Shelter in a Soldier's Arms (21 page)

He touched her cheeks, her nose, then her lower lip. “I aim to please.”

“You reduce me to a puddle. That’s more than pleasing.” Her hazel eyes darkened. “No more hiding away, okay?”

He couldn’t deny her anything. Even when it made sense to do so. “I promise.”

*

Jeff typed in his notes on the report the team had prepared. They were getting close to finishing up the security plan for Kirkman and his associates. The meeting was in several days.

His phone rang and he took the call, but when he was finished, he found it difficult to return to his report. He wasn’t concentrating very well these days. Ashley was always on his mind.

It had been nearly a week since she’d accused him of hiding out. A week during which their relationship continued to complicate his life. He knew that he should give her up but he couldn’t seem to find the words to tell her goodbye. While being disconnected was the safest course of action, he found himself resisting returning to his solitary world. He enjoyed the warmth and the laughter Ashley and Maggie brought to his life. He enjoyed the passion Ashley brought to his bed. He liked knowing she was home, waiting for him, thinking about him. He trusted her.

While he’d trusted men with his life on a mission, he’d never trusted a woman before. Not with his heart and soul. He could almost imagine himself doing that with Ashley.

There were times when he wondered what was going to happen. How would he survive her walking away? He thought that—

The door to his office flew open and Ashley raced into the room. While he took in the fury in her eyes, a part of his brain acknowledged that she burst into his life on a regular basis. She was fearless, which he admired. Hers was real courage—she was brave even when she had something to lose.

She slammed the door behind her. “What the hell were you thinking?”

Her rage was a tangible life force in the room with him. Jeff turned away from his computer so that he could face her. Even as he wondered what she was talking about, he realized she’d never visited him at work before.

“Ashley, what seems to be the problem?”

Her eyes flashed with fire. “Don’t give me that. Don’t pretend you don’t know. What was it, Jeff? A game? Did you think it was funny? How dare you play with my life! Were you even thinking? Didn’t you care that I had goals and a plan? Damn you.”

He didn’t know what was wrong. He rose and walked around the desk so that he was standing in front of her. Had she finally figured out that his dreams weren’t strange images from his subconscious, but were, in fact, the truth? Had she realized he wasn’t like other men?

Tears filled her eyes. She angrily brushed them away. “Say something.”

“I still don’t know what’s wrong.”

Her mouth thinned. “How like a man. What am I supposed to tell Maggie? Did you even give her one thought in all of this?”

At the mention of her daughter’s name, his heart froze. “Is something wrong with Maggie? Is she hurt?”

“She’s fine. This has nothing to do with Maggie.” She shoved him away from her. “You and your big sob story. To think I bought into it. I’m such an idiot. You lied to me. How could you?”

“Ashley?”

She glared at him. “I’m pregnant.”

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Ashley continued to talk but Jeff wasn’t listening. He couldn’t believe what she’d said.

Pregnant?

He tried to figure out what, if anything, he was feeling, but he couldn’t tell. It was as if his entire brain had shut down. Pregnant. He turned the word over and over in his mind wondering how it could be possible.

“And don’t for a moment think that you’re going to say something stupid like ‘Who’s the father’?” she said, still glaring at him. “You know exactly where I’ve been spending my nights. This baby is yours—”

A baby. That was more real than hearing her say she was pregnant. Had they really produced a child together? A living being growing inside of her that would become an infant and grow into a child.

He hadn’t thought he was human enough to father a child. He remembered what the doctor had talked about when there had been problems with Nicole. That he, Jeff, had a low sperm count. Something about less than optimal numbers. That it was unlikely he could father a child in the traditional manner, although there had been other alternatives if they’d been interested. By then, Nicole wasn’t interested. She’d said that the reason he couldn’t father a child wasn’t about his sperm count but the fact that he was no longer human.

She’d been wrong.

Jeff had never thought to question the doctor further. Until Ashley had entered his life, he’d used condoms for health reasons. Although with her that had never seemed necessary. He knew he was healthy, so he hadn’t worried about passing anything on to her. But he’d never considered that he might be able to get her pregnant.

