Shelter in a Soldier's Arms (19 page)

Ashley closed her eyes against the sudden burning behind her lids. She didn’t want to start crying here, but emotion overwhelmed her. She loved Jeff. It was a thousand kinds of stupid and yet she hadn’t been able to stop herself.

To make matters worse, along with the love came fear. She knew what she wanted in her life—someone who would love her completely, more than he’d ever loved anyone else ever. She desperately needed to be first in his life.

Was that Jeff? Did he care about her that way? She wanted to believe it was possible, but she wasn’t sure. Could the warrior open himself that much? His life was so different from hers. She couldn’t go where he went. Would he be willing to stay on her side of the line?

She felt a hand on her shoulder, turned and saw Jeff standing next to her.

“Are you all right?” he asked, concern deepening his voice.

She forced herself to smile. “Zane seemed to feel it was all a joke, designed to make us feel alive. I told him I was plenty alive enough before. If anything, the attack scared about three years of life out of me.”

“That’s the adrenaline. It’s a powerful chemical, but it will fade.”

She touched her chest. “So I’ll be able to breathe without gasping?”

“Just give it a minute.” He brushed his fingers against her cheek. “How are you holding up? Any regrets?”

“About four dozen, but I’m still enjoying myself. It’s really different from my ordinary life.”

“Are you surprised?”

“By the differences? No.” she shrugged. “I knew what you did, but I never understood the details. There are way too many ways to kill people.”

“My job is to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“Agreed, but is it what you do or who you are?” She knew what she wanted him to say. Unfortunately she also knew what he was going to say.

“It’s who I am,” he told her. “That can’t change.”

“I know,” she said with a lightness she didn’t feel. “But a girl can dream.”

He dropped his hand to his side. His gaze grew more intense. “What do you dream about, Ashley? What do you want?”

She wanted him to be different. To be an ordinary man who worked in a bank or a factory. She didn’t want someone who saved the world because causes were often so much more important than people. She wanted him to be the kind of man who would love her back.

She was as foolish as a child crying for the moon. “Pizza,” she said at last. “The all-meat kind with sausage and pepperoni. What do think? Is there a take-out pizza place around here?”

At first she didn’t think he was going to let her change the subject. But she suspected Jeff didn’t want to discuss their differences any more than she did.

“I happen to know a great little place in town. We’ll have it delivered.”

“Sounds perfect.” She turned away, then glanced at him over her shoulder. “And while we’re waiting, we can take a bath

together.”

*

“I’ve never been much for speeding,” Ashley said uneasily the next afternoon. She eyed the souped-up dark town car parked in front of her, then glanced at the oval course laid out in a field about ten miles from the lodge.

The sealed concrete road went straight for about a quarter mile before curving through a series of turns. It disappeared behind a screen of trees, but she knew that on the far side of the track someone was spraying the surface with a slick mixture designed to make the tires slip. Assuming she survived that, the next section of the course would include an ambush, complete with gunshots and explosions. Being a passenger had been harrowing enough. Now it was her turn to drive.

She understood the point of the exercise. The people who took this course for real were powerful enough to be kidnapping targets. Should that happen on the road, they had to be prepared. This afternoon wouldn’t substitute for a professional driving course, but it was an introduction. Ashley tried to find humor in the situation by wondering if the training would help her get a better parking place at the grocery store.

Zane patted her back. “You don’t get special concession just because you’re female.”

She glared at him. “Did I ask for any?”

He shrugged. “You look kinda whiny.”

She planted her hands on her hips. “Do you think annoying me is going to make me drive better?”

“It’ll keep you from being nervous.”

Jeff strolled over and glanced down at the list on his clipboard. “Ashley, you’re up next as the driver. Are you ready?”

“Only if I get to kill Zane when I get back.”

Jeff chuckled. “Is he getting on your nerves?”

“Like nails on a chalkboard.”

“Were you scared?”

She looked at the big car and then at the course. “Maybe.”

“So it worked.”

She sighed. “I hate it when you two act all superior just because you’re professional soldiers.”

