Shelter in a Soldier's Arms (15 page)

*

Ashley slept like one of the innocent, Jeff thought later when they were both in his large bed. Her even breathing spoke of her rest. He couldn’t find the same solace; he didn’t dare.

When was the last time he’d made love? Not had sex, but actually made love with a woman? He couldn’t recall. Not since Nicole. And with her it had been before things had started to go so desperately wrong. Sex was a bodily function. He understood and respected his body’s need for release. But this was different.

He closed his eyes but didn’t allow himself to sleep because the dream lurked in the world of the unconscious and he didn’t want to have it twice in one night. Not with Ashley sleeping so peacefully beside him. She might think that she understood him, but she had no idea of his real self.

So instead of sleeping he held her close, ignoring the very male part of him that wanted her again. He told himself that the wanting was allowed for this night but no longer, because wanting was dangerous. Wanting made a man weak and careless. Either could get him killed.

In the morning he would walk away without looking back. He would never allow himself to do this again or even to think of it. That would be best for both of them. But until morning there was the night. He closed his eyes and breathed in the sweet scent of her skin.

*

The next morning Ashley was fighting both a mild case of rug burn and a major case of the guilts. She tried to act as normal as possible as she fixed her daughter’s lunch, even though Jeff was also sitting at the table, looking as if nothing had happened the previous night. Fortunately Maggie didn’t sense the tension between the adults and chattered away as if this was an ordinary morning.

Ashley had awakened to the sound of Jeff in the shower and had used the moment of privacy to escape to her own room. When they’d met up in the kitchen, she’d managed to greet him and pour him coffee without melting into a puddle of desire, or worse, clueing in her daughter that something was different.

As she spread peanut butter on bread, Ashley tried to reconcile the well-dressed conservative man sitting at the table with the one who had licked her entire body the night before. Or the one who had awakened her just before dawn so they could make love yet again. She couldn’t wait for round two.

Just hold on one minute, she told herself as she reached for the jar of jelly. There wasn’t going to be a round two. Last night had been amazing. It had been special and perfect and it had to be a one-time event. Jeff wasn’t the kind of man a woman like her settled down with, and she didn’t want a casual, sexual relationship. For her, the act of physical intimacy had always been closely tied to love. She didn’t love Jeff, she didn’t want to love Jeff. To make sure that didn’t change, she was going to have to stay out of his bed. She would tell him as soon as they were alone.

That decided, she finished her daughter’s sandwich and put it in the small, plastic, cat-covered lunch box.

“It’s gonna be Easter soon,” Maggie was saying.

Jeff smiled at the little girl over his coffee mug. “What happens then?”

Maggie looked shocked that he didn’t know. “Mommy and me go to church where they have lots and lots of pretty flowers and we listen to the min—min—” She glanced at her mother for help.

“The minister,” Ashley said.

Maggie beamed. “And when we come home we find what the Easter bunny left for me. Last year he was very nice and left me lots of chocolate.” She leaned toward Jeff and lowered her voice. “I’m hopin’ he’s nice to me this year.”

Maggie turned to her mother. “Mommy, can I take my new book to school to show my teacher?”

Ashley nodded.

Maggie jumped from her seat and raced toward the stairs. Which, unfortunately, left Ashley alone with Jeff. He turned his attention to her.

“How are you feeling?”

Was it her imagination or did his tone sound different this morning? She barely stopped from slapping herself in the forehead. Of course it was different. They were different. Their intimacy the previous night had changed everything.

“I, ah, I’m fine,” she said, barely able to meet his gaze.

She could feel the heat flaring on her cheeks. What was he thinking? Was he, too, remembering what it had been like when they’d been together? Should she tell him now that it had been wonderful but really couldn’t happen again?

“Jeff, I—”

“I found it! I found it!” Maggie’s singsong voice filled the kitchen as the little girl flew into the room, her new book clutched to her chest.

She dashed over to Jeff and flung herself into his arms. “Thank you for my book. And the kitty. They’re my bestest presents ever.”

