Slide (Black Addiction #1) (23 page)

“Talk to me.” I didn’t bother with a hello. The sooner the interruption was dealt with, the better.

“Rus.” Angie’s panicked-filled voice hit my ear. “I’m having the baby. Oh. My. God. That fucking hurts.” She labored in between breaths. “So much fucking pain right now and these stupid drugs aren’t working.” More puffs of exaggerated breathing. “Get your ass down here.”

Getting anything productive from Angie wasn’t happening. Between a liberal amount of
fucks
and enough heavy breathing to put a sex line to shame, she gave up and handed the phone to a calmer Jason, who was able to say a little more than just expletives.

“She’s in labor. We’ve been here most of the night.” He stopped mid-sentence, bringing me up to speed no longer important. “You’re doing great, sweetheart. Just keep breathing.” The scream that came after not at all promising.

“Sounds like you got your hands full, buddy. I’ll get there as soon as I can.” The words left my mouth before I’d had a chance to think about what I’d just said.

Oh. Fuck.

A conundrum of epic proportions.

Angie had left early last night. Stepping straight off stage and out the door had meant she and Jase had completely missed the fireworks that happened later. Like a bad episode of a daytime soap, my girl now had family ties to our bass player—all helped along by his fucking brother who happened to be her father. Yeah, it didn’t get any less crazy the more I said it.

And being that Angie or her big shot husband didn’t have that very important nugget of information, she had no idea what we were dealing with i.e. Armageddon.

One look at the girl at the center of this mess and I knew I couldn’t leave.

Even for Angie.

She would have to understand.

“On second thought Jase, I’m going to have to sit this one out.”

“What?” I heard Angie scream as Jase relayed the message. “You need to be here when this baby is born, Rusty. You promised me.”

“I know, and I’ll be there but I need to take care of something first. You’ve got this Ange. You got the best guy for the job sitting right beside you.”

I’d always be there for her. Always. But she had someone who was going to look out for her and Alison had no one. As hard as the choice was to make, I knew it was the right one.

“You can go.” Alison glanced up at me under her lashes as I ended the call. “You don’t have to stay here with me, I don’t need a babysitter.”

It was a half-hearted effort. One where she wasn’t convinced I’d chosen her for something other than obligation. My mental reasoning not having been vocalized.

“She’s fine without me. It’s been that way for a while now and it’s time I saw that. But more importantly, I want to be here with you. I need to be
here
with you.”

I had no doubt that if I walked out the door, she probably wouldn’t be here when I got back. The shit would have festered so much in her head that the only thing that would have made sense was to leave. Hell, even I considered grabbing our passports and going to chill in Cabo until things settled. But shit had changed and we were going to face it together. It was about time I grew up and took a stand for something. Alison was better than any other reason I’d had.

“But—”

“But nothing.” I lifted my fingers to her lips and silenced her, the panic playing peek-a-boo evident on her face. “I can see it in your eyes, babe. See those doubts, see you getting itchy feet like you want to run from this—and I get it. I have no idea what it feels like, but I understand it would be easier to leave the mess and go. But you are always going to come first for me.”

“You have no idea what you are committing to.” She shook her head, still not convinced I wasn’t going to bail. “I don’t have a normal life. Do you get that? I’m a disaster.”

“Fuck normal, Alison. You are my world. As much as I hate to admit it, Phil was on the money about one thing. You can do better than me.”

Those were words I didn’t want to say. Not to myself and definitely not her but it was true. Having a piece of shit I had no respect for—the asshole who was also claiming to be her father—point it out didn’t help but it didn’t make it any more of a lie.

“What?” She coughed in disbelief. “It’s me who doesn’t deserve you.”

“Let me finish. This isn’t the I’m-not-good-enough speech and you need to find someone else.” There would be a better chance of her and her parents sitting around a turkey at Thanksgiving dinner than me walking out the door. “I’m not a bad person and my life was pretty freaking sweet before you walked into it. The band was my life, the girls—well, they were just an added bonus. It’s no secret I’d had more than my share.”