Jeff opened the driver’s door and reached inside for the safety helmet. “Relax, concentrate and drive fast.”

“Can I do just two out of three?” she asked.

“No. All three are required.”

Grumbling under her breath, she fastened on the helmet, then slid behind the wheel of the town car. Two men, bankers from New York, got into the rear. Zane rode shotgun. Jeff stood at the side of the track with a clipboard in one hand and a stopwatch in the other.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he called.

Ashley nodded. She took a deep breath to try to ease the tension in her body. It didn’t work. She wiped her damp palms on her jeans and tried to tell herself that this was just pretend. Nothing bad was going to happen. Except she knew that it could. One of the participants had overturned the other town car an hour before. No one had been hurt but the car had been totaled.

She glanced at her passengers. “Helmets on, gentlemen,” she said.

When everyone was safely buckled in, she started the car and drove onto the track.

The purpose of the exercise was to feel what it was like to have to drive evasively. They’d all seen a video on the subject and watched a demonstration. Now they were being given a chance to practice it for themselves.

Based on the way the cars had fishtailed all over the road, Ashley knew she was in for a challenge.

“You’re driving like a girl,” Zane said blandly as she eased into the first curve.

She didn’t bother looking at him. “This kind of strategy may work on your recruits,” she said, “but as I am a girl, it doesn’t do a thing for me.”

As she left the first curve, she accelerated. The exercise was timed, but she would lose points for skidding off the road.

There were three S curves in succession, then a long straight section. At the end of it, the concrete glistened from the slick substance she would have to pass over. Gritting her teeth, Ashley floored the car, then eased up as they approached the oily mixture. She barely touched the steering wheel, so as not to change the direction of the car.

The vehicle moved straight for the first twenty feet, then began to slide off the road. Ashley had watched the other drivers try to fight with the car. Instead she guided it to the side of the road. Once they settled onto the dirt shoulder, she pressed on the accelerator. The tires had traction and she was able to steer around the last of the slick trap.

Only when she was back on the road did she risk glancing at Zane.

He didn’t react at all. “Not bad,” he murmured.

Ashley allowed herself a grin. She knew she’d done a whole lot better than not bad. She was about to tell him so when gunfire exploded all around the car.

“Get down,” she yelled.

A smaller vehicle pulled out next to her and moved close, trying to crowd her off the road.

She ignored the gunfire and the other car, instead concentrating on the track in front of her. She gunned the engine, shooting forward. There was an explosion off to her right, but Ashley ignored it. Another car came up on her right. She swung her car toward it, bashing it once, then sped off toward the finish line.

It was only when she’d stopped the car that she realized her heart was racing. She’d done it! She’d completed the course.

“What’s my time?” she asked Zane.

“Three seconds behind Henry’s.”

“Three seconds?” She jumped out of the car and practically danced to where Jeff was standing with a clipboard of his own. “I’m right behind Henry. In second place.”

“I know,” he said without looking at her.

She slapped the back of her hand against his upper arm. “Come on.” She leaned close. “Admit it. You think I’m pretty hot stuff.”

He looked up. She saw the pride and affection in his eyes. “I’m more impressed than you know.”

Ť^ť

A sharp cry cut through the night. Ashley’s first thought was that this was yet another trick of Jeff’s staff at the executive retreat. But when she opened her eyes, she recognized Jeff’s bedroom in his large house on Queen Anne Hill. This wasn’t a drill.

She blinked in the darkness and tried to figure out what she’d heard. Was Maggie having a bad dream? Her daughter didn’t usually—

The cry came again, but not from down the hall. Instead, the sharp outburst of pain came from the man lying next to her. Ashley turned toward Jeff. As she did so, she glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly two in the morning. Often she returned to her own bed to sleep, but tonight something had compelled her to stay with Jeff. Now, as she watched him fight with the covers and speak harsh, unintelligible phrases, she was glad she was there for him.

