Simply Complicated (36 page)

She put on her makeup and combed her hair. She then sat down to write a note to Ted and the children.

Dear Ted,

I love you so much and I am sorry for disappointing you. I said some pretty mean things to you earlier and I want you to know that I did not mean them. It’s not your fault that I have decided to end my
life. Please tell the children that I love them very much and it’s not their fault that I took the pills either.

Life has been pretty hard for me in the past several years. When I had breast cancer I was devastated. I thought after the chemotherapy and radiation that I would go back to being my old self. I thought I would be able to enjoy life again and love being a woman.

When the doctors assured me that they were able to get all of the cancerous cells and I was cancer free I remember being so happy and grateful. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to desire making love to you again.

I honestly tried to get myself together but it has been very difficult. When I lost my hair and my nails started turning dark from the treatments I started feeling less than a woman.

That night we made love, I believe three weeks ago, it was so wonderful. I really felt beautiful and desirable again. Thank you so much for making me feel special. I love you. You and the children are my world.

When you asked me what was wrong I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I went to the doctor about two months ago and they told me that my cancer has come back. They want me to undergo the chemotherapy again and have a mastectomy.

They told me that they are confident they can get all of it again but I’m not sure if I can handle the treatments or the loss of my breasts. I cannot go through the pain and agony again; it was too unbearable. I knew if I told you about the cancer resurfacing that you would try and convince me to go through with the treatments and the surgery.

I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands by choosing when I die. By the time you find this letter I would have already transitioned on. I know you will take good care of the children.

I love all of you and I hope one day you will find it in your hearts to forgive me and understand why I had to do this.

Love always and forever,
Lynn

After writing her letter she went into the kids’ rooms and while they were asleep, kissed each of them goodbye. She returned to her bedroom, lay across the bed, and closed her eyes, waiting to die.

Meanwhile, as he continued on to the hotel, Ted started thinking about what Lynn said and her bizarre behavior. The more he thought about it, the more he began getting a nervous feeling in his stomach.

He decided to turn the car around and head to their house. He managed to make it home within fifteen minutes. When he went upstairs to their bedroom he saw her on the bed all dressed up. He knew something wasn’t right. He ran to her and tried to wake her up.

“Lynn, wake up. Come on baby, get up,” he said lightly tapping her face.

When she wouldn’t wake up he immediately started performing CPR. He managed to call 911 as he continued compressing her chest.

“911—what’s your emergency?” asked the operator.

“My wife. She’s not breathing. I think she may have taken something. I need you to send an ambulance to 12390 Jacob Lane right away,” said Ted, panicking. “Come on baby, come back to me. Please come back to me,” cried Ted, dropping the telephone.

By this time Ted Jr. came into the room; the noise had awoken him.

“Oh my God, Dad! What’s wrong with Mom? Mom—wake up, wake up,” he shouted, trying to get to his mother.

His yells woke the other children, who immediately ran into the room. When they saw their mother laying there not moving they started screaming and crying.

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” screamed Rebecca.

“Why isn’t she moving, Dad? Help her,” cried Jonathan.

At that point the ambulance came. Ted instructed Ted Jr. to get the door to let the paramedics in. They immediately started CPR and checked for a heartbeat. They put the oxygen mask on her. After a few minutes they were able to get a steady pulse.

The paramedics rushed Lynn into the ambulance. As Ted and the children were leaving the room to follow them to the hospital, he glanced into the bathroom and saw the empty pill bottle lying on the counter. He grabbed it and ran downstairs.

He and the kids frantically headed to the hospital. The children were in the car crying and holding each other. None of them knew what to expect once they arrived.

When they arrived at the hospital, Ted instructed the children to sit in the waiting room while he spoke with a nurse. He didn’t want them to know that she tried to kill herself.

“Hi, my wife was just brought here in an ambulance. Her name is Lynn Finch. I need to know what’s happening with her,” said Ted anxiously.

“Give me a few minutes to look her up. Yes, she is being worked on right now. The doctor will be out to see you once they are finished. I cannot give you any other information,” said the nurse.

“I found this empty bottle of pills on the counter. I believe she may have taken them,” he said quietly so the children wouldn’t hear him. He gave her the bottle.

“I’ll be sure and let the doctor know,” said the nurse.

Hours passed before the doctor came out to talk with Ted.

“Mr. Finch, I’m Dr. Bradley. Your wife is currently in stable condition. We were able to pump her stomach. It was touch and go for a minute. We ran into some problems trying to maintain her heart rate but we were able to get her stabilized. You can see her in a few minutes,” said Dr. Bradley.

“Thanks, Doctor,” Ted shook his hand, relief evident in his tone.

“Dad—what did the doctor say? Is Mom going to be okay?” asked Ted Jr. nervously.

“Come over here, you guys. The doctor said that Mom is in stable condition, meaning she’s doing okay. I’ll go and see her first and then I’ll come and get you. Okay? Have a seat and I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Ted tried to mask his anxiety.

Ted went over to the nurse’s station to speak with the nurse.

“Hello, I need to see Mrs. Lynn Finch. I was told it was okay to see her now.”

“Let me see. Yes, she is in her room. It’s right across the hall,” said the nurse.

Ted was nervous about seeing her. He didn’t know what to say. She had never tried killing herself before. When he walked into the room she was asleep. He kneeled alongside the bed, grabbed her hand, and started to cry.

“I am so sorry, baby. This is entirely my fault. I am so sorry. I promise from this point on I’ll be here for you. I love you so much. I need you, baby. I really do,” he sobbed into her chest, waking her up.

“Ted dear, don’t cry. It’s not your fault. Please stop crying,” said Lynn faintly.