“This isn’t making me feel better.” She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Me and other women probably wasn’t what she wanted to hear about, but it wasn’t something I could deny either. There weren’t many nights I wasn’t with someone. Sometimes more than just one.

“I’m getting to the good part. Stay with me.” I reached for her hand, needing her to be right there with me. “I’d assumed as long as I had my music and my friends, it was all I needed but I didn’t realize how empty all that shit was unless you had someone to share it with. Coming off that stage and knowing you were there, I felt indestructible. Like I was bulletproof, Alison. You think any of those other girls gave me that? I’d been living in a vacuum, completely oblivious and now my eyes are open. You’re not a disaster, you’re a hurricane—exciting, unpredictable and keeping on turning no matter what life has thrown at you. You’re still standing, and I’ve never been so happy to get caught up in the ride.”

I hadn’t meant to make her cry. Watching her eyes well up and making a tear trail down her cheek was like a punch in the face but I needed her to know I wasn’t playing. Whatever forces threw us together; there was a bigger picture and both of us were better for it.

“I have no idea who I am. Literally, I have no clue.” The second tear fell, my heart breaking in the process.

“You’re you and that’s all I want.” I cupped her face in my hands desperate for her to see how much she meant to me. “Do you get that? You, as you are is enough for me.”

“But it’s not enough for me.”

Those words sounded like a goodbye if ever I heard one. The pain just as raw as it had been last night.

“Then we’ll do whatever it takes to make it enough, but me walking away isn’t happening. I’m not losing you.”

“Maybe I’m already lost.”

I had been convinced
it was a bad dream. That I would wake up and last night would be just a figment of my overactive and dramatic imagination. But it wasn’t. It was real.

Both my parents had abandoned me. Sure, each of them in their own special way, but I hadn’t been a priority in either of their lives. My mother only called when she needed legal advice, the only reason she didn’t ask for money was because my grandparents were still subsidizing her. And my father decided he was going through some midlife crisis and . . . well I had no idea what he wanted with me. A connection? Just to know I existed? Someone to write as his emergency contact on his health insurance?
Neither
of them cared enough to ask what I’d needed and neither of them cared what their behavior had cost me.

But they hadn’t been my biggest nightmare.

What tormented me the most through the night was that I had been living my life reactively. Every action a reflex of someone else’s behavior and if I ever wanted the cycle to stop, I had to. Stop that is.

I had my work cut out for me.

Waking up in Rusty’s arms reinforced what I already knew. To be part of an
us
, I had to first be a
me
. And as much as it hurt to think about it, the only way that was going to happen was on my own.

It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or doubted he loved me. Every single fiber of my being knew that he was the only man I’d ever love. I knew that walking away might mean I’d lose him forever, that I would risk losing a real shot at happiness but it was what I had to do all the same.

As much as I loved Rusty, I didn’t love myself.

I could pretend I was a product of circumstance, like my insecurities were to blame but in the end if I was ever going to give myself completely to him I first needed to be whole.

It’s what we both deserved.

And in the end if all I had was me, then I’d find a way to be okay with that.

I
would
be okay.

“Rusty, I need to go.”

It wasn’t a surprise when I finally said it out loud, I think we both knew it was coming but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. I had never been happier than I had while I was with him. I’d learned a lot about myself and what I was capable of, but there was still more work to be done.

“Alison, don’t leave. I’ll give you all the space that you want. You have your own room and I will respect your boundaries. Whatever you want—I’ll do. But you can’t ask me to let you go. That’s not something I can do.”

I saw the pain in his eyes, how confused he was by me wanting to leave. I died a little knowing that I was responsible for it, that this man who had given me more love, support and kindness than any other person I’d known, was hurting because of me.

“I love you.” My heart ripped in two with those three words.

“I love you too. Don’t do this.” He wiped away the tears from my eyes that refused to stop falling.

“Please let me go, Rusty. I promise you, I’ll come back. If you still want me after all of this, I’ll come back.” The words barely audible as I sobbed in his arms. Every second it got harder and harder to leave.