She reached out to touch his arm, then remembered the weekend they’d just spent together. He was very much a warrior. While she’d had clues about his skills before, now she had firsthand knowledge. She wanted to wake him up without finding herself in some kind of death grip. She knew he wouldn’t deliberately hurt her, but she had no idea of the content of his dream. In the second or two it took him to return to reality, he could do a lot of damage.

So instead of touching him, she turned on the light sitting on the nightstand and softly spoke his name.

He came awake instantly. His eyes opened and he made a quick, visual search of the room. When his gaze settled on her, he stiffened. “I was dreaming.”

She nodded. “You cried out. Are you all right?” It was only as she spoke the words that she realized he was both sweaty and ashen. The sound of his harsh breathing seemed to fill the room.

“Jeff? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

He was anything but. She nibbled on her lower lip, not sure what to do with him. She couldn’t force him to talk nor could she physically make him relax. Not knowing what else to do, she left the light on, but slid back under the covers and snuggled close to him. She lay with her head on her pillow but her arm across his chest. She pressed her legs against his and waited.

Slowly he began to relax. His breathing evened out and his heated body cooled. While she’d slipped on a nightgown after they’d finished making love, Jeff was still naked. She ran her fingers through the hair on his chest, pausing when she felt a long, slender scar running the length of his rib cage.

“What is this from?”

“A knife fight.”

“Where’d you get it?”

“Afghanistan.”

She frowned. “I don’t remember us sending troops into

” Her voice trailed off. “Oh. I guess I wasn’t supposed to know.”

“No.”

She sighed. “Jeff, was it like the dream you told me about before? The one where the village is burning and the people are running from you?”

“Yes.”

He wasn’t being overly chatty. “There’s more to it, though, isn’t there? You’ve had the dream before when I was with you and I don’t remember you crying out.”

He half turned away.

She raised herself up on one elbow and touched his cheek. “Jeff? You can tell me. I’m not afraid of you. If this is a privacy issue, that’s one thing, but if it’s about protecting me, I’ll have to slap you.”

Her last comment made him turn back to her. He smiled slightly. “Zane told me you were offended by all his ‘girl’ comments. I have to remember to inform him you don’t take a lot of guff from anyone.”

“That’s right. I’ve had natural childbirth. I know about suffering. I don’t think you can say anything to shock me. So if you want to talk, I’m happy to listen.”

His smile faded and he closed his eyes. “It was a different dream,” he said quietly. “A visitation from the souls of the dead.”

At first she didn’t understand what he was saying. And then she knew. The souls of the dead were from people he had killed. She settled back on the bed, resting her head on his shoulder.

“You were a soldier. You did what you were told.”

“Does that make it right?”

“I don’t know. I do know that it doesn’t make you a monster. Despite your ex-wife’s claims to the contrary, you’re not inhuman.”

He swallowed. “Maggie was there. In my dream. She was screaming for me to save her and I couldn’t. Every time I got close enough to reach her, she saw me and ran away.”

Ashley shuddered. She didn’t want to hear any more. She didn’t want to know what Jeff had suffered in the process of defending his country and doing his job. She wished there were a way to heal him.

“There’s a psychological reason that Maggie has suddenly appeared in your dreams,” she said. “You care about her and you want to keep her safe. I have a friend who has a recurring dream about losing a baby. Her kids are long grown and gone, but that doesn’t ease the worrying.”

“Knowing that doesn’t make it any less real in the dream.”

“I know.” She pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Jeff, I’m really willing to listen if you think it will help.”

He didn’t answer. She continued to hold him close. Eventually his eyes fluttered shut and she thought he might have gone back to sleep. She hoped so. He needed his rest. But after a time, he started speaking.

“I can’t tell you anything more,” he said. “I would never do that. If you knew the truth, you’d never be able to close your eyes again.”

At first she didn’t believe him, but then he turned to face her and she saw the truth of his words in his expression. She remembered all he’d talked about over the recent weekend. The lessons, the casually told stories. The professional attitude of a man who knows his subject. Suddenly she was cold. A shiver passed through her. She didn’t want to know the horrors of his past.