Silent Night: Vampire Holiday Romance (The Night Songs Collection Book 4) (24 page)

That was one thing I could thank my mom for my whole life; having to read between the lines to figure out what no one wanted to tell me.

It helped that Stephanie and I hit it off. Even though I definitely knew she was my boss, she never made me feel like I was less than her, or still just learning. It was totally the opposite of working at the mall, when I could never do anything right. She made me feel like I was right where I belonged. And my mom being here, it was like a sign from God this is what I was supposed to be doing. Who could take better care of her than me? Even if I couldn’t do anything to blow my cover, I felt like just my being here helped her.

Had she been brought to any other hospital, I’d have no idea she was in such bad shape. I wondered if anyone would even bother to tell me, if they could get in touch with me. My confidence in my decision to cut ties with my family always wavered, but in a way, maybe I was better off not knowing they were trying to get in touch with me. Or not.

Arthur became well enough to be moved to another unit. It was strange to walk past the empty room, and see the bed crisply made, waiting for the next disaster. But on the other hand, I was thankful no one needed it.

One less person to take care of freed up a lot of time. The night seemed too long. A few of the nurses sat in a semi-circle around Mikhail the intern, laughing at everything he said, funny or not. Mikhail perched on the desk, eating up all the attention.

I sunk into one of the patient chairs with a beat up copy of an Allison Duprois book.

Stephanie pushed back the cover of the book to see what I was reading. “Ooh, I love those!” I relaxed, it still didn’t feel right to read at work. “I think I’ve read every single one of them.”

I almost gushed about Aidan, but then I remembered the pen name, and I would sound crazy if I referred to my boyfriend as a woman well into middle age. I’d mentioned he was a writer before, but even I had a problem with the timeline of the books in relation to what I saw. I didn’t think I could make a convincing argument. It never worked in my favor to let on the person who was my support system could be a little bit less than sane.

“I feel like I’ve lived these books.” Well, according to Aidan, I sort of had.

Stephanie raised her eyebrow but didn’t say anything. After all, the books were all set before we were born, and mostly in Canada. I’d finally picked
A Piece of My Heart
back up to finish.

The story had shifted to London. The head vampire, Talis, was pissed at David for shunning her once he realized she could never replace Marielle for him. Even though he created another vampire for her, Cash, Talis tortured the newborn for not being David. Truly an evil genius, she’d come up with new and inventive ways to make Cash suffer for his affections toward her. This time, she’d convinced English authorities that Cash was insane and had him admitted to Bethlem Hospital. At this point of the book, she’d gone to visit him, taunting him and running her fingers along his open, festering wounds through the bars of the cell he was held captive in, then licking her fingers clean.

I no longer identified with Talis, that’s for damn sure. Aidan hadn’t turned out to be exactly what I expected, either. But by not believing him, was I torturing him? Even though we lived together in harmony, my refusal to believe was an elephant in the room. If he would just frigging make my mom better, that’s all it would take. Since he refused, I worried I would resent him if she didn’t make it. Did we have a future? That was something that every couple asked themselves, even under normal circumstances, but would I be able to move forward with Aidan? Aidan thought he had a never ending future, but how much of that included me?

Maybe I wasn’t so different than Talis, after all. My body shivered violently and I put the book down. Time to get back to work.

All I had to do on this round was check to make sure all the rooms were clean and stocked. The patients were all taken care of, resting as comfortably as they could. I had a cart that I pushed between the rooms, filled with basic supplies that always needed to be replaced. I started at the far end of the unit from my mom’s room on purpose, so I could linger a little longer with her.

Since she couldn’t talk, I imagined the conversations we might have during our visits. In my fantasies, she was so proud to see me here. She apologized for how she’d been, and she promised to make it better for now on.

And I accused Aidan of being delusional.

Tonight I thought her color looked better, not so yellow. The bruises were starting to heal, and some of the swelling had retreated. Her supply closet was stocked to bursting, and before I emptied the trash and headed back to meet up with Stephanie, I lingered just a little longer, hoping for some signs of life.

Were her eyelids moving? I leaned in a little closer to see if my eyes were playing tricks on me.

“Kyndra?” My mom’s eyes were still swollen, so they could barely open more than a slit. “Is that you?”

Thirty-One

All I wanted to do was hug her, press her against me, but I was afraid to touch her. For so many reasons. “It is, Mama.” I choked out the words.

“I’m pretty fucked up.” Near death experiences were no match for Joanna Bartley. “Where are we?”

“At Cambridge Memorial Hospital.”

“You’re dressed like you work here.” Her eyes closed, she must have been exhausted by this little bit of conversation.

“I do.” I finally got to tell her. Not exactly as I imagined, but I was still proud.

Her chapped lips parted; she was missing a couple teeth. I wondered if that was a result of the accident or just a result of years of treating her body like a burned out dumpster. No sound came out, but I could have sworn she was laughing. The movement dissolved into a dry cough, blowing any good feelings I’d had about my news out of the room. “How the hell did you manage that?”

“I went to school.” In less than a minute, I went from thankful to defensive teenager.

“Your grandmother didn’t tell me about this.” Her eyes struggled to reopen.

“Memere’s dead, Mama. She’s been gone for almost a year. She couldn’t know.” As painful as her words were, I knew after what her body and brain had gone through, this was expected.

“She knew about that guy you’re shacking up with.” Her eyes darted to me, with a sly smile.

“Matt? No.” Matt was the only boyfriend I’d ever had when Memere was alive, and I certainly didn’t live with him.

“Not that kid. Some older guy. Sounds like I should date him instead.”

What the fuck. I stepped back, not knowing what to say.