“I’ll always want you.” He pressed his lips to mine, kissing me between each sentence. “There isn’t enough time or space that will change that. I’m always going to love you. Always.”

I was supposed to walk out the door. Untwine my body from his, get off the couch, say goodbye and leave. It’s what
needed
to happen but instead of my feet doing what they were supposed to, my hands and mouth took over.

I couldn’t stop.

My fingers explored every inch of him, frantic to remember every single muscle by touch. He was pure oxygen and the more I inhaled the more I desperately wanted. I needed his kiss more than I needed my next breath.

He didn’t stop either, his hands wrapping around me, bringing me closer as my body gave in. The T-shirt I’d been wearing somehow finding itself off me and onto the floor.

And because I didn’t think it was fair to be the only one shirtless, I pulled his off too. Its removal earned me a grunt of approval as Rusty turned his attention to my bra. It didn’t stand a chance.

Our fingers seemed to have minds of their own, clawing each other silently in a desperate need to get naked. Jeans—both his and mine—joined the pile discarded on the floor.

“Alison.” He moaned as he ripped my panties from my body, their existence obviously offending him. “I love you. I need you.” He breathed against my neck, my naked skin pressing against his as he pushed down his boxer shorts with a free hand. It felt like my skin was on fire.

It happened so quickly, my mind not registering what we were doing as his hard cock slid into me, my fingers digging into his shoulders as I gripped him. He filled me, the feeling overwhelming as he pushed deeper inside.

An involuntary gasp left my lips as he slowly dragged himself back out, my body mourning the loss. He didn’t let the feeling last long, pushing back into me in another single, hard stroke. The slight sting of pain got me even wetter as he continued the sweet delicious torture. The same action repeated again and again until I was sure I would lose my mind.

I couldn’t speak, my hips getting into the game as they met every single thrust of his with one of my own. My mind completely on autopilot as he bucked out of control above me, desperate for release.

“Rusty,” I screamed as my body continued to rock against his, faster and harder—the need burning me alive from the inside out.

“I’m here, baby. I’m always going to be here.” His lips covered me. My mouth, my neck—he left no part untouched as he grabbed my ass and held me still. “I’m here.” He pulled out before one final thrust sent me spiraling over the edge, my body shaking as the orgasm took me.

“Yes, baby. Yes.” He continued to pump, finding his own release; his hot load filling me as we both panted out of control. My body continued to shake as he teased the last wave of pleasure from it, his hands restless as they continued to move over my skin. It was almost too much, another orgasm taking me over the edge before he was finally done. My limbs like jelly as I collapsed on top of him.

Oh. Crap.

Having sex with Rusty had
not
been the plan. What should have happened was me walking out the door and saying goodbye, not ending up naked with Rusty’s semi hard cock inside of me. It was a fail of epic proportions.

“Don’t regret it,” he whispered, as if reading my mind. “Don’t ever regret a minute you spend with me.”

“I’m so confused.” My head nestled into the hollow of his neck, my brain trying to play catch up. “I was supposed to walk away.”

“I’m never going to regret this, or you for that matter.” He gently stroked my hair as I tried not to cry. “Even if you still leave me, I’ll cherish every single time. It will hurt like hell, but there isn’t a chance I would trade it. Any of it.” He said without even a hint of hesitation in his voice.

“How can you say that? How can you not hate me right now for all this shit I am putting you through?” I hated it, how could he lay there telling me he was going to treasure the memories? I was dragging him through hell and he was going to cherish it? That didn’t even make sense.

“Because you changed me, don’t you see that? You’ve made me a better me than I could have ever been by myself and I’m thankful for that.”

I’m not sure I would ever understand how any of the pain I was causing him could be a positive. Maybe it was something that was beyond my comprehension or maybe it just wasn’t for me to
get,
but I hoped he would hold onto it. Hold on for the both of us.

***

“You can stay here as long as you like. The sofa bed is comfier than it looks.” Renee pulled the bag from my hand as I walked through her doorway. “I’ll even cook.” She paused before adding, “Okay we both know that’s a lie but I do great takeout. You’re going to love it here.”