“Are you even listening to me?” she demanded.

Something bright and alive flashed inside of him. It was hot and pure and it took him several seconds to recognize the feeling.

Joy. Pure, wonderful joy.

He grabbed her at the waist and swung her around the room. She shrieked and hung on to his shoulders. “Jeff! Put me down. I’m not happy about this.”

He knew, but he couldn’t help smiling at her. “We’re having a baby.”

“I believe I was the one who informed you of that. Stop grinning like a sheep. This isn’t good news.”

He tried to sober. “I know. I’m sorry. I wasn’t playing with you, Ashley. I didn’t know I could get you pregnant. Based on what the doctor had told me before, I never thought it would be an issue. I really do have a low sperm count. If you would like the name and phone number of the doctor, I’ll give it to you. I wasn’t being irresponsible on purpose.”

She pulled away from him and moved over to the leather sofa by the back wall. Once there, she sank onto a cushion and dropped her head into her hands.

“I know,” she said softly. “I never thought you planned this. I mean I know I sort of implied it by what I said, but that was more shock and temper than anything else.” She raised her head and looked at him. “You might not have many sperm but the ones you have seem frisky enough.”

She drew in a shaky breath, then swore and started to cry. “I can’t believe this is happening to me. I thought I finally had my life all together. I had so many plans for Maggie and myself and now I’m going to have a b—baby.”

The last word broke on a sob. Jeff knelt beside her. As he had before when she’d cried, he touched her tears, marveling in her ability to feel so much. To let herself live in the world rather than outside of it.

“I know you’re confused and upset,” he said soothingly. He was neither. The path was obvious to him. He’d created this problem in her life and he was going to fix it. “You don’t have to be. Your plans will be different now, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ll be providing for you, Maggie and the baby. You can finish your degree or not. It’s your choice.”

She blinked and several more tears ran down her cheeks. “That’s crazy, Jeff. We’re not your responsibility. Well, maybe the baby is, but not the rest of it.”

“I want the responsibility. I want to take care of you. I want you to marry me.”

Married? Married! Ashley stared at Jeff, unable to form any more words in her brain. Married?

“You want to marry me?” she asked, not able to believe what he’d said.

“Yes. As soon as possible.”

She shook her head. When she’d first suspected the truth, she’d dismissed the possibility of being pregnant. Never one for a regular period, the length of time since her last one hadn’t been much of a concern. But as the days had turned into weeks, she’d begun to wonder. Then yesterday when she’d stopped at the drugstore to buy vitamins for Maggie, she’d found herself in the family-planning aisle, studying the different pregnancy kits. Even as she’d told herself it wasn’t possible, she’d bought one. Two hours ago, she’d had her hunch confirmed.

She’d been so angry, first at Jeff for what she’d thought were his lies, but mostly at herself. She knew better. She was smart and responsible. So why had she gotten so careless with something as important as birth control? She’d always wanted more kids, but not like this.

“You don’t have to do this,” she told him. “While I’d appreciate some help until I get my degree, marriage isn’t necessary.”

She wished he wouldn’t talk about it anymore. She didn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t care about her. She didn’t want to be an obligation.

He cupped her face in his large, strong hand. Despite not knowing how she was going to put her life back together, she couldn’t help rubbing her cheek against his palm. If she had to have an unexpected pregnancy, she would prefer Jeff to be the father. At least she knew she was getting a very strong, intelligent gene pool.

“I want to marry you,” he said, gazing into her eyes. “Not because it’s the right thing to do, but because I don’t want to let you go. I’m not willing to lose you, Maggie or the baby.”

Happiness crashed over her like a wave. She flung her arms around him and pulled him close.

“You care!” she said, starting to cry all over again, but this time they were tears of happiness. “Oh, Jeff, I’d hoped you did, but I wasn’t sure. You never said anything. You could be distant. I was afraid you were just in it for the sex.”

She sniffed and straightened, then kissed him on the mouth, on his nose, on his cheeks, before hugging him again.

“I love you,” she whispered fiercely. “I have for a long time. At least it’s been coming on for a while. I knew for sure that weekend we went away. My very own warrior.”