“You should go back to sleep.” My head spun. I needed to get out of the room. “You can’t tell anyone you’re my mother, okay?”

“Are you ashamed of your mother?” She tried to pick her head up, struggling, but she failed. “You little bitch.”

“No!” I whispered, moving back toward her. “They’ll move me to another unit if they know. I want to take care of you.”

“I’ve been doing just fine on my own, Kyndra.” Her voice was almost nothing. “I don’t need you.”

I left the room without another word.

“Can I take a break?” I asked Stephanie. “Everyone’s stocked.”

She gasped when she saw my face. Such raw emotion couldn’t be masked, not even by the best actress in the world. That certainly wasn’t me.

“Okay.” She didn’t ask any questions, and finally I had something I could be thankful for.

I didn’t even bother putting on my jacket before leaving the building. The spring nights were still cool, but I wanted to feel something, everything. I didn’t want to cushion myself from the blow of what had just happened in that room.

I wished my mother never woke up, never got brought to my unit in my hospital. When she wasn’t part of my life, I could pretend she was a normal mother, who was proud of me. Who loved me. Who didn’t punish me for existing.

The sky had started to brighten. Another thing I could be thankful about, was this nightmare of a shift was coming to a close. When I went back, we’d have paperwork I could get lost in. I wouldn’t have to look at anyone and I wouldn’t have to say anything.

Stephanie had already started working on things when I came back in. I don’t even know why they called it paperwork, all of our notes went on the computer.

“Anything you want to add to the notes, Kyndra?” Stephanie asked. Every awful thing my mom said in that room bounced around the inside of my skull. I wished I could blame the accident, or the medicine for her nastiness, but that was how our conversations always went.

She said Memere told her about Aidan. She hadn’t named him, but she’d nailed it enough to scare the hell out of me.

I had a million things I wanted to add to those notes, I opened my mouth a few times and closed it, unsure of what to say. “Nope.”

If my mother thought she could take care of herself, well, let her. Maybe she’d be just as nasty to the day shift. If she mentioned me, I’d deny it. I was pretty sure they’d take my word over hers.

I had to start taking care of myself, too.

“All right then.” Stephanie hit save and turned away from the computer, toward me. “How’s everything going?”

I sat up straighter, my heart pounding all over again. “Fine.”

“You just really seem to be struggling in this department. I don’t know if these patients are too much for you, or if you’re having a hard time getting used to the hours. That does happen. We’re not meant to be nocturnal. But sometimes you just seem like you’re a million miles away.”

“I’m sorry.” Fuck. Why did I have to have The Conversation at every job I ever had? It didn’t matter how hard I tried to fix myself, I was a first class fuck up. It was just a matter of time before the hospital decided I couldn’t handle this job at all, and I had to start from scratch all over again. I couldn’t let that happen. Enough things had happened to me, and I had to start fighting back. “What can I do to make it better?”

Stephanie’s face lit up. “That’s the right attitude. I’ve been dancing around this for a couple of days, I wasn’t sure how you’d take it. This isn’t an easy job, and I know this is your first real job. Honestly, I think you’re doing great, but I can tell you’re stressed out.”

I think you’re doing great
. Just the words I needed to hear. I wished they came from my mother instead of Stephanie, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. “It’s harder than I expected.”

“We’ll see if we can get you into something cheerier, like maternity.”

No. I still couldn’t leave my mother. “Can I finish the rotation?” I asked quickly. “I don’t want to ask for special treatment. And I need to tough it out, even if something isn’t for me.”

“You have a great work ethic. I wish I was as focused as you when I was your age. Sometimes I wish I was that focused now.” Stephanie smiled. “You are wise beyond your years, girl.”

“I hear that a lot.” I smiled back. “I don’t want to take the easy way out.”

Stephanie squeezed my hand in approval.

“And someday, I keep telling myself, there will be a reward for that.” I don’t know if I wanted to tell Stephanie that, or myself.

Thirty-Two

“How would my mom know about you?” I told Aidan about my mom the minute we woke up. “I’d get it if she’d thought she’d talked to her mother, she’s been comatose for days. But there’s no way she could know that.”

“Lucky guess?” Aidan asked, still holding me close to his chest.

“Nothing my mom’s done has ever been lucky.” I tore myself away from him, sitting and hugging my knees. “She got it pretty right. And I think she wants to date you.”

Aidan rolled over on his back, his face swirling with emotion. “I can assure you, that’s not going to happen.” He shook his head. I’d already told him the reunion had gone less than ideally. “And this is the woman you want to live forever?”

“She must not realize how close she was to dying. I just thought it would be different. That she’d be grateful.”

Aidan sat up and took my hands into his, turning one over and tracing the lines in my palm. “I know she’s your mother, and this is going to be hard to hear. But some people aren’t worth the pain they cause you. She’s one of them. You love her so much, and she swats at you like a mosquito every time.”

“Why?” I asked him.

He shook his head, looking at my hands instead of my face. “I don’t even want to understand it. I had no choice but to watch my son’s life from the shadows, but I did everything I could to make things better for him, even if he’d never know I was responsible. I would have given anything for more.”

“What did you do for him, Aidan?” I moved off the bed. “You abandoned him, too. Getting little gifts aren’t the same as having your parents there for you. It might have made
you
feel better, but if Aidan Junior knew his dad was around and wasn’t a part of his life, he would have hated you, too.”

Aidan was somehow in front of me, holding on to my wrists so tightly I didn’t dare squirm. The slightest movement might snap a bone. His eyes had that red tinge to them, the one I’d only seen before he did something awful. I forced myself to look into them.