It hadn’t been easy walking out the door and leaving Rusty. I had almost changed my mind, plagued by the guilt of the breakup sex, but somewhere I found the courage to do what I knew had to be done.

He watched the entire time, not letting his eyes leave me for a second as I pulled my clothes from the closet and packed a bag. He didn’t beg me to stay but he wouldn’t leave either, staying silent as I left my keys on the coffee table, his eyes on me until I closed his front door.

I cried the minute I walked onto the street, not stopping until Renee came and got my pathetic butt from the front of my old apartment building. I had nowhere else to go.

“Thanks, I really appreciate this. I promise I’ll pay you back for everything.” I threw my arms around her, hoping the hug would help me not feel so empty. Sadly, it didn’t.

“Pleeeeease. Like I would take your money.” She screwed her face up in mock disgust. “Your money is no good here. What you are going to do instead is find your happiness. That’s all the payment I need.”

She—like Rusty—was entirely too kind but I was too sad to argue so instead I accepted her kindness and hoped like hell I would live up to my side of the deal. Happiness didn’t seem attainable. Not in the near future anyway.

While Renee didn’t agree with my decision to leave—I was spared the name-calling or eye rolling—she didn’t try and change my mind either. She just welcomed me into her home, which is probably where I should have gone the first time. Oh well, better late than never.

I meant what I said—I loved Rusty. I really did, but love didn’t conquer all. My life was complicated enough and dragging him down with the sinking ship wouldn’t be fair. If it were truly meant to be then he and I would eventually find our way back to each other. At least, that’s what I hoped; the reality was entirely too depressing.

Renee gave me a few concerned looks but wisely didn’t ask if I was okay—just like me feeling sorry for myself, it too had exceeded its limit. And with her usual brand of cheer and positivity, gave me a hug goodbye and headed out the door to work.

Work.

That was something else I needed to do.

It had been weeks since I had unceremoniously been let go, it was time I got busy either doing something that I loved or found something to do until I landed that dream job. Hell, at this point I’d do anything for the distraction, I wasn’t too proud to go stack shelves at a store if that was all that I could get.

Staking shelves though wasn’t in my future apparently with an early-morning phone call breaking through my mental life stock take.

“Hello,” I answered benignly. The number was not one I recognized so I assumed it was just some telemarketer looking to sell me shit I couldn’t afford and didn’t need.

“Hello, is this Alison Williams?” The calm voice on the other end of the phone responded. “This is Ashlyn Evans, the business manager for Metamorphous Records.”

Holy shit.

I had completely forgotten about my interview today. The one Rusty had helped me get when he floated my name past the powers that be at Power Station headquarters. My heart started beating wildly as I realized I had potentially blown the chance.

“Ashlyn, yes. It’s me. I am so sorry.” My mind scrambled for a plausible excuse. “I—I . . .” Nope, nothing. “I’m really sorry.” Was what I finally agreed on, knowing that no matter what I said I was going to sound incompetent. Who would hire me for a position when I couldn’t even remember to turn up for an interview? Bridges were burning, and I had no one else to blame but myself.

“Is everything okay?” she asked sympathetically. “Ordinarily I wouldn’t have followed up on a missed interview, it’s not like there aren’t plenty of people in the city looking for work, but when we spoke last week I thought we sort of clicked. Are you sick? We could reschedule.”

The chance to explain she was giving me was more than I deserved. Like she said, there were plenty of people who needed a job. I couldn’t lie to her even if I wanted to. My chance at joining the team was probably toast but at the very least I was going down with my personal integrity intact.

“No, I’m not sick.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “It’s been a crazy twenty-four hours. I met a man claiming to be my father for the first time and that didn’t go so well. Turns out he is also the brother of Max, the bass player for Black Addiction, small world huh? I also completely freaked out, broke up with my boyfriend and moved out. So . . . I guess you don’t really need to interview me anymore. I mean, I know you were doing it as a favor to Rusty and seeing as we aren’t together anymore . . .”