“Ashley.” He was the one to pull back this time. He wiped away her tears. “You don’t have to say this. I want to marry you.”

“No. It’s not because of the baby.” She grasped his hands in hers. “Please don’t think it’s because of that or gratitude. I really mean it. I love you so much. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t believe I got so lucky to find someone like you. Someone so good and strong. You’re different from any man I’ve ever known.”

She sniffed, then smiled. “I know the whole emotional thing is really hard for you, so I’m doubly honored that you would trust me with your heart. I swear, I’ll never give you a reason to regret this. I’ll love you forever.”

He leaned forward and kissed her. “You make me very happy,” he told her.

“And I’m even a pretty decent evasive driver,” she teased, then kissed him back.

All her dreams were finally coming true, she thought as he pulled her close and hugged her. Jeff loved her more than anyone in the world. In his arms she could feel safe, loved and at home.

*

“Mommy, you have a secret,” Maggie complained that night at dinner. “I can tell.”

Jeff wasn’t surprised the little girl had figured out something was different with her mother. Ashley practically glowed. Her smile was radiant, her step extra-bouncy, her conversation excited.

“A secret?” Ashley said, her voice teasing. “You think so?” She turned to smile at him, a smile full of adoration. “What do you think, Jeff? Is there a secret?”

He knew she was playing a game and wanted him to be a part of it. But he couldn’t be as lighthearted about the situation. He was confused and felt guilty. Which didn’t make sense because he’d been telling the truth when he’d said he would marry her. He wanted to marry her. However, she thought he loved her.

Love. Jeff didn’t know what the word meant. Not anymore. Perhaps there had been a time when he’d been a part of a family, just like everyone else. Those long-ago memories didn’t have any place in his current reality. So when she said she loved him, he wasn’t sure if he understood what that meant.

He believed in Ashley’s capacity to love. He’d seen it firsthand with Maggie. Ashley was patient and caring. She’d seen him at his worst and she was still here. Wanting to be with him. Claiming to love him.

“Mommy, tell me!” Maggie pursed her lips together in a scowl. “I want to know!”

Ashley pulled her daughter onto her lap and hugged her. “Okay. It’s a really good secret. I think you’re going to be very happy.”

Maggie’s blue eyes widened. “Are we getting a kitten?”

“No. It’s better than that.”

Now that Ashley had Maggie’s attention, she hesitated. Jeff knew her well enough to know that she was searching for the right words. She wanted to explain the situation simply and in a way that left the four-year-old feeling safe.

He was glad he wasn’t the one who had to figure the best way to say it. Words had never been his strong suit. Actions had always been easier.

As Ashley started talking about how nice it had been to live in “Uncle Jeff’s” house, he studied them. The overhead kitchen light illuminated their faces, making the similarities between them easy to spot. How much would their child look like Ashley? Or would the child look like him?

The questions startled him, reminding him again of the fact that he and Ashley were going to have a baby together. He dropped his gaze to her flat stomach. A baby grew in there. He was still stunned that he’d been able to get her pregnant. Now that she and Maggie were going to be a permanent part of his world, he was determined to take care of them.

“Well,” Ashley was saying, “what if we never had to leave Uncle Jeff’s house? What if we lived here for always?”

Maggie looked at him, her rosebud mouth parting. “We can stay? Promise?”

His throat tightened. The sensation was unfamiliar. “I’d like that.”

Ashley tucked a curl behind her daughter’s ear. “Maggie, I love you very much. I will always love you.”

“I know, Mommy. I love you, too.”

“I also love Jeff. And he loves us. I’m going to marry him.”

Jeff waited, his throat tight, his heart seemingly still. He and Ashley had discussed waiting to tell Maggie about the baby. She would need time to get used to her new family before having to adjust to having a younger sibling.

Maggie looked at him. “Will you be my daddy when you and Mommy get married?”

Odd feelings crashed through him. He couldn’t identify any of them so he didn’t know what they meant. However, they made it tough to talk. He had to swallow a couple of times before he could get out the words.