk my ass into the room she used to sleep in and sit on the floor. Because that made sense, prolong the agony a little more—dig the knife in a little deeper.

Misery was the only word for it. My days and nights empty as I flicked into autopilot. The band, the bar, nothing could get me out of my funk. Not even tinkering on my guitar could shake me from my mood, the anger and pain literally eating me from the inside out.

Max and Joey took turns stopping by which made shit even worse. The unspoken sympathy in their eyes not something I wanted to see. In the end I stopped answering the door.

Was I supposed to just let her go? Was I supposed to fight? Both had the potential to blow up in my face and, yet sitting around with my dick in my hand wasn’t an answer either. All I knew was I couldn’t just pretend we didn’t share something fucking real, that she didn’t mean anything. Even if it meant I didn’t get to sleep with her again. Even if she wasn’t ever going to be mine. I just needed to be in her life, even if it was only as a friend. Yeah, ’cause that was going to be easy. See what I mean?

Lying.

Sack.

Of.

Shit.

So sitting around feeling sorry for myself and not achieving much else could only go on so long. My limit exceeded, as my need for answers remained unanswered. Talking to Alison wasn’t going to happen either. Well not in the foreseeable future; not that I was going to let that stop me from pushing forward. I didn’t do well with sitting on my hands. Nope. Improvise, adapt and overcome. Like a motherfucking marine.

First thing I was going to do was find out what the dickwad who was claiming to be her father’s intentions were, because he had no chance of fucking messing with her head any more than he already did. That much I could guarantee.

I had no idea where I’d even look. Max had been tight-lipped about the piece of shit’s whereabouts and I assumed he hadn’t been dumb enough to stay with his baby bro. But given the shit he’d pulled in the past you never could tell. The fact he’d been mooching off his brother and totally denied he had a kid for so many years didn’t speak volumes of his character. Total douchebag, so rather than drive around the five boroughs in the hopes of finding him, needle-in-a-haystack style, I figured I’d start with his brother and see if he had any answers.

“Hey.” Max greeted me at the door, the look on his face not dissimilar to the one he’d been wearing each time he’d come to visit me. “How are you doing? Have you heard from her?” He winced knowing it probably wasn’t going to be good news.

“Haven’t heard jack. And considering she left me and that was the last time we spoke, I’d say my mood is fucking brilliant. I’m sure she’s doing peachy though, I mean why wouldn’t she? Things have turned out so fucking stellar so far, what’s not to be happy about.” So maybe I wasn’t done being pissed about the situation. I alternated. Pissed and sad. Obviously pissed didn’t make me cry like a pussy for the company so it was the better of the two.

“Have you tried to call her, dude? Maybe she just needed a day or two to get her head around it. It’s not like you to throw in the towel.” Max gestured to the living room as he closed the door behind us. Obviously dumbass wasn’t around or I doubt I’d be so welcome. I had threatened his brother on more than one occasion so Max inviting me in when there was a potential for homicide, probably wouldn’t have happened.

“You think that’s what I’m doing?” I stared at him in disbelief, the anger bubbling inside me until I wasn’t sure the drywall wasn’t going to get intimate with my fist. “Trust me, I want nothing more than to see her or call her. You think it’s easy for me to sit around waiting?” He had no idea what I went through every night, the mental debate that kept me up for hours wondering if I had made the right decision in letting her go. “It’s not about me. It’s not about what
I
want. Seriously, dude, how would you feel if the rug was pulled out from under your feet? That girl has been fucked over so many times by so many people who were supposed to care about her, the fact she hasn’t gone completely
Quentin Tarantino
is a fucking miracle. Someone needs to put her first for a change and if she wants space then that’s exactly what I’m going to give her.” I knew it wasn’t Max’s fault; the poor guy was left to deal with the fallout just like the rest of us. Still I couldn’t help myself from taking a cheap shot, it was my gift that I spread my misery. Everyone should get a piece.

“Fuck, man. I am so sorry. Tell me what I can do? We need to fix this. I’m already catching heat from my parents and I’ve had to pretty much beg them to stay away. I can’t hold them off much longer, their view is they’ve already been denied twenty-five years knowing their grandkid, they are going to do whatever they can now.”

However bad I thought it had been for Max, it wasn’t even close to the level of suck his reality had turned out to be. I’d been so consumed with my own pity-party that any shit he’d been catching hadn’t even registered. Not only was his asshat of a brother MIA, leaving a shitstorm behind him, but he had to play interference with his folks who wanted to step up to the plate and do right by their granddaughter. Which to say the least was fucking admirable and something Alison desperately needed. And on top of all of that, he had to deal with me and my issues. Just another reason not to feel good about myself. I could safely say I wasn’t going to be winning friend of the year.