“You’re awake! You don’t have to talk, baby, just get well. We can talk later. I’m just glad you are still here with us. The kids want to see you. They’re outside the door. I didn’t tell them about the pills. They don’t have to know,” he whispered, kissing her on the forehead.

She tried not to cry, “Thank you for not telling them.”

“Are you ready for me to get them?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said.

Ted left to get the children, who were anxiously waiting for his return. Upon entering the room they ran to Lynn and started hugging her tightly.

“Mom, we’re so happy you’re okay. We were so worried,” said Rebecca while crying.

“What happened?” asked Jonathan, trying to hold back his tears.

“We’ll worry about that later, Jonathan. Right now we’re just happy that Mom is okay,” said Ted.

Ted Jr. just stood there looking at his mother. He didn’t say anything. He knew something was not right. He had noticed his mother’s behavior changing in the last several months. He knew she was depressed again. He didn’t want to say anything to his younger siblings.

Since he was the second person to enter his parents’ bedroom when his father first discovered her, he suspected that she had done something to hurt herself. He just wasn’t sure what. He knew it was strange that she would be dressed up as if she were going out instead of going to bed.

“Ted, are you going to give your mother a hug?” said his father.

“Hi Mom, I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, gently hugging and kissing her.

Ted and the children stayed with Lynn until she was taken upstairs and given a more private room. It was nearly 2 a.m. when they finally returned home. He had already decided to let the children stay home from school.

When Ted and the children left, Lynn lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
I feel so foolish. What am I going to do? I’m so confused. I need someone to talk to. I wish I could call Don but it’s so late,
she thought.

Ted was up at 7:00 a.m. He called one of his partners and told him that he would not be able to make it in to work. He briefly told him that Lynn was in the hospital.

Around 8:00 a.m. Dr. Philips returned his call. Ted explained what had happened and his concerns for his wife. Dr. Philips instructed him to bring her to his office the moment she was released from the hospital.

He decided to get ready to drive to the hospital. On his way to the shower he found the letter that Lynn had written.

He sat down to read her note. While reading, his throat swelled with sadness. He had no idea that her cancer had come back. He sat on the edge of the bed and started crying. He knew that if she did not go through with the treatment, she would die. He was not ready for that.

He started to feel alone and overcome with emotion. He didn’t want the children to know until he had a chance to talk with Lynn. He needed someone to talk to. He tried calling his friend Paul but it went right to his voicemail. He then thought of Kristie.

They never really talked about their spouses’ personal lives. He hoped she would prove to be a good friend and be there for him. He hesitated for a moment, and then decided to call her.

“Hey Kristie, do you have a minute? I really need to talk to you; I feel as if I’m losing it,” said Ted, trying to maintain his composure.

“This is my prep period. I don’t have any students right now. What’s wrong?” asked Kristie anxiously.

“Last night Lynn took an overdose of sleeping pills. We almost lost her. I didn’t know why at first, but I just found her suicide letter and she says that her breast cancer has come back and she doesn’t want to go through the chemotherapy again. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared,” he said, fighting back his tears.

“Oh no, Ted; I’m so sorry to hear that. How are the children handling everything?” she asked sincerely.

“They don’t know about the cancer coming back but they know she had to go to the hospital. I didn’t tell them that she tried to kill herself. They were terrified last night but I think after seeing her they feel a little better. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her. I know we have to talk about the cancer,” he said.

“I guess if I were you, I would try to support her the best way I could. I think that when the two of you talk about her treatment options, you should try to keep an open mind to how she feels and the pain she may have to go through.

“It sounds to me that she may be depressed, which is probably why she tried to kill herself. You may want to get a psychiatrist involved to help with the depression,” Kristie offered.

“I spoke with her old psychiatrist this morning. He wants to see her once she is discharged. She has been dealing with depression for quite some time now but she refuses to see him,” he replied, shaking his head slowly.

“Is there anything I can do? I know you’re having difficulty dealing with everything by yourself. Thanks for trusting me enough to talk with me about it. If there is anything I can do please let me know,” Kristie empathized.

She wanted to tell him that she was pregnant and he more than likely was the father, but she decided this was not a good time.

“Listening to me and showing concern for my family is appreciated. You’re a true friend and I love you for that. Now I need to get to the hospital. I’ll talk to you later. Thanks again for listening,” he said.

After showering, Ted left a note for the children on the kitchen counter telling them that he was going to the hospital and would call them later.

On his way to the hospital he considered how to discuss the note with Lynn. He decided that he would come right out and ask her about it. He knew they didn’t have much time, especially since she indicated in her letter that she found out about the cancer two months before.

When he arrived to the hospital and entered her room, she was asleep. He did not want to awaken her so sat in the chair next to her bed and stared out of the window.

After about thirty minutes she rolled over and saw him. “Hey—how long have you been here?” she asked softly.

“Not long. How are you feeling? Are they taking good care of you?” he responded with concern.

“I’m feeling okay. Yes, they’re taking good care of me. All I seem to do is sleep. I guess I’m finally getting the rest I often complained about missing,” she joked feebly.

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me that the cancer had come back? I found the note this morning. You didn’t have to go through all of that worrying by yourself. You know I love you and am here for you,” he said as he held her hand.

“I wanted to tell you but I had to make up in my mind if I wanted to go through the treatments again. I don’t want to die of cancer but I don’t think I can bear going through that ordeal again. The doctors say that if I start right away there’s a good chance I’ll survive it.

“This time they may have to remove my breasts. If they do that, then my chance of survival increases. I’m afraid that you won’t look at me the same after I have them removed. That’s like taking away a part of me that makes me feel like a woman,” she cried, turning away from Ted.

“Baby, I don’t care about that. That’s not what makes you beautiful to me. Your warm spirit is why I love you. You will be beautiful to me regardless. I’m not ready for you to die and neither are the children.