Ashley watched her daughter’s small arms go trustingly around Jeff’s neck. She saw the large man she now knew to be tender and considerate, hug her back. Suddenly she was aware of the sound of her own heartbeat and the way the room seemed to tilt slightly.

She’d been worried about getting involved with a man who wasn’t right for her. She’d been concerned about having her heart engaged in futile longing for a man who could never love her back. But she’d never once thought anyone else was at risk.

Now, as she observed the tall, dangerous man and the trusting little girl, she knew that Maggie was the one who had already given her heart away. Maggie had bonded with Jeff, viewing him as the father she never had. Maggie would have dreams and expectations, and there was nothing Ashley could do to warn her about holding back.

An ache filled Ashley’s chest. She wanted to protect her daughter, but she didn’t know how. Should they leave? Should they—

Jeff whispered something in Maggie’s ear and her daughter laughed. Ashley knew it was too late to keep Maggie from connecting with Jeff. And taking her away now, before they had to go, seemed cruel. Perhaps it would be best to let the child enjoy Jeff while they were in his house. Later they would both have to deal with the impossible task of getting over Jeff Ritter.

Ť^ť

Jeff left his office with the Kirkman file under his arm. He knew he could have asked Brenda to do the research on the small town just neighboring the Mediterranean estate, but he needed something with which to distract himself. Something that would take his mind off Ashley.

They hadn’t spoken that morning. Maggie provided a perfect buffer and he hadn’t seen the point of trying to get Ashley alone for a few minutes of conversation. It was ironic. He who had faced numerous terrorists, enemy soldiers and certain-death assignments without flinching was nervous about talking with a woman. He grimaced. Nervous didn’t begin to describe how he felt. He was flat-out terrified.

He didn’t know why she’d agreed to make love with him last night. He’d told her about the dream; he’d bared something close to the truth about who and what he was. And yet she hadn’t run away. Maybe she hadn’t figured out what it all meant. Maybe that would come later.

He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to see her features tighten in disgust or fear. He didn’t want her backing away from him when he entered a room.

And yet, despite all that could still go wrong, he wasn’t sorry. How could he be? Last night had been perfect.

He stepped into the research room and settled at one of the specially programmed computers. Even as he typed on the keyboard, he thought about what it had been like to be with her. How she’d looked and felt and tasted. How she’d sounded. The way that she’d clung to him, losing herself in the moment.

No, he couldn’t be sorry about that. Even if it meant that he could never sleep again.

He frowned slightly. The dreams lurked in the back of his mind, an ever-present enemy. He knew that they would extract their revenge for his temporary assumption that he could be like everyone else.

“Where’s Brenda?”

The question came from behind him. Jeff turned and saw his partner lounging in the doorway to the research room. Zane raised a questioning eyebrow and continued, “Did she call in sick?”

“No. She’s around.”

Zane sauntered over to the chair next to Jeff’s and took a seat. “So why are you in here?”

Jeff shrugged. “I had the time.”

Zane didn’t look convinced. “Are you all right? You haven’t been yourself for the past few days and today it’s worse.”

“What are you talking about? What’s worse?”

“I’m not sure.” Zane studied him. “It’s the woman, isn’t it? The one staying at your house.”

Jeff didn’t think he’d been acting any differently, but obviously he’d been wrong. Zane was observant and he didn’t make mistakes.

“Nothing’s changed,” he bluffed, knowing it was a lie. Having Ashley and Maggie come live with him was just the first of many changes.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Zane told him. “I think you having a woman around is a good thing. I’m all in favor of that. You need some normalcy.”

Jeff didn’t agree, but he wasn’t about to argue. Ashley was dangerous to him because she distracted him. In his line of work, a distraction could cause a mistake. Just one misstep, one unnoticed detail, would mean the difference between living and dying.

Zane jerked his head toward the open door. “You ready for the meeting?”

Jeff glanced at his watch, then nodded. They had four new recruits going through orientation. A quiet, competent woman in her early thirties, and three ex-military men.

“What do you think?” he asked his partner as he closed his folder and followed Zane out of the research office.

“They’re all right. The youngest of the three, Sanders, is a little gung ho for my liking. He still thinks the protection business is glamorous.”

Jeff grimaced. “Just what we need. Someone stupid. How’d he get this far?”

“Great credentials and impeccable recommendations. They’re genuine,” Zane continued as he paused just outside the conference room. “I checked them myself.”

Then they hadn’t been faked, Jeff thought. Zane didn’t make those kind of mistakes, either.

Jeff stepped into the conference room with Zane on his heels. Jack Delaney, former Secret Service agent and arms expert, nodded as his bosses walked to the front of the room. The four recruits sat at a conference table facing the podium. Jeff looked them over, noticing the even gazes that met his own. The woman sat a little apart from the rest. She had long red hair and a body that would make traffic stand still. He briefly wondered what had brought someone that good-looking to this line of work, then dismissed the question. Her appearance didn’t matter if she was the best.

He glanced at the three men. The youngest was easy to pick out. He wore a grin the size of Texas.

“These are the men who sign your paychecks,” Jack said easily. “Jeff Ritter and Zane Rankin.” He nodded and stepped away from the podium.

Jeff took his place. He looked at each of the recruits, trying to size them up. Only two people would be hired and that decision wouldn’t be made for at least a month. He and Zane were particular about whom they worked with. After all, the team members risked their lives together. To trust that much, everyone had to depend on each other.

“There is no room for mistakes,” he said by way of introduction. “Nor do we bring our egos, our tempers or our prejudices to any assignment. Every job puts it all on the line. Before we invite you to join our company, we will attempt to find out your weaknesses, your faults and what makes your skin crawl. Because the kind of clients who employ us expect the best.”

He paused to make sure he had their attention. “A British banker had handled some delicate foreign transactions a couple of years back. He noticed that there were some irregularities and traced them to the source. Along the way, he discovered his bank was being used to launder billions in drug money. The men responsible for the deposits were not pleased to be exposed. In an effort to keep the man quiet, they kidnapped his only child. The man’s wife had died in childbirth. He had no other relatives.”

Jeff leaned forward, resting his elbows on the podium. “A half-dozen kidnappers holding one small boy. There was no margin for error. As it turns out, we got lucky. A clean shot from a hundred yards. How many of you would be comfortable in those circumstances? No second chance, no room for errors.”

He didn’t wait for anyone to answer. “In case you’re wondering why you didn’t read about this in the paper, it’s because that’s how we prefer to work. While there is occasional press coverage, it’s the exception rather than the rule. If you’re in this for glamour, fame or a chance to get laid, tell me now.”

This time he did pause.

The woman grinned. “Gee, boss, and I was so in it for the sex.”

Her comment made everyone chuckle, easing the tension in the room.

“Kidding aside,” Jeff said when the room was quiet again. “Each of you has to question if you have what it takes. The best operatives are loners. No connections, no ties. It’s harder to be afraid when you have nothing to lose. Good luck.”

With that he turned and walked out of the room. Zane would speak next, but Jeff had heard the speech a couple dozen times. Besides, he was too distracted by his own thoughts to pay attention.

He’d told the recruits the truth. It took having nothing to lose to stop being afraid. He’d lived by that code for years; it gave him his edge. But what if that had all changed? He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Ashley. She haunted him like a sensual ghost determined to win his soul. He couldn’t afford the distraction. He couldn’t afford to get involved.

If he felt pleasure, what would be next? Weakness? Hesitation? Would he worry about her to the point where he would hesitate a split second?

That wasn’t an option. There was only one solution to the problem. He could never be intimate with her again.

*

Ashley knew she was grinning like a sheep but she couldn’t help herself. There was something wonderful about the way her thighs hurt from what she’d been doing the previous night. Okay, yes, she knew that she and Jeff could never have a normal relationship. And yes, having an affair with one’s boss, however brief, was never clever. But there was something to be said for a romantic, and slightly sexual